The Massive, Underappreciated Power Of Apology | V (Formerly Eve Ensler) (Co-Interviewed By Dr. Bianca Harris)
V (formerly Eve Ensler), Tony Award-winning playwright and activist, discusses her book "The Apology," where she wrote an apology from her deceased abusive father. She outlines a four-step process for making a deep apology and explains why she doesn't believe in forgiveness, advocating for understanding as liberation.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Introduction to Apology and V's Personal Story
V's Childhood Trauma and Its Lasting Impact
Writing 'The Apology' from a Perpetrator's Perspective
Understanding as Liberation: The Wound is the Portal
Societal Failure to Apologize and Patriarchy
Apology as a Universal Pathway to Happiness
V's Four-Step Process for a Fulsome Apology
Why V Doesn't Believe in Forgiveness
The Challenge and Reward of Making Apologies
V's Spiritual Practice: Devotion to the Earth
De-stigmatizing Mental Illness with 'This Is Crazy'
V's Reconciliation and Apology from Her Mother
Bianca's Experience with Her Father's Passing
4 Key Concepts
Understanding as Liberation
Gaining a deep understanding of the antecedents and motivations behind harmful actions, particularly those of perpetrators, can free survivors from the belief that they were at fault. This understanding allows individuals to break free from being trapped in the perpetrator's narrative and reclaim their own story.
The Wound is the Portal
This concept suggests that the deepest pains and traumas we experience can become gateways for profound personal growth and liberation. By confronting and working through what we resist or have shut off, we can open up closed parts of ourselves and achieve freedom.
Closed-Hearted Happiness
This concept suggests that true happiness cannot exist when one's heart is closed off to certain experiences, people, or emotions, especially those related to past hurts or aversions. Opening these closed parts of the heart, even to painful areas, is necessary for genuine well-being and liberation.
Patriarchy and Non-Apology
V posits that the cultural inability or refusal of men to make public, accountable apologies, particularly for sexual violence, is a fundamental pillar of patriarchy. This lack of accountability perpetuates hierarchical power structures and prevents both perpetrators and victims from achieving liberation.
7 Questions Answered
It is difficult because society often does not welcome confessions of failure or wrongdoing, and people fear being shamed or attacked after apologizing. There's also a deep-seated defensiveness and shame that makes admitting fault challenging.
Writing an apology from a perpetrator's perspective, as V did for her deceased father, allows survivors to break free from being trapped in the perpetrator's narrative. It helps them understand the perpetrator beyond just a 'monster' and realize the abuse was not their fault, leading to personal liberation.
V finds the word 'forgiveness' to feel like a posture and believes it's not up to the harmed person to forgive. Instead, she advocates for a true apology process where the person who caused harm takes deep responsibility, leading to a mutual release from rancor and bitterness.
V suggests that the non-apology, particularly by men called out for violence, is an essential pillar of patriarchy, keeping it in place. Without a process for accountability and amends, historical harms like genocide and slavery remain unaddressed, leading to their repetition.
Understanding the antecedents and life journey that shaped a perpetrator can lead to liberation for the survivor. It helps them realize that the abuse was not about their own intrinsic worth or actions, but rather a projection of the perpetrator's own unaddressed issues and closed heart.
V's current spiritual practice involves deep devotion to the Earth, sitting in nature multiple times a day, and asking questions to become fully integrated with and informed by the natural world. Her goal is to be in service to the Earth and fight for its preservation.
V's play aims to de-stigmatize mental illness by challenging the medical model and emphasizing that the 'river we swim in' (the system) is sick, leading to widespread mental unwellness. The play advocates for building community and solidarity to address systemic issues rather than just individual symptoms.
15 Actionable Insights
1. Practice V’s Four-Step Apology
When you’ve done something wrong, follow V’s four steps: 1) Investigate your history and motivations for the action; 2) Detail exactly what you did; 3) Understand the impact of your actions on the other person; 4) Make a true apology, indicating you won’t do it again, to clean up the relationship. This process, done regularly, can fundamentally change your life and relationships.
2. Cultivate Deep, Reflective Apology
Make apologies a “deep rooted, reflective” process that involves investigating your own history to understand what led to your actions, detailing exactly what you did, understanding the short-term and long-term impact on the other person, and committing to change so you don’t repeat the harm. This detailed approach is crucial for liberation for both parties.
