Sally Kohn, 'We Need to Fix Hate'
Sally Kohn, a liberal political commentator and community organizer, discusses her experience working at Fox News, her meditation journey, and insights from her book "The Opposite of Hate." She explores the roots of societal hate and offers strategies for individuals and institutions to foster compassion and connection.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Cultivating Enjoyment in Meditation Practice
Using Classical Buddhist Phrases and Dedication of Merit
Sally Kohn's Introduction and Initial Meditation Experiences
Transition from Community Organizing to Media Work
Struggling with the Concept of Acceptance on a Second Retreat
Reconciling Acceptance with the Desire for Change and Activism
Experience as a Liberal Commentator at Fox News
The Broad Definition and Universal Nature of Hate
Understanding the 'They Started It' Philosophy of Blame
Individual and Structural Approaches to Fixing Hate and Polarization
Examples of Community-Level Connection and Bridge Building
Controversy Surrounding Sally Kohn's Book and White Privilege
Outlook on Healing National Divides and the Possibility of Change
6 Key Concepts
Enjoying Meditation Practice
Meditation doesn't require striving for specific feelings like relaxation; the goal is to feel whatever arises clearly. However, one can tune into subtle pleasant sensations ('hair north of neutral') and approach distractions with a lighthearted 'welcome to the party' instead of self-criticism.
Mindfulness/Insight Meditation
A practice where one observes the breath and mental processes, and when distracted, gently returns attention to the object of concentration. This process helps to gain clarity about one's mental patterns, reducing their power over one's actions.
Metta/Loving Kindness Meditation
A practice involving systematically envisioning oneself and others (friends, neutral people, difficult people, all beings) and silently repeating phrases like 'May you be happy, may you be healthy,' to cultivate compassion and good wishes.
Acceptance (in Meditation/Buddhism)
Recognizing and acknowledging the current reality of thoughts, feelings, or external situations without fighting against them. This does not mean being complacent or at peace with injustice, but rather approaching the desire for change from a place of wisdom and compassion rather than anger.
They Started It Philosophy of Hate
A psychological tendency where individuals perceive their own negative actions as mistakes, but attribute others' negative actions to their inherent bad character. This fuels a cycle of blame where each side views the other as hateful while seeing themselves as justified.
Calling In vs. Calling Out
A framework for addressing problematic behavior where 'calling in' involves creating opportunities for people to learn, grow, and improve, rather than 'calling out' which often leads to condemnation and exclusion.
7 Questions Answered
You can tune into subtle pleasant sensations that arise during meditation, even if they're just 'a hair north of neutral.' Also, when distracted, instead of self-flagellation, try naming your inner voices (e.g., 'the planner,' 'anger') and greeting them with a lighthearted 'welcome to the party' before returning to your focus.
At the beginning, you might say 'May all beings everywhere be free from suffering' to pull yourself out of selfish concerns. At the end, you can practice 'dedication of merit,' giving away any positive benefits of your meditation to all beings.
Meditation can help you realize that your mind doesn't have to be an uncontrolled enemy. By learning to quiet your mind, be more present, and accept thoughts rather than pushing them away, you can cultivate a more peaceful relationship with your inner experience.
The book argues that hate, broadly defined, stems from a habit of demeaning and dehumanizing certain people or groups, often based on identity or ideas. It posits that everyone participates in this to some degree, and that addressing hate requires both individual responsibility and systemic change.
People often join hate organizations not primarily for the ideology, but because they are searching for belonging. They then 'slide into the ideology' and deepen their bonds with the group through shared hate.
On an individual level, take responsibility for your own biases and imperfections, and seek to connect with others. Structurally, implement 'connection policies' that foster integration (e.g., in schools) and create opportunities for people from different backgrounds to interact and build understanding.
Connection makes it 'hard to hate up close.' When people from different backgrounds (e.g., different races, religions, political affiliations) interact, learn about each other, and break bread together, it can reduce unconscious bias and foster understanding.
17 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Mind-Friendship
Learn to make friends with your mind through meditation, presence, and loving kindness, recognizing it doesn’t have to be an enemy but can become a friend, leading to more peace.
2. Accept Thoughts, Don’t Push
Instead of pushing away thoughts or ideas considered negative or destructive, accept them, as this makes them less powerful and allows for a letting go, rather than feeding them through struggle.
3. Accept Reality, Not Forever
Understand that accepting the current state of things (e.g., inequality, personal limitations) does not mean being at peace with it indefinitely; it means acknowledging reality to work towards change from a place of wisdom and compassion, rather than anger.
4. Act with Compassion, Not Anger
Approach social justice issues from a place of compassion rather than abiding anger, as compassion is a more effective and resilient long-term strategy for attacking problems and helping those affected.
