Rethinking Success | Mia Birdsong
Mia Birdsong, founding Executive Director of Next River, discusses rethinking success by prioritizing community and interdependence over individualism. She offers insights on building relationships, handling rejection, and the transformative power of asking for help, seeing "bootstrapping" as self-hatred.
Deep Dive Analysis
10 Topic Outline
Rethinking Success, Individualism, and 'I' vs. 'You' Skills
Mia Birdsong's Personal Journey to Community Work
Key Learnings on Interdependence and Community Building
Challenges of Fostering Community in Modern Society
Practical Application: The 'KidFun' Shared Childcare Model
Distinguishing Mutuality from Reciprocity in Relationships
Navigating Rejection and Resentment in Community
Actionable Strategies for Building Community
The Etymological Link Between Friendship and Freedom
Freedom as a Collective Practice: The Power of Asking for Help
5 Key Concepts
"I skills" vs. "You skills"
Dan Harris describes 'I skills' as individualistic traits like working hard, honing craft, and sticking up for oneself, often valued in Western culture. 'You skills' are character skills like communication, collaboration, and compassion, which are increasingly crucial in the workplace and for overall well-being.
Interdependence
Mia Birdsong explains that humans are biologically interdependent animals, not independent beings. We rely on others for survival, care, and basic needs, making community and relationships fundamental to our nature.
Mutuality
Mutuality, as opposed to reciprocity, is a group-oriented approach where everyone contributes to their capability, and the well-being of one person is understood to benefit the entire community, without a strict one-to-one calculation of giving and taking.
Resentment as Information
Mia Birdsong's therapist suggests that resentment serves as a signal that a boundary has been crossed. This insight helps individuals understand what needs to be addressed within a relationship or about their own giving.
Freedom (Etymological)
The word 'freedom' shares a Sanskrit etymological root with 'friendship,' meaning 'beloved.' Historically, before the 1500s, being free was understood as being in connected community, rather than being separated from one's people.
7 Questions Answered
The American ideal upholds independence as a measure of success, which is fundamentally antithetical to human nature as biologically interdependent animals, leading to isolation when this version of success is achieved.
Modern society, particularly under capitalism, creates conditions that impede connection by demanding extensive labor, leaving individuals with insufficient time and energy for relationships, which require consistent tending.
Reciprocity involves a calculated exchange of equivalent value or time between individuals, while mutuality is a broader group dynamic where everyone contributes according to their capacity, and the well-being of each person is seen as beneficial to the collective.
When someone declines a request, it should be viewed as information about their boundaries or capacity, not a personal rejection. This perspective allows for gratitude that they are caring for themselves and encourages honest communication.
Resentment serves as a signal that a boundary has been crossed, prompting an individual to reassess their level of giving in that relationship and potentially set their own boundaries or initiate a conversation about the imbalance.
Both words share a Sanskrit etymological root meaning 'beloved.' Historically, prior to the 1500s, being free was understood as being in connected community, implying that separation from one's people meant unfreedom.
Asking for help challenges the belief that it signifies weakness and allows others to experience the joy and purpose of supporting someone. It reinforces the idea that well-being is a collective investment, fostering deeper community bonds.
20 Actionable Insights
1. Push Yourself to Ask for Help
Actively push yourself to ask for help, especially when you feel resistant, understanding that your well-being is important to those who love you, and offering support brings them joy, purpose, and a sense of being alive.
2. Embrace Interdependence
Recognize that humans are inherently interdependent, not independent, and that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a necessary part of human well-being, benefiting both the asker and the helper.
3. Prioritize Relationships & Community
Rethink success to prioritize relationships and community, as research strongly suggests these are critical skills for health, happiness, and success.
4. Reject Bootstrapping Mentality
Reject the ‘bootstrapping’ or ‘going it alone’ mentality, recognizing it as a form of self-hatred that prevents you from seeking and accepting the help and support necessary for well-being.
5. Practice Mutuality, Not Reciprocity
Shift from a transactional mindset of reciprocity (equal give-and-take) to mutuality in community, where everyone contributes according to their capacity, recognizing that the well-being of each person benefits the entire group.
