Myths of Love, Sex, Dating, and Relationships | Myisha Battle
Myisha Battle, a certified sex and dating coach, educator, and author, debunks myths around romantic relationships. She discusses improving intimacy and connection, understanding sex and hormonal cycles, challenging the "you-complete-me" model, and offers practical advice for dating, including navigating apps and the "orgasm gap."
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Valentine's Day Origins and Broadening Love's Definition
Critique of the 'You-Complete-Me' Relationship Model
Societal Expectations and Overburdening Romantic Partners
Understanding Bromance and Biromanticism
Fostering Non-Sexual Intimacy in Relationships
The Importance of Scheduling Sex
Impact of Hormonal Cycles on Sexual Desire
Scheduling Regular Relationship Check-ins
Intentional Dating of Your Partner
The Power of Curiosity in Relationships
Addressing the Orgasm Gap and Female Anatomy
Effective Communication in Sexual Relationships
Navigating Dating Apps and Partner Search
Cultivating a 'Dating Zen' Mindset
Myesha Battle's Book and Resources
6 Key Concepts
You-Complete-Me Model
This is a societal assumption that individuals are incomplete until they find a romantic partner who fills their needs. This model places immense pressure on one partner to be everything, potentially stifling sexual connection and devaluing other forms of relationships.
Social Fitness
This refers to the capacity to have good relationships of all kinds, including romantic, familial, and platonic. It is considered a crucial life skill that is often not explicitly taught to individuals.
Bromance
This term describes romantic feelings between men that are non-sexual in nature. It provides a way for men to experience deep platonic connection and affection for friends without being misconstrued as homoerotic, which can be a barrier to male friendships.
Biromantic
This refers to having romantic feelings for two or more genders, which can include both friends and sexual partners. It helps to tease out the distinction between romantic attraction and sexual attraction, acknowledging that these do not always have to be conflated.
Orgasm Gap
This phenomenon describes the discrepancy where women, particularly in heterosexual relationships, experience orgasms significantly less frequently than their male partners. It is attributed to a lack of knowledge about female pleasure anatomy and cultural dynamics around sex.
Dating Zen Mindset
This mindset involves holding the ultimate goal of partnership while simultaneously releasing the expectation that it will happen in a specific way or timeline. It encourages being present, enjoying interactions, and not overthinking or forcing outcomes in the dating process.
9 Questions Answered
This model assumes individuals are incomplete without a romantic partner, placing immense pressure on one person to fulfill all needs and devaluing other important connections like friendships. It can also stifle sexual connection by overburdening one partner.
Love can be understood as simply willing the good of another person, encompassing a spectrum of relationships from romantic partners to friends and even simple goodwill towards others, rather than being restricted to wanting or needing.
Society often discourages men from expressing romantic or deep affectionate feelings towards other men, often misconstruing them as sexual desire, leading to an emotional dependency on female partners and a 'friendship crisis'.
Scheduling sex helps separate non-sexual intimacy from sexual intimacy, builds anticipation and novelty, and ensures both partners are mentally and physically present for the experience, which can be lost in routine.
Men typically have a 24-hour testosterone cycle peaking in the morning, leading to more consistent spontaneous desire, while women have a 28-day cycle where desire fluctuates and may only feel intense desire a few days a month, which can create a 'wedge issue' if not understood.
The orgasm gap, where women orgasm less frequently than men, is largely due to a lack of knowledge about female pleasure anatomy, specifically the clitoris, and cultural dynamics where men are socialized as sex experts and women are hesitant to provide in-the-moment feedback.
To use dating apps effectively, individuals should put more of their authentic selves and specific relationship values into their profiles, rather than just a resume-style list of superficial qualities. This helps attract higher-quality matches and fosters genuine connections.
It's helpful to realize there isn't just 'the one,' but potentially many compatible partners. Focus on how interactions make you feel rather than strict checklists of superficial qualities, and be open to being surprised by who you connect with.
A dating Zen mindset involves holding the ultimate goal of partnership while simultaneously releasing the expectation of *how* or *when* it will happen. This reduces craving and overthinking, allowing for more enjoyable interactions and clearer judgment.
19 Actionable Insights
1. Abandon “You Complete Me” Expectation
Reject the “you-complete-me” model of romantic relationships, as it falsely assumes individuals are not whole without a partner and places an unsustainable amount of pressure on one person to fulfill all of another’s needs. Instead, recognize that you are already whole and seek partners who add value to your already full life.
2. Broaden Your Definition of Love
Expand your understanding of love beyond narrow romantic relationships to include compassion and goodwill for friends, family, and even strangers, as this broader view is an evolutionarily wired capacity for human thriving. This perspective can reduce suffering caused by overly narrow expectations of love.
3. Cultivate a Supportive Self-Love
Practice self-love, understanding it as a supportive inner relationship rather than narcissism, to reduce entanglement in neuroses and shame spirals, thereby freeing up more emotional bandwidth for others.
4. Develop Social Fitness Skills
Actively work on developing your capacity for good relationships of all kinds—romantic, familial, and platonic—as this “social fitness” is a crucial life skill that is rarely explicitly taught.
