The Likeability Trap, Alicia Menendez
Alicia Menendez, an award-winning journalist and author of "The Likeability Trap," discusses the pervasive pressure on women in the workplace to balance strength and warmth, often facing penalties regardless of their approach. She and Dan Harris explore strategies for individuals and organizations to navigate subjective feedback, unconscious bias, and the complex dynamics of likability and authenticity.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Alicia Menendez and The Likeability Trap
Alicia's Personal Journey and the Origins of Her Interest in Likability
The 'Goldilocks Conundrum' for Women in the Workplace
The Performance of Toughness and Self-Correction in Professional Environments
Subjective Feedback and Aesthetic Critique for Women in Media
Structural Imbalance in Feedback for Men vs. Women
The Three Likability Traps: Goldilocks, Authenticity, and Success Penalties
Societal and Organizational Approaches to Addressing Likability Bias
Individual Strategies for Women to Navigate Subjective Feedback
Advice for Men on Giving Feedback and Interacting with Women
Alicia's Current Relationship with Caring What Others Think
The 'Cardi B Effect' and Intersectional Likability Challenges
Coach K's 'Coaching Like a Girl' and Incorporating Female-Coded Traits
Dan Harris's Advice on Dealing with Overthinking: 'Is This Useful?'
Listener Voicemail: Meditating in an Erratic Environment
Listener Voicemail: Mindfully Remembering Death
6 Key Concepts
Goldilocks Conundrum
This describes the situation where women in the workplace are constantly told they are either 'too much' (assertive, strong) or 'not enough' (warm, communal). They are expected to modulate their behavior to be 'just right,' which is often subjective and contradictory feedback.
Likability Trap
This refers to a series of challenges women face in professional settings. It encompasses the Goldilocks conundrum, the conflicting demand for authenticity while also needing to 'gender-correct' behavior, and the 'success likability penalty' where competence in women can lead to being less liked.
Success Likability Penalty
This is the phenomenon where a woman's likability tends to decrease as her success increases. It's often presumed that highly competent women are less fun to work with or must have been overly ambitious, which can violate societal expectations for women to be communal and advocate for others.
Innuendo Effect
This fascinating concept describes how when only certain traits are mentioned in feedback (e.g., 'Jill is sweet'), the absence of other traits (e.g., assertiveness) is often inferred. This can lead to biased perceptions based on what is left unsaid in an evaluation.
Psychological Safety
This is a condition within a team where members feel safe to take interpersonal risks, such as speaking up, sharing ideas, or admitting mistakes, without fear of negative consequences. Research by Google found that teams with high psychological safety are often the best performing.
Constructive Anguish
This term differentiates useful rumination from unproductive overthinking. It involves asking the question 'Is this useful?' to determine if the thought process is leading to a concrete solution or merely draining mental energy without progress.
8 Questions Answered
Women are socialized to care about others' feelings, and in the workplace, they face a 'Goldilocks conundrum' where they are constantly told to be either 'too much' (assertive) or 'not enough' (warm), leading to a confusing dance of modulation.
Women in public roles often receive subjective, critical feedback focused on aesthetics like hair, makeup, and clothing, while men typically receive feedback related to their content or performance, rarely their appearance.
The more successful a woman becomes, the less others tend to like her, as her competence can be perceived as violating societal expectations for women to be communal and advocate for others, rather than themselves.
When receiving subjective feedback, women can ask 'compared to who?' to challenge the standard, and ask the reviewer to connect the identified style to actual work product and results, making the feedback more concrete and actionable.
Men should focus feedback on outcomes and results rather than stylistic elements, ensure behavioral standards are applied evenly to all genders, and be mindful of language, avoiding terms like 'helpful' for women which can relegate them to a helper position.
It's helpful to differentiate between known facts and interpretations, and to actively disrupt rumination by asking 'Is this useful?' to determine if the thought process is constructive or merely draining mental energy.
The 'Cardi B effect' questions whether women of color, or any 'other' in an office, can be authentically themselves and be lauded for it, or if they still face expectations and stereotypes that limit their ability to express their true selves without penalty.
