Resisting What You Don't Want To Feel Just Makes It Worse. Here's A Different Strategy. | Ofosu Jones-Quartey and Cara Lai
Meditation teachers Kara Lai and Afosu Jones-Quartey discuss Buddhist strategies for acceptance and equanimity. They explore the "three root poisons" (greed, aversion, delusion) as causes of suffering and offer mindful approaches to navigate stressful times, social media, and redefine activism.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Introduction to Resistance and Equanimity
The Three Root Poisons: Greed, Aversion, Delusion
Buddhist Understanding of Suffering (Dukkha)
Mindfulness as a Path to Maturity and Disarming
Acceptance vs. Resistance in Difficult Situations
Navigating Social Media with Mindfulness
Using Meditation to See Resistance and Numbing
Understanding Attachment to Views
Loosening the Grip on Our Views
Working with Numbing in a 'Polycrisis' World
Rethinking Activism: Beyond Traditional Approaches
The Ripple Effect of Small Acts of Kindness
5 Key Concepts
Three Root Poisons
A Buddhist framework explaining suffering, categorized into greed (desire for more pleasant experiences), aversion (resistance to unpleasant experiences), and delusion (detaching from the present moment by clinging to imagined realities or numbing out). These are seen as the fundamental causes of all human problems and suffering.
Suffering (Dukkha)
In Buddhism, suffering is a more general term than its common usage, referring to a pervasive dissatisfaction or a 'hair out of alignment with reality.' It encompasses the subtle unease and impermanence woven into all lived experiences, especially when we assume we should be perpetually satisfied.
Acceptance
Acceptance, in a Buddhist context, means acknowledging the present moment as it is, distinct from complacency or giving up. It involves recognizing what one can and cannot control, and releasing the struggle against unchangeable circumstances, thereby freeing up energy for wise action.
Attachment to Views
This Buddhist concept describes clinging to one's own perspective or philosophy as the absolute truth, often leading to the belief that others' views are wrong. It stems from greed (my view is right), aversion (others' views are wrong), and delusion (only my limited perspective is valid), and can sow seeds of fanaticism and violence.
Not Knowing
An intentional practice of letting go of the need to have all the answers or a fixed opinion. It involves admitting uncertainty and helplessness, which can create space for curiosity, connection, and compassion, rather than clinging to a false sense of certainty for safety.
10 Questions Answered
The three core causes of suffering, known as the three poisons, are greed (desire for pleasant things), aversion (resistance to unpleasant things), and delusion (detaching from the present moment).
Buddhism defines suffering (dukkha) as a pervasive dissatisfaction or being out of alignment with reality, encompassing the subtle unease and impermanence inherent in life, especially when one expects constant satisfaction.
Mindfulness helps us navigate stressful times by allowing us to be aware of our own greed, hatred, and delusion, fostering a state of 'perpetual disarming' that reduces the tendency to see others as enemies and promotes compassion and respect.
Acceptance is not passivity or resignation; it's recognizing what one can and cannot control and releasing the struggle against unchangeable things. This frees up energy to respond wisely and effectively, rather than being stuck in resistance.
You can manage reactions by cultivating fortitude to pause, scroll past, or use features like 'mute' or 'snooze' instead of immediately engaging in conflict. Protecting your peace of mind by choosing responses that don't stem from a violent or reactive place is key.
During meditation, pay attention to the moment before you get lost in thought or your attention drifts. Notice what unpleasant feelings you might be avoiding, and gently touch into them, gradually building confidence and tolerance for your inner experience.
Attachment to views means rigidly clinging to one's own opinions or beliefs as the only truth, often dismissing or feeling aversion towards others' perspectives. It's problematic because it can lead to fanaticism, violence, and prevents open-mindedness and respect.
To loosen your grip, identify your 'edge' where views create tightness, recognize that views often provide a false sense of safety, and intentionally practice 'not knowing' by asking 'What if I'm wrong?' or 'Where do I actually not know?'
Avoid numbing by remembering that the world also contains beauty, wonder, and the mundane, not just the parts on fire. Draw resources from the totality of life, and if something is painful, touch into it gently while also focusing on less intense aspects, building capacity to engage.
Activism can be redefined beyond traditional fighting or protesting; it includes self-care, understanding and uprooting greed, aversion, and delusion in one's own mind, and performing small acts of kindness. It's about the intention and source of the action, not just its outward appearance.
