Mind-Blowing Sex | Dr. Lori Brotto
Dr. Lori Brotto, a clinical psychologist and author of "Better Sex Through Mindfulness," discusses scientific evidence showing how mindfulness improves sex life by reducing distress, enhancing interoception, and fostering self-compassion. She offers specific practices for individuals and couples, debunks common myths, and highlights pleasure as a frontier for awakening.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction: Mindfulness and Sex as a Frontier
Dr. Lori Brotto's Journey into Sexual Health Research
Scientific Evidence: How Mindfulness Improves Sex Life
Stress as the Number One Cause of Sexual Distress
Gendered Manifestations of Sexual Distress and Societal Myths
Mindfulness Mechanisms: Interoception and Self-Compassion
Practical Mindfulness for Staying Present During Sex
Shame's Role as a Major Inhibitor in Sexual Pleasure
Addressing Male Shame and the Path to Sexual Awakening
Couple-Based Mindfulness Practices for Intimacy
Individual Sexual Sensations Awareness Practice
Pleasure Activism and Debunking Sex Myths
Navigating Sexual Frequency and Discrepant Desire in Relationships
The Most Important Ingredient for Satisfying Sex
5 Key Concepts
Sexual Distress
This refers to how much a sexual concern bothers an individual, interferes with their life, or creates conflict in their relationship. It's a primary measure of the impact of sexual problems.
Interoception
Interoception is a person's ability to be aware of what is happening inside their own body, such as their heart rate or blood pressure. Mindfulness practices can improve this awareness, which is linked to better sexual desire.
Self-Compassion
This is the ability to be kind to oneself, regardless of what one is experiencing, and is paired with a reduction in self-criticism. Cultivating self-compassion helps individuals let go of negative judgments during sexual activity, improving response.
Equanimity
Equanimity is the ability to bring the same kind of attention, awareness, and acceptance to all feelings that arise, whether pleasant or unpleasant. This practice helps individuals confront and loosen the power of difficult emotions like shame.
Pleasure (Subjective Definition)
Pleasure is defined as an entirely subjective feeling that cannot be objectively measured or quantified by external devices. It encompasses a wide range of experiences, from orgasm to emotional bliss or a feeling of connection and release.
10 Questions Answered
Her interest began by chance through research on antidepressants and rodent sexual activity, then shifted to human sexuality when Viagra was approved and high rates of female sexual problems were identified. She later connected this to mindfulness through her work with dialectical behavior therapy.
Mindfulness consistently reduces sexual distress and leads to improvements in specific sexual response domains like desire, orgasm intensity, erection retention, and pleasure, rather than just resignation.
Chronic day-to-day stress, not just traumatic events, directly impairs sexual function by changing brain activity and the body's ability to regulate stress, which in turn affects sexual response.
Yes, women often experience low desire as a relationship problem, while men may experience sexual problems as a personal insult, reflecting societal messages about achievement versus interpersonal connection.
Mindfulness enhances interoception (awareness of bodily sensations) and self-compassion, helping individuals be kinder to themselves and let go of self-criticism during sexual activity, which directly improves desire and response.
An established mindfulness practice helps, but during sex, one can intentionally use all senses (sight, touch, smell, taste, sound) to ground themselves in the present moment and notice emerging physical sensations.
The historical legacy of terms like 'frigidity' and 'nymphomania' continues to create overt and implicit shame, leading women to feel guilt and prevent them from accessing pleasure, even if they intellectually understand its importance.
Mindfulness can help men treat worrisome thoughts about performance (e.g., losing an erection) as just thoughts, allowing them to remain in their body and reduce the power of shame, which often stems from societal expectations of virility.
No, this is a myth. Planning sex can create opportunities for anticipation and fantasy, similar to how people plan other valuable and meaningful aspects of their lives.
The optimal frequency is subjective and depends on how a couple feels about the quality of their encounters. Quality and mutual satisfaction are more important than adhering to a specific number.
25 Actionable Insights
1. Mindfulness is Key to Satisfying Sex
Cultivate mindfulness as the most important ingredient for satisfying sex, aiming to be fully present, in sync with yourself and a partner, and attuned to every sensation.
2. Reduce Stress for Better Sex
Address and reduce chronic day-to-day stress, as it directly links to impairments in sexual function, and mindfulness is a very effective tool for this.
3. Improve Sexual Function with Mindfulness
Practice mindfulness to reduce sexual distress and improve specific domains of sexual response like desire, orgasm intensity, erection retention, and pleasure.
4. Challenge Sex Myths, Embrace Self-Efficacy
Challenge the myth that sex is purely automatic or biological; understand that stress is often a bigger contributor to sexual difficulties, opening opportunities for self-efficacy and control.
5. Get Out of Your Head
During sex, consciously bring your mind back to the present moment and bodily sensations, rather than letting it multitask with distracting thoughts or judgments.
6. Cultivate Interoceptive Awareness
Improve your ability to sense bodily sensations (interoception) through mindfulness practices like body scans, as this directly translates into improvements in sexual desire.
7. Practice Self-Compassion During Sex
Reduce self-criticism during sexual activity by acknowledging negative beliefs and judgments as passing thoughts rather than letting them dominate your experience.