6. Reframe ‘No’ as Information
When someone says ’no’ to a request, view it as information about their boundaries or capacity, not a personal rejection; respond with gratitude to support their self-care and relieve social pressure.
7. Use Resentment as Boundary Signal
Recognize resentment as information that a boundary has been crossed, prompting you to reassess relationships where you are consistently giving more than you receive and to set your own boundaries by providing less.
8. Delegate in Crisis
In times of crisis, explicitly decide not to face it alone; communicate your needs to your community and delegate everything that can be done by others, allowing them to support you.
9. Self-Reflect on Connection Needs
Engage in internal questioning to understand your needs for connection, asking what kind of relationship you seek, your capacity for it, and what you need from relationships to avoid seeking romantic relationships to fill non-romantic holes.
10. Communicate Desire for Connection
‘Tell on yourself’ by explicitly communicating to people in your life that you want more connection or are working on building community, and ask them for help or advice on how to achieve it.
11. Create Shared Childcare Arrangements
Organize shared childcare arrangements with other families, like rotating ‘KidFun’ nights, to provide parents with free time and allow children to build relationships with other adults and adapt to different households.
12. Welcome New Neighbors
Actively welcome new neighbors by bringing a small gift and your contact information, initiating a connection that can evolve into a local support network for shared needs like borrowing items or pet-sitting.
13. Develop ‘You Skills’
Focus on developing ‘you skills’ like communication, collaboration, and compassion, as these character skills are increasingly important in the workplace, even more so than cognitive skills.
14. Practice Grace in Community Building
Give yourself and others a lot of grace when building and maintaining community, recognizing that modern societal conditions make it inherently difficult and exhausting, so don’t feel like you’re failing.
15. Utilize Technology for Connection
Use technology like group texts to maintain connection with your community, sending simple messages like ‘I’m thinking about you’ or acknowledging absence, especially when deeper interaction isn’t possible.
16. Allow Time for Relationship Building
Recognize that building deep relationships takes time, especially as an adult; give yourself spaciousness and patience to find your people and nurture connections, rather than expecting immediate results.
17. Discuss Deepening Existing Relationships
Initiate conversations with current friends about the kind of relationship you desire, exploring if they are open to a closer, more reliable connection and taking your friendship to the next level.
18. Reclaim Human Connection
Give yourself permission to reclaim the inherent human practice of being in relationship, even if it feels awkward or you’re out of practice, by removing assumptions that encourage transactional interactions over genuine connection.
19. Practice Freedom Through Community
Understand that true freedom is a practice of being in connected community, not independence or lack of accountability, and actively work on building and maintaining these connections.
20. Adopt a Generational Perspective
Recognize that the struggle for well-being and community is generational work, understanding what your ancestors faced and what you are passing on to your descendants to contribute to a better future.
7 Key Quotes
We are inherently interdependent animals, like biologically, that's who we are. And that is in opposition with the kind of ideal that America puts forward in terms of what success looks like.
Mia Birdsong
We are a society that is like allergic to asking for help, because we see that as a sign of weakness. But of course, all of us need help and support. And not only do we need it, but we and the people who are offering it benefit from it.
Mia Birdsong
If this is hard, even though this is who we are, right? We do not, it's like, we are air breathing creatures, if we had to survive in the ocean, like it would be hard, right? So even though this is who we are, we struggle with it.
Mia Birdsong
Resentment is information for you. That a boundary has been crossed.
Mia Birdsong
We've been told there's been this like hundreds year grift that America has been pulling on all of us telling us that freedom is a thing that's actually the opposite of freedom.
Mia Birdsong
I would go so far as to say it's a kind of self-hatred to be independent.
Mia Birdsong
Nobody's free unless everybody's free.
Mia Birdsong (quoting Fannie Lou Hamer)
1 Protocols
KidFun Shared Childcare
Mia Birdsong- Identify other families who are also struggling with childcare needs, particularly for personal time or 'date nights'.
- Agree on a regular schedule for shared childcare (e.g., every other Saturday for four hours).
- Rotate hosting responsibilities among the participating families.
- When hosting, allow the children to entertain themselves, creating space for the hosting parents to still have some personal time (e.g., a 'kitchen date').
- When not hosting, use the designated time for personal activities, dates, or rest, free from childcare responsibilities.