That Feeling of "Always-Behind and Never-Enough"—Here's the Antidote | Ellen Hendriksen
Dr. Ellen Hendrickson, a clinical psychologist at Boston University's Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, discusses perfectionism as a "not enoughness" mindset. She offers seven shifts to move from self-criticism and rigid rules to self-acceptance, flexibility, and authentic connection.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Introduction to Perfectionism and its Impact
Defining Perfectionism: A Misnomer for 'Never Enough'
Personal and Physical Manifestations of Perfectionism
Perfectionism's Roots in Other Disorders and Life Experiences
The Paradox of Perfectionism: Seeking Connection, Finding Isolation
Understanding the Varied Forms of Perfectionism
Distinguishing Adaptive from Maladaptive Perfectionism
Shift 1: Changing Your Relationship with Self-Criticism
Shift 2: Prioritizing Values Over Performance
Shift 3: Embracing Flexibility Over Rigid Rules
Shift 4: Making Room for Mistakes
Shift 5: Overcoming Procrastination as Emotion Regulation
Shift 6: Shifting from Social Comparison to Contentment
Shift 7: Cultivating Authenticity and Warmth
Affirming Self-Adequacy for Resilience
7 Key Concepts
Perfectionism (as a misnomer)
It's less about striving for perfection and more about a persistent feeling of never being good enough. Individuals equate their performance with their character, believing they must perform superbly to be sufficient as a person.
Over-evaluation
This is the technical term for when one's evaluation of their work becomes an evaluation of themselves. It means self-worth becomes overly dependent on performance, leading to a conflation of what one does with who one is.
Conscientiousness
A personality trait described as the number one trait for a good life, involving self-control and a sense of right and wrong. It's considered the healthy heart of perfectionism when it doesn't overgrow into maladaptive forms.
Values (in therapy context)
Defined as continuous, intrinsically meaningful, under one's control, and freely chosen. They differ from goals and rules because they are not coercive or obligatory, and one is willing to tolerate discomfort for them, making actions feel like a 'want' rather than a 'should'.
Procrastination (as emotion regulation)
It's not primarily a time management problem, but rather a coping mechanism for emotional distress. When tasks feel overwhelming due to unrealistic standards, self-regulation deteriorates, and procrastination offers avoidance and immediate relief.
Social Comparison Theory
A hardwired human tendency to compare oneself to others. In perfectionism, it becomes problematic when used to determine self-worth, leading to self-esteem fluctuations based on limited metrics.
Competence and Warmth (dimensions of evaluation)
Susan Fisk's two dimensions by which humans evaluate each other. Competence is about skill and capability, while warmth is about kindness and good-heartedness. Warmth is determined first and carries more weight in making a good impression.
9 Questions Answered
Perfectionism is often a misnomer; it's less about striving for perfection and more about a deep-seated feeling of never being good enough, where one's self-worth is conflated with their performance.
While not a disorder itself, perfectionism is often at the core of diagnosable conditions like social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), eating disorders, and certain forms of treatment-resistant anxiety.
It stems from both genetic predispositions and environmental factors, including family dynamics (e.g., perfectionistic parents, helicopter parenting, contingent approval, chaotic environments) and societal pressures (e.g., capitalism, social media, competition).
Yes, there is a healthy form of perfectionism, often rooted in conscientiousness, where individuals strive for excellence and do good work for its own sake, setting high standards and caring deeply without equating performance to self-worth.
Instead of trying to eliminate self-criticism, you can change your relationship to it by acknowledging it as a natural part of your wiring without taking it literally or seriously, similar to background music you don't have to sing along to.
Rules are often rigid, all-or-nothing, and can be imposed on others, leading to a sense of obligation. Values, conversely, are continuous, intrinsically meaningful, under your control, and, most importantly, freely chosen, making actions feel like a 'want' rather than a 'should'.
Since procrastination is an emotion regulation problem, try breaking tasks into ridiculously small steps to reduce resistance. Also, connect with your future self more realistically, understanding that your future self won't magically be more motivated to do unpleasant tasks.
While comparison is hardwired, you can counter its negative effects by broadening the comparison points beyond a single metric. By including many diverse variables (both known and unknown), the comparison becomes too complex to determine your self-worth, leading to the conclusion that only you can determine your sufficiency.
Focus on cultivating warmth alongside competence. Instead of just trying to impress, share your knowledge with genuine enthusiasm ('look at this cool rock I found') and allow others to see a bit of your 'mess,' which signals trust and equality, fostering deeper connection.
23 Actionable Insights
1. Separate Self-Worth & Performance
Work to separate your self-worth from your performance, aiming for distance and perspective rather than complete overlap, as this distinction is crucial for healthy self-evaluation. Aim for small, incremental shifts (e.g., 5-10% difference) in this separation, rather than striving for a complete overhaul.
2. Shift Attention to Work
When evaluating tasks or performance, direct your attention towards the ‘work’ itself (what to do and how to do it) rather than focusing on self-evaluation, which generally leads to better performance and well-being.
3. Change Self-Criticism Relationship
Instead of trying to eliminate self-criticism, change your relationship with it by treating it like background noise; acknowledge its presence without engaging or taking it literally.
4. Cultivate Self-Compassion (Actions)
Practice self-compassion through self-kindness, non-judgmental mindfulness, and recognizing shared human experience. Express it through simple actions that ask ‘what do I need right now?’ or by using short, simple phrases like ’easy’ or ‘you’re okay.’
5. Live by Chosen Values
Transition from rigid, obligatory rules (‘have to’) to freely chosen values (‘want to’) that are continuous, intrinsically meaningful, and within your control, improving the quality of your experience.
