Sharon Salzberg On: Openness, Not Believing the Stories You Tell Yourself, and Why the Most Powerful Tools Often Seem Stupid at First
Sharon Salzberg, co-founder of Insight Meditation Society, discusses moving from constriction to openness, emphasizing self-compassion, a growth mindset, and healthy pride. She shares how meditation aided her through a harrowing medical odyssey and the "JewBu" phenomenon.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Introduction to Sharon Salzberg and Episode Themes
Defining Openness Versus Constriction
Understanding Useful and Unhealthy Shame
Self-Compassion as a Powerful Tool for Change
Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset
Practical Techniques for Cultivating Openness: Handshake Practice
Practical Techniques for Cultivating Openness: Gratitude and 'Yes And'
Healthy Pride and Barbara Fredrickson's Broaden and Build Theory
Zainab Salbi's Seven Rules for a Happy Day
The 'JewBu' Phenomenon: Jewish Boomers and Meditation
The Non-Linear Nature of the Spiritual Journey
Sharon's Harrowing Medical Experience and Meditation's Role
Compassion as 'Being With' Rather Than 'Fixing'
7 Key Concepts
Openness (Expansion)
A state of being able to breathe freely, see options, feel creative, and not feel trapped. It's characterized by awareness of one's mental states without getting caught up in them, and a sense of connection to others or the world.
Constriction
A state of feeling trapped, overwhelmed by fear, and unable to see a way out, often driven by the stories one tells oneself about a situation. It's the opposite of openness, where one feels shut down and isolated.
Useful Shame (Conscience)
A specific feeling of pain or remorse tied to a particular action (or inaction) that was wrong, hurtful, or harmful. It's a conscience-driven feeling that motivates one to avoid repeating the harmful behavior, distinct from global self-condemnation.
Unhealthy Shame
A global, lacerating self-hatred that manifests as 'I am a mess and always will be,' 'things could never change,' or 'this is who I really am.' This type of shame is not useful for learning or change, as 'the brain filled with shame cannot learn.'
Fixed Mindset
The belief that one's inherent traits, emotions, or character flaws are unalterable 'factory settings' or an 'irredeemable character flow.' This mindset sees personal attributes as permanent and unchangeable.
Growth Mindset
The belief that the brain, mind, and body are trainable and that change is always possible. This mindset views painful habits or challenges as lessons to be learned and opportunities for growth, rather than fixed character traits.
Broaden and Build Theory
Barbara Fredrickson's psychological theory stating that cultivating positive emotional states (like loving kindness or gratitude) serves two functions: it broadens one's perspective, counteracting the narrowing effect of fear, and it builds inner resources, preventing feelings of depletion and deficiency.
9 Questions Answered
Useful shame, akin to conscience or remorse, is specific to an action and motivates change, while unhealthy shame is a global, self-lacerating condemnation that hinders learning and growth.
Self-compassion, though it may seem like 'laziness' or 'giving in,' is a highly effective tool for learning and making behavioral changes because it involves holding oneself accountable with kindness, similar to how one would treat a friend or child, rather than through self-laceration.
A fixed mindset views challenges or negative traits as unalterable character flaws, while a growth mindset sees them as painful habits or lessons that can be changed and improved through learning and effort, recognizing the brain's capacity for training.
One can relate to difficult states by adopting a mindful approach, avoiding both getting lost in them and trying to push them away. Techniques like 'handshake practice' involve 'hanging out' with the state as an adult, bringing perspective and wisdom, recognizing it as a changing condition rather than one's essential self.
Gratitude is powerful because it provides energy and resources, counteracting feelings of depletion and despondency, which in turn can motivate individuals to seek change or help others. It's an energizing quality that doesn't lead to complacency but rather to a desire to 'pay it forward.'
Barbara Fredrickson's theory suggests that cultivating positive states like loving kindness or gratitude not only makes us feel good but also broadens our perspective, allowing us to see more options and connections, and builds our inner resources, making us more resilient in the face of adversity.
Many Jewish youth of that era found their traditional religious education to be ceremonial and lacking in depth, particularly regarding personal spiritual liberation or the idea that one could solve their own spiritual problems, a concept central to Buddhism. This, combined with societal dissatisfaction, the Vietnam War, and cultural influences, led them to seek deeper, more direct spiritual practices.
Meditation provides a set of tools that, when cultivated in ordinary times, become accessible and effective during extreme crises. It helps one 'sit with the feelings,' 'handshake' with difficult states, and maintain a sense of connection and non-abandonment, allowing for a different, more resilient way of moving through and recovering from trauma.
True compassion is not about 'fixing' a person or situation from a hierarchical stance, but rather about 'being with' them in their suffering, fostering a sense of shared humanity and connection. It involves an openness to the situation without the need to be a 'savior,' recognizing that both the person suffering and the compassionate individual are equal in the moment.
