Six Buddhist Strategies for Getting Along Better with Everyone | Sister True Dedication
Sister True Dedication, a Zen Buddhist nun and teacher, shares Thich Nhat Hanh's six mantras for improving relationships and communication. She explains how to incorporate these phrases into daily life, keep misunderstandings "dust free," and take action to prevent anger from festering, emphasizing the importance of presence and partial understanding.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to Relationship Challenges and Thich Nhat Hanh's Mantras
Understanding Mantras and the Importance of Communication
The Foundation of Presence and Deep Listening
Mantra 1: 'I Am Here for You' and Its Application
Mantra 2: 'I Know You're There and I'm So Happy'
Navigating Hesitation and Professional Applications of Mantras
The Concept of Store Consciousness and Mind Cultivation
Sister True Dedication's Journey from Journalism to Nunhood
Mantra 3: 'I Know You Suffer and That I'm Here for You'
The Practice of Mindful Breathing
Mantra 4: 'I Suffer, Please Help' and Asking for Support
Mantra 5: 'You Are Partly Right' for Feedback and Openness
Mantra 6: 'This Is a Happy Moment' and Celebrating Life
Resources for Deeper Practice of Mantras
6 Key Concepts
Mantras (Thich Nhat Hanh's definition)
Thich Nhat Hanh's mantras are not supernatural but 'words of power' in modern language, designed to be invoked and spoken aloud. They aim to unlock difficult situations, move energy, and transform the dynamics of relationships and conversations.
Quality of Presence
This refers to the foundational non-verbal communication of being physically present, aware, and embodied without distraction. It involves using bodily awareness and mindful breathing to show up fully for others, fostering deeper listening and connection.
Deep Listening
A practice of offering full, non-judgmental attention to another person without interrupting or trying to fix their problems. It involves being present with one's own physical felt experience, which allows the speaker to feel heard and speak their truth more fully.
Store Consciousness
A deeper level of consciousness, distinct from the active, cogitating mind, that holds all the potential seeds of insight, courage, compassion, and forgiveness. It drives automatic actions and can be actively cultivated through intentional practices like loving-kindness meditation.
Inter-being
Thich Nhat Hanh's concept that individuals are not separate but are interconnected with others. This truth implies that living well and achieving the deepest healing requires engaging with and taking refuge in the people around us, rather than trying to solve all problems alone.
Non-attachment to Views
A spiritual practice of maintaining radical openness and curiosity about one's own and others' perspectives, recognizing that all views are partial and conditioned. It helps avoid dogmatism, overconfidence, and imposing one's views, fostering understanding even when disagreeing.
7 Questions Answered
Thich Nhat Hanh developed six phrases, or 'words of power,' that can be spoken aloud in daily life to transform communication and strengthen relationships, cutting through noise for meaningful exchange.
Human connection is essential for a meaningful and joyful life, and communication is the fundamental currency of relationships, which are the most important variable for human flourishing.
It involves being embodied, physically present, and aware, rather than distracted by screens or thoughts. Using bodily awareness and mindful breathing helps one show up fully, allowing for deeper listening and connection.
While it might feel awkward initially, saying these things before it's too late can be profoundly impactful, as people often wait their whole lives to hear such expressions. The key is to find a way to make it real and authentic for you.
Thich Nhat Hanh suggested taking action after 24 hours to prevent anger from festering. The mantra 'I suffer, please help' encourages opening communication and asking for support, rather than trying to solve problems alone.
The mantra 'You are partly right' encourages acknowledging that the other person's view is partial, but also looking for the grain of truth in their feedback to learn and grow, setting aside pride.
The mantra 'This is a happy moment' is an invitation to actively declare, name, and celebrate precious, beautiful, or wonderful moments, counter-programming the negativity bias and awakening to the wonder of the present.
15 Actionable Insights
1. Offer Deep Presence & Listening
Show up for others with your full, non-distracted presence, using bodily awareness and deep listening to make them feel truly heard. This allows others to open their hearts, speak their truth, and fosters meaningful human connection.
2. Use Mindful Breathing for Presence
Follow the full length of your in-breath and out-breath, feeling the body’s response, to ground yourself and offer an embodied quality of presence to others. This practice can help you stay calm and gentle even in difficult interactions.
3. Cultivate Positive Mental Seeds
Actively strengthen capacities like compassion, kindness, and courage through intentional practices such as loving-kindness meditation or mindful daily activities. This makes positive qualities more likely to manifest in your thoughts, speech, and actions when needed.
4. Say ‘I Am Here For You’
Put down what you’re doing, go to the person, and with present body language, state ‘I am here for you’ to offer your full presence, openness, and availability without trying to fix their problems. This can also be sent via text message to show support.
5. Express Joy with ‘I Know You’re There’
Verbalize ‘I know you’re there and I’m so happy’ to loved ones and colleagues to keep communication channels open and prevent misunderstandings from accumulating. This helps appreciate others fully before it’s too late.
