Sharon Salzberg, 'Real Love'
Sharon Salzberg, renowned meditation teacher and best-selling author, discusses her book "Real Love: The Art of Mindful Connection," redefining love as a trainable capacity. She explains how loving kindness meditation can cultivate connection, self-compassion, and resilience, even amidst political polarization and competition.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Sharon Salzberg and 'Real Love'
Redefining Love as an Inner Capacity, Not a Commodity
Defining Loving Kindness (Metta) as Profound Connection
The Trainability of Love and Compassion
Love's Broader Manifestations Beyond Romantic or Parental
Generating Love Through Meditation Practice
Distinction Between Mindfulness and Loving Kindness Meditation
Assessing the Effectiveness of Loving Kindness Meditation
Love as a Power and Force for Sustained Change
Redeeming the Word 'Love' from Platitudes
Cultivating Love for Difficult People
Addressing Sympathetic Joy (Mudita) in Competitive Environments
Love in the Age of Political Polarization
Structure and Themes of the Book 'Real Love'
Self-Compassion: Building Inner Resource, Not Selfishness
Scientific Benefits of Loving Kindness Meditation
6 Key Concepts
Love as a Capacity
This concept redefines love as an inherent ability or potential within oneself, rather than a commodity or package dependent on external sources or feelings. It emphasizes that love is internal and can be awakened or threatened by situations, but ultimately belongs to the individual.
Loving Kindness (Metta)
Metta, an ancient Pali word, refers to a profound sense of connection and complete presence. It's not necessarily an emotion, but a trainable skill based on paying attention differently, fostering openness and interest by clearing away assumptions and distortions.
Mindfulness Meditation
This practice allows individuals to discern between their direct experience and the narrative they construct around it. It provides a choice to either engage with or release that story, helping to reduce fragmentation and increase presence.
Loving Kindness Meditation
Distinct from mindfulness, this technique aims to change one's default internal narrative. If the usual story is one of unworthiness or fear, this practice helps dissolve rigid self-other distinctions, fostering a deeper sense of interconnection over time.
Broaden and Build Theory
Developed by Barbara Fredrickson, this theory posits that cultivating positive states like compassion broadens one's perspective, leading to expansiveness and openness. This broadening then helps to build inner resources, fostering a sense of wherewithal and resilience.
Mudita (Sympathetic Joy)
Mudita is the practice of taking pleasure in the successes or happiness of others. It is often considered challenging because people tend to view happiness as a limited commodity, leading to feelings of resentment or comparison, rather than shared joy.
9 Questions Answered
Real Love is about redefining love as a capacity or ability within oneself, rather than a commodity dependent on external sources or a specific emotional feeling.
It's a practice focused on cultivating a profound sense of connection and presence, using specific phrases to wish well to oneself and others, thereby changing one's default narrative towards connection.
Yes, from the perspective of Buddhist psychology, love and compassion can be trained because attention can be trained, and a sense of connection is based on paying attention differently.
Instead of looking for breakthroughs during formal practice, one should observe changes in daily life, such as being more resilient, calmer with oneself after mistakes, or having improved relationships with family, friends, and colleagues.
It involves first cultivating self-compassion, understanding that loving kindness doesn't dictate specific actions but reforges motivation, and using active imagination (e.g., picturing them as an infant or imagining them dying) to find a sense of connection.
It requires examining assumptions that happiness is a limited commodity and recognizing that individual success doesn't diminish others' potential for happiness, fostering a sense of compassion for oneself to avoid endless comparison.
It involves finding a different kind of balance, monitoring input (e.g., social media), and taking loving action, such as registering people to vote, rather than just being upset.
Cultivating self-love broadens one's perspective and builds inner resources, making one more capable of giving and caring for others, similar to putting on one's own oxygen mask first on an airplane.
Studies suggest benefits in self-efficacy, undermining bias, increasing self-confidence and belonging, improving vagal tone, and leading to more acts of generosity.
22 Actionable Insights
1. Train Love as a Skill
Recognize that qualities like love, compassion, and patience are not fixed “factory settings” but are trainable abilities, and actively work on cultivating them through practice.
2. Practice Loving Kindness Meditation
Engage in Metta meditation by choosing specific phrases (e.g., “May you be happy, may you be peaceful”) and using them as a centering point to wish well to yourself and others, fostering connection and generosity of spirit.
3. Cultivate Self-Compassion in Error
When your mind wanders during meditation or you make a mistake in life, respond with self-compassion by acknowledging the error and choosing to “start over” rather than engaging in self-judgment.
4. Prioritize Self-Care for Others
Understand that cultivating self-love and self-compassion is crucial for building inner resources, enabling you to better help and care for others, similar to putting on your own oxygen mask first.
5. View Love as Internal Capacity
Shift your perception of love from an external commodity or feeling dependent on others to an inherent capacity or ability within yourself that can be awakened and cultivated.
