Stop Trying to Become Someone New: Get Past Constant Comparison and Return to What Works For You | Sam Sanders
Dan Harris and Sam Sanders discuss "modern scriptures"—pop culture that grounds and brings joy. They explore how beauty and art boost well-being, share personal recommendations, and delve into making resolutions stick, highlighting self-compassion and the power of returning to what already brings fulfillment.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to Aesthetic Experiences and Mental Health
Introducing Sam Sanders and the Concept of Modern Scriptures
Dan Harris's Background: Panic Attack to Mindfulness Expert
Sam Sanders' Experience with a Silent Meditation Retreat
Ferris Bueller's Day Off as a Modern Scripture
Song Song Blue: A New Musical for Emotional Catharsis
Fleetwood Mac's Rumors and Tusk as Poignant Modern Scriptures
Aretha Franklin's Amazing Grace Album and Documentary
Parks and Rec: A Show About Love and Community
Getting On: An Underrated HBO Show About Nurses
Insights on Watching TV and Movies with Children
Making New Year's Resolutions Stick: Research-Backed Strategies
The Negative Impact of Instagram and Social Media Comparison
The Revolutionary Act of Returning to Sources of Joy
5 Key Concepts
Modern Scriptures
These are cultural artifacts like books, movies, TV shows, or music that individuals return to often or frequently because they provide grounding, happiness, emotional release, or a sense of purpose and meaning. They serve as reliable wells of emotional catharsis or comfort.
Aesthetic Experiences for Well-being
Access to beauty and aesthetic experiences, whether through nature or art (movies, music, TV), is a key part of human flourishing. Art can be a powerful tool to shift one's mood and boost overall well-being.
Buddhist Sentiment in Ferris Bueller
The movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off embodies Buddhist principles, particularly the idea that 'Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.' This reflects the impermanence of things and the suffering that arises from clinging too tightly to a world of constant change.
Fresh Start Effect
This is a psychological phenomenon where temporal landmarks like birthdays, Mondays, the start of a new month, or especially a new year, provide people with motivation and fuel to make changes and form new habits.
Self-Compassion
Defined as the ability to speak to oneself in the same kind way one would speak to a good friend. Research indicates that practicing self-compassion significantly increases the likelihood of achieving goals, including New Year's resolutions.
7 Questions Answered
Modern scriptures are cultural items like books, movies, TV shows, or music that people repeatedly revisit because they provide grounding, happiness, emotional release, or a sense of meaning, similar to how traditional scriptures offer guidance.
Aesthetic experiences, such as engaging with beauty in nature or art (movies, music, TV), are powerful ways to boost well-being and are considered a key part of human flourishing. Art can also be used to intentionally shift one's mood.
To make resolutions stick, they should be very specific, start absurdly small, be done with social support for accountability, and most importantly, be approached with self-compassion, treating oneself kindly like a good friend.
Instagram can reliably make people unhappy because it ruthlessly invites comparison, leading users to compare themselves to friends and random accounts, which can foster feelings of gross inadequacy and a distorted perception of others' lives.
Yes, art can reliably provide emotional catharsis, whether it's a film that elicits a good cry, a song that evokes specific feelings, or a TV show that guarantees laughter, allowing individuals to release pressure and feel good.
The act of returning to things that bring joy, solace, and peace, or to people who nurture and love us, is a powerful and edifying practice. It reminds us that we already possess sources of fulfillment, and revisiting them can be just as revolutionary as pursuing new goals.
Watching TV and movies with children can be beneficial as it creates opportunities for organic conversations about various topics, from cultural appropriation and social issues to life and death, especially if the parent is open to discussing these themes as they arise.
14 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Speak to yourself kindly, as you would a good friend, because research shows this “upstream habit” significantly increases your likelihood of achieving goals and making other habits stick.
2. Embrace the Power of Return
Instead of always seeking new resolutions, recognize the “revolutionary” power of returning to existing sources of joy, solace, peace, and supportive relationships in your life, as this can be deeply edifying.