6. Acknowledge Suffering: ‘I Know You Suffer’
Have the courage to lean into painful moments by telling someone, ‘I know you suffer, and that is why I’m here for you.’ This mantra gives permission for others to describe their difficulty and unlocks deeper connection.
7. Ask for Help: ‘I Suffer’
If someone has hurt you, take action within 24 hours to prevent anger from festering by saying ‘I suffer, please help’ to open communication. This invites healing and acknowledges that living well is a social endeavor.
8. Embrace Feedback: ‘You Are Partly Right’
When criticized or praised, acknowledge ‘you are partly right’ to foster an open mind, learn from feedback, and avoid dogmatism or overconfidence. This encourages understanding others’ perspectives and non-attachment to your own views.
9. Address Anger Within 24 Hours
Allow yourself to be angry for 24 hours, but after that, take action to prevent the anger from festering. This could involve using the ‘I suffer, please help’ mantra to open communication.
10. Celebrate Life with ‘This Is a Happy Moment’
Actively celebrate precious, beautiful, or rare moments by declaring ‘This is a happy moment’ (or ‘This is a wonderful/legendary moment’). This practice helps you stop, name, and wake up to the wonder of life’s finite special instances.
11. Practice Mindful Walking at Work
Integrate mindful walking into daily routines, such as walking to the water cooler, by feeling each footstep. This helps maintain mindfulness and presence even in busy environments.
12. Practice Mindful Eating/Drinking
Before drinking water or eating, take a moment to connect with the whole universe, visualizing elements like mountains and waterfalls, to bring mindfulness to simple daily acts.
13. Perform 5-Minute Body Scan
In intense or difficult moments, find a quiet space to perform a 5-minute body scan to regulate your nervous system. This helps manage stress and maintain inner calm.
14. Engage in Death Meditation
Contemplate impermanence and your eventual death, reflecting that only your actions of body, speech, and mind will remain. This practice can clarify life’s purpose and motivate you to cultivate a better version of yourself.
15. Utilize Plum Village Resources
Access further teachings and meditations on communication practices and mantras through Thich Nhat Hanh’s book ‘The Art of Communicating’ or the free Plum Village app. Explore ‘Zen and the Art of Saving the Planet’ for insights on applying mindfulness for change.
7 Key Quotes
I think human connection is what makes life meaningful. It's what makes life joyful.
Sister True Dedication
I think we know from the data that perhaps the most important variable when it comes to human flourishing is the quality of our relationships. And the basic currency of relationships is communication.
Dan Harris
It's hard to say what you mean when you really mean it.
Steve Malkmus (quoted by Dan Harris)
Can't fix it, but I can sit in the dark with you.
Brene Brown (quoted by Dan Harris)
I know my job can be replaced a thousand times, but I only have one life. And is this really what I want to fill it with?
Sister True Dedication
We can disagree with the view without wanting to eliminate that person.
Sister True Dedication
We don't just practice meditation to feel better, but to make the world a better place. And those two are linked inextricably.
Sister True Dedication
5 Protocols
Offering 'I Am Here For You' Mantra
Sister True Dedication- Put down whatever you're doing.
- Go to wherever the other person is.
- Capture their attention with your body language (e.g., put a hand on their shoulder or sit next to them).
- Feel very present and available in yourself.
- Say, 'I'm here for you. How are you?'
- Listen openly without trying to fix their problems, offering your presence, openness, and availability.
Pre-Encounter Mindfulness Practice
Sister True Dedication- Practice mindful walking (e.g., for the last 200 yards from the car into your home).
- Take 10-20 minutes for relaxation (e.g., lie down in a quiet space).
- Create a certain space inside yourself before encountering loved ones or housemates.
Newsroom Stress Regulation Techniques
Sister True Dedication- Practice mindful walking (e.g., 12 steps to the water cooler, feeling each footstep).
- Recite a short poem or contemplation before drinking water to feel connected to the whole universe.
- Perform a 5-minute body scan in a private space (e.g., fancy toilets) during intense moments to regulate the nervous system.
- Practice deep listening for colleagues' rants, offering 100% attention without judgment to help them feel heard.
Responding to Criticism with 'You Are Partly Right'
Sister True Dedication- Acknowledge that the other person's view is only partial.
- Say (internally or externally), 'You are partly right.'
- Look into what ways they might be right, allowing pride to step aside.
- Be open and curious to learn and grow from the feedback, seeing the grain of truth.
Celebrating a Happy Moment
Thich Nhat Hanh (described by Sister True Dedication)- Join your palms together.
- Look at others present and smile.
- Recite the words, 'This is a happy moment' (or 'This is a wonderful moment,' 'This is a legendary moment').
- Enjoy the moment together, recognizing its preciousness and waking up to its wonder.