The Likeability Trap | Alicia Menendez
Dan Harris interviews journalist Alicia Menendez, author of "The Likeability Trap," about the unique challenges women face in the workplace regarding likability and feedback. They discuss structural imbalances, the 'Goldilocks conundrum,' and strategies for both men and women to navigate these issues.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Alicia Menendez and The Likeability Trap
Alicia's Personal Story and Struggle with Likability
The Goldilocks Conundrum: Women's Workplace Feedback Paradox
The Active Process and Price of Not Caring
Performing Toughness and Managing Introversion in Public Life
Subjective Feedback and Appearance in Media Careers
Structural Imbalance in Workplace Feedback for Women
The Three Likability Traps Explained
Societal and Organizational Approaches to the Likability Trap
Individual Strategies for Receiving Feedback
Advice for Men Interacting with Women in the Workplace
Alicia's Current Relationship with External Feedback
Self-Awareness and Clarity as Management Tools
Navigating Feedback as a Newly Published Author
The Cardi B Effect: Authenticity and Likability for Women of Color
Coach K Effect: Valuing Female-Coded Traits in Leadership
8 Key Concepts
The Likeability Trap
A dynamic in the workplace where women are constantly told they are either 'too much' or 'not enough,' leading to a continuous effort to modulate their behavior. This often manifests as a 'Goldilocks conundrum' where they are perceived as either too cold or too warm, never 'just right'.
Goldilocks Conundrum
A specific aspect of the likability trap where women in the workplace receive contradictory feedback, being told to 'tone it down' if assertive or 'dial up their strength' if warm, making it impossible to meet expectations without being criticized. This highlights the subjective and context-specific nature of feedback for women.
Upward Distortion (in feedback)
A phenomenon where managers, often men, give women a better sense of how they are doing than they actually are, believing women cannot handle critical feedback. This can stifle a woman's career growth as she doesn't receive the necessary information to improve.
Authenticity Paradox
The second likability trap, where women are simultaneously told to modulate their behavior to fit workplace expectations (gender correcting) and to be their 'authentic selves.' This creates confusion, especially for those who don't align with dominant office culture, as being 'too authentic' can lead to penalties.
Success Likability Penalty
The third likability trap, where the more successful a woman becomes, the less others like her. This is attributed to the rarity of successful women, leading to assumptions that they must have done something wrong or be difficult to work with, and applies at every step of the career path, from hiring to promotions.
Innuendo Effect
A phenomenon in feedback where what is not said about a person can imply negative traits. For example, only praising a woman as 'sweet' might lead others to assume she lacks assertiveness, while only praising her strength might imply a lack of warmth. Balanced and specific feedback is crucial to avoid this.
Psychological Safety (in teams)
A condition where team members feel safe to speak up, share ideas, and take risks without fear of negative consequences. Research, including Google's, shows that teams with high psychological safety and diversity tend to have better outcomes and higher success rates.
Ruminator
A term coined by Yale professor Susan Nolan Hoxma, describing someone who tends to overthink, taking an idea and swirling it around in their mind, obsessing over it, in the belief that they will eventually come up with an answer. This often leads to interpretations rather than cold, hard facts.
9 Questions Answered
Women are socialized to care about others' feelings, and in the workplace, they face a 'Goldilocks conundrum' where they are criticized for being either too assertive or too warm, constantly needing to modulate their behavior to fit contradictory expectations.
Women often receive critical subjective feedback focused on their style, appearance, or communication, which can be an HR violation in other contexts. Men, conversely, receive different feedback, often related to their work or policy, and sometimes managers withhold frank feedback from women, fearing they can't handle it.
There are three main traps: the 'Goldilocks conundrum' (too warm/too cold), the 'authenticity paradox' (being told to be authentic while also gender-correcting), and the 'success likability penalty' (the more successful a woman is, the less she is liked).
When receiving subjective or stylistic feedback, women can ask 'compared to who?' to challenge the reviewer's bias, and ask the reviewer to draw a line from the identified style or behavior to concrete work product and results.
Men should focus on tying feedback to outcomes and results rather than stylistic elements, and be mindful of language, avoiding terms like 'helpful' that can relegate women to helper positions, and instead using specific examples of contributions.
Managers can actively solicit opinions from everyone in meetings to ensure people feel heard and seen, and implement programs to address unconscious bias with genuine buy-in from the top, as diverse and psychologically safe teams lead to better business outcomes.
Individuals can mechanically limit exposure to social media feedback (e.g., removing apps, not checking mentions), understand that not all feedback needs to be fully taken, and focus on internal goals like clarity in communication rather than external validation.
The 'Cardi B effect' refers to the idea that some public figures achieve success through 'specific authenticity' and an unfiltered persona. However, for women of color in the workplace, being authentically themselves often means contending with additional challenges, stereotypes, and expectations based on race and ethnicity, making it difficult to 'just do you.'
Yes, traits like being relational and communicative, often considered 'female-coded,' can be highly advantageous in management. Embracing vulnerability and grappling with emotions, which women are often conditioned to do more than men, can make men better managers and leaders by fostering connectivity and opening up more ways to be.
22 Actionable Insights
1. Shift Focus to Clarity
Instead of obsessing over whether others liked you, focus on self-awareness and clarity in your vision and intent; ask yourself, ‘Was I really clear in communicating what I wanted to communicate?’
2. Interrogate Ruminative Thoughts
Actively disrupt overthinking by distinguishing between known facts and interpretations, rather than endlessly swirling ideas in your mind and obsessing over them without reaching a cold, hard fact.
3. Practice Self-Compassion with Criticism
When receiving tough criticism, especially substantive feedback that triggers shame, view it with warmth and charity to allow you to process it, quiet the ‘ugliness,’ and let good qualities emerge.
