Rewire How You Talk To Yourself | Ofosu Jones-Quartey
Ofosu Jones-Quartey, a meditation teacher, author, and musician, discusses Buddhist strategies for rewiring harsh inner dialogue through self-compassion. He covers overcoming resistance, practical techniques for daily life and meditation, and teaching self-compassion to children.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Introduction to Self-Compassion and Inner Dialogue
Ofosu's Personal Journey with Self-Compassion and Depression
The Role of Self-Compassion in a Meditation Practice
Defining Self-Compassion: Relating to Yourself as a Friend
Addressing Resistance: 'Self-Compassion is Cheesy'
Addressing Resistance: 'Self-Compassion Makes Me Lose My Edge'
Addressing Resistance: 'I Don't Deserve Self-Compassion'
Addressing Resistance: The Buddhist Paradox of Self and Non-Self
Off-the-Cushion Self-Compassion Practices
On-the-Cushion Self-Compassion Practices
Addressing Resistance: 'Self-Compassion is Selfish'
Teaching Self-Compassion to Children
Ofosu's Music: Buddhist-themed Hip-Hop and Personal Expression
7 Key Concepts
Harsh Inner Dialogue
A common habit of negative self-talk that is often mistakenly believed to keep one safe, but actually degrades resilience, causes burnout, and can harm relationships with others. It's a pervasive internal criticism that many people experience.
Self-Compassion
Developing a relationship with oneself that mirrors the care, kindness, and understanding one would offer to a best friend, a loved one, a pet, or a small child. It involves acknowledging one's feelings and responding with warmth and support.
Trance of Unworthiness
A psychological state where an individual feels undeserving of kindness or compassion, often stemming from past mistakes, perceived flaws, or traumas. This trance can lead to self-indictment and prevent self-healing.
Two Wings of Awakening
In Buddhist practice, this refers to the inextricable pairing of wisdom and compassion. Wisdom addresses the ultimate reality of interdependence and non-self, while compassion addresses the conventional, on-the-ground reality of individual experience and suffering.
Conventional vs. Ultimate Reality
Conventional reality is our day-to-day experience of having a distinct self, name, history, and consequences for actions. Ultimate reality is the deeper truth of non-self, interconnectedness, and impermanence, where phenomena are seen as constantly changing subatomic particles rather than fixed entities.
Distance Self-Talk
A cognitive technique where individuals refer to themselves by their own name or in the second person (e.g., 'Ofosu, you can do this') when engaging in self-talk. This creates psychological distance, making one more likely to listen to and act on the wiser parts of their own mind.
Papancha (Thought Proliferation)
A Buddhist term describing the mind's tendency to generate an excessive stream of thoughts, chatter, scenarios, and often judgmental or harsh self-criticism. Mindfulness helps in noticing this proliferation, which can then be addressed with compassionate inquiry.
10 Questions Answered
Self-compassion is foundational for resilience, preventing burnout, and improving relationships, as it helps individuals navigate life's highs and lows, pulling them out of difficult emotional states and preventing deeper falls.
Yes, even experienced practitioners and teachers are not exempt from suffering, as life is unpredictable. Mindfulness helps notice suffering, but active compassion is needed to respond to it and heal.
It's natural for it to feel awkward or silly at first, but by starting with small acts of kindness towards oneself (like acknowledging basic accomplishments), the positive feelings will eventually outweigh the initial silliness.
No, self-compassion is not self-delusion or an excuse to avoid responsibility; rather, it serves as the fuel to keep going, recognizing efforts and providing positive reinforcement, which ultimately makes individuals more efficient and effective in reaching their goals.
Consider how you would treat a loved one with similar flaws; typically, you would offer them compassion. You can also imagine yourself as a child, recognizing that only you know your full journey and can offer the understanding and love you truly need.
No, self-compassion works alongside wisdom. While wisdom addresses the ultimate reality of non-self, compassion addresses the conventional reality of individual experience. It helps clarify and heal the self, making it less 'sticky' and allowing for liberation and transcendence.
Useful practices include journaling to process experiences and offer self-support, placing written reminders (affirmations) around your home to interrupt negative thought patterns, and establishing accountability partners to support your self-compassion journey.
You can do a self-compassion body scan by moving awareness through the body and offering appreciation and gratitude to each region, or engage in a loving-kindness practice by visualizing yourself as a child or identifying specific needs and offering tailored phrases of kindness and reassurance.
No, it is not selfish. As Thich Nhat Hanh suggested, meeting your own suffering with loving kindness helps not only yourself but all beings, as healing personal suffering contributes to a broader healing of lineage, contemporaries, and future generations.
A simple and effective approach is to ask them, 'What would you say to a friend of yours who is feeling the same way?' This helps children realize they would offer more grace to others than themselves, planting seeds for an alternate, kinder approach to challenges.
16 Actionable Insights
1. Treat Yourself as a Friend
Develop a relationship with yourself akin to one with a best friend or loved one by checking in on your mental, emotional, and physical state, then responding with the same care and words you would offer them.
2. Monitor Your Inner Dialogue
Become aware of your constant inner talk and critically examine if the way you speak to yourself is kind, recognizing that many people use harsher words on themselves than they would on their worst enemy.
