The Gulf Between Your Internal Life And How The World Sees You | Anna Marie Tendler
Anna Marie Tendler, an artist and writer, discusses her experience checking into a psychiatric hospital in 2021, her journey with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and the profound impact men and societal patriarchy have had on her life and mental health.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Introduction to Anna Marie Tendler and Her Memoir
Circumstances Leading to Psychiatric Hospitalization
Understanding the Reasons Behind Self-Harm
Introduction to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Applying DBT Skills to Manage Difficult Emotions
Experience Inside a Private Psychiatric Hospital
The Gap Between Internal Feelings and External Perception
Exploring the Book's Central Theme: Men and Patriarchy
Impact of Men's Actions on Women's Self-Perception
Reclaiming Self and Navigating Relationships Authentically
Evolving Views on Motherhood and Raising Children
Childhood Influences and Adapting to the World
How Sexism Negatively Impacts Both Men and Women
Addressing Male Stonewalling and Underlying Fears
Current State of Emotional Well-being and Growth
5 Key Concepts
Self-Harm
Self-harm, for Anna Marie Tendler, was a destructive coping mechanism used to deal with overwhelming emotions, anger, and a feeling of lack of control, particularly during her teenage years. It provided a tangible, controllable pain that made sense when internal emotional pain did not, though it is not a recommended coping skill.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
DBT is a form of therapy originally developed for individuals with bipolar and borderline personality disorders, but also effective for addiction, self-harm, and mood issues. It involves five modules, including mindfulness, teaching individuals to act opposite to destructive instincts and substitute constructive coping skills during crises and daily life, typically taking about six months to complete all modules.
Emotional Mind and Wise Mind
These are concepts within the mindfulness module of DBT. The 'emotional mind' refers to immediate, instinctual emotional reactions, while the 'wise mind' is a more balanced state that allows for separation from these initial emotions to approach situations more thoughtfully and effectively.
Interior vs. Exterior Self
This concept describes the often painful disparity between how one feels internally (e.g., anxiety, depression, self-doubt) and how one is perceived externally by the world (e.g., high-functioning, reliable, sturdy). Recognizing this gap can be a significant step toward healing and self-understanding.
Psychic Constipation (Shame)
Shame is described as a state that 'stops everything up,' preventing positive outcomes and disincentivizing self-reflection. It creates a story that looking at the shame will only make things worse, hindering personal growth and open communication in relationships.
9 Questions Answered
A combination of long-standing mental health issues, the COVID-19 pandemic exacerbating germophobia, personal life struggles, medication adjustments, finishing graduate school, and experiencing severe suicidal ideation and self-harm led to her therapist recommending inpatient care.
For Anna Marie Tendler, self-harm was a destructive way to cope with overwhelming emotions, anger, and a feeling of being out of control, providing a sense of control and a visible, understandable pain when internal emotional pain was incomprehensible.
DBT is a therapy that teaches life skills through five modules, including mindfulness, to help individuals manage emotions, act opposite to destructive instincts, and develop constructive coping skills. It enables access to these skills during acute stress, grief, or panic attacks, improving emotional regulation and interpersonal relationships.
Anna Marie Tendler describes her experience as having a comforting, contained monotony with a set routine of groups and activities. She found it quiet and still, especially during her stay in early January, allowing for close relationships with other patients.
This gap arises when an individual presents a sturdy, high-functioning exterior while experiencing intense internal anxiety, depression, and self-doubt. It can lead to feelings of isolation, misunderstanding, and being constantly on the precipice of intense emotional flooding.
She refers to the social construct of patriarchy and the unacknowledged ease with which men often move through the world, leading to insensitivity or lack of awareness regarding women's safety concerns and experiences, rather than individual men being inherently bad.
When men lie or dismiss women's concerns by calling them 'crazy' or 'overreacting,' it erodes women's trust in their own intuition and intelligence. When the truth eventually comes out, the intense emotional reaction from the woman is often a warranted response to prolonged invalidation.
By not getting lost in the other person and maintaining a distinct sense of self, recovery can be faster. This involves being true to oneself, being okay with potential rejection, and understanding that one's self-worth is not dependent on how someone else experiences them.
