The Best Way To Feel Calm (Is to Not Try To Feel Calm)
Dan Harris addresses common meditation challenges in a live Q&A, including navigating grief, overcoming the addiction to calm, achieving easeful concentration, and managing restlessness. He emphasizes that meditation's purpose is to relate differently to present feelings, not to achieve a specific state.
Deep Dive Analysis
9 Topic Outline
Introduction to Session Topics and Henry Shookman Technique
Understanding Non-Duality and the Illusion of Self
Meditating Through Grief and Situational Sadness
Addressing the Addiction to Feeling Calm in Meditation
Achieving Easeful Concentration Without Straining
Effectiveness of Guided Meditations vs. Unguided Practice
Clarifying the 'Third Eye' in Body Scan Meditations
Meditating with ADHD and Physical Restlessness
Pushing Meditation Duration: 8-10 Minutes and Beyond
7 Key Concepts
Non-Duality / Self as Illusion
This concept suggests that our solid sense of self is not a fixed entity but rather a mystery, a flow, or a process, similar to a river. Understanding this can be freeing, making powerful emotions and opinions seem more transitory, impermanent, and workable.
The Not Finding is the Finding
From the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, this idea refers to the liberating realization that when you look for a core, solid nugget of self, you won't find it. This 'not finding' is itself the discovery, challenging our limiting perceptions of who we are.
Mental Noting
A technique used to create distance from rumination or thoughts during meditation. By labeling thoughts (e.g., 'thinking, thinking' or 'planning'), you observe the rumination as a process rather than engaging with its content.
Meditation as Surfing
This metaphor describes learning to navigate powerful, justifiable emotions with more smoothness, rather than being overwhelmed or 'swamped' by them. The goal is to sit with difficult feelings with nonjudgmental, open, and curious awareness.
Addiction to Calm
Many meditators, consciously or subconsciously, go into practice with an agenda to feel calm, which can become a hindrance. The point of meditation is not to feel any particular way, but to mindfully feel whatever is present, seeing desire clearly as 'wanting' or 'craving'.
Attitude Check
A helpful phrase to spot unseen agendas or desires that might be blocking meditation progress. By asking 'what's the attitude in the mind right now?', one can become aware of underlying motivations, preventing them from driving the practice.
Easeful Concentration
Unlike most life endeavors, concentration in meditation is not achieved by trying harder, but by relaxing back into commitment to the chosen focus object (e.g., breath). It emerges naturally from calmly and repeatedly returning attention when distracted.
7 Questions Answered
The point of meditation is not to feel any particular way, but to learn to relate differently to whatever is already present in your mind and body. It's about feeling your feelings clearly and mindfully to gain self-awareness and freedom from being swamped by them.
Instead of trying to push thoughts out, use mental noting to observe rumination as a process, creating distance from the content. For emotions, bring mindfulness to the physiological sensations in your body to understand their constituent parts, allowing you to navigate them more smoothly.
Recognize that the desire for calm is a hindrance; the goal is not to force a particular state. Instead, focus on your chosen object of attention (e.g., breath) and mindfully observe any desire for calm, labeling it as 'wanting' or 'craving' to create distance.
Concentration in meditation emerges from relaxing back into commitment to your focus object, not from trying harder. Regularly perform an 'attitude check' to spot any unseen agendas or desires to force a state, and gently return to the breath whenever distracted.
No, guided meditations are not merely training wheels; they can be extremely powerful, especially when delivering wisdom and reminding you of the practice's core principles. The most important thing is simply doing the meditation, whether guided or unguided.
Don't focus on forcing relaxation; instead, consider moving meditations like walking meditation, which can be very helpful. Bring your attention to the physical sensations of walking and use mental noting (e.g., 'hot,' 'cool,' 'hardness') to stay engaged when distracted.
While 8-10 minutes daily is excellent and perfectly fine, it can be beneficial to gently push yourself a little longer (e.g., 12 or 15 minutes) occasionally, if you feel up to it. However, avoid over-optimizing or pushing too hard, and don't do it out of a sense of insufficiency.
20 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace All Feelings in Meditation
The point of meditation is not to force or avoid any particular feeling, but to feel whatever is present clearly and mindfully. This allows you to sit with difficult emotions with nonjudgmental, open, curious awareness.
2. Don’t Force Concentration
Understand that focus and concentration in meditation cannot be achieved by trying harder; instead, it emerges from relaxing back into the practice and gently redirecting attention. Over-efforting can lead to tension and headaches.
3. Surrender and Re-engage
Surrender to the basic logistics of your meditation practice, and periodically check for any hidden agendas trying to take over. When you notice desire or distraction, label it, acknowledge it, and gently return your attention to your chosen anchor, like the breath.
4. Cultivate Calm, Consistent Return
Concentration emerges from calmly and consistently recommitting to your chosen anchor (e.g., breath or body sensations) every time you get distracted. Relax back into the practice and gently start again each time your mind wanders.