50 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Possibility of Change
Understand and internalize that your brain, mind, and body are trainable, and change is always possible, as nothing is truly fixed, which is a core tenet of a growth mindset.
2. Practice Self-Compassion for Learning
Engage in self-compassion as a powerful tool for learning from mistakes, making behavioral changes, and developing new habits, despite initial skepticism.
3. Practice Consistent Meditation
Establish a consistent meditation practice during ordinary, easy, or ‘boring’ times, so that the tools are readily available and strong when you inevitably face a crisis.
4. Adopt a Growth Mindset
When facing difficulties, view them as painful habits or opportunities for learning, asking what lessons can be learned and seeking support, rather than seeing them as fixed character traits.
5. Avoid Investing in Negative Self-Stories
Do not dive into and take to heart the stories you tell yourself about being trapped or defined by current difficulties, as the problem isn’t the arising of these thoughts but getting consumed by them.
6. Practice Mindfulness for Balance
Use mindfulness to find a middle ground between being consumed by difficult emotions and trying to push them away, allowing you to connect with these states differently.
7. Handshake with Difficult Emotions
Treat difficult emotions as ‘beautiful monsters’ and engage in ‘handshake practice’ by hanging out with them as a companion, approaching them as an adult with perspective, recognizing their impermanence, and understanding they are not your essential self.
8. Cultivate Openness in Adversity
Focus on developing an inner posture of openness, presence, balance, and kindness when facing difficult situations, noting that the ability to recover these states will improve over time.
9. Expand Your Window of Tolerance
Actively work to broaden your capacity to experience and process difficult emotions and sensations without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down.
10. Redefine Compassion as ‘Being With’
Understand that true compassion involves being present with someone’s pain and observing what emerges, rather than feeling the need to fix the person or situation, which can be a form of narrowness.
11. Cultivate Healthy Pride
Strive for a life free of excessive secrets, deception, and moral complexity, as living ethically fosters self-respect and allows you to rest on the dignity of your efforts, rather than being burdened by guilt or fear of judgment.
12. Practice Gratitude for Energy
Engage in gratitude practices not as a means of self-satisfaction, but to gain energy, feel resourced, and inspire a desire to help others and seek positive change.
13. Implement Daily Routines for Balance
Establish specific daily practices to maintain balance and replenish inner resources, which is essential for sustaining long-term work and avoiding burnout.
14. Seek Connection to Others
Foster connections or love of any kind with others (e.g., a neighbor) to reduce feelings of isolation and expand your sense of self.
15. Be Willing to Sit with Suffering
Cultivate the courage and openness to be present with someone else’s suffering without fear, even when there’s nothing you can do to fix it.
16. Cultivate Wise Remorse
Allow yourself to feel the pain of specific actions or inactions that were wrong or harmful, as this remorse is crucial for learning and determining not to repeat those behaviors.
17. Hold Yourself Accountable Kindly
When you make mistakes, hold yourself accountable with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend or child, rather than resorting to self-laceration.
18. Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Do not ignore or pretend that painful or constricting habits don’t exist in an attempt to be ‘positive,’ as this approach is ineffective for genuine growth.
19. Do Not Abolish Difficult States
Recognize that trying to destroy, push away, or deny difficult emotions like fear, jealousy, or shame is not an effective strategy.
20. Create Space for Intense Emotions
When experiencing intense emotions, cultivate a sense of inner spaciousness rather than constriction, allowing the energy to move through without becoming jumbled or overwhelming.
21. Discover Personal Methods for Space
Experiment with activities like walking, being in nature, practicing loving-kindness, or listening to music to find what personally helps you create inner space for intense emotions to pass through.
22. Dwell in Awareness
Practice dwelling in awareness of your thoughts and feelings, rather than getting consumed by the emotional state itself (like fear), to maintain perspective and feel more expansive.
23. Adopt Adult Perspective on Fear
When fear arises, remind yourself that you are an adult and it’s not a question of survival, allowing you to hold the fear in a different perspective and let it pass.
24. Ground in Present During Panic
During moments of panic, bring your awareness to the immediate present, recognizing that much of the distress is a projection rather than an immediate problem.
25. Turn to Meditation During Low Moods
When experiencing strong negative emotions like depression, make an effort to engage in meditation, even if it’s not your first impulse, as it can be a powerful tool.
26. Reframe Panic as Energy Imbalance
View panic not as inherently bad, but as a high-energy state lacking tranquility, prompting you to seek ways to restore balance.
27. Invite Inner Critic to Dinner
Acknowledge your inner critic without letting it control you, trusting that your awareness is big enough to handle it without being overwhelmed.
28. Identify as the Sky, Not Cloud
When thoughts and feelings arise, perceive yourself as the vast, unchanging sky through which they pass, rather than identifying with the transient ‘gloomy looking cloud’.
