Sharon Salzberg Takes on the Cliches: Authenticity, Love, and Being Your Own BFF
Sharon Salzberg, co-founder of the Insight Meditation Society and author, discusses operationalizing concepts like authenticity and self-love. She explores kindness, vulnerability, and the Buddhist notion of emptiness, offering practical ways to deepen one's practice.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to Authenticity and Personal Growth Cliches
Defining 'Authentic Life' Beyond Cliche
Authenticity, Connection, and Intentional Kindness
The Concept of 'Looking At' Versus 'Looking Through' People
Shame, Self-Laceration, and the 'Good-ish' Perspective
Meditation as Getting Familiar with Innate Qualities
Love and Connection as Emergent Properties of Attention
The Role of Self-Love and Being Your Own Best Friend
Reconciling Self-Love with the Buddhist Concept of Emptiness
Understanding Emptiness: Not Hollow, But Interconnected
Distinguishing Love from Attachment and Control
Mourning Loss and Navigating Suffering
The Challenge and Practice of Receiving Generosity
Sharon Salzberg's Current Practice Edge: Structured vs. Unstructured Meditation
6 Key Concepts
Authentic Life (Sharon Salzberg's view)
A deeper way of being connected to oneself and others, moving beyond frantic habits. It involves intentional kindness and a genuine expression of who you are, rather than just being frank or upfront about negative traits.
'Looking Through' vs. 'Looking At' People
'Looking through' refers to interacting with people without truly seeing them, often due to being caught in one's own agenda or habits. 'Looking at' involves taking the time and intention to genuinely acknowledge and connect with others, fostering resonance.
Meditation (Tibetan Buddhist view)
Described as 'getting familiar with it,' where 'it' refers to innate moments of clarity, connection, love, peace, or joy that humans already experience but don't dwell in. The practice helps one learn to abide in these deepest known places, rather than moving from a state of deficit.
Emergent Properties of Attention
The idea that qualities like love, compassion, and insight are not fixed traits but rather arise or 'emerge' from how we pay attention. Since attention is trainable through practices like meditation, these qualities can also be trained and developed.
Emptiness (Buddhist concept)
Not meaning hollowness or void, but rather contingency and interconnection. It refers to the absence of a solid, unchanging, independent core self or reality. Things exist as they are, but constantly changing and interdependent, without a fixed, independent essence.
Attachment (Buddhist concept)
Understood as clinging or trying to control outcomes, rather than simply wishing for the happiness and well-being of others. It's distinguished from love, which is rooted in care and connection, and often involves a process of letting go of the need to control.
9 Questions Answered
It means living in a way that feels deeply connected to oneself and others, moving beyond frantic habits, and expressing genuine kindness rather than pretense. It involves slowing down and being more intentional in interactions.
One way is to intentionally slow down, for example, by re-reading emails before sending them and considering how they might be received by the recipient, or by making an effort to truly 'look at' people rather than 'looking through' them.
Shame creates a state of 'psychic constipation' where the brain cannot learn or process information effectively. Moving beyond shame to a 'good-ish' perspective allows for improvement without the paralyzing effects of self-blame.
Meditation helps us 'get familiar' with moments of clarity, connection, love, and joy that we've already experienced. It teaches us how to abide in these deeper places within ourselves, rather than moving from a perceived deficit.
In classical loving kindness practice, one starts with oneself as a foundational exercise, not because it's selfish, but because it's meant to be the easiest way to begin. It's an essential part of the package that is inextricably interwoven with how one treats others and is unsustainable to omit.
While loving kindness practice may not directly deepen the understanding of emptiness, it fosters connection and reduces fear, leading to a clearer understanding of the interdependence of life. Emptiness means contingency and interconnection, not hollowness, so anything that brings us closer to this truth, like loving kindness, ultimately enhances that understanding.
Attachment can be understood as control or clinging. Love, defined as wishing for the happiness and well-being of the other, can exist even when taking strong action or setting boundaries. The key is to pay attention to what motivates actions – care and compassion versus fear or hatred – and practice letting go of the need to control outcomes.
Yes, mourning is a natural human experience. The Buddha himself expressed deep sorrow at the loss of his chief disciples. The practice helps to avoid 'extra suffering' (like isolation or blame) that comes from misconstrued attitudes, but it acknowledges that some things simply hurt.
Many people, especially caregivers or helpers, are more comfortable giving than receiving. Receiving generosity can be difficult because it challenges the need to be in control or might bring up feelings of unworthiness. It becomes a spiritual practice by paying attention to how it feels to receive, noticing any resistance or self-judgment, and allowing appreciation to truly sink in.
23 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Self-Compassion for Learning
The brain filled with shame cannot learn, so cultivate self-compassion and reduce self-blame to facilitate personal growth and learning.
2. Adopt a ‘Good-ish’ Mindset
Think of yourself as ‘good-ish’ to allow for continuous improvement without the shame of imperfection or the pressure of being perfect.
3. Train Attention for Emergent Qualities
Recognize that qualities like insight, love, and connection are ’emergent properties’ of how you pay attention, and train your attention through meditation to cultivate them.