A practice involves contemplating the vast number of people who have lived and died throughout history, then picturing loved ones and acknowledging their mortality, and finally, contemplating one's own body and life as finite and temporary.
33 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Self-Compassion for “Ugliness”
Engage in practices like meditation, cognitive work, therapy, and supportive friendships to develop self-compassion and become “friendly toward your ugliness” or things you’re ashamed of. This transforms self-treatment and behavior.
2. Contemplate Your Mortality
Spend a significant amount of time contemplating your mortality to reduce sleepwalking, foster appreciation for life, and live more vibrantly. This can be done in three steps: first, contemplate the vast scope of human history and the countless generations that have lived and died; second, mentally picture the people you know and acknowledge their impermanence; third, focus on yourself, acknowledging that your own body will die and decompose, and material achievements cannot be taken with you.
3. Embrace Vulnerability as a Strength
Reframe vulnerability from a demerit to a point of connectivity. Embracing vulnerability can make you a better manager and leader, providing more freedom in how you operate.
4. Question the Usefulness of Rumination
When caught in a loop of overthinking or “useless rumination,” ask yourself: “Is this useful?” This simple question can help you draw a line between constructive thought and unproductive anguish, allowing you to shift focus.
5. Distinguish Fact from Interpretation
To manage overthinking and rumination, practice distinguishing between known facts and personal interpretations of events. This helps avoid getting lost in subjective thoughts and anxieties.
6. Cultivate Self-Awareness and Clarity
Focus on cultivating self-awareness about your own behaviors and their impact on others, and strive for clarity in your vision and intent. This shifts focus away from external validation and towards effective communication.
7. Prioritize Clarity Over Likability
After interactions, shift your focus from whether you were liked to whether you were clear in your communication. If not, reflect on how to improve clarity next time.
8. Approach Criticism with Self-Compassion
When receiving tough criticism, especially substantive feedback, examine why it hurts and approach your “ugliness” or shame with warmth and charity. This helps quiet denial and allows positive qualities to emerge.
9. Grapple with Emotions (for Men)
For men, actively grapple with and process emotions, as society often conditions men not to. This can improve personal lives and professional interactions, fostering better management and leadership.
10. Incorporate “Female-Coded” Leadership Traits
Recognize and incorporate “female-coded” traits, such as being relational and communicative, into management or professional styles. These traits can be highly advantageous and lead to better outcomes.
11. Proactively Seek Concrete Feedback
If you’re not receiving concrete feedback in a session, actively ask your manager to help you find specific ways to improve your performance. This ensures you get actionable information for career growth.
12. Challenge Subjective Feedback
When receiving subjective or stylistic feedback (e.g., “too assertive”), ask “Compared to who?” to prompt the reviewer to consider if the standard is applied evenly across genders or groups.
13. Connect Feedback to Outcomes
After receiving feedback on your style or behavior, ask your reviewer to explicitly link it to your work product and results. This helps you understand the concrete impact and identify areas for meaningful improvement.
14. Outcome-Focused Feedback (for Managers)
When giving feedback, particularly to women, focus on concrete results and outcomes rather than stylistic elements or how they lead their team. This ensures feedback is objective and actionable.
15. Apply Standards Evenly
Ensure that standards for behavior, such as kindness or assertiveness, are applied equally to all employees, regardless of gender. Address issues consistently across the team.
16. Be Mindful of Language
Be mindful and careful about the language used when talking about colleagues, as words can carry unintended consequences and reinforce biases.
17. Use Specific, Concrete Language in Praise
Instead of generic compliments like “helpful,” use specific and concrete language to describe a person’s contributions (e.g., “Amy provided all the numbers for the report”). This avoids inadvertently relegating them to a “helper” role and clearly highlights their impact.
18. Provide Balanced and Specific References/Feedback
When giving references or feedback, provide balanced and specific details about a person’s strengths across various domains (e.g., “sweet” and “assertive”). Avoid vague or one-sided descriptions that can lead to negative inferences due to the “innuendo effect.”
19. Reframe Negative Language
Be aware of how language can create value judgments (e.g., “emotional” vs. “passionate”). Actively “flip the script” to reframe perceived negative traits into more neutral or positive ones, especially when discussing management styles.
20. Practice Overcommunication
To avoid misunderstandings and ensure project success, especially as a manager, practice overcommunication to ensure everyone is clear on expectations, importance, and timelines.
21. Explain the “Why” Behind Requests
When making requests, take the time to explain the underlying reasons and potential consequences if the request isn’t met. This provides context and helps others understand the importance of the task.
22. Secure Management Buy-in for Bias Programs
For unconscious bias programs and initiatives to be effective, ensure there is sincere buy-in and commitment from top management, as their support is crucial for successful implementation and cultural change.
23. Actively Solicit Opinions in Meetings
When leading meetings, actively ask everyone for their opinion to ensure all voices are heard and seen. This fosters psychological safety and a sense of belonging within the team.
24. Prepare in Advance for Collaborative Meetings
If you tend to dominate discussions, have participants prepare and present materials in advance. This allows you to study up beforehand and create more space for open conversation and diverse input during the meeting.
25. Focus on Providing Value
When putting your work out into the world, focus on what value you can offer to others. This shifts attention from personal reception to the impact of your contribution.
26. Practice Thoughtful Vulnerability
When sharing personal struggles or vulnerabilities, do so thoughtfully and intentionally, perhaps by seeking feedback on how to present it. This “proper vulnerability” can be constructive and empowering.
27. Manage Social Media Engagement
Evaluate what you gain from social media platforms and consider removing them from your phone or limiting how often you check mentions. This helps manage the constant feedback loop if you’re not built to handle it.
28. Discern and Filter Feedback
Recognize that not all feedback needs to be fully accepted or acted upon. Sift through it, decide what genuinely helps you improve, and allow other comments to simply be opinions.
29. Find Grounding Activities/Relationships
Engage in activities or relationships (like with children) that are grounding and require your full presence. This helps break patterns of rumination and provides a sense of perspective beyond external validation.
30. Allow for Reduced Practice During Difficult Times
During rough or erratic periods, give yourself permission to reduce the intensity or frequency of your practices (like meditation) without guilt. Acknowledge that temporary adjustments are sometimes necessary.
31. Acknowledge and Lean into Adversity
Instead of struggling against adversity, acknowledge the current situation and your emotions about it. Lean into the reality of the moment with a different attitude, which can change your relationship to the situation.
32. Seek Alternative Quiet Spaces
If your home environment is too erratic for quiet practice, seek alternative quiet spaces like sitting outside (weather permitting) or in a library.
33. Use White Noise for Focus in Noisy Environments
If your environment is noisy and makes it hard to focus (e.g., during meditation), download and play white noise through headphones to block out distractions.
6 Key Quotes
Women are constantly doing this dance of being told they're too much or not enough and they need to modulate.
Alicia Menendez
Not caring is an active process. We talk about not caring as though it's just like, just sit down, make a choice for yourself, like this Instagram meme about doing you, and then you'll be fixed.
Alicia Menendez
The majority of the feedback that women are given is critical subjective feedback, meaning that it is most likely your boss's opinion of your style.
Alicia Menendez
People will vote for a man even if they don't like him, where for a woman candidate, they have to be seen as both competent and likable. And so they have a double hurdle they have to clear.
Alicia Menendez
Insight sets you free but first it pisses you off.
Spring Washam (quoted by Dan Harris)
Enjoy Yourself. It's Later Than You Think.
The Specials (quoted by Dan Harris)
2 Protocols
Navigating Subjective Feedback Protocol
Alicia Menendez (based on Katerina Costula)- Ask 'compared to who?' to challenge the standard of the feedback.
- Ask the person reviewing you to draw a line from the identified style to your actual work product and results.
Mindful Contemplation of Mortality Practice
Joseph Goldstein (described by Dan Harris)- Contemplate how many people have lived and died throughout history on Earth, taking in the vast scope of human finitude.
- Go through the people you know, picturing them in your mind and acknowledging that they, too, will die.
- End on yourself, contemplating that your own body will die and fall apart, and nothing you've worked for will be taken with you.