4. Turn Towards “Ugliness”
To achieve peace of mind and improve relationships, actively turn toward and see your neuroses and ambient shame, as insight, though initially uncomfortable, is the only move that makes sense for freedom.
5. Limit Social Media Feedback
Reduce constant exposure to external feedback loops by taking social media platforms off your phone or limiting checking mentions, especially if you are not built for that constant dialogue.
6. Sift Through Feedback Selectively
Understand that you are not supposed to fully take every piece of feedback; you are allowed to sift through it, decide what actually helps and makes you better, and allow other things to be just opinions.
7. Engage in Grounding Activities
Engage in activities that demand your full presence and energy, such as spending time with children, to help break patterns of rumination and focus on what truly matters in the present moment.
8. Ask “Compared to Who?”
When receiving subjective stylistic feedback (e.g., ’too assertive’ or ’too emotional’), ask ‘compared to who?’ to force the reviewer to consider whether they would give the same feedback to others, ensuring standards are applied evenly.
9. Tie Feedback to Outcomes
When receiving feedback, ask the reviewer to draw a line from the identified style or behavior to your actual work product and results, making the feedback concrete and illustrating its impact.
10. Actively Seek Concrete Feedback
If you are in a feedback session and not receiving the type of concrete feedback needed to improve, proactively ask your manager for specific ways you can do better than you are right now.
11. Give Outcome-Focused Feedback
When providing feedback, tie it to outcomes and focus on results, rather than hyper-focusing on a woman’s leadership style or other stylistic elements.
12. Apply Kindness Standards Evenly
Address unkind behavior consistently, regardless of gender, ensuring that standards for congenial conduct in the workplace are applied universally to both men and women.
13. Be Specific, Avoid “Helpful”
When describing a woman’s contributions, avoid vague compliments like ‘helpful’ as it can relegate her to a helper position; instead, be specific about her concrete contributions to a project.
14. Provide Balanced Feedback
When giving references or evaluations, offer balanced feedback that includes both strengths (e.g., strong, assertive) and relational qualities (e.g., sweet, likable) to avoid unintended negative inferences.
15. Over-Communicate Expectations
Learn to over-communicate expectations, the importance of tasks, and timelines to ensure everyone is clear on the journey and to avoid frustrations at the end of a project.
16. Prepare for Meetings as a Leader
If you tend to offer solutions too quickly in meetings, prepare materials and study up in advance to create more breathing room for others to contribute and counter-propose.
17. Actively Solicit Opinions in Meetings
As a leader, make sure to ask everyone for their opinion in meetings to ensure people feel heard, seen, and that they belong, which fosters psychological safety within the team.
18. Develop Female-Coded Traits
Men can benefit from developing ‘female-coded’ traits such as being relational and communicative with their team members, as these can be very advantageous in management and leadership.
19. Embrace Vulnerability as Connectivity
View vulnerability not as a demerit, but as a point of connectivity that can actually make you a better manager and leader, opening up more room to run and more ways to be.
20. Grapple with Emotions (for men)
Men should be conditioned to grapple with their emotions, as suppressing them can manifest negatively in both personal lives and at the office, underserving boys and men.
21. Advocate for Management Buy-in on Bias
Recognize that organizational programs addressing unconscious bias only work if there is sincere buy-in from top management, as evidence clearly shows they create better business outcomes.
22. Challenge Stereotypes for Women of Color
Be aware that women of color often contend with additional challenges and stereotypes in the workplace, facing expectations of how they should show up and how quickly people are to stereotype them.
7 Key Quotes
Women are constantly doing this dance of being told they're too much or not enough and they need to modulate.
Alicia Menendez
Not caring is an active process.
Alicia Menendez
You can't be someone like me who for 36 years has cared what other people think about you and then make a one-time choice to not care and suddenly be alleviated of this problem.
Alicia Menendez
The majority of the feedback that women are given is critical subjective feedback, meaning that it is most likely your boss's opinion of your style.
Alicia Menendez
People will vote for a man, even if they don't like him, where for a woman candidate, they have to be seen as both competent and likable. And so they have a double hurdle they have to clear.
Alicia Menendez
Insight sets you free, but first it pisses you off.
Spring Washam (quoted by Dan Harris)
We're as prescriptive with women as we are with men. It's just that the ways in which those prescriptions are limited happen to be different.
Alicia Menendez
3 Protocols
Protocol for Receiving Subjective Feedback
Alicia Menendez (based on Katerina Kostula's advice)- When given subjective, stylistic feedback (e.g., 'too assertive,' 'too indecisive'), ask 'compared to who?' to prompt the reviewer to consider potential biases.
- Ask the reviewer to draw a clear line from the identified style or behavior to your actual work product and results (e.g., 'how did my indecisiveness lead to the deck being late?').
Protocol for Improving Workplace Communication
Alicia Menendez (based on Mindy Grossman's experience)- For managers with big ideas or visions, ensure you bring everyone else along on the journey by over-communicating expectations.
- If you tend to offer solutions immediately in meetings, prepare materials in advance and present them beforehand.
- During meetings, create more breathing room for conversation and discussion by allowing others to counter-propose solutions.
- Actively solicit opinions from everyone in the meeting to ensure people feel heard and seen.
Protocol for Managing Feedback as a Public Figure
Alicia Menendez- Consider what you truly gain from social platforms and remove those that are not beneficial from your phone.
- Avoid constantly checking 'mentions' or direct feedback loops if you are not built to handle that constant input.
- Understand that you are not obligated to fully accept every piece of feedback; sift through it and decide what genuinely helps you improve.
- Allow some feedback to simply be opinions, rather than facts that require action.
- Have grounding elements in your life (e.g., children, personal interests) that help break patterns of rumination and provide perspective on external noise.