5. Embody Loving Kindness Politically
Extend the practice of loving kindness beyond meditation to actively embody it in political acts, social media interactions, and television appearances, considering what it means to act through kindness in the world.
6. Own Your Piece of Hate
Instead of solely blaming others for hate and tribalism, take ownership of your own imperfections, unconscious biases, and contributions to the problem, as this is a constructive way to initiate conversations and find solutions.
7. Start Difficult Talks with Self-Reflection
When engaging in conversations with those you disagree with, begin by acknowledging your own mistakes or biases (e.g., “my unconscious racial bias”) rather than attacking or pointing fingers, to prevent rational thinking from shutting down and to foster genuine dialogue.
8. Believe in Redeemability, Offer Opportunity
Adopt the mindset that “no one is the worst thing they’ve ever done” and act as though people are redeemable, giving them the opportunity to be their best selves, rather than condemning them to the worst version you perceive.
9. Foster Connection Through Integration
Implement “connection policies” and individual actions that increase interaction across different groups (e.g., racially integrated schools, interfaith programs) because it is “hard to hate up close” and such connections reduce unconscious bias.
10. Practice Generosity and Grace
When people are trying to change, grow, or overcome injustices, recognize that the path is not straight or smooth; extend generosity and grace to them, creating opportunities for learning rather than “voting them off the island.”
11. Be Transparent, Learn Publicly
Be open about your own mistakes, hurtful actions, or problematic thoughts, and be willing to learn and grow from public scrutiny or “call-outs,” viewing these as opportunities for improvement rather than just condemnation.
12. Don’t Demand Meditation Enjoyment
Striving to feel a certain way (e.g., relaxed, calm) during meditation almost guarantees you won’t feel that way, as the goal is to feel whatever you’re feeling clearly so feelings don’t own you.
13. Open to Pleasant Sensations
Tune into “just a hair north of neutral” pleasant sensations, like the feeling of your breath, without forcing it, as there are moments when meditation can be pleasant.
14. Avoid Self-Flagellation for Distractions
Recognize that getting distracted and returning attention to your breath is the essence of meditation; beating yourself up for distractions is counterproductive and prevents enjoyment.
15. Name and Greet Inner Voices
Identify your recurring inner neurotic programs (e.g., planner, anger, work-thinker, rusher) and greet them with “Welcome to the party” before returning to your breath, which can make the practice more cheerful and less grim.
16. Begin Meditation with Aspiration
Start your meditation with a phrase like “May all beings everywhere be free from suffering” to pull yourself out of selfish concerns and create better inner weather for the practice.
17. Dedicate Meditation’s Merit
At the end of meditation, mentally dedicate any positive benefits generated to “everybody” or “all beings,” which is a useful exercise to generate the wish to give away benefits, even if it feels cheesy.
6 Key Quotes
It's very hard for type A, you know, East coast neurotic Jew. And so it's very hard for people like us or really frankly, for anybody to, to wrap their head around that. But it is the thing to know.
Dan Harris
It is hard to hate up close.
Brene Brown (quoted by Sally Kohn)
No one is the worst thing they've ever done.
Bryan Stevenson (quoted by Sally Kohn)
Most people don't believe themselves to be hateful. Most people don't wake up in the morning thinking they're hateful.
Sally Kohn
Intent isn't the same thing as impact.
Sally Kohn
The minute you have an argument, the rational thinking parts of the brain shut down and the fight or flight parts turn on and we pick a side and we just keep having an argument.
Sally Kohn
3 Protocols
Cultivating Enjoyment in Meditation Practice
Dan Harris (describing advice from Jeff Warren)- Notice sensations that are 'just like a hair north of neutral,' tuning into subtle pleasant qualities of the breath or quiet sitting.
- Identify and name inner neurotic programs or distracting voices (e.g., 'the planner,' 'anger,' 'the rusher').
- Greet these inner voices with a salutation like 'Welcome to the party.'
- Return attention to the breath or chosen object of concentration, avoiding self-flagellation.
Classical Buddhist Meditation Phrases (Dan Harris's Practice)
Dan Harris- At the beginning of meditation: Silently say, 'May all beings everywhere be free from suffering.'
- At the end of meditation (Dedication of Merit): Silently say, 'Anything positive that may have been generated in these [duration] of sitting, I give it away to everybody/all beings.'
Community Bridge-Building Program (Nashville)
Sally Kohn- Evangelical ministers and Muslim community leaders went on a retreat to learn about each other's faiths, traditions, and texts, and to socialize.
- Congregants from evangelical churches visit mosques and break bread together.
- Members of the mosque experience worship services in Christian congregations and break bread together.