5. Use Mental Noting for Rumination
When experiencing rumination, use mental noting by labeling thoughts as ’thinking’ or ‘planning’ to create distance and observe the rumination as a process rather than engaging with the content of the thoughts. This helps you notice thoughts without being entangled in them.
6. Investigate Emotions Physically
Bring mindfulness to difficult emotions by investigating their physiological constituent parts, observing where they show up in your body. This practice helps you navigate powerful emotions with more smoothness, preventing you from being swamped by them.
7. Try Walking Meditation for Restlessness
If you struggle with restlessness or an ‘ADHD brain,’ try a moving meditation, specifically walking meditation, as it can be very helpful. Don’t overly focus on achieving relaxation during meditation.
8. Practice Mindful Walking
When practicing walking meditation, walk at a slow to normal pace, bringing your attention to the physical sensations of walking. Use mental noting (e.g., ‘hot,’ ‘cool,’ ‘hardness,’ ’tension’) to stay present, and gently return your attention to the sensations every time you get distracted.
9. Label Desire and Craving
Recognize that the desire to feel a certain way can be a hindrance in meditation; work with it by clearly seeing and labeling it as ‘wanting’ or ‘craving.’ Labeling helps create distance, preventing you from being entangled in the desire.
10. Perform an ‘Attitude Check’
To spot unseen agendas blocking meditation progress, ask yourself, ‘What’s the attitude in the mind right now?’ or simply use ‘attitude check.’ This helps you become aware of underlying desires or expectations, preventing them from owning your practice.
11. Use ‘It’s Okay’ Mantra
Adopt the mantra ‘It’s okay’ to acknowledge and accept your feelings, understanding that it means ‘it’s okay to feel this thing,’ not that the situation itself is okay. This can be a liberating idea, helping you sit with difficult emotions.
12. Look for Inner ‘CEO’
Look for the part of yourself that’s trying to hold everything together, like an inner CEO or hall monitor, as this can be a poignant and powerful self-observation. The purpose is to realize that you won’t find a ‘core nugget of self,’ which can be freeing.
13. Sit with Counterintuitive Ideas
Gently sit with counterintuitive ideas, such as the self being a mystery or a process, over time, as they can gradually begin to make sense and help you see powerful emotions as transitory.
14. Accept Non-Understanding
Don’t worry if you don’t understand concepts like non-duality or the self being an illusion, as it’s fine not to grasp them immediately. Sitting with these counterintuitive ideas over time can help them start to make sense.
15. Prioritize Doing Meditation
Prioritize simply doing meditation, as the best kind is the one you actually practice, regardless of whether it’s guided or unguided. Consistency in practice is more important than the specific format.
16. Utilize Guided Meditations
Utilize guided meditations, especially if you find them helpful, as skilled guides can deliver wisdom and reminders about the practice, such as the importance of gently starting again after distraction. This can be particularly powerful in sensitive emotional states.
17. Value Consistent Short Meditations
Recognize that consistent meditation, even for just 8-10 minutes daily, is highly valuable and perfectly sufficient. Do not stress about needing to go longer if that’s your current capacity.
18. Gently Challenge Your Practice
If you feel up for it, gently challenge yourself to extend your meditation practice slightly, perhaps from 8-10 minutes to 12 or 15 minutes occasionally. However, if you’re at your capacity, maintain your current routine without pushing too hard.
19. Experiment with Unguided Meditation
If you primarily use guided meditations, consider experimenting with unguided sessions occasionally, but don’t feel pressured or ‘sweaty’ about it.
20. Avoid Over-Optimizing
Be careful not to push yourself too hard or over-optimize your meditation practice, as excessive striving can be counterproductive and lead to suffering for yourself and others.
5 Key Quotes
The not finding is the finding.
Dan Harris (quoting Tibetan Buddhist tradition)
The point in meditation is not to try not to feel a certain way or to try to feel or to force some sort of emotion that we're not doing that. We're just being cool with what is here and to be mindful of it, which allows us to sit with this difficult stuff with a kind of nonjudgmental, open, curious awareness.
Dan Harris
It's okay. It does not mean the situation is okay. It means it's okay to feel this thing.
Dan Harris (quoting Joseph Goldstein)
The best kind of meditation is the kind of meditation you actually do.
Dan Harris
You're perfect and you could use a little improvement.
Dan Harris (quoting a Zen teacher)
2 Protocols
Meditating with Rumination and Strong Emotions
Dan Harris- For rumination (thinking): Use mental noting, labeling thoughts as 'thinking, thinking' or 'planning' to create distance and observe the process.
- For emotions (often in the body): Bring mindfulness to the physiological sensations, investigating where the emotion shows up in the body and its constituent parts.
Walking Meditation for Restlessness/ADHD
Dan Harris- Walk at a slow pace (can be super slow or slightly slower than normal).
- Bring your attention to the physical sensations of walking (e.g., hot/cool air, hardness of the ground, tension, tingling).
- Every time you get distracted, gently start again, returning attention to the sensations.
- Optionally, use mental noting (e.g., 'hot,' 'cool,' 'hardness') to help keep you engaged.