The Price of Secrecy | Michael Slepian
Columbia Business School Professor Michael Slepian reveals the psychology of secrets, noting people average 13. He explains the physical and psychological toll of secrets stems from being alone with them, not just hiding them, and how social connection can alleviate this burden.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
Introduction to the Psychology of Secrets
Research Origin: Secrets as Physical Burdens
The True Burden of Secrets: Being Alone with Thoughts
Authenticity, Vulnerability, and Secret-Keeping
Strategies for Managing Secrets: Confiding in Others
Gender Differences in Secret Confiding
Study: Concealing Sexual Orientation vs. Extroversion
Physiological Stress of Thinking About Secrets
Qualities of an Effective Confidant
Benefits and Costs of Being a Confidant
The Distinction Between Shame and Guilt
Research Methodology: Studying Real-Life Secrets
Common Categories and Definition of a Secret
Detecting Secrecy in Others
Secrecy in Political and Pandemic Contexts
Major Misconceptions About Secrets
Societal Structures and Psychological Safety in Secrecy
Desired Impact of Secrecy Research
6 Key Concepts
Burden of Secrets (beyond hiding)
Secrets weigh people down not primarily when they are actively concealing them in conversation, but rather in the moments when they are alone and thinking about the secret. This internal rumination is the main source of stress and burden, as it prevents individuals from finding healthy ways of processing the secret through conversation.
Authenticity and Secrecy
Keeping secrets can make individuals feel inauthentic from the people around them. This feeling of inauthenticity is not dependent on how much one actively hides the secret, but rather on how frequently one finds themselves thinking about that secret.
Shame vs. Guilt
Shame is an emotion where a person thinks 'I'm a bad person,' which leads to feelings of helplessness because changing one's core identity feels impossible. Guilt, conversely, is when a person thinks 'I've done something wrong' or 'My behavior is bad,' which is healthier as it focuses on changeable actions, allowing for a path forward to act differently.
Confiding in a Third Party
This strategy involves discussing a secret with someone other than the person it is being kept from. It allows the secret-keeper to gain support, advice, and perspective, thereby reducing the psychological burