That Feeling of "Always-Behind and Never-Enough"—Here's the Antidote | Ellen Hendriksen
Clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen discusses overcoming perfectionism, defining it as a 'never feeling good enough' mindset. She outlines seven shifts to move from self-criticism to kindness, rigid rules to flexibility, and comparison to contentment, fostering authenticity.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Perfectionism and Anxiety
Defining Perfectionism: A Misnomer
Personal Manifestations of Perfectionism
Perfectionism's Link to Other Disorders
Origins of Perfectionism: Nature and Nurture
The Paradox of Performance and Connection
The 'Many Salads' of Perfectionism
Adaptive vs. Maladaptive Perfectionism
Shift 1: From Self-Criticism to Kindness
Shift 2: From Performance Focus to Living Your Life
Shift 3: From Rigid Rules to Flexibility and Values
Shift 4: From Holding onto Mistakes to Letting Go
Shift 5: From Procrastination to Productivity
Shift 6: From Comparison to Contentment
Shift 7: From Control to Authenticity and Warmth
Affirming Unquestionable Self-Truths
8 Key Concepts
Perfectionism
Demanding of oneself a level of performance higher than required for a situation, often equating performance with character. It's less about striving for perfection and more about a pervasive feeling of "never good enough."
Adaptive Perfectionism
Striving for excellence and doing good work for its own sake, setting high standards, and caring deeply. It's rooted in conscientiousness, a trait linked to self-control and a good life.
Maladaptive Perfectionism
When high standards become rigid, all-or-nothing, and are imposed on others, leading to self-criticism and a conflation of self-worth with performance. It often manifests as focusing on flaws and moving goalposts.
Over-evaluation
The process where one's evaluation of their work becomes overgrown and transforms into an evaluation of their self-worth. This is a core mechanism in maladaptive perfectionism, making performance a referendum on character.
Values (in Perfectionism)
Continuous, intrinsically meaningful, under one's control, and freely chosen principles that guide behavior. They differ from goals or rules because they are not coercive or obligatory, allowing for flexibility and a sense of "want" over "should."
Procrastination as Emotion Regulation
Procrastination is not primarily a time management issue but an emotional regulation problem. It serves as a coping mechanism to avoid aversive tasks that trigger distress, especially when perfectionistic standards make tasks feel overwhelming.
Social Comparison Theory
The hardwired human tendency to compare oneself to others, which becomes problematic in perfectionism when used to determine self-worth. This often involves comparing on limited metrics, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Competence and Warmth Dimensions
Two primary dimensions on which humans evaluate each other: competence (skill, talent) and warmth (kindness, caring). Warmth is evaluated first and carries more weight in making a good impression, often being sacrificed by perfectionists who over-focus on competence.
9 Questions Answered
Perfectionism is defined as demanding a level of performance higher than required, often equating self-worth with performance, and is fundamentally about never feeling good enough rather than striving for actual perfection.
While not a diagnosable disorder itself, perfectionism is a mindset or trait that lies at the heart of conditions like social anxiety, OCD, eating disorders, and some forms of treatment-resistant anxiety.
Perfectionism has both genetic components and environmental influences, including family dynamics (e.g., perfectionistic parents, contingent approval, chaotic environments) and societal pressures like competition, advertising, and social media.
The persona or "armor" built through perfectionistic self-presentation, while aiming for admiration, paradoxically creates a wall that separates individuals from genuine connection and belonging, leaving them feeling alone on a pedestal.
Yes, "adaptive perfectionism" involves striving for excellence and doing good work for its own sake, setting high standards, and caring deeply, rooted in conscientiousness, which is a key trait for a good life.
Instead of trying to eliminate self-criticism, you can change your relationship to it by listening to it like background music without singing along, or by practicing self-compassion through simple words or concrete actions like taking care of your physical needs.
Procrastination, being an emotion regulation problem, can be addressed by breaking tasks into "ridiculously small" steps to reduce resistance and by cultivating a more realistic relationship with your future self, understanding they won't magically be motivated.
To combat social comparison, broaden your comparison points beyond a single metric by including many diverse variables (e.g., education, support, mental health challenges). This makes it clear that self-worth cannot be determined by comparing to others.
Prioritize warmth and authenticity over pure competence by greeting people, sharing your knowledge with genuine enthusiasm (like showing a "cool rock"), and allowing others to see you before everything is perfectly polished, which signals trust and equality.
8 Actionable Insights
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with kindness, using simple words like “you’re okay,” or through actions like taking a warm shower or deciding to skip the gym for more sleep, rather than generating elaborate self-compassionate statements. This helps change your relationship with self-criticism by acknowledging it without internalizing it.
2. Focus on the Work, Not Self-Evaluation
Direct your attention like a spotlight onto the task itself, rather than on your performance or self-worth. This shift from “evaluation to information” improves performance and reduces negative feelings, as seen in Coach Wooden’s method of giving players information instead of praise or criticism.
3. Live by Freely Chosen Values
Differentiate between obligatory “rules” and intrinsically meaningful, freely chosen “values” that are continuous and under your control. This allows for flexibility and transforms duties into desires, making actions feel like a “want” rather than a “should.”
4. Keep High Standards, Allow Mistakes
Maintain your high standards for performance but consciously make room for inevitable mistakes, understanding that they are part of being human. Acknowledge that a non-zero percentage of errors is reasonable, which provides necessary wiggle room without lowering overall quality.
5. Break Down Tasks to Overcome Procrastination
Combat procrastination by breaking tasks into “ridiculously small” steps that generate no resistance, making it easier to start. Additionally, cultivate a more realistic relationship with your future self, understanding they won’t magically be motivated to do everything you put off.
6. Broaden Comparison Points for Contentment
Counter social comparison by expanding the metrics you use to evaluate yourself beyond a single dimension (e.g., fitness or job title). By including many diverse variables, you realize that self-worth cannot be outsourced to others, leading to a conclusion that only you can determine your sufficiency.
7. Prioritize Warmth and Authenticity
When interacting with others, especially in professional settings, prioritize showing warmth, care, and realness alongside your competence. This builds trust and connection, as people evaluate warmth first, and sharing a bit of your “mess” signals trust and equality.
8. Affirm Unquestionable Self-Truths
To buffer against self-esteem threats, affirm what you know to be genuinely and unquestionably true about yourself, even if unrelated to the current situation. This builds an overarching narrative of self-adequacy, strengthening your resilience against life’s setbacks.
7 Key Quotes
Perfectionism as a word is a bit of a misnomer when applied to the actual condition... because the mindset through my own experience and observing that of clients and the research shows that it is less about striving to be perfect and more about never feeling good enough.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
The wall that we put up to try to protect ourselves from criticism and judgment acts as a wall that separates us from others. So, we end up being on this pedestal, but that means we're alone.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
We don't see the world as it is, right? We see the world as we are.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
I expect excellence and I expect mistakes.
Dan Harris
Procrastination is not a time management problem... Procrastination is an emotion regulation problem.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
Warmth comes first and carries more weight in making a good impression on other people.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
When we show people a little bit of what's under the rug or allow them to see us before everything is perfectly polished... we're sending two messages. We're saying, I trust you... And two, we are the same.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen
1 Protocols
Seven Shifts to Address Perfectionism
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen- Shift from self-criticism to kindness.
- Shift from performance focus to coming home to your life (living the life you want).
- Shift from rigid rules to flexibility and values.
- Shift from holding onto mistakes to letting go (making room for mistakes).
- Shift from procrastination to productivity (using small steps and connecting with future self).
- Shift from comparison to contentment (broadening comparison points).
- Shift from control to authenticity (prioritizing warmth and realness).