Six Buddhist Strategies for Getting Along Better with Everyone | Sister True Dedication
Sister True Dedication, a Zen Buddhist nun and teacher ordained by Thich Nhat Hanh, shares six mantras to improve relationships, prevent anger from festering, and foster deeper human connection. She also discusses applying these practices in daily life and professional settings.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Introduction to Relationship Communication Challenges
Sister True Dedication's Background and Thich Nhat Hanh's Mantras
Defining Modern Mantras and Their Transformative Power
The Importance of Quality Human Connection and Presence
Mantra 1: 'I Am Here For You' and Deep Listening
Mantra 2: 'I Know You're There and I'm So Happy'
Applying Mantras in Professional and Intimate Relationships
Understanding 'Store Consciousness' and Mind Cultivation
Sister True Dedication's Path from Journalism to Nunhood
Mantra 3: 'I Know You Suffer and That I'm Here For You'
Mindful Breathing as a Foundation for Presence
Mantra 4: 'I Suffer, Please Help' and Asking for Support
Mantra 5: 'You Are Partly Right' and Openness to Feedback
Mantra 6: 'This Is a Happy Moment' and Celebrating Life
Resources for Practicing Mantras and Engaged Buddhism
6 Key Concepts
Mantras (Thich Nhat Hanh's definition)
These are code words or phrases that can be invoked or called upon in difficult moments to unlock situations, move energy, and transform things. They are down-to-earth 'words of power' for modern times, not supernatural or chanted, and can be translated into any language.
Quality of Presence
This is the foundational element for effective communication, involving physical presence, awareness, and showing up for people with non-verbal cues. It means being fully present, not distracted by screens or thoughts, and offering deep, undistracted attention to the person in front of you.
Embodied Mindfulness Practice
This practice involves using bodily awareness and mindful breathing to be fully present for others and to manage one's own physical responses during interactions. It allows for deeper listening, which helps the other person feel truly heard and open their heart more authentically.
Store Consciousness
A Buddhist concept referring to deeper levels of consciousness that hold the potential 'seeds' of insight, courage, compassion, forgiveness, and other qualities. It's the kind of consciousness that drives automatic actions and from which wisdom can emerge over time, distinct from the active, cogitating mind.
Cultivation (Bhavana)
Derived from the Pali word 'bhavana,' meaning cultivation, this is the active process of strengthening positive 'seeds' or capacities in one's consciousness through intentional practices like loving-kindness meditation or mindful eating. It's like gardening the mind, watering beneficial seeds and taking care of weeds, so positive qualities manifest when needed.
Non-Attachment to Views
This practice involves maintaining radical openness and curiosity, especially when receiving feedback or encountering differing perspectives. It encourages questioning one's own position, recognizing the partial truth in others' views, and disagreeing with a view without wanting to eliminate the person holding it.
9 Questions Answered
Thich Nhat Hanh's mantras are six specific phrases designed to be invoked to transform difficult situations, open communication, and deepen connection. They are considered 'words of power' for modern times, meant to be spoken aloud and relied upon in daily interactions.
Human connection is what makes life meaningful and joyful, and the quality of our relationships is the most important variable for human flourishing. Communication is the basic currency of relationships, making it essential for navigating life's ups and downs and fostering deep connections.
Offering a quality of presence involves putting down distractions, physically showing up, making eye contact, and being fully available to the other person. This is often supported by mindfulness practices like mindful walking or breathing, which help to manage one's own internal state and offer undistracted attention.
It's important to verbalize appreciation and care before it's too late, even if it feels out of character or overly earnest. People often wait their whole lives to hear affirmations, and saying what you mean, even if it feels difficult, can be a huge gift that keeps communication channels open.
Mantras can be adapted to foster more human connection and care among colleagues, such as offering deep listening and presence. This approach can contribute to a healthier work environment, reduce burnout, and make team interactions more rewarding and fulfilling.
Store consciousness refers to deeper levels of consciousness that hold the potential for positive qualities like insight, compassion, and courage. It's where the 'seeds' of our mental habits reside, which can be actively cultivated through intentional practices to manifest as positive thoughts, speech, and actions.
Thich Nhat Hanh suggested allowing anger for up to 24 hours, but after that, taking action to prevent it from festering. This involves having the courage to open communication and ask for help, using phrases like 'I suffer, please help' to let a loved one know something was difficult.
When criticized, the mantra 'You are partly right' encourages openness to feedback, seeking the grain of truth for personal growth, and setting pride aside. When praised, the same mantra reminds one not to self-aggrandize, acknowledging there's always room for growth and that all views are partial.
By actively naming and declaring moments of joy or beauty, such as 'This is a happy moment,' it serves as an awakening to the wonder of the present. This practice helps to stop, arrive into the moment, and counter the tendency for special moments to pass by unnoticed.