4. Practice Returning to Mindfulness
Don’t strive for constant mindfulness in daily life; instead, practice returning to it gracefully, quickly, and with less self-blame when your attention wanders.
5. Clear Away Habit Patterns
Engage in practices that clear away unhelpful habit patterns and mental ‘gunk’ to reveal inherent pro-social qualities like kindness and connection.
6. Approach Meditation as Abiding
View meditation not as fixing a deficit, but as learning to dwell and abide in moments of clarity, connection, love, peace, or joy that you’ve already experienced.
7. Cultivate Spiritual Growth with Patience
Approach spiritual growth with patience, avoiding a ‘grabby’ or acquisitive mindset that seeks immediate insights, and instead create conditions for qualities to emerge naturally.
8. Intentionally Connect with Others
Make an effort to ’look at’ people you normally ’look through’ (e.g., doormen, service staff), making eye contact and offering a quick greeting to improve daily interactions.
9. Re-read Emails from Recipient’s View
Before sending an email, re-read it from the recipient’s perspective and edit for clarity and kindness to avoid misunderstandings.
10. Include Yourself in Care
Ensure you include yourself in your circle of care, as dedicating all your love and compassion to others without self-care is unsustainable and leads to exhaustion.
11. Start Loving Kindness Practice Strategically
If starting loving kindness practice with yourself is difficult, begin by directing it towards someone or something easy to love, but always ensure you eventually include yourself.
12. Embrace Being Your Own BFF
Cultivate self-love by embracing the idea of being your own ‘BFF,’ understanding it’s not selfish or a pass/fail project, but an ongoing process.
13. Define Love as Wishing Well-being
Understand love as wishing for the happiness and well-being of others, which allows for strong, compassionate action for change without passive acceptance of harmful behavior.
14. Pay Attention to Motivations
When speaking, acting, or seeking change, pay close attention to your underlying motivations, ensuring they stem from care, connection, or compassion rather than fear or hatred.
15. Practice Letting Go of Control
Actively practice letting go of the need to control others’ paths or outcomes, even those you deeply love, allowing them to pursue their own happiness.
16. Acknowledge Inherent Pain
Recognize that some pain and suffering are inherent to life and simply hurt; avoid adding ’extra suffering’ by blaming yourself or others, or by believing you should be in a sublime state.
17. Visualize Love with Open Palm
Use the analogy of holding loved ones with an open palm, symbolizing care without grasping or clinging, as opposed to a clenched fist representing attachment and control.
18. Recognize Impermanence Deepens Love
Understand that acknowledging the temporary nature of loved ones does not diminish love; instead, this awareness can deepen and make love more poignant.
19. View Receiving as a Practice
Actively engage with receiving generosity, compliments, or help as a spiritual practice, rather than deflecting or minimizing it.
20. Fully Receive Appreciation
When receiving positive feedback or appreciation, pay attention to how it feels and allow yourself to fully experience and ’let in’ the appreciation without immediate self-critique.
21. Use All Experiences as Practice
Utilize all experiences, positive or negative, as opportunities for practice by paying curious attention to your internal reactions without judgment, observing where you try to control and where you can let go.
22. Allow Creative Projects to Unfold
Give yourself permission to let creative projects unfold at their own pace, resisting the urge to rush, and actively trying to enjoy the process.
23. Experiment with Structured Loving Kindness
Consider returning to a more structured, formal loving kindness practice, including specific phrases and sequences, to observe its effects and deepen commitment.
7 Key Quotes
The brain filled with shame cannot learn.
Sharon Salzberg
Who do we look at and who do we look through?
Sharon Salzberg
Everybody wins when I'm not an asshole.
Dan Harris
Emptiness doesn't mean hollowness... It means contingency. It actually means interconnection.
Sharon Salzberg
Something's just hurt. Some things are hurt. They're hurtful. They're horrible. Not because you have the wrong attitude. Not because you need more equanimity. Not because your thinking is askew. Something's just hurt.
Sharon Salzberg
I can love my son and know that like everything else in the universe, he's temporary.
Dan Harris
The hardest thing of all with the stroke, harder than physical pain, harder than living in a wheelchair, harder than all this change in speech has been being able to receive. He said, it was the hardest thing of all and it was the most liberating.
Ram Dass (quoted by Sharon Salzberg)
2 Protocols
Loving Kindness Practice (Classical Tradition)
Sharon Salzberg- Start with yourself, as it's meant to be the easiest way to offer loving kindness (if difficult, start with someone easier like a pet or teacher, and bring yourself in later).
- Continue to bring yourself into the practice, as it's inextricably interwoven with how you treat others and is unsustainable to leave yourself out.
- Allow things to unfold in an easier way, discovering and trusting inner capacities.
Email Kindness Protocol
Sharon Salzberg- Write your email.
- Do not press send immediately.
- Read the email again.
- Position yourself in the seat of the recipient.
- Edit the email to ensure it sounds kind and is not easily misunderstood.