Secrets from the Happiness Lab | Laurie Santos
Professor Laurie Santos, a Yale happiness expert and host of The Happiness Lab, shares science-based strategies for navigating difficult times. She discusses handling pandemic holidays, tough family conversations, combating fatigue, and cultivating JOMO and time affluence.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to Laurie Santos and Yale's Happiness Course
Prevalence of Mental Health Issues Among College Students
Misconceptions About What Makes People Happy
Laurie Santos's Personal Transformation from Teaching Happiness
Grieving Holiday Traditions and Embracing the Current Reality
Importance of Healthy Habits During Difficult Times
Navigating COVID-19 Norm Differences with Family
Deep Canvassing for Bridging Belief Divides
Understanding Our Own Biases and Motivated Reasoning
Combating Pandemic Fatigue and Finding Hope
The Science-Backed Benefits of Gratitude
Embracing JOMO and Time Affluence
Strategies for Managing Time and 'Time Confetti'
Mindful Approaches to Social Connection
6 Key Concepts
Motivated Reasoning
This is the tendency for people to interpret facts differently based on their existing motivations or beliefs, even when presented with the exact same information. This phenomenon occurs on both sides of a divide and can lead to entrenched viewpoints, making it difficult to find common ground.
Deep Canvassing
A political process that involves engaging people in narrative storytelling about their personal experiences (e.g., a time they were scared for family) before connecting those feelings to the issue at hand. This approach aims to soften extreme viewpoints by finding shared human connection and feelings, rather than lecturing.
Time Affluence
This refers to the subjective sense of having sufficient free time, which is distinct from the objective amount of free time one possesses. Research indicates that feeling time-famished can negatively impact well-being as much as unemployment, while cultivating a subjective sense of time affluence can significantly boost happiness.
Time Confetti
These are small, broken-up pieces of free time (e.g., five minutes before a Zoom call, ten minutes after a child falls asleep) that often go unused productively. The concept suggests intentionally planning activities for these small pockets to make them more valuable and contribute to a subjective sense of time affluence.
JOMO (Joy of Missing Out)
The opposite of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), JOMO is the positive feeling derived from intentionally or unintentionally missing out on activities. This often leads to more free time and the ability to be present for things that truly matter, which can be particularly beneficial when forced to reduce commitments.
Negativity Bias
An inherent human tendency, observed even in babies as young as three to six months, to notice and prioritize bad actors or negative events over good ones. This built-in bias makes it natural for us to focus on what's going wrong or what we're missing out on.
8 Questions Answered
Many college students are focused on external achievements like grades and perfect jobs, often at the cost of essential well-being factors like social connections, sleep, and being present, leading to increased depression and anxiety.
People often believe that changing external circumstances, such as achieving perfect grades, getting a dream job, or finding a perfect relationship, will make them happy, but scientific data suggests these factors often don't significantly impact well-being for most people.
It's important to first allow time to grieve the loss of normal traditions and acknowledge how difficult the year has been, rather than rushing to normalize. Then, double down on healthy habits like sleep and exercise, and be intentional about scheduling self-care.
When discussing COVID-19 norms, use 'I language' to express your feelings and concerns (e.g., 'I am worried about your health') and emphasize that your decisions stem from love and care. The data suggests people often react better than expected, especially if you also suggest an alternative plan.
While empathy is generally beneficial for well-being and societal connection, it's reasonable for marginalized groups to decline engaging with views that deny their humanity. For those with more privilege, deep canvassing can be a technique to bridge divides by finding shared human experiences and feelings.
Remind yourself of the severe impact of the virus by reading accounts from frontline workers like ICU nurses, and harness the hope provided by scientific advancements like effective vaccines, viewing current sacrifices as temporary steps towards a return to normalcy.
Gratitude significantly increases well-being and life satisfaction, even with a simple practice of listing a few things you're grateful for over two weeks. It also acts as a pro-social emotion, motivating kindness and strengthening social connections, and can boost willpower for healthier choices.
Create a 'time confetti wish list' of productive or enjoyable activities (like a short meditation, texting a friend, or watching a quality show) to engage in during these brief moments, rather than defaulting to low-startup-cost, often unfulfilling activities like checking email or social media.
25 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Forgiveness Practice
Drop personal anger over past harms, even if the act is not justified or the person is shunned, because holding onto anger is counterproductive and harms your own well-being, leading to psychological and physical benefits.
2. Double Down on Healthy Habits
Prioritize fundamental healthy habits like sleep, exercise, and mindful eating, especially during stressful times, as they significantly impact mental health and can be as effective as some anti-depression medications.
3. Practice Daily Gratitude
Regularly list three to five things you are grateful for, as this simple practice can significantly improve life satisfaction, boost willpower, and foster pro-social emotions, making you more likely to connect with others and make healthier choices.
4. Utilize “Time Confetti” Wisely
Make a wish list of short, productive activities (e.g., a 5-minute meditation, texting a friend) to use small, unexpected pockets of free time, rather than defaulting to low-value activities like checking email or social media, to enhance well-being and feel more accomplished.
5. Reframe Time-Saving Purchases
Consciously acknowledge and appreciate the time saved by conveniences (e.g., takeout, cleaning services) by framing them as hours gained, which can create a subjective sense of time affluence and reduce feelings of being time-famished.
6. Be Mindful of Social Nutrition
Actively pay attention to which social connections and interactions genuinely energize and uplift you, rather than just being easy or habitual, and then intentionally build more of those ’nutritious’ interactions into your life.
7. Recognize and Allow Grieving
Take time to acknowledge and process feelings of sadness, anger, or frustration about difficult circumstances or missed traditions, rather than rushing to normalize or deny them, as this allows for healthy emotional processing.
