Rethinking Success | Mia Birdsong
Mia Birdsong, founding executive director of Next River and author of "How We Show Up," challenges individualistic notions of success. She advocates for community, interdependence, and "use skills" over "eye skills" as critical for health, happiness, and success, offering practical ways to build deeper connections.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Rethinking Success: Eye Skills vs. Use Skills
Mia Birdsong's Motivation for Community Work
Learnings on American Individualism and Interdependence
Personal Transformation and Community Building
Societal Barriers to Connection and Well-being
Critique of Capitalism and Work Culture
The 'KidFun' Protocol for Shared Childcare
Mutuality vs. Reciprocity in Relationships
Processing Resentment and Rejection in Community
Practical Tips for Building Community
Etymological Connection of Friendship and Freedom
Reclaiming Freedom as Connected Community
Freedom as a Practice: The Power of Asking for Help
6 Key Concepts
Eye Skills
Skills focused on individual achievement, such as working hard, honing one's craft, and sticking up for oneself, often associated with traditional measures of success like money and power in an individualistic culture.
Use Skills
Skills that involve other people, including communication, collaboration, and compassion, which are increasingly recognized as critical for workplace success, health, and happiness.
Interdependence
The fundamental biological and social reality that human beings are not independent but inherently rely on each other for survival, care, and meeting basic needs, contrasting with the American ideal of independence.
Mutuality
A concept in relationships where everyone contributes to their capability, understanding that the well-being of individuals (even those contributing less at times) benefits the entire group, rather than a one-on-one calculation of equivalent reciprocation.
Resentment as Information
An insight suggesting that feeling resentment serves as a signal that a boundary has been crossed, providing information to reassess one's giving or expectations within a relationship.
Freedom (Etymological Meaning)
Rooted in a Sanskrit word meaning 'beloved,' historically understood in a pre-1500s Western context as being in connected community, where an unfree person was defined by their separation from their people.
7 Questions Answered
She noticed that as she became more 'successful' in conventional terms, she felt less connected and found it harder to be in community, combined with observations from people lacking community in their own lives.
She learned that the American ideal of success, which upholds independence, is isolating and fundamentally antithetical to human nature, as humans are inherently interdependent.
Modern society's structure, particularly capitalism, demands so much time and energy for labor to meet basic needs, leaving insufficient time for relationships, exercise, nature, and other essential elements of well-being.
Reciprocity involves a calculation of equivalent giving and taking between individuals, while mutuality is about group contribution where everyone gives to their capability, understanding that supporting others benefits the collective well-being.
When someone says no, it should be seen as information about their capacity or boundaries, not a personal rejection, allowing one to distinguish between what's theirs to deal with and what's someone else's.
Both words share a Sanskrit root meaning 'beloved,' suggesting an ancient understanding that to be free was to be in connected community, and unfreedom was separation from one's people.
If freedom is defined as being in connected community, then it's not a static state but an ongoing effort that requires actively working on personal resistances (like asking for help) and fostering collective connection.
19 Actionable Insights
1. Rethink Your Definition of Success
Re-evaluate your definition of success beyond just money and power to include relationships and community, as these are critical skills for health, happiness, and overall success.
2. Prioritize Relationships for Well-being
Actively prioritize building and maintaining strong relationships, as data suggests they are the number one lever for a happy and long life, and they bring ease to other well-being practices like exercise and mental health.
3. Embrace Your Interdependence
Recognize and embrace your inherent interdependence as a human being, challenging the societal ideal of independence, which is fundamentally antithetical to our biological nature and can lead to isolation.
4. Practice Asking for Help
Push yourself to ask for help, even when it feels uncomfortable or like a sign of weakness, because it benefits both you and those who offer support, and it is a vital part of being in a connected community.
5. Cultivate ‘You Skills’
Focus on developing ‘you skills’ such as communication, collaboration, and compassion, as these character skills are increasingly important for success in the workplace and in life, often more so than cognitive skills.