6. Make Room for Mistakes
Maintain high standards but consciously create ‘room for mistakes’ by setting a non-zero, reasonable expectation for inevitable screw-ups, acknowledging that imperfection is part of being human.
7. Focus on Life’s Quality
Change your self-measurement from task completion (‘did I do the thing?’) to alignment with personal values (‘am I living the life I want to live? Am I being the person I want to be?’).
8. Break Tasks into Small Steps
Address procrastination, which is an emotion regulation problem, by breaking tasks into ‘ridiculously small’ steps to minimize resistance and facilitate starting. If resistance persists, break steps down even further.
9. Develop Realistic Future Self
Create a more realistic relationship with your future self, avoiding the assumption that they will be more motivated to tackle difficult tasks, which helps in getting started now.
10. Broaden Social Comparison
When comparing yourself to others, broaden the comparison points to include many diverse variables (known and unknown) to undermine the ‘am I good enough?’ question and reclaim self-sufficiency.
11. Prioritize Warmth in Interactions
Prioritize warmth (kindness, caring) over competence when making impressions, as warmth is evaluated first and carries more weight in human perception and connection. Intentionally add warmth to interactions by greeting people personally and focusing on sharing rather than performing.
12. Show Vulnerability for Connection
Cultivate deeper connection and belonging by showing vulnerability or ‘a little bit of your mess’ before everything is perfectly polished, signaling trust and equality to others.
13. Affirm Self-Adequacy with Truths
Buffer against self-esteem threats and life’s setbacks by affirming genuinely held truths about yourself (e.g., ‘I’m a great dad’), even if unrelated to the current situation, to maintain an overarching narrative of self-adequacy.
14. Recognize Perfectionism’s True Nature
Understand that perfectionism is fundamentally about a persistent feeling of ’never good enough’ and equating performance with character, rather than just striving for perfection.
15. Avoid All-or-Nothing Thinking
Resist all-or-nothing thinking when evaluating outcomes, as it creates a narrow definition of success and a wide gulf for perceived failure.
16. Resist Excessive Flaw Focus
Resist the tendency to focus excessively on flaws and minor details when evaluating overall outcomes, especially when other aspects went well.
17. Recognize Self-Defeating Cycle
Be aware of the self-defeating cycle where perfectionists either self-criticize for falling short or move goalposts when standards are met, preventing a sense of enoughness.
18. Distinguish Admiration from Belonging
Understand that admiration and being impressive are fundamentally different from true acceptance and belonging, and that pride and love are distinct.
19. Recognize Perfectionism’s Isolation
Be aware that the ‘armor’ of perfectionism, intended for protection, paradoxically creates a wall that separates you from others and prevents genuine connection.
20. Seek Supportive Environments/Community
To counter external pressures to prove belonging, seek out or advocate for environments with better representation and build a strong community to feel less alone.
21. Heed Physical Warning Signs
Recognize that prolonged ‘grinding’ due to perfectionism can lead to physical ailments and is unsustainable, signaling a critical need for change.
22. Practice Brahma Viharas Meditation
Engage in Brahma Viharas meditation (loving-kindness, compassion, equanimity, sympathetic joy) as a specific practice designed to be an antidote to anxiety, helping you navigate the world more skillfully and take it easier on yourself.
23. Attend Dan Harris’s Meditation Series
Participate in Dan Harris’s live guided meditations on Brahma Viharas, with the first session offered for free, to learn and practice these anxiety-reducing techniques.
7 Key Quotes
Perfectionism as a word is a bit of a misnomer when applied to the actual condition... it is less about striving to be perfect and more about never feeling good enough.
Ellen Hendrickson
The wall that we put up to try to protect ourselves from criticism and judgment acts as a wall that separates us from others. So we end up being on this pedestal, but that means we're alone.
Ellen Hendrickson
Admiration and being impressive is different fundamentally from being accepted or belonging. Again, pride and love are different.
Ellen Hendrickson
We don't see the world as it is, right? We see the world as we are.
Ellen Hendrickson
I expect excellence and I expect mistakes.
Dan Harris
Procrastination is not a time management problem... Procrastination is an emotion regulation problem.
Ellen Hendrickson
Warmth comes first and carries more weight in making a good impression on other people.
Ellen Hendrickson
3 Protocols
Shifting from Self-Criticism to Kindness
Ellen Hendrickson- Acknowledge that self-criticism is a natural part of your wiring.
- Listen to self-criticism like music at a coffee shop; hear it, but don't sing along or take it literally.
- Recognize that self-compassion can be expressed through actions, such as taking a warm shower or going to the gym, or giving yourself permission to skip an expected activity if needed.
- Turn towards your pain and suffering and ask, 'What do I need?' with care and understanding.
Overcoming Procrastination
Ellen Hendrickson- Break tasks down into steps so small you feel no resistance (e.g., peel a banana, find car keys).
- If you feel resistance, break the step down even more.
- Connect with your future self more realistically, understanding they won't magically be more motivated to do unpleasant tasks.
Making a Good Impression (Warmth over Competence)
Ellen Hendrickson- Focus on cultivating warmth alongside competence.
- Instead of over-preparing to the point of appearing wooden, prepare and practice sufficiently but not excessively.
- Greet people by name and engage in small talk before presenting.
- When presenting, focus on sharing knowledge and telling a story with genuine enthusiasm ('look at this cool rock I found') rather than trying to perform as an impressive expert.
- Allow people to see a bit of your 'mess' or work in progress, which signals trust and equality.