6. Train Attention for Connection
Practice training your attention to be fully present, open, and free from assumptions and mental filters when interacting with others, as this focused and beneficent attention is the basis of a loving response.
7. Build Inner Resources for Capacity
Cultivate positive states like compassion and gratitude to broaden your perspective and build inner resources, which enhances your ability to engage with and support others without feeling overwhelmed.
8. Daily Loving Kindness Practice
Practice loving kindness meditation for at least seven minutes daily, as scientific studies suggest this duration can lead to beneficial neurological changes in the brain.
9. Assess Metta’s Real-Life Impact
To gauge the effectiveness of loving kindness meditation, observe changes in your daily life, relationships, resilience, and general demeanor rather than solely focusing on breakthrough experiences during formal practice.
10. Begin Meditation with Universal Wish
Start each meditation session by silently wishing “May all beings be free from suffering” to foster a sense of spaciousness and connection to something larger than oneself.
11. Self-Compassion Before Difficult People
When dealing with someone who has harmed you or is difficult, prioritize cultivating compassion for yourself first, recognizing that loving kindness for them does not mean compromising your boundaries.
12. Reforge Motivation, Not Action
Understand that cultivating loving kindness for difficult people reforges your motivation for action, allowing for discernment and potentially “fierce compassion” or “tough love” rather than dictating a soft response.
13. Imagine Difficult People Vulnerable
To foster connection with difficult individuals, use active imagination by picturing them in vulnerable states, such as being an infant or contemplating their mortality, to see their shared humanity.
14. Examine Sympathetic Joy Obstacles
When struggling with sympathetic joy (taking pleasure in others’ happiness), examine underlying assumptions, particularly the belief that happiness or success is a limited commodity.
15. Question Relentless Comparison
Challenge the endless nature of comparison to others’ achievements, and out of self-compassion, question if existing successes are “enough” rather than constantly seeking more.
16. End Comparison Mind State
Recognize the mind state of comparison when it arises and consciously decide not to engage with it, as this process only ends when you choose to disengage.
17. Stop Belittling in Polarization
In politically polarized situations, actively work to stop the basic sense of “otherness” and belittling of those with differing views, starting with your own behavior.
18. Monitor Input for Balance
Actively monitor and manage your consumption of news and social media (e.g., Twitter, Facebook) to maintain balance and prevent being overwhelmed by strong political feelings.
19. Channel Political Feelings to Action
When experiencing strong political feelings like outrage or anguish, channel them into constructive, “loving action” such as voter registration, rather than just being upset or engaging in unproductive online activity.
20. Broaden Self-Perception
Actively shift your attention from fixating on perceived flaws or past mistakes to a broader, more inclusive understanding of who you are.
21. Clear Mental Filters
Consciously work to clear away filters and assumptions about others (e.g., “I know all about that person,” “that kind of person is not my kind of person”) to foster openness and genuine connection.
22. Test Practice by Temporary Cessation
To experimentally gauge the impact of a meditation practice, consider stopping it for approximately six weeks to observe any changes in your attitude or behavior.
6 Key Quotes
I think people do things motivated by love, certainly more strongly sometimes, and more successfully, than when motivated by hate.
Sharon Salzberg
I think love is actually the force that keeps us going.
Sharon Salzberg
We don't practice to become great meditators. We practice to have a different kind of life.
Sharon Salzberg
Mindfulness meditation allows us to see the difference between our direct experience and the story we weave around it. And then we have a choice. Do I want to go forth with that story or do I want to let it go? Whereas loving kindness meditation will change our default story.
Sharon Salzberg
Nobody who's dying says, I'm so glad that I sold that many books or whatever, unless it's in the context of I touch that many people. I'm so glad my work, my life had some meaning for others, but not in the sense of like, look what I racked up, you know?
Sharon Salzberg
If you're on the airplane and the oxygen mask descend, put your own on first.
Sharon Salzberg
2 Protocols
General Loving Kindness Meditation Practice
Sharon Salzberg- Recognize that attention is scattered and practice gathering it repeatedly, responding to mind-wandering with self-compassion rather than judgment.
- Cultivate an open and interested quality of attention, clearing away assumptions and distortions about oneself and others.
- Choose specific phrases (e.g., 'May you be happy, may you be peaceful') as a centering point for awareness.
- Use these phrases as a conduit to pay attention differently, offering well-wishes and a generosity of spirit to oneself and others.
Cultivating Love for Difficult People
Sharon Salzberg- First, check the degree of loving kindness for yourself, ensuring it's not about giving up or giving in.
- Understand that generating loving kindness doesn't dictate specific actions but reforges the motivation for action; sometimes, a 'tough love' or 'fierce compassion' approach is appropriate.
- Use active imagination: imagine the difficult person as an infant, helpless and subject to others' actions, or imagine them dying to realize the impermanence of grudges and attachments.
- Seek some kind of sense of connection, rather than expecting engulfing waves of feeling, by recognizing that our lives are tied together.