8. Employ Deep Canvassing Technique
For conversations across significant belief differences, start by asking the other person to share a personal narrative about a time they experienced fear or worry, then connect your own concerns to those shared feelings to foster empathy and soften their stance.
9. Use “I” Language for Hard Talks
When discussing sensitive topics, especially with family, frame your concerns using ‘I’ statements (e.g., ‘I am worried,’ ‘I feel concerned’) to express your feelings and motivations, rather than lecturing or telling others what they should do, which fosters better reception.
10. Frame Decisions with Compassion
Explain difficult decisions, such as canceling holiday plans, by emphasizing compassion, care, and concern for the health and safety of others, as this motive is often universally understood and respected.
11. Suggest Concrete Alternatives
When delivering bad news or canceling plans, always offer a specific alternative, such as a ‘rain check’ for a future in-person visit or a virtual gathering, to maintain connection and soften the impact.
12. Engage in RAIN Meditation
Use the RAIN (Recognize, Accept/Allow, Investigate, Nurture/Non-identification) meditation technique to process difficult emotions like frustration and sadness, allowing you to be present with them without being overwhelmed.
13. Communicate COVID Norms Early
Initiate conversations about COVID-related boundaries and expectations with family members well in advance of gatherings, as people generally react better to early communication than last-minute cancellations.
14. Step Up as an Ally
If you are not part of a marginalized group, take on the challenging work of bridging political or social divides through empathetic conversation, recognizing that this exhausting labor should not disproportionately fall on those most harmed by extreme views.
15. Cultivate “Don’t-Know Mind”
Embrace a ‘beginner’s mind’ or ‘don’t-know mind’ when encountering diverse viewpoints, allowing for openness and the possibility of shifting your perspective on current events, while remaining grounded in core values.
16. Focus on Common Humanity
Actively seek to recognize shared core values and common humanity with others, even those with differing views, as fostering this connection contributes to personal well-being and societal hope.
17. Practice “Love No Matter What”
Adopt the mantra ’love no matter what’ as an aspirational practice to see the good in others, even amidst disagreements, which can relieve the personal burden of anger and hatred.
18. Remind Self of COVID Risks
Combat pandemic fatigue by regularly reminding yourself of the severe realities and human cost of COVID-19, potentially by reading accounts from frontline healthcare workers, to reinforce the importance of vigilance.
19. Harness Hope for Future
Maintain motivation and adherence to safety protocols by focusing on ‘glimmers of hope,’ such as vaccine developments, and the prospect of a return to more normal circumstances in the near future.
20. Start Meditation with a Friend
Initiate a meditation habit by doing it alongside a friend or family member, which can provide support and shared motivation.
21. Explore Science of Wellbeing Course
Take the free online course ‘The Science of Wellbeing’ on Coursera.org to learn evidence-based practices for improving mental health and happiness.
22. Listen to Happiness Lab Podcast
Tune into ‘The Happiness Lab’ podcast for science-based strategies on navigating difficult times and improving well-being.
23. Follow Laurie Santos on Twitter
Engage with Laurie Santos on Twitter (@Laurie_Santos) for insights, balancing ‘doom posting’ with ‘hope posting’ for a beneficial experience.
24. Participate in New Year’s Series
Submit questions or reflections via voicemail (646-883-8326 by Dec 7) to be answered during the 10% Happier podcast’s New Year’s series on self-love and operationalizing happiness.
25. Try Dan Harris Meditation App
Download the new ‘10% with Dan Harris’ app for a library of guided meditations, live community sessions, and ad-free podcast episodes, with a 14-day trial available.
9 Key Quotes
Our minds are lying to us about what makes us happy.
Laurie Santos
The data suggests that, you know, for most people, switching your circumstances doesn't matter.
Laurie Santos
We often engage in a rush to normal without sort of taking stock of what has happened to us.
Dan Harris
For every hour you miss of sleep, you're jumping up significantly your potential increases for things like depression and anxiety.
Laurie Santos
It's about love. It's about the fact that you feel connected. And then the data suggests you want to suggest an alternative.
Laurie Santos
We don't owe anyone empathy, especially if they have such extreme views, you know, that they wouldn't even endorse our own humanity.
Laurie Santos
Hatred, anger, it just feels bad.
Dan Harris
Forgiveness, it's important to recognize. It doesn't mean justifying an act. In most cases, it doesn't even mean being nice to that person or engaging with them ever again.
Laurie Santos
It's not the objective amount of free time you have. It's just the subjective sense that you have some time.
Laurie Santos
3 Protocols
RAIN Meditation
Laurie Santos (referencing Tara Brock and Michelle McDonald)- Recognize: Acknowledge the feeling or thought that is present.
- Accept or Allow: Permit the feeling or thought to be there without judgment.
- Investigate: Explore the sensations, emotions, and thoughts associated with it.
- Non-identification or Nurturing: Detach from the feeling or offer self-compassion.
Deep Canvassing for Difficult Conversations
Laurie Santos (referencing Josh Kala)- Ask the person to tell a narrative story about a time they experienced a strong emotion (e.g., fear for a family member).
- Connect your own feelings or concerns about the current issue (e.g., COVID-19) to their shared emotional experience.
- Explain your proposed actions or beliefs based on this shared connection, emphasizing compassion and care.
- Suggest an alternative or a 'rain check' if current plans need to be canceled.
Time Confetti Wish List
Laurie Santos (referencing Ashley Willans)- Identify small, fragmented pockets of free time ('time confetti') throughout your day.
- Create a literal list of productive or enjoyable activities that can be done in these short bursts (e.g., a 5-minute meditation, texting a friend, watching a desired show).
- When a 'time confetti' moment appears, consult your wish list instead of defaulting to low-startup-cost, often unfulfilling activities like checking email or social media.