12 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Mindful Presence
Show up for people with quality physical presence and awareness, rather than distraction from screens or thoughts, as this non-verbal communication is foundational for meaningful human contact and allows for deeper connection.
2. Train Your Mind’s “Seeds”
Engage in intentional practices like loving kindness, mindful eating, or mindful walking to actively strengthen positive potentials (seeds) in your consciousness, making qualities like compassion and courage more likely to manifest in your daily thoughts, speech, and actions.
3. Practice Deep, Embodied Listening
When listening to others, use your breathing to stay grounded and be with your physical felt experience of what they are saying, rather than waiting to respond or trying to fix, which allows them to open their heart and speak their truth more fully.
4. Mantra: I Am Here For You
Put down what you’re doing, go to the person, capture their attention with your body language (e.g., hand on shoulder, sit next to them), feel present and available, and say “I’m here for you. How are you?” to activate a higher quality of presence and open space for them to be real.
5. Mantra: I Know You’re There
Verbalize appreciation by saying “I know you’re there and I’m so happy” to valued people, helping to keep communication channels open and prevent misunderstandings from accumulating before it’s too late.
6. Mantra: I Know You Suffer
Acknowledge someone’s pain by saying “I know you suffer, and that is why I’m here for you” (or similar words to that effect), to lean into difficult moments and offer support through your mindful presence, giving them permission to describe their hardship.
7. Mantra: I Suffer, Please Help
Express your hurt directly to the person who caused it by saying “I suffer, please help” or “You said that thing, and I’m suffering and I need your help,” to prevent anger from festering and open communication for healing, rather than trying to solve problems alone.
8. Mantra: You Are Partly Right
When receiving criticism or encountering a triggering view, acknowledge “You are partly right” to yourself and others, fostering openness, curiosity, and non-attachment to your own views, and seeking the grain of truth in their perspective to learn and grow.
9. Mantra: This Is A Happy Moment
Actively celebrate precious, beautiful, or wonderful moments by declaring “This is a happy moment” (or “wonderful,” “legendary”) to stop, name it, arrive into the moment, and wake up to its wonder, counteracting negativity bias.
10. Prevent Anger From Festering
Allow yourself to be angry for 24 hours, but after that, take action to address the source of anger and prevent it from festering, such as using the “I suffer, please help” mantra to open communication.
11. Contemplate Impermanence
Regularly reflect on your mortality, acknowledging that you will die one day and only your actions of body, speech, and mind will remain, to clarify your life’s purpose and ensure your daily choices align with your deepest values.
12. Workplace Mindfulness Practices
Incorporate subtle mindfulness into your workday by practicing mindful walking (e.g., 12 steps to the water cooler), mindful drinking (with a short contemplation), and brief body scans (e.g., 5 minutes in a restroom) to regulate your nervous system and maintain presence in challenging environments.
8 Key Quotes
I think human connection is what makes life meaningful. It's what makes life joyful.
Sister True Dedication
We wait until things are really fragile, until someone's super sick or until someone even has passed away. And we're just like, wow, I never actually had a chance to tell that person how much they meant to me.
Sister True Dedication
Can't fix it, but I can sit in the dark with you.
Brene Brown (quoted by Dan Harris)
The mind is like a field or a garden and the role of the meditator is to cultivate the seeds of the mind in that garden.
Sister True Dedication
We don't need to wait. You can just shortcut to the result. You don't need to like earn it with thousands of hours. Like anyone can do this.
Sister True Dedication
We inter are, that the truth is interbeing between ourselves and others.
Sister True Dedication (quoting Thich Nhat Hanh)
In Buddhism, we should not ever kill, not ever want to eliminate the other side simply because they hold a different view. We can disagree with the view without wanting to eliminate that person.
Sister True Dedication
We don't just practice meditation to feel better, but to make the world a better place. And those two are linked inextricably.
Sister True Dedication
3 Protocols
Returning Home Mindfully
Sister True Dedication- Practice mindful walking for the last 200 yards or from the car into the home to take care of your own 'junk' from the day.
- Create a certain inner space before encountering housemates or loved ones.
- Put down whatever you're doing and go to where your loved one is.
- Capture their attention with your body language, feeling very present and available.
- Say, 'I am here for you. How are you?' to open up space for them to be real with you.
Addressing Anger and Hurt in Relationships
Thich Nhat Hanh (described by Sister True Dedication)- Allow yourself to be angry for a maximum of 24 hours.
- After 24 hours, take action to prevent the anger from festering.
- Open up communication by saying, 'I suffer, please help,' or by explaining what was really difficult or hurtful.
- Be open to hearing the other person's explanation or apology, allowing for deeper healing.
Mindful Eating (using a mantra)
Thich Nhat Hanh (described by Sister True Dedication)- Before a meal, join your palms in a gesture of mindfulness.
- Recite the five words: 'This is a happy moment.'
- Smile to each other, acknowledging the preciousness of the moment.
- Then, enjoy the meal together, celebrating life.