3. Understand for Liberation
Seek to understand the antecedents and journey of those who have harmed you, not to justify their actions, but to free yourself from their narrative. Realize that their actions often had nothing to do with your intrinsic being, which can be the greatest liberation from self-blame.
4. Engage Inner Dialogue with Perpetrators
Recognize that those who have harmed you often “live inside us.” Engage in inner work through therapy, spiritual practice, or writing to have a dialogue with these internal representations and rearrange how they exist within you, rather than needing direct interaction with the external person.
5. Address Closed-Heartedness
Identify areas where your heart is closed due to past hurts or aversion, as these are the places where inner work is most needed. Allow yourself to open up these “off-limit” parts, understanding that “the wound is the portal” to healing and liberation.
6. Write Self-Apologies for Healing
If you are waiting for an apology you never received, consider writing one to yourself from the perspective of the person who harmed you. This method can help you break out of the perpetrator’s narrative and release long-held bitterness and rage.
7. Reject Pressure to Forgive
Do not feel pressured to forgive those who have harmed you, as forgiveness can feel like a posture or even another form of violence. Instead, focus on a process where accountability and responsibility are taken, allowing for a release from rancor and bitterness for all involved.
8. Prioritize Self-Accountability
Take responsibility for your actions by doing the deep work of self-accountability, being true and honest about what you’ve done, and exploring it deeply within yourself. This commitment to inner work is what truly frees both you and the person you’ve harmed.
9. Connect with Nature for Guidance
Devote yourself to the earth and nature, spending time learning about trees, rivers, and creatures, and paying attention to them. This practice can help you feel integrated and connected, informing you of your purpose and how to serve, and keeping you alive and joyful.
10. Build Community for Mental Health
Shift the focus from treating individual mental illness through a medical model to addressing systemic issues. Actively work to build community and solidarity to make everyone feel part of a story, recognizing that collective unwellness requires collective solutions.
11. Create Safe Spaces for Apology
When someone apologizes, create a safe space for them to do so without being shamed or attacked. This encourages genuine confessions and admissions of wrongdoing, fostering healthier relationships and preventing defensiveness.
12. Find Healing in Gratitude
When direct apologies are impossible (e.g., due to illness or death), seek healing through gratitude for the pure love and connection that may emerge when stressors are removed. This can serve as a substitution for an apology, providing a sense of closure and peace.
13. Clean Up Family Karma
Engage in difficult conversations with family members about past harms, allowing them to acknowledge and own their part. This process of cleaning up generational hurts can change fundamental karma and reality for future generations, fostering more loving relationships.
14. Understand Others’ Narratives
To understand your own personal narrative, investigate and understand the narratives of your parents or others who shaped you, to the best of your ability. This can help you recognize how their experiences influenced your own and foster healing.
15. Practice Ongoing Consciousness
Develop a habit of bringing consciousness to your behavior and why you’re doing it, especially when you act unkindly. This awareness can help you develop mechanisms to prevent harmful behaviors and lead to fundamental change.
9 Key Quotes
I think the way I would describe it is that I was kind of, I was boiled in a stew of violence, you know, like I was made in that stew of violence.
V
I didn't want to be in my father's story anymore. I didn't want to be reacting to him, proving to him I wasn't the stupid person he said I was, proving to him I wasn't a slut and I wasn't a whore, proving to him or just being angry at him, just being angry at him because all that anger got transferred onto the world. And I suddenly realized I want to be in my story.
V
I think that understanding is liberation. I think when you come to understand things, you get free.
V
There's no such thing as a closed hearted happiness.
Matthew Brensilver
the wound is the portal that has been proved, proven over and over in my life.
V
I think that no matter what we do in our lives, to cover up a bad action that we know is a bad action, it's a stain on our being.
V
Apologies are not for the faint of heart. You have to really make a commitment to that.
V
I don't know about you, but whenever I make that apology, it feels so good. That's the thing to remind people. Like you don't walk away feeling bad. You feel cleared. You feel clean.
V
The medical model is over. We cannot keep treating people through the medical model. Like if we do not start treating the systems, the thing that is making people sick, we will just keep doing this over and over.
V
1 Protocols
V's Four-Step Apology Process
V- Investigate your own history and makeup to understand what led you to do the harmful action.
- Detail exactly what you did that harmed the other person, taking responsibility for it.
- Consider the short-term and long-term impact of your actions on the harmed person.
- Make a true apology, indicating a commitment to change so you don't repeat the behavior.