Susan Piver, Buddhist Wisdom for Modern Relationships

1. Turn Toward Difficult Emotions

The sign of progress in spiritual practice is not the absence of strong emotions, but how quickly you can turn toward and fully feel them without the accompanying story. Feeling emotions completely is the path to metabolizing pain, as what you don’t clearly see or turn toward will own and drive you blindly.

2. Accept Relationship Discomfort

Understand and accept that relationships are inherently uncomfortable and will never fully stabilize or reach a ’love plateau’ of smooth sailing. Recognizing this inherent instability can be reassuring and prevent false expectations that lead to disappointment.

3. Drop Comfort Expectation in Relationships

The cause of discomfort in relationships is the expectation that they should be comfortable and stable. By dropping this expectation, you avoid adding ‘second arrow’ suffering to the unavoidable discomfort that naturally arises.

4. Prioritize Deepening Intimacy

Go ‘beyond conventional thought’ by recognizing that romantic love comes and goes and eventually ends, but intimacy can always deepen. Use every experience in your relationship (outside of abuse/addiction) to deepen your mutual understanding and self-disclosure, as intimacy has no end.

5. Face Discomfort Together

Instead of blaming each other for relationship discomfort, adopt a more loving approach by standing ‘shoulder to shoulder’ with your partner to face the situation together, like observing weather. This involves noticing the environment of the relationship and checking for opportunities to be more loving and kind.

6. Practice Relationship Precision

Build the foundation of your relationship through ‘precision,’ which means practicing profound good manners by considering your partner and making allowances, and being honest about your feelings and desires, sharing them skillfully. This fosters trust and safety within the relationship.

7. Cultivate Openness to Partner

Develop ‘openness’ by recognizing and valuing your partner as having equal importance to yourself in all situations. This involves making space for them in your life and being willing to be with what is happening in the relationship.

8. Apply Metta to Your Partner

Practice loving kindness (metta/maitri) by wishing your partner well in all traditional categories: as a loved one, as a stranger (acknowledging their unknown aspects), and as a ‘difficult person’ or ’enemy’ (focusing on their fragile parts). This practice can reestablish connection and bring softness to the relationship.

9. Meditate for Softness and Presence

Engaging in meditation can make you softer, more present, and more loving, rather than tougher or more ‘Zen.’ This allows you to go towards challenges instead of hiding from them, and fosters an open, less guarded heart.

10. Embrace Vulnerability as Strength

View vulnerability not as a weakness, but as a sign of strength, a superpower, and a source of joy. As Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche said, ’the only true elegance is vulnerability,’ suggesting it connects to powerful qualities like love, inspiration, and intuition.

11. Strong Emotions Are Power

Recognize that strong emotions, such as anger or fear, can be a source of power and contain the seed of wisdom, particularly in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. The substance of the emotion itself doesn’t change, but your perspective on it can shift it from a ‘poison’ to a ‘medicine.’

12. Harness Anger’s Clarity

When experiencing anger, recognize its potential for ‘mirror-like wisdom’ or ‘cold clarity.’ If you can detach from the destructive storyline and ego, you can use the sharpness and brightness of anger to cut through non-essentials and BS, leveraging its inherent power of clarity.

13. Cultivate The Meditation Gap

During meditation, when your mind strays and you return to the breath, there’s a profound ‘gap’ of nothingness. This space is a source of love, inspiration, creativity, insight, innovation, intuition, and instinct, which are powerful qualities that do not originate from thought.

14. Discern Spiritual Teachers’ Teachings

Do not invest all your faith and money in one spiritual leader, as even highly meditative or ’enlightened’ teachers remain fallible human beings. While their teachings can be valuable, it’s an individual decision whether to disregard them based on their personal misbehavior; often, the teachings remain profound despite the teacher’s flaws.

15. Tip Generously, Feel Better

When receiving poor service, override the impulse to stiff the server and give a good tip, recognizing they may be having a bad day and need the money more. This compassionate act will ultimately make you feel better, creating a ‘warm glow’ instead of the lingering pain of spite.

16. Give to Homeless Indiscriminately

Keep small bills on hand to give to homeless people asking for money, even if you suspect they might use it for drugs. This practice helps avoid the ‘psychic overhang’ and pain of ignoring human beings, and ultimately ‘feels better’ to ‘good vibe people indiscriminately.’