The Art of Growing Up, Jerry Colonna
Dan Harris and executive coach Jerry Colonna discuss using work as an opportunity for deep personal growth. They explore confronting "unsorted baggage" from childhood, practicing radical self-inquiry, and how leaders' unexamined issues impact entire organizations.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
Introduction: Work as an Opportunity for Self-Discovery
Jerry Colonna's Background and Book 'Reboot'
Leadership Beyond Positional Power
Core Thesis: Work Challenges as Growth Opportunities
How to Practice Radical Self-Inquiry
Using Red, Yellow, Green for Emotional Check-ins
Impact of Unexamined Pathology on Organizations
The Moral Responsibility of Leaders to Do Their Work
Inspiring Excellence Without Using Fear
Psychological Safety in Teams and the Workplace
Remaking the Workplace: Alleviating Suffering
Dan Harris's Relationship to Money: The Hotel Regina Story
Jerry Colonna's Relationship to Money: The Lemon Drops Story
Journaling Prompts for Self-Inquiry
Responding to Failure and Disappointment
Unconditional Positive Regard and Love
Insight Practices vs. Emotional Work & Spiritual Bypassing
Overcoming Productivity Shame
8 Key Concepts
Leadership Journey
This refers to the process of challenging oneself to grow, confronting and working with the 'unsorted baggage' of one's childhood. It views work challenges as opportunities for personal development and becoming a better leader and person.
Crucible of Leadership
These are challenging moments in one's adult or work life where the way an individual chooses to respond determines the entire trajectory of their leadership path. It's a concept that highlights pivotal experiences for growth.
Radical Self-Inquiry
A term coined to describe a fundamental Buddhist principle of sitting still and observing what is actually going on internally. It involves using practices like meditation and journaling to ask open questions about one's reactions and feelings, without needing external guidance.
Red, Yellow, Green Check-in
A simple technique, rooted in polyvagal theory, that uses colors to identify and communicate emotional states (red for anxious/not present, yellow for in-between, green for fully present). It serves as a mindfulness exercise to ground individuals and foster connection without delving into detailed explanations.
Psychological Safety
Identified as a common denominator among the most successful teams, this concept means it is safe to speak up, operate without fear, and ensure all voices are heard. It fosters an environment where talented people can do their best work and grow.
Spiritual Bypass
This occurs when an individual uses their spiritual practice to avoid confronting or feeling into the difficult aspects of their experience. An example given is using loving-kindness meditation as a defensive strategy to sidestep anger or distress.
Productivity Shame
The feeling of guilt or self-reproach for not being productive enough, often stemming from taking on too many tasks or having unrealistic expectations for one's output. It can lead to beating oneself up for perceived lack of accomplishment.
Unconditional Positive Regard
A concept from psychotherapy, essentially meaning unconditional love. It describes the ability to accept oneself or others totally, down to their bones, even when they fail, disappoint, or exhibit 'incorrigible' traits.
9 Questions Answered
No, the book is relevant for anyone, regardless of positional power, because everyone has moments of leadership and opportunities to use life's challenges for personal growth and to confront their 'unsorted baggage' from childhood.
The first step is recognizing the existence of internal challenges. Then, practice 'radical self-inquiry' by sitting still, looking inward, and asking open questions like 'Why am I upset?' or 'Is this threat true?' Journaling is also a powerful tool for this process.
Many people live in a constant state of fast-forward, running through life at high speed. When they pause and genuinely ask themselves how they are feeling, they drop the daily nonsense and often connect with underlying sadness that is usually suppressed.
It's a simple technique to identify emotional states using colors (red for anxious/not present, yellow for in-between, green for fully present). It allows individuals to connect with themselves and others without needing to explain the full story behind their feelings, serving as a mindfulness exercise.
When leaders with positional power don't address their 'unsorted baggage' from childhood, their unexamined pathology amplifies and infects everyone throughout the power structure, creating a toxic environment that can even impact employees' families and mental health.
No, meditation is not enough on its own, but it serves as the ground upon which the process of 'doing our work' begins. This work involves slowing down, checking in, asking challenging questions, and consciously choosing who we want to be as adults.
A Google study found that the common denominator among the most successful teams was 'psychological safety,' meaning it was okay for team members to speak up, operate without fear, and ensure all voices were heard, fostering an environment of equity.
Insight practices focus on gaining insight into the nature of the mind and reality, observing how thoughts and emotions come and go without getting overly analytical about their substance. Emotional work, conversely, involves looking at the substance of one's emotions, childhood experiences, and relationships, often through methods like psychotherapy.
One approach is to re-evaluate basic expectations for the amount of work one can or should be doing, recognizing that taking on too much can lead to shame. Using mindfulness to observe the inner narrator's nastiness and practicing self-compassion, such as loving-kindness meditation, can also be helpful.
23 Actionable Insights
1. Use Work for Personal Growth
Actively use the challenges and difficulties encountered at work as opportunities to confront and understand personal “stuff” or unexamined baggage, which can lead to professional improvement and personal growth.
2. Practice Radical Self-Inquiry
Sit still and look inward to understand what is truly happening within yourself, especially when faced with challenges or strong emotions, to gain clarity and self-awareness.
3. Consciously Choose Adult Self
Actively choose the kind of leader and adult you want to be, and when you fail to live up to that aspiration, practice self-compassion by “blowing yourself a kiss, dusting yourself off, and trying again the next day.”
4. Practice “Doing Your Work”
Consciously stop, stand still, slow down, and check in with yourself, pausing to question the stories you tell yourself about your day and whether they are true, to avoid acting from an unhealthy place.
5. Journal for Self-Reflection
Regularly write down your thoughts and reactions, especially when upset or challenged, to explore “what’s really going on for me” and learn from your responses without needing to talk to anyone.
6. Meditate for Self-Inquiry
Utilize your meditation practice to facilitate radical self-inquiry by observing your internal states and reactions, helping you understand underlying emotions and motivations.
7. Daily Emotional Check-in
Regularly pause and ask yourself, “How am I really feeling right now?” to connect with your true emotional state, which can prevent impulsive or inhumane reactions driven by unexamined feelings.
8. Use Specific Journaling Prompts
Engage with specific journaling prompts, such as those about your relationship to money or family belief systems, to uncover childhood structures driving present decisions and gain deeper self-understanding.
9. Leaders: Address Personal Baggage
If you are in a leadership position, take responsibility for confronting and working through your personal “unsorted baggage” from childhood, as failing to do so can create a toxic environment that negatively impacts employees and their families.
10. Lead by Inspiration, Not Fear
Strive to lead in a way that inspires the best in people and demands excellence, without using fear as a driver, to create an environment where individuals can grow and actualize their best adult selves.
11. Foster Psychological Safety
Create an environment of psychological safety where team members feel safe to speak up, where all voices are heard, and where there is equity, as this is a common denominator for highly successful teams.
12. Leaders Model Psychological Safety
As a leader, model psychological safety within yourself by being vulnerable and open, constantly checking into your purpose and vision, to create a sense of connectedness and esprit de corps in your team.
13. Ask: “Would My Child Work Here?”
Leaders should ask themselves, “If my child were to come to work for my company, how would I feel?” If you don’t feel pride and happiness, it indicates a need to improve your leadership and the work environment.
14. Use Red, Yellow, Green
Implement the “red, yellow, green” technique in meetings or personal reflections to quickly identify and communicate emotional states (red=anxious/not present, yellow=in-between/okay, green=fully present), fostering self-awareness and mutual understanding without delving into detailed stories.
15. Practice Unconditional Love
Strive to accept yourself totally, down to your bones, and extend unconditional love to others, even when they disappoint you or when relationships end, recognizing that everyone disappoints and hurts each other.
16. Respond to Failure with Growth
When you or others fail or disappoint, use it as an opportunity for growth and renewal, rather than self-recrimination or judgment, by building a “stairway to renewal” for yourself and others.
17. Examine Your Money Relationship
Deeply inquire into how your relationship with money was first formed, how it shapes your work choices and definitions of success/failure, and how it impacts your sense of worthiness, to understand its unconscious drivers.