5. Diversify Your Relationship Portfolio
Cultivate a wide range of relationships—including friendships and other platonic connections—to avoid overburdening your romantic partner with the expectation that they fulfill all your emotional and social needs. This reduces pressure on your primary relationship and fosters overall well-being.
6. Cultivate Non-Sexual Physical Intimacy
Actively foster non-sexual physical intimacy, such as kissing, hugging, and cuddling, as a distinct way to show care and connection, separate from bids for sexual activity. This prevents the blurring of lines that can lead to withholding sexual intimacy when partners feel physical affection is only a precursor to sex.
7. Schedule Sexual Encounters
Schedule sex to create anticipation and novelty, separating it from non-sexual intimacy and allowing both partners to mentally and physically show up with intention. This can revive desire and break patterns of anxiety or predictability that hinder spontaneous connection.
8. Acknowledge Hormonal Cycle Differences
Understand and acknowledge the differing hormonal cycles between partners, especially in heterosexual relationships, to depersonalize issues around sexual desire and rejection. Work with these natural rhythms to maximize connection during peak times and reduce pressure during other phases.
9. Hold Regular Relationship Meetings
Implement regular relationship meetings, using a structured framework like the Gottmans’, to create dedicated time for checking in on each other’s well-being, struggles, and top-of-mind issues. This ensures vital conversations happen, preventing disconnection when organic timing is elusive.
10. Intentionally Date Your Partner
Make an intentional effort to “date” your partner regularly, whether at home or out, to maintain a sense of courtship and deepen your understanding of each other. This intentionality supports romantic connection beyond the daily routine.
11. Practice Relational Curiosity (ABC)
Adopt an “Always Be Curious” mindset in your relationships, actively seeking to understand changes in yourself and your partner and how they affect your dynamic. This curiosity fosters novelty and enriches intimate connection by encouraging continuous learning and exploration.
12. Educate on Female Sexual Anatomy
Seek education on female pleasure anatomy, particularly the clitoris, to bridge the “orgasm gap” and foster more egalitarian sexual experiences. Partners should be curious and receptive to feedback from those with vulvas about what feels good.
13. Provide In-Moment Sexual Feedback
Practice giving and receiving in-the-moment feedback during sex, depersonalizing it as information rather than criticism, to improve mutual pleasure and bridge the orgasm gap. This empowers the person with the vulva to guide what feels good and helps their partner be more effective.
14. Filter Communication for Utility
Practice filtering your communication with your partner, choosing to only express what is useful and moves a conversation forward, rather than sharing every irritating thought. This prevents talking issues to death and allows for more constructive dialogue, sometimes holding back comments until a calmer moment or not at all.
15. Adopt a “Dating Zen” Mindset
Cultivate a “dating Zen” mindset by holding the ultimate goal of partnership while simultaneously releasing rigid expectations of how or when it will happen. This approach allows you to enjoy the process, be present in interactions, and avoid the hindrance of excessive craving or overthinking.
16. Prioritize Feelings Over Dating Checklists
Move beyond superficial checklists (e.g., height, job, education) when dating and instead focus on how you genuinely feel when interacting with someone. This approach allows for authentic connection and helps you determine true compatibility rather than just meeting external criteria.
17. Curate Authentic Dating Profiles
When using dating apps, put as much of your authentic self into your profile as comfortable, rather than creating a generic resume-style entry. This helps attract higher-quality matches and fosters connections with people you genuinely care about, leading to more meaningful interactions.
18. Clarify and Communicate Sexual Values
Identify your personal sexual values, recognizing them as equally important for your growth and development as other life values, and communicate them to potential partners. This helps attract connections that truly align with how you want to live your life.
19. Research Sexual Health from Experts
Actively investigate any sexual health questions you have by seeking out trusted sources and experts who provide biological and physiological information. This education is crucial for personal sexual freedom and understanding, rather than relying on quick fixes or unreliable internet searches.
6 Key Quotes
We were wired for compassion. It's what has allowed our species to thrive. It is the life skill par excellence.
Dan Harris
It's assuming that people are not whole until they find romantic partnership.
Myisha Battle
Sexual energy doesn't love that vibe at all.
Myisha Battle
Sexual desire shows up when there is novelty and when there's anticipation.
Myisha Battle
The person who has the vulva is the person who knows what feels good.
Myisha Battle
When you sign up to date, you're signing up to be rejected over and over again.
Myisha Battle
1 Protocols
Five Ways to Improve Intimacy and Connection in Romantic Partnership
Myisha Battle- Foster non-sexual intimacy: Engage in physical affection like kissing, touching, and cuddling without it always being a bid for sex.
- Schedule sex: Set an intention and time for sexual connection to build anticipation and novelty, separating it from non-sexual intimacy.
- Practice working with rhythms/cycles: Acknowledge and work with the different hormonal cycles of partners (e.g., men's 24-hour testosterone cycle vs. women's 28-day cycle) to depersonalize desire differences.
- Schedule regular relationship meetings: Use structured check-ins (e.g., weekly or monthly, like the Gottman framework) to discuss how each partner is doing, struggles, and what's top of mind, going beyond day-to-day logistics.
- Always be curious: Maintain curiosity about your partner's evolving self and your own changes, exploring new things together and providing in-the-moment feedback to enrich the relationship and sexual connection.