3. Question Harsh Self-Talk
When you notice your inner critic’s volume is high, pause and ask yourself, ‘What if I wasn’t so hard on myself right now?’ or ‘Is this really true?’ to offer a kinder, more supportive approach.
4. Self-Compassion Fuels Goals
Understand that self-compassion is not self-delusion but the fuel to maintain your ’edge’ and achieve goals more effectively, providing positive reinforcement and preventing burnout, even during uncomfortable but beneficial activities.
5. Heal Suffering for All
Recognize that addressing your own suffering with loving kindness is not selfish, but an act that heals your personal legacy and contributes to a safer, more habitable world for others, linking your inner well-being to your outer behavior.
6. Start with Basic Self-Kindness
Begin by talking to yourself with a little more kindness, even giving yourself a pat on the back for basic actions like getting out of bed, to overcome initial awkwardness and build positive self-reinforcement.
7. Journal for Self-Support
Engage in journaling, especially when facing challenges, by writing short letters to yourself that acknowledge your efforts and struggles, offering support and serving as your own witness.
8. Post Affirmation Reminders
Place written affirmations or reminders in visible spots, like a bathroom mirror or refrigerator, to interrupt negative thought patterns and create moments of grace and gratitude, counteracting the mind’s negativity bias.
9. Get a Self-Compassion Partner
Find a trusted friend or loved one to be an accountability partner, checking in with each other periodically about your self-talk and self-compassion practice to leverage community support and sustain the habit.
10. Perform Gratitude Body Scan
During meditation, systematically move your awareness through your body, noticing sensations, appreciating the work each region does, giving it permission to relax, and offering a mental ’thank you’ to foster a better relationship with your physical self.
11. Personalize Loving Kindness
Incorporate loving kindness meditation by visualizing yourself as a small child or your current self, and offering specific words of kindness and reassurance tailored to your immediate needs, rather than generic phrases.
12. Daily Mind-Body-Emotion Check-in
Before meditation, conduct a brief check-in on your mental, physical, and emotional state, then imagine a loved one feeling the same way and extend the same words and heartfelt care to yourself.
13. Teach Kids Friend-Talk Inquiry
When children express self-criticism or face challenges, ask them, ‘How would you treat a friend who was going through the same thing?’ to plant seeds of self-compassion and suggest a kinder inner dialogue.
14. Universalize Your Suffering
When experiencing suffering, consider it a universal human condition by imagining all beings who have experienced or will experience similar suffering, which can open the heart and reduce feelings of isolation.
15. Heal Suffering’s Root Causes
Use self-compassion to address the underlying causes of your suffering, acknowledging past unskillful actions without self-indictment, and offering love and understanding to your ‘inner child’ to heal and reconcile internal issues.
16. Self-Compassion for Liberation
View self-compassion as a skillful means for liberation, not ego reinforcement, by clarifying your relationship with yourself, healing internal injuries, and bringing ‘shadow’ aspects into light, enabling you to let go of the sticky self and connect with ultimate reality.
7 Key Quotes
If anybody talked to me the way I talk to myself, I would likely punch that other person in the face.
Dan Harris
Self-compassion has evolved into being the thing that I love to talk about the most because in my own life, it's what I believe saved my life and continues to keep me alive.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
This entire experience is a ridiculous, difficult mystery. And I think the most reasonable response as we are drifting through this mystery is to offer ourselves some grace and by extension, each other.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
There's no circumstance where compassion can't make things better.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
When we meet our suffering with loving kindness, we do so not only for ourselves, but for all beings, for all time.
Thich Nhat Hanh (paraphrased by Ofosu Jones-Quartey)
I am the pain that I didn't take care of that turned into all of the things that I'm scared of.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
Even though right now I feel like I'm worthless, I'm gonna just look at my mind and observe it.
Ofosu Jones-Quartey
3 Protocols
Self-Compassion Body Scan
Ofosu Jones-Quartey- Move your awareness through the body in a conventional body scan way (e.g., head, face, neck, shoulders, arms, and so on).
- While giving attention to each region of the body, offer a sense of appreciation for it.
- On the next in-breath, collect any tension that might be present in that region.
- As you breathe out, give that region permission to relax.
- As you breathe in again, acknowledge how much hard work happens in this region.
- As you breathe out, offer a simple mental 'thank you' to this region.
Loving Kindness with Inner Child or Specific Needs
Ofosu Jones-Quartey- Instead of just thinking of yourself as an abstract concept, call up an image of yourself in your mind, or remember yourself as a small child.
- Think of what that child needed at the time, or what the child that lives within you needs right now.
- Inquire with yourself: 'What do you want right now?' and 'What do you need?'
- Offer words of kindness and reassurance to the young person within you or just to the person that you are, tailoring the phrases to your specific needs or wishes (e.g., 'May I feel safe,' 'May I be successful,' 'May I be able to relax in this moment,' 'May I move beyond fear').
Mind, Body, Heart Reflection Check-in
Ofosu Jones-Quartey- Do a short mental, physical, and emotional check-in by asking: 'How is my mind right now? How's my body right now? How are my emotions right now?'
- Imagine that a best friend, a loved one, a puppy, a child, or any person who you would immediately feel some positive regard towards, is feeling exactly how you are feeling.
- Whatever you would say to them in that situation, say to yourself.
- Allow your heart to go out to yourself, bearing witness to whatever your reality is in the moment, and rest with that feeling.