38 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Equanimity
Practice equanimity, which means being okay with whatever you’re feeling, to enable a wiser response to any situation rather than resignation.
2. Embrace Acceptance, Release Struggle
Practice acceptance, which is the opposite of suffering, by recognizing what you do and don’t have control over and putting down the struggle against things you cannot change.
3. Identify Root Poisons
Learn to identify greed (wanting more of what’s pleasant), aversion (resisting what’s unpleasant), and delusion (detaching from the present moment) in your own mind as roots of suffering.
4. Mindfully Observe Three Poisons
Be mindful of the three root poisons (greed, aversion/hatred, and delusion) in your own mind to handle them in a more sophisticated and supple way.
5. Release Clinging to Opinions
Find freedom by not clinging to your opinions and by embracing the state of ’not knowing’ rather than seeking false certainty.
6. Practice Intentional Not-Knowing
Intentionally practice ’not knowing’ by questioning your certainty, admitting when you lack answers, and connecting with feelings of fear or helplessness, which can open pathways to connect with others.
7. Loosen Grip on Fixed Views
Loosen your grip on fixed ideas and views, as attachment to them can sow the seeds of fanaticism, violence, and oppression, hindering respectful interaction with others.
8. Address Underlying Vulnerability
Recognize that strong views often provide a false sense of safety; instead, connect with the underlying feelings of instability, uncertainty, or helplessness that trigger these views, and meet them with care and compassion.
9. Tend to Your Own Reactions
Take care of yourself by tending to your internal reactions and identifying aversion when triggered by external events, rather than waiting for others to change for your well-being.
10. Curiosity in Disagreement
When engaging with someone you disagree with, practice acceptance instead of resistance to open up space for genuine curiosity about their thinking and how their beliefs provide them a sense of safety.
11. Practice Compassion Despite Opposition
Even when fundamentally opposed to others, practice compassion and respect by recognizing that they, like you, are easily influenced by greed, hatred, and delusion.
12. Cultivate Humility, Reduce Othering
Recognize your own habit energy fueled by greed, hatred, and delusion to cultivate humility, which helps prevent identifying others as enemies and levels the playing field for mutual respect.
13. Cool Internal Conflict
Cool down your internal temperature and responses to others by recognizing that conflict often stems from the three poisons operating within yourself, making it a collective work to uproot them.
14. Free Energy Through Acceptance
Putting down the struggle of resistance frees up energy to relax, enjoy the moment, and engage in impactful, forward-leading actions in the world.
15. Make Mature Choices Mindfully
Employ mindfulness to cultivate a more mature outlook, enabling you to resist immediate gratification (like a fourth breakfast taco) that you know will lead to negative feelings later.
16. Observe Transient Experiences
In meditation and daily life, observe the transient nature of both positive and negative experiences, recognizing that states constantly change and no single one represents the ultimate truth.
17. Manage Expectations in Practice
Understand that emotional patterns and difficulties take time to transform and may recur, indicating more layers to explore or continued capacity building, rather than a failure of your practice.
18. Process Difficult Feelings Gradually
When difficult feelings arise in meditation, name them, then shift to a neutral anchor, and gradually return to explore the feeling’s physical sensation, staying with it a little longer to build tolerance.
19. Transform Feelings with Mindfulness
Apply mindfulness to difficult emotions like anxiety, sadness, or anger by giving them attention and allowing them to be seen and felt, which can transform and heal them over time.
20. Observe Pre-Thought Numbing
During meditation, pay close attention to the moments just before your mind gets lost in thought or detaches from the present, to identify any unpleasant feelings you might be unconsciously trying to numb or avoid.
21. Normalize Meditation Discomfort
Understand that feeling discomfort when reconnecting with the present moment during meditation is normal and not a sign of doing it wrong, as it often means you are encountering feelings you previously numbed.
22. Protect Peace on Social Media
Protect your peace of mind on social media by developing the fortitude to scroll past, engage less, or use mute/snooze/block features when encountering offensive or disagreeable content, rather than reacting impulsively.
23. Beware View-Based Validation
Be aware of the impulse to engage with triggering content to feel validated or ‘right,’ as this hardens you against others and makes you less open to alternative perspectives.