6. Practice Mutuality, Not Reciprocity
Shift your mindset from strict reciprocity (equal exchange) to mutuality in community, where everyone contributes according to their capability, understanding that the well-being of each individual benefits the entire group.
7. Grant Grace in Relationships
Give yourself and others a lot of grace when building and maintaining relationships, acknowledging that it’s inherently difficult in modern society and requires vigilant tending, rather than feeling like a failure.
8. Resentment Signals Boundary Crossing
View resentment as valuable information indicating that a boundary has been crossed, prompting you to reassess your contributions or set new boundaries in a relationship.
9. Accept ‘No’ with Gratitude
When someone says ’no’ to a request, receive it with gratitude, understanding it as information about their capacity or boundaries, not a personal rejection, and that it encourages them to set healthy limits.
10. Allow Others to Help
Recognize that allowing others to help you is a gift to them, providing a sense of purpose and connection that is beautiful and nurturing for the givers.
11. Challenge ‘Bootstrapping’ Mentality
Challenge the societal ideal of ‘bootstrapping’ or ‘going it alone,’ viewing extreme independence as potentially a form of self-hatred that isolates you from necessary support and community.
12. Reclaim Human Connection
Reclaim the organic and human practice of building relationships by shedding assumptions that help is transactional and recognizing that deep connection is an inherent part of being a person.
13. Practice Collective Freedom
Practice freedom as a collective act by actively engaging in connected community, working on both internal resistances and external actions to foster shared well-being.
14. Create Micro Support Structures
Actively create your own ‘micro infrastructures of support’ within your community, recognizing that this is part of a larger, generational effort to foster well-being despite systemic challenges.
15. Share Childcare with Other Families
Organize a ‘KidFun’ system with other families, where children rotate houses for childcare, allowing parents free time while also fostering stronger relationships among the children and between children and other adults.
16. Know Your Neighbors
Make an effort to get to know your neighbors, perhaps by welcoming new ones with a small gesture like a note and contact information, as this can be the start of a supportive community network.
17. Communicate Your Needs Openly
Be open and ’tell on yourself’ to people in your life by explicitly communicating your needs and desires for deeper connection or personal growth, inviting them to discuss how to achieve it together.
18. Understand Your Connection Needs
Engage in internal questioning to understand your personal capacity for relationships, what you truly need from them, and what types of relationships can best fulfill those needs.
19. Be Patient Building Relationships
Give yourself spaciousness and patience when building new relationships, understanding that finding your ‘people’ and developing deep connections takes time and consistent effort.
5 Key Quotes
I would go so far as to say it's a kind of self-hatred to be independent.
Mia Birdsong
We are inherently interdependent animals. Like biologically, that's who we are.
Mia Birdsong
Resentment is information for you. That a boundary has been crossed.
Mia Birdsong (quoting her therapist)
We've been told there's been this like hundreds year grift that America has been pulling on all of us telling us that freedom is a thing that's actually the opposite of freedom.
Mia Birdsong
My well-being actually is dependent on the well-being of my neighbors.
Mia Birdsong
2 Protocols
KidFun Shared Childcare
Mia Birdsong- Talk to two other families whose children go to school together and are struggling with similar childcare needs.
- Agree to rotate hosting duties every other Saturday for about four hours, with all children going to one family's house.
- The host family cares for all the children, while the other two couples have free time for dates or personal activities.
- Allow children to entertain themselves and adapt to different household rules, fostering their relationships with each other and other adults.
Community Support During Crisis (Cancer Care)
Mia Birdsong- Make an explicit decision not to be a 'strong person' and to actively ask for help, rather than trying to manage everything independently.
- Communicate clearly to your community what is happening and what specific types of help are needed, stating that 'everything else that can be done by another person' is welcome.
- Allow a 'care squad' to self-organize or delegate roles for practical needs like feeding the family, organizing walks, and running errands.
- Receive support for practical needs and emotional well-being, including a 'joy fund' for personal enjoyment.
- Recognize and appreciate that giving help is also a nurturing and purposeful experience for community members, fostering their own sense of connection and capacity.