29. Keep a Daily Gratitude List
At the end of each day, write down three specific things you are grateful for to foster an energizing and resourced mindset.
30. Find a Gratitude Buddy
Partner with someone to regularly share things you are grateful for (e.g., daily texts) to reinforce the practice and build community.
31. Practice ‘Yes, And’ to Reframe
Adopt the improv principle of ‘Yes, And’ by acknowledging what is present in a situation (even if you don’t agree) and then building upon it, rather than tearing it down, to reframe your perspective.
32. Focus on Positive Amidst Negativity
In challenging situations (e.g., family gatherings), intentionally acknowledge and appreciate the positive elements even when surrounded by negative ones.
33. Maintain ‘Nickel to Pride Portfolio’
Intentionally counteract the negativity bias by actively remembering and delighting in your good qualities, efforts, and positive experiences, rather than solely fixating on mistakes or regrets.
34. Cultivate Positive States to Broaden
Practice positive states like loving-kindness, equanimity, and gratitude to broaden your perspective (counteracting narrowness from fear) and build inner resources, making you feel less depleted.
35. Drink Water, Connect with Nature
Incorporate simple habits like drinking water and taking a moment to appreciate nature (even just a tree) into your daily routine.
36. Prioritize Daily Rest
Consciously schedule and commit to periods of rest, especially if you have a tendency to be a ’night owl’ or overwork, to maintain balance.
37. Include Formal Sitting Meditation
For those who, like Sharon, find informal mindfulness insufficient, ensure you include a period of formal sitting meditation each day to maintain consistency and depth.
38. Integrate Healthy Habits
Make an effort to eat healthy, engage in artistic activities (e.g., playing an instrument), and connect with family and friends regularly.
39. Make ‘Appointment with Heart’
Regularly check in with your deepest values, perhaps through practices like loving-kindness meditation for yourself or others, or by reflecting on acts of compassion you’ve witnessed or experienced.
40. Embrace Personal Responsibility
Understand that you have the capacity to solve your own problems of confusion and unhappiness, rather than relying solely on past figures or external authority.
41. Claim Your Own Spirituality
Actively seek and engage in spiritual practices that empower your personal liberation and inner transformation.
42. Allow Struggles to Increase Empathy
Recognize that your own difficult experiences, like panic, can sensitize you to the suffering of others, fostering greater empathy.
43. Release the Need to Be Savior
Let go of the narrow mindset of needing to fix others’ problems or be their savior, and instead approach shared suffering with a sense of equal presence and collaborative exploration.
44. Avoid Hiding Your Suffering
Do not narrow your perspective by hiding your own suffering or vulnerability out of shame, believing no one can tolerate it, as this prevents genuine connection.
45. Recognize Shame Hinders Learning
Understand that a mind consumed by unhealthy shame is unable to learn or make positive behavioral changes.
46. Do Not Stew in Self-Hatred
Recognize that prolonged self-hatred and stewing are not effective strategies for making behavioral changes or getting more free.
47. Avoid Wholesale Self-Denigration
Refrain from global condemnation and lacerating self-hatred (‘I am a mess, I always will be’), as this type of shame is not useful for growth or change.
48. Take Pride in Uncluttered Mind
Recognize and appreciate the clarity and power of your mind when it is not cluttered with ethical complexities and deceptions.
49. Adjust Expectations for Mindfulness
Accept that maintaining constant mindfulness or retreat-level concentration in daily life is unrealistic; instead, focus on improving your recovery time and self-treatment during lapses.
50. Practice Mindfulness and Compassion
Engage in mindfulness (being aware without getting caught up) and compassion (feeling connected to others) to foster openness and expansion.
6 Key Quotes
If you truly loved yourself, you'd never harm another.
The Buddha (as quoted by Sharon Salzberg)
The brain filled with shame cannot learn.
Psychologists (as quoted by Sharon Salzberg)
Self-compassion seems like one of the stupidest things ever, right? Right? Amen. And yet... And yet, it seems to be perhaps the most powerful tool for actually learning and making a change and developing a new habit.
Sharon Salzberg and Dan Harris
The Buddha's enlightenment solved the Buddha's problem, nay you solve yours.
Menindra (Sharon Salzberg's teacher)
No journey is exclusively linear.
Sharon Salzberg
I'm a Buddhist. I'm not afraid of sitting with someone in suffering.
Sharon Salzberg
2 Protocols
Zainab Salbi's Seven Rules for a Happy Day
Zainab Salbi (recounted by Sharon Salzberg)- Drink water.
- Be in nature (even just seeing a tree).
- Rest.
- Meditate every day (even if it's walking or washing dishes).
- Eat healthy food.
- Do something with the arts (e.g., playing piano).
- Connect with family and friends.
- Make an appointment with your heart (check in with your most cherished value, e.g., compassion).
Gratitude Practice
Sharon Salzberg- By the end of the day, write down three things you are grateful for.