24. Acknowledge Life’s Full Spectrum
Counter numbing by remembering that the world is not solely negative; acknowledge the presence of beauty, wonder, and the mundane to draw resources from the totality of life’s experiences.
25. Gradually Engage with Pain
When experiencing pain, gently shift your attention to less intense or neutral areas, then gradually touch back into the pain to the extent you are able, building your capacity to be with it.
26. Resource Before Activism
Before engaging in activism, pause and resource yourself by acknowledging what is okay, otherwise your actions may be fueled by pain and perpetuate the very resistance you aim to fight.
27. Redefine Activism as Inner Work
Redefine activism to include self-care and inner work, such as understanding how greed, aversion, and delusion operate in your own heart and mind, recognizing these as forms of peace work.
28. Find Your Unique Activism
Recognize your unique temperament and gifts, and find ways to contribute to activism that resonate with your personal style, such as ‘quiet work,’ rather than feeling pressured to conform to more outwardly ‘yang’ forms.
29. Intentions Drive Activism
Focus on the intention behind your actions in activism, recognizing that the impact comes more from the place it originates (e.g., peace, wisdom) than the specific action itself.
30. Cultivate Inner Non-Violence
Cultivate non-violence towards yourself and others in your daily interactions, recognizing that this personal practice is foundational for creating a non-violent world.
31. Cultivate Inner Peace for World
Recognize that cultivating peace within yourself, even through quiet practices, is a significant contribution to world peace, and your efforts are not minimal, regardless of their outward appearance.
32. Dedicate Practice to All Beings
Dedicate the merit of your meditation practice to the happiness and liberation of all beings, understanding that your personal practice extends beyond yourself and contributes to collective well-being.
33. Small Acts Alleviate Suffering
Make small, consistent dedications towards alleviating suffering in your own mind and body, and in your immediate environment, as these ripple effects contribute to a happier and safer world.
34. Release Troubles Before Home
Practice symbolically releasing your daily troubles before returning home, as exemplified by the bus driver, to prevent carrying negative energy into your personal life and relationships.
35. Activism Through Joy
Engage in forms of activism or contribution that genuinely bring you joy and a sense of purpose, recognizing that your unique path to positive impact is valid.
36. Action Absorbs Anxiety
Take action, even in small or unconventional ways like meditating or a kind gesture, as engaging can help absorb and reduce anxiety.
37. Address Attention Needs
Recognize that ’negative attention seeking’ or annoying behavior often stems from an underlying need for attention, and address this need with self-compassion.
38. Recognize View Attachment Roots
Understand that attachment to your own views (believing yours is the only right one, others are wrong, or only your tribe’s perspective is valid) is an extension of greed, aversion, and delusion.
7 Key Quotes
What you resist persists.
Dan Harris
Suffering hides itself in those three poisons, right? And it's really this sort of pervasive dissatisfaction that we end up experiencing.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
Mindfulness isn't something that's actually really new or foreign to us because a lot of us feel a sense of resonance when we encounter it. It's like, oh, that makes sense.
Cara Lai
When greed, hatred and delusion are active in us without our awareness, it's very easy for us to identify different points of view, different people, different cultures, different perspectives as other, as enemy.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
Waiting for somebody else to change for us to be okay is really not a great tactic for happiness because we can't control the way other people operate and think.
Cara Lai
Often we think that we have to do something grandiose, but if we can't be nonviolent to ourselves and to each other, then we're not going to have a nonviolent world.
Kanda Mason (quoted by Ofosu Jones-Quartey)
Any act of kindness is an act of activism.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
1 Protocols
Working with Difficult Feelings in Meditation
Cara Lai- Pay attention to what happens in the moment before your attention moves away from the present or you get lost in thought.
- When you notice you're lost, reconnect with the present moment and observe what you're feeling, even if it's unpleasant.
- Name the difficult feeling (e.g., rage, sadness, anxiety) without judgment.
- If the feeling is too intense, shift your attention to an easier, neutral anchor (like your feet) to stay grounded.
- Gently touch back into the difficult feeling, noticing where it lives in your body and its qualities.
- Stay with the feeling a little longer than you think you can, building confidence and expanding your window of tolerance.
- Recognize that the feeling may just need attention, to be seen, felt, understood, and loved, which can lead to its transformation and healing.