18. Re-evaluate Productivity Expectations
Address “productivity shame” by examining and potentially lowering your basic expectations for the amount of work you can or should be doing, as taking on too much often leads to feelings of inadequacy.
19. Sit with Inactivity’s Awkwardness
When feeling guilty about resting or not being productive, simply sit with the awkwardness of not knowing how to be when not engaged in agenda-oriented activities, using mindfulness to observe these feelings without judgment.
20. Practice Self-Compassion for Shame
When experiencing “productivity shame” or a nasty inner narrator, use mindfulness to recognize the spiral and “change the channel,” potentially by practicing loving-kindness meditation for yourself.
21. Engage in Psychotherapy
Use psychotherapy to explore work-related issues and how they trigger personal “stuff” from your past, leveraging the therapeutic relationship for deeper self-understanding.
22. Separate Insight & Emotional Work
Understand that insight practices (like mindfulness meditation) and emotional work (like psychotherapy) are distinct and should generally be done separately, as insight practices focus on mental processes while emotional work addresses the substance of your emotions and life stories.
23. Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Be aware of spiritual bypassing, which is using spiritual practices (like loving-kindness meditation) to avoid feeling into difficult aspects of your experience, and instead, confront your anger or distress directly.
7 Key Quotes
The treasure you seek is in the back of the cave.
Jerry Colonna (quoting Joseph Campbell)
I just ask people to stop, sit still, look inward, and ask themselves how they're feeling. And Dan, it's heartbreaking. But most people, when they pause and they listen to the chatter inside, they start to feel sad.
Jerry Colonna
You leave your life, you leave your reality at the door when you walk into business. And the truth is none of us do that. All the best we can manage is to suppress it.
Jerry Colonna
When those who have that power don't do their work, don't take responsibility for the unsorted baggage that they're carrying since childhood, they infect and affect everyone throughout the power structure.
Jerry Colonna
Good work done well for the right reasons.
Jerry Colonna (quoting David White)
May, when those who fail or disappoint you, may your response be their stairway to renewal.
Jerry Colonna (quoting John O'Donoghue)
I love you and there's nothing you can do about it.
Dan Harris (quoting Tracy Morgan)
3 Protocols
Radical Self-Inquiry Practice
Jerry Colonna- Recognize that internal challenges or a 'back of the cave' exist.
- Sit still and look at what's actually going on internally, using practices like meditation.
- Ask yourself a series of open questions, such as: 'Why am I upset in this moment?', 'What's the threat I'm feeling?', 'Is that threat really true?'
- Be willing to listen to the answers that arise.
- Consider journaling about your insights and reactions for deeper exploration.
Emotional Check-in for Meetings
Jerry Colonna- Use the 'red, yellow, green' color system to identify your current emotional state (red = anxious/not present, yellow = in-between, green = fully present).
- Share your color with colleagues.
- Allow space for others to define any color in between (e.g., 'orange trending towards fire engine red').
- Ground yourselves in this awareness without needing to go into the full story behind why you feel that way.
- Proceed with the meeting from this grounded and connected place.
Journaling Prompts for Self-Exploration
Jerry Colonna- Reflect on your relationship to money: How was it first formed? How does it shape your work choices, definitions of success/failure, and view of others' contributions? What belief systems around money and work did you grow up with, and how do they impact your self-worthiness?
- Explore your personal identity and leadership: Who have you been all your life, and what can that person teach you about becoming the leader you want to be?
- Consider vulnerability: What stories did your family tell about being real, vulnerable, or true? What do you believe about vulnerability, and how might it serve you?
- Examine organizational culture and adulting: How would your organization respond if all unspoken things were heard? What does it mean to be a leader and a fully actualized adult in your organization? How would you feel if your children worked for your company or team? How has your 'unsorted baggage' shaped you as a leader? What do you believe to be true about the world (e.g., dog-eat-dog vs. mutual support)?
- Define your aspirations and build resilience: What kind of leader and adult do you want to be? How do you respond when you fail yourself (beating yourself up vs. growing)? How do you respond when people disappoint you, aiming for renewal rather than resentment?