3. Engage with Art and Beauty
Actively seek out aesthetic experiences, including nature, fine art, movies, music, and TV shows, as there is substantial evidence that beauty is a powerful way to boost your overall well-being and human flourishing.
4. Identify Your Modern Scriptures
Curate a personal collection of books, movies, music, or TV shows that you can return to often because they reliably ground you, make you happy, or provide a sense of meaning and purpose.
5. Use Art to Shift Mood
Intentionally leverage art, particularly music, as a tool to shift your emotional state, whether you need a good cry, a laugh, or a sense of calm, to help process emotions or change your current mood.
6. Form Specific Resolutions
When setting goals, make your resolutions very specific, such as “go to the gym three times a week” instead of a vague “get fit,” as this specificity greatly increases the chances of adherence.
7. Start New Habits Absurdly Small
Begin new habits or resolutions with extremely small, manageable steps, like meditating for one minute or simply putting your sneakers by the door, to build momentum and reduce initial resistance.
8. Leverage Social Support for Habits
Engage in new habits or resolutions with other people, as social support provides enthusiasm and accountability, which can be incredibly powerful in helping you stick to your goals.
9. Utilize the Fresh Start Effect
Capitalize on psychological triggers like birthdays, Mondays, the start of a new month, or especially a new year, as these “fresh start” moments can provide significant fuel to initiate desired changes.
10. Mind Social Media’s Comparison Trap
Be acutely aware of how social media platforms, like Instagram, can reliably trigger comparison and feelings of inadequacy; consider reducing or altering your usage if it consistently leads to unhappiness.
11. Create Phone-Free Zones
Intentionally build activities into your daily routine where your phone is not involved, such as putting it in the car’s trunk while driving or leaving it at home during dog walks, to foster mindfulness and reduce digital distraction.
12. Foster Organic Conversations with Kids
Use pop culture (movies, TV shows) as a natural springboard for discussions with children, allowing opportunities for conversation to arise organically rather than lecturing, as this increases their receptiveness for about 15 seconds.
13. Practice Non-Attachment to Change
Embrace the Buddhist sentiment that life moves fast and things are constantly changing; clinging too tightly to a world of unremitting change is a reliable way to suffer, so accept reality as it is.
14. Appreciate Art of Creative Resilience
Find inspiration in creative collaborations that persist despite significant conflict and personal struggles, recognizing that good art can emerge from individuals working through difficulties together.
5 Key Quotes
Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
Dan Harris (quoting Ferris Bueller)
If I watch Instagram for 45 minutes or half an hour or 15 minutes, I'm convinced that everyone else who has a smartphone is making their own original music and music videos and building their own furniture and cooking all their own food. It makes me feel grossly inadequate.
Dan Harris
Sometimes the act of return can be just as fulfilling. We already have things in our life that bring us joy, that bring us solace, that bring us peace. We already have people in our lives that help us and nurture us and love us returning to them into those ideas, into those scriptures or whatever they are. Just doing that, it might not feel revolutionary, but it is edifying. And I have to remind myself, just return is enough sometimes.
Sam Sanders
I know nothing to say. Someone has taken my place. When times go bad, when times go rough, won't you lay me down in the tall grass and let me do my stuff? I know I got nothing on you. I know there's nothing to do in time.
Dan Harris (singing Fleetwood Mac's 'Second Hand News')
The entire premise of the piece is that Melissa McCarthy is a comedian and an artist that lives above the fray of daily life, of modern life, of the news, of headlines. And she centers and grounds herself so much in her comedic work and her work of emotion that it helps her to literally fly above it.
Sam Sanders
1 Protocols
Making New Year's Resolutions Stick
Dan Harris- Have very specific resolutions (e.g., 'go to the gym three times a week' instead of 'get fit').
- Start very, very small, sometimes absurdly small (e.g., 'put your sneakers by the door' for exercise, or 'one minute' for meditation).
- Do it with other people to leverage social support for enthusiasm and accountability.
- Practice self-compassion, speaking to yourself in a kinder way, like you would a good friend.