8. Address Shame with Equanimity
Address shame related to sexuality by treating it as an emotion like any other, bringing ’equanimity’ (same attention, awareness, acceptance) to it, and observing its physical sensations to loosen its power.
9. Engage All Senses During Sex
To stay present and grounded during sex, deliberately integrate all your senses (sight, touch, smell, taste, sound) into the encounter.
10. Define Your Own Pleasure
Define pleasure for yourself, moving beyond societal stereotypes about intensity, frequency, or type of sexual activity, to embrace a nuanced, experiential, and full-body understanding.
11. Recognize Body’s Changing Sensations
Treat your body as a ‘constant source of new and different sensation’ during sexual exploration, recognizing that its responses to touch change over time due to aging, hormones, and other factors.
12. Utilize Sensate Focus for Couples
Engage in ‘sensate focus’ with a partner, starting with non-erotic touch (head to toe, excluding erogenous zones) where the receiver mindfully tunes into sensations without anticipation, then switch roles and discuss the experience.
13. Confront Anticipation with Sensate Focus
Practice sensate focus weekly to confront anticipatory thoughts and worries during touch, allowing you to stay present and improve communication by observing your partner’s body responses.
14. Practice Back-to-Back Sensing
Practice ‘back-to-back sensing’ with a partner (standing or sitting) for 10 minutes, focusing awareness on your own bodily sensations and the feelings of their body against yours, to ease into mindful connection.
15. Try Sexual Sensations Awareness
Practice ‘Sexual Sensations Awareness’ by first using a sexual tool for about 10 minutes to elicit arousal, then setting it aside to listen to a guided meditation that focuses awareness on subtle sexual sensations throughout the body.
16. Debunk Unsexy Planning Myth
Debunk the myth that planning sex is unsexy; instead, view planning as an opportunity for anticipation and fantasy, recognizing that valuable activities in life are often planned.
17. Gauge Sex Life by Feelings
Gauge the quality of your sex life by ‘how you feel’ rather than adhering to external standards of frequency, prioritizing full-bodied, attentive, and mindful encounters.
18. Address Discrepant Desire as Couple
If experiencing discrepant desire with a partner, address it from a couple’s perspective, potentially through planning, scheduling, and exploring diverse forms of sexual intimacy beyond traditional intercourse.
19. Embrace Pleasure as Self-Care
Embrace pleasure (sexual and sensual) as a form of self-care and a ‘radical act’ to replenish yourself, fostering resilience and enabling you to contribute positively to the world.
20. Advocate for Comprehensive Sex Education
Advocate for and ensure developmentally appropriate sex education that gives all genders permission to know their own bodies and use correct anatomical names, fostering body autonomy and safety.
21. Give Mindfulness a Try
Approach the idea of bringing mindfulness into sex with healthy skepticism, but be willing to ‘give it a try’ through self-touch or with a partner, observing what happens with an open mind.
22. Join Online Mindfulness Groups
If struggling with sexual concerns, consider joining online mindfulness groups to connect with others, feel validated, and deepen your mindfulness practice.
23. Tune In to Your Emotions
Tune in to your emotions rather than tuning out or distracting, as it’s more beneficial for coping and reconnecting with emotions.
24. Explore Dr. Brotto’s Resources
Explore Dr. Lori Brotto’s resources, including her book ‘Better Sex Through Mindfulness,’ the upcoming workbook, the Netflix series ‘The Principles of Pleasure,’ and her research website (bradolab.com) for further learning and opportunities.
25. Check Sabine Selassie’s Newsletter
Check out Sabine Selassie’s newsletter for insights on opening to sexual/sensual desire as a step in awakening.
5 Key Quotes
I feel pretty strongly that opening to sexual slash sensual desire is the next step in the evolution of awakening.
Dan Harris (quoting a friend)
we spend more time, our bodies showing up for sex and our minds not showing up for sex.
Dr. Lori Brotto
It's almost as if they're not even happening. If the brain is not registering the onset of those physical sensations, then the brain in turn can't feed back information to the body to continue to respond.
Dr. Lori Brotto
foreplay starts the moment your last sexual encounter ends.
Dr. Lori Brotto
Mindfulness is right there if we take the time to pay attention non-judgmentally, moment by moment.
Dr. Lori Brotto
2 Protocols
Sensate Focus for Couples
Dr. Lori Brotto- One partner touches the other person head to toe, excluding the chest, breasts, and genitals.
- The person receiving the touch practices mindfulness, tuning in, relaxing, and bringing awareness to sensations in the present moment, away from anticipation.
- Switch roles; the giver becomes the receiver, and the receiver becomes the giver for about 15 minutes.
- At the end, discuss what the experience was like.
- Progressively, in subsequent sessions, include more erotic parts of the body.
Sexual Sensations Awareness (Individual Practice)
Dr. Lori Brotto- Engage with a sexual tool (e.g., vibrator, erotica, fantasy) for about 10 minutes to elicit some physical arousal, but not necessarily to the point of orgasm.
- Set the sexual tool aside (turn off the vibrator, put away the erotica).
- Listen to a guided 'Sexual Sensations Meditation Practice' (similar to a body scan, but includes erotic body parts) to bring awareness to even the most subtle sexual sensations in the body.