Men are urged to look beneath their anger for underlying fears, such as the fear of being incapable of love or being a bad partner. Identifying and articulating these fears, rather than stonewalling or reacting defensively, can disarm conflict and lead to more constructive conversations.
16 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)
Consider engaging in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), a structured program that teaches mindfulness, constructive coping skills, and effective interpersonal communication, as it can be life-changing for managing emotions, addiction, and self-harm.
2. Practice Respond, Not React
When intense emotions arise, pause to take deep breaths, identify the facts of the situation, separate them from assumptions, and then consciously choose a constructive coping skill or response. This practice helps interrupt instinctive emotional reactions and allows for more thoughtful engagement.
3. Access Your Wise Mind
Cultivate your ‘wise mind’ by consciously separating yourself from immediate emotional reactions, a mindfulness technique that helps approach situations with greater clarity and less impulsivity.
4. Interrupt Acute Panic Physiologically
To quickly stop a panic attack, submerge your face in an ice bath while holding your breath, as this physiological response can trigger a survival mechanism that disarms the panic.
5. Acknowledge Internal-External Discrepancy
Reflect on the potential gap between your internal emotional experience and how you are perceived externally, as recognizing this dichotomy can be a crucial step toward healing anxiety and depression.
6. Address Underlying Fear in Conflict
When experiencing anger or a tendency to stonewall in conflicts, pause to identify the underlying fear or trigger within yourself, as understanding this root cause can significantly improve relationships.
7. Disarm Conflict with Vulnerability
Neutralize conflict quickly by vulnerably expressing your true underlying feelings, such as fear, rather than reacting defensively, which can foster empathy and constructive dialogue.
8. Offer Reassurance During Conflict
When addressing conflict, explicitly state that your concerns are about actions or situations, not an accusation that the other person is ‘bad,’ to help them overcome shame and engage more openly.
9. Consider Preventative Couples Counseling
Engage in couples counseling proactively, even when your relationship is stable, to develop stronger communication skills and deepen understanding with your partner.
10. Cultivate Authentic Relationships
Prioritize bringing your authentic self to relationships, accepting the risk of rejection rather than contorting your personality to please others, which leads to more genuine connections.
11. Build Distress Tolerance for Rejection
Develop the capacity to sit with uncomfortable emotions like rejection, understanding that these feelings are normal and do not diminish your inherent worth.
12. Learn from Relationships for Growth
Actively use romantic relationships as opportunities for personal growth, learning about your triggers, needs, and desires through interactions with others.
13. Manage Big Emotions with Sturdiness
Develop the ability to acknowledge, sit with, and communicate your intense emotions, then consciously let them go, preventing them from overwhelming your entire experience.
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5 Key Quotes
You, there's a you inside that feels invisible to those looking at you from the outside.
Doctor (quoting)
The lying, the underplaying on their side makes us doubt our intuition and intelligence. So eventually when suspicions are confirmed, when we find out that we have been correct all along, we do go batshit fucking crazy and it is warranted.
Anna Marie Tendler (from her book)
I don't hate men. I still want to fuck them. I still want to love them. I've simply changed the way I relate to them and what of myself I'm willing to give. I no longer get lost inside the abyss of the other. There is space between us now.
Anna Marie Tendler (from her book)
I'm saying this to you and I don't think that you're a bad person. I want to be clear that I'm not saying that you're a bad person.
Anna Marie Tendler
Now I'm a new person. Life has in no way gotten easier in so many ways it has become harder, but I've become sturdier. I'm now a sturdy person. Someone who feels tremendous emotions, but who knows how to acknowledge those feelings, sit with them, communicate them if need be, and then let them go.
Anna Marie Tendler (from her book)
1 Protocols
Applying DBT in a Crisis or Difficult Situation
Anna Marie Tendler- Stop and take deep, aware breaths, avoiding sudden actions.
- Repeat back to yourself the facts of what is happening, identifying the specific trigger or emotion (e.g., anxiety about an interview).
- Perform 'checking the facts' to separate objective facts from personal assumptions and immediate emotional instincts.
- Engage in coping skills that work for you, such as taking three deep breaths (inhale 3, hold 3, exhale 6) or going for a walk.
- Allow your brain time to process, separate emotion from facts, and decide how you want to respond rather than react.