Sebene Selassie On How To Be "Non-Attached" When the Stakes Are High
Dan Harris and meditation teacher Sebene Selassie discuss practicing non-attachment in high-stakes situations, meeting chronic pain with compassion, and overcoming challenges in forming a meditation habit. They also delve into Buddhist teachings on impermanence and the self.
Deep Dive Analysis
10 Topic Outline
Welcome and Episode Overview
Guided Meditation: Grounding and Allowing Awareness
Dan's Personal Experience: Weaning Off Zoloft
Practicing Non-Attachment in High-Stakes Situations
Understanding Impermanence and the Five Remembrances
Responsibility Without Attachment
Approaching Chronic Pain, Illness, and Fear with Compassion
Overcoming Challenges in Meditation Habit Formation
Clarifying Metta and Self-Metta
Exploring Rebirth, Ancestral Generations, and Not-Self
6 Key Concepts
Impermanence (Anicca)
A central Buddhist teaching that all things, including ourselves, rise and pass away. Understanding this truth, even for a moment, is considered profoundly important, allowing for greater capacity for love and appreciation rather than denial of suffering.
The Five Remembrances
A powerful daily practice of recollecting fundamental truths of existence: being of the nature to age, grow sick, die, be separated from loved ones, and being the heir of one's karma. This practice, though seemingly morose, is described as enlivening and helps come to terms with life's realities.
Near Enemy of Equanimity
Indifference, which can be mistaken for true non-attachment or perspective. True non-attachment is not about being uncaring, but recognizing the truth of human existence while still showing up with love and care.
The Four Tendencies
Gretchen Rubin's framework describing how individuals respond to expectations, categorizing people as Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, or Rebels. Most people are 'Obligers,' meaning they are externally motivated and more likely to fulfill obligations to others than to themselves.
Self-Meta
A specific application of Metta (loving-kindness) meditation, where the practitioner directs feelings of warmth, benevolence, and friendliness towards themselves. This practice is particularly powerful for cultivating self-care, especially during health crises.
Karmic Stream
In Buddhist philosophy, the concept that what gets reborn is not a fixed 'self' or 'soul,' but rather a continuous flow of mind or karmic energy. This stream carries the accumulated impact of one's actions and experiences across lifetimes, rather than a distinct individual entity.
5 Questions Answered
Non-attachment is not about denying love or becoming indifferent, but about recognizing the truth of impermanence—that all things rise and pass away. This understanding allows for greater capacity to love and appreciate things as they are, without clinging to the idea that they should remain a particular way.
Being responsible while practicing non-attachment means showing up with love and care, but without denying the truth of human existence and impermanence. It's about recognizing that things are constantly changing and avoiding indifference, which is the 'near enemy' of equanimity.
It's important to first allow and feel your feelings without getting lost in stories of comparison or victimhood. Practices like self-meta (loving-kindness towards oneself) and self-compassion (mindfulness, common humanity, self-kindness, and acknowledging systemic challenges) can help cultivate a kinder relationship with physical hardship.
Struggling with habit formation is common and not a personal failing, as humans are not wired for easy adoption of long-term habits. Strategies like understanding your motivation style (e.g., external motivation), starting with very small durations (e.g., one minute), and practicing in a group can significantly help.
In the Buddhist view, it is not a fixed 'self' or 'soul' that gets reborn, but rather a 'mind stream' or 'karmic stream.' This stream carries the accumulated impact of one's actions and experiences, influencing future existences.
13 Actionable Insights
1. Recollect Daily Impermanence
Daily recollect the Five Remembrances (aging, sickness, death, separation from beloved, heir of karma) to come to terms with life’s truths, enhancing capacity for love and appreciation.
2. Care, Don’t Attach
Learn to care deeply about high-stakes situations while simultaneously understanding their impermanence, allowing for non-attachment without indifference.
3. Feel Emotions, Drop Story
When facing pain or difficult emotions, prioritize feeling the raw emotions (grief, upset, sadness) without getting lost in comparative stories or judgments; focus on the raw feeling, not the narrative.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Engage in self-compassion by practicing mindfulness (awareness without judgment), recognizing common humanity in suffering, showing self-kindness, and extending compassion to systemic challenges.
5. Use External Motivation
If you are externally motivated, create external accountability or community structures (e.g., classes, workout partners, group sits) to help establish and maintain habits like meditation.
6. Start Small for Habits
To overcome habit formation challenges, start with very small commitments (e.g., one or two minutes of practice) and be flexible with your approach, as humans are wired for short-term wins.
7. Cultivate ‘Okayness’
Practice radical acceptance or ‘okayness’ with whatever is happening, including uncomfortable states like sleepiness or physical pain, as a form of non-attachment that can be applied to other life aspects.
8. Release ‘Should Be’
Let go of the idea that things ‘should be’ a particular way, both internally and externally, to avoid contention with reality and practice non-attachment.
9. Ground in the Body
Rest your attention on the body, feeling whatever is in contact with the earth or surface beneath you, to gather and center your awareness.
10. Gladden Mind for Meditation
Before meditating, bring to mind something or someone that makes you genuinely smile or happy, like a funny memory or video, to tend to your attitude.
11. Question Busy Mind
When your mind is particularly busy during meditation, ask yourself ‘What’s happening right now?’ and ‘Can I be with this? Can I allow this?’ to ground awareness.
12. Habit Struggle is Normal
Before self-criticism, acknowledge that struggling with habit formation is normal and not your fault, as humans are not naturally wired for easy habit adoption.
13. Appreciate Your Practice
Take a moment to appreciate yourself for showing up and making time for practice, cultivating more spacious awareness in your life and carrying that out into the world.
6 Key Quotes
recognizing and understanding impermanence even for just he says the snap of a finger, it's more important than generosity, it's more important than the refuges, than meta, than the precept.
Sebene Selassie
learning to care and not to care simultaneously
Joseph Goldstein (quoting T.S. Elliott)
joy and pain like sunshine and rain
Rob Bay
everything changes
Zen master
feel your feelings, drop the story
Pema Chödrön (quoted by Sebene Selassie)
What's happening right now? Can I allow this?
Sebene Selassie
2 Protocols
Gladdening the Mind Meditation
Sebene Selassie- Find a comfortable posture (sitting, standing, or lying down) and settle in.
- Take a couple of deep breaths in and out.
- Bring to mind something, someone, or some place that makes you smile unconditionally, sticking with one image or memory.
- With that gladdening, get even more comfortable in your posture.
- Rest attention on the body, feeling contact with the earth or surface beneath you, noticing differences between right and left sides.
- Open awareness to other sensations present (vibration, tingling, pulsing, heat, cool, air on skin).
- Allow your experience, creating space for both pleasant and unpleasant sensations without judgment.
- If anything is particularly painful, shift or move for ease, but also notice what you can be with.
- If thoughts arise, acknowledge them as part of awareness and allow them, returning to the body as an anchor.
- Ask yourself: 'What's happening right now?' and 'Can I allow this?'
Self-Compassion Practice (Kristin Neff's 3 Steps + Sebene's 4th)
Sebene Selassie- Mindfulness: Be aware of what's coming up for you without judgment.
- Common Humanity: Recognize that suffering is a shared human condition, and you are not alone in your experience.
- Self-Kindness: Be kind and caring towards yourself with whatever emotions or challenges are arising.
- System Stink (Sebene's addition): Extend that self-compassion to the external context and systemic challenges you are facing.