Rewire How You Talk To Yourself | Ofosu Jones-Quartey
Ofosu Jones-Quartey, a meditation teacher, author, and musician, shares Buddhist strategies for rewiring inner talk. He emphasizes self-compassion as a foundational practice for resilience and a successful spiritual journey, offering both on and off-cushion techniques to cultivate kindness towards oneself.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to Harsh Inner Dialogue and Self-Compassion
Ofosu Jones-Quartey's Personal Journey with Self-Compassion
Addressing the 'Dharma Teachers Get Depressed' Question
The Missing Warmth in Mindfulness Practice
Defining Self-Compassion: Relating to Yourself as a Friend
Resistance to Self-Compassion: 'It's Cheesy'
Resistance to Self-Compassion: 'It Will Make Me Lose My Edge'
Resistance to Self-Compassion: 'I Don't Deserve This'
Resistance to Self-Compassion: The Buddhist 'No-Self' Argument
Off-Cushion Self-Compassion Practices
On-Cushion Self-Compassion Practices
Addressing the 'Self-Compassion is Selfish' Argument
Teaching Self-Compassion to Children
Ofosu's Dharma-Inspired Music: 'In This Moment'
6 Key Concepts
Self-Compassion
Developing a relationship with yourself akin to one you'd have with a best friend or loved one, involving checking in on your mental, emotional, and physical state and responding with the same care and kindness you'd offer to someone you hold dear.
Wisdom and Compassion
Two inextricable 'wings of awakening' in Buddhism; wisdom addresses ultimate reality (interdependence, non-self), while compassion addresses conventional reality (individual experience, consequences of actions), both necessary to address reality in totality.
Conventional Reality
The day-to-day experience of having a name, history, and experiences where individual actions have consequences, existing simultaneously with ultimate reality.
Ultimate Reality
The deeper nature of reality where there is no enduring self-nature to anything or anyone, characterized by interdependence and interconnectedness, often obscured by the 'thicket' of personal suffering.
Distance Self-Talk
A technique where people use their own names when talking to themselves (e.g., 'Ofosu, you got this'), which can create psychological distance and make one more likely to listen to the wiser part of their mind.
Papancha (Thought Proliferation)
The way minds can spew thoughts, chatter, spin scenarios, or engage in judgmental, harsh modes of thinking and relating, which mindfulness practice helps to observe.
8 Questions Answered
It saved his life during a period of deep depression by teaching him to relate to himself as a friend, and it continues to be the foundation that keeps him going and prevents him from falling back into despair.
Yes, even experienced practitioners and teachers are not immune to suffering, as life is unpredictable and various factors can contribute to anxiety and depression; mindfulness helps notice the suffering, but compassion is needed to actively respond to it.
It is developing a relationship with yourself that is similar to the relationship you would have with a best friend or loved one, involving checking in with your mental, emotional, and physical state and responding with care.
No, self-compassion is not self-delusion or letting yourself off the hook; instead, it acts as the fuel to keep going, recognizing efforts and providing positive reinforcement, which ultimately makes individuals more efficient and effective at reaching their goals.
Consider how you would treat a loved one or a child who has made mistakes or is suffering; compassion is believed to make things better in any circumstance, and addressing one's own suffering with kindness can heal root causes.
Self-compassion is a skillful means to achieve clarity within the self, healing injuries and reconciling internal issues, which ultimately helps liberate the self and overcome the illusion of separateness, rather than reinforcing it.
No, by meeting one's own suffering with loving-kindness, one not only heals themselves but also contributes to healing a lineage of suffering for ancestors, contemporaries, and future generations, making the world a safer place.
A simple and effective entry point is to ask children, 'What would you say to a friend of yours who is feeling the same way?' This helps them realize they would offer more grace to others than themselves, planting seeds for an alternate, kinder approach to challenges.
23 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Self-Compassion as Foundation
Make self-compassion a foundational practice in your life, as it is essential for sustained well-being, resilience, and navigating life’s challenges, pulling you out of difficulties and preventing deeper falls.
2. Relate to Yourself as Friend
Cultivate a relationship with yourself akin to how you’d treat a best friend, offering the same care, understanding, and support you would to a loved one.
3. Integrate Mindfulness with Compassion
Move beyond mere mindful observation by actively responding to your inner experiences with kindness and warmth, rather than a ‘clinical and cold’ detachment, to make your practice whole.
4. Self-Kindness Fuels Your Journey
Recognize that kindness, gentleness, and patience towards yourself are essential fuel for sustaining your efforts and seeing your life’s path through to the end.
5. Grant Yourself Grace
Give yourself grace and avoid holding yourself to unreasonable standards, acknowledging the inherent difficulty and mystery of the human experience.
6. Address Harsh Inner Dialogue
Become aware of and actively work to change your harsh inner dialogue, as it degrades resilience, leads to burnout, and negatively impacts relationships.
7. Self-Compassion Boosts Effectiveness
Understand that self-compassion is a fuel for sustained effort and goal achievement, not an excuse for self-delusion; it makes you more efficient and effective, not less.
8. Embrace Discomfort for Growth
Recognize that self-compassion sometimes involves choosing uncomfortable actions, like rigorous training or facing fears, when they are ultimately in your best long-term interest.
9. Counter Unworthiness with Child Image
When feeling unworthy, imagine yourself as a child or a loved one and extend the same unconditional compassion, understanding, and care to yourself that you would to them.
10. Self-Compassion Liberates the Self
Practice self-compassion to heal and clarify your conventional self, bringing awareness to all parts of your experience, which ultimately supports liberation from suffering and attachment to a fixed self.
11. Self-Compassion Benefits All
Recognize that addressing your own suffering through self-compassion is not selfish; it contributes to healing your personal lineage and making the world a safer, more habitable place for others.
12. Daily Mind-Body-Emotion Check-in
Regularly check in with your mental, emotional, and physical state, then respond to yourself with the same kindness and words of support you’d offer a friend in a similar situation.
13. Start with ‘Baby Steps’ Kindness
Begin practicing self-compassion by acknowledging and giving yourself a ‘shout-out’ for completing even the most basic daily tasks, allowing the positive feeling to outweigh initial awkwardness.
14. Journal for Self-Support
Engage in journaling by writing short letters to yourself, recognizing your efforts and challenges, and offering words of support to create a healthy self-feedback loop.
15. Place Written Reminders
Place written affirmations or gratitude reminders in visible locations like mirrors or refrigerators to interrupt negative thought patterns and create moments of self-compassion and pause.
16. Utilize Accountability Partners
Partner with someone on your self-compassion journey, checking in periodically about your self-talk and practice to gain community support and maintain consistency without self-shame.
17. Practice Distance Self-Talk
Address yourself by your own name during self-talk (e.g., ‘Dan, you can do this’) to create psychological distance, which helps you access and heed your wiser inner voice.
18. Ask ‘What If I Wasn’t So Hard?’
When your inner critic is active, pause and ask yourself, ‘What if I wasn’t so hard on myself right now?’ or ‘Is it possible to approach this with more grace?’ to shift your self-talk.
19. Challenge Thoughts: ‘Is This True?’
Challenge anxious or negative thoughts by asking, ‘Is this really true?’ to methodically examine the reality of your thoughts versus the actual situation.
20. Practice Body Scan with Gratitude
During meditation, move your awareness through your body, appreciating each region’s function, collecting tension on the in-breath, releasing it on the out-breath, and offering a mental ’thank you’.
21. Metta for Inner Child/Needs
In loving-kindness practice, visualize yourself as a small child or identify your current needs, then offer specific words of kindness, reassurance, or wishes (e.g., ‘May I feel safe,’ ‘May I relax’) to yourself.
22. Formal Mind-Body-Heart Reflection
Begin formal meditation by checking in with your mind, body, and emotions; then, imagine a loved one feeling the same way and extend that same compassionate response and heartfelt attention to yourself.
23. Teach Children Self-Compassion
Plant seeds of self-compassion in children by consistently asking them, ‘How would you treat a friend who was going through the same thing?’ to help them extend kindness to themselves.
7 Key Quotes
If anybody else talked to me the way I talk to myself, I would likely punch that other person in the face.
Dan Harris
Self-compassion has evolved into being the thing that I love to talk about the most because in my own life, it's what I believe saved my life and continues to keep me alive.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
Compassion is an active process. So I needed to notice and respond in a compassionate way. And that piece wasn't happening.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
This entire experience is a ridiculous, difficult mystery. And I think the most reasonable response as we are drifting through this mystery is to offer ourselves some grace and by extension, each other.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
There's no circumstance where compassion can't make things better.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
When I take care of my own suffering, especially the lineage of suffering that passes through me genetically, my parents, my grandparents, all the way back to the beginning of time, you know, when I'm healing the conditions that create suffering within myself, I do that on behalf of my ancestors. But I also do that on behalf of my children. And I do that on behalf of my contemporaries.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
Even though right now I feel like I'm worthless, I'ma just look at my mind and observe it.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
2 Protocols
Off-Cushion Self-Compassion Practices
Ofosu Jones-Quartey- Journaling: Write yourself a short letter after meditation or at other times, recognizing efforts, challenges, and offering words of support.
- Written Reminders: Place notes or stickers with affirmations (e.g., 'You're doing the best you can,' 'There are so many things to be thankful for') around your home to pause negative thought streams.
- Accountability Partners: Find someone to share your self-compassion journey with, checking in periodically on each other's self-talk to provide support and avoid self-shaming.
- Running Inquiry: In moments of inner critic activity, ask yourself, 'What if I wasn't so hard on myself right now?' or 'Is this really true?' to challenge negative thoughts.
On-Cushion Self-Compassion Practices
Ofosu Jones-Quartey- Self-Compassion Body Scan: Move awareness through the body, region by region (e.g., head, neck, shoulders), noticing what's there, appreciating all the work that happens, giving permission to relax, and offering a mental 'thank you.'
- Loving-Kindness (Meta) Practice: Call up an image of yourself (perhaps as a small child) and offer words of kindness and reassurance, using specific phrases tailored to your current needs (e.g., 'May I feel safe,' 'May I be able to relax').
- Mind, Body, Heart Check-in: Briefly assess your current mental, physical, and emotional state. Then, imagine a best friend, loved one, or child feeling exactly the same way, and offer yourself the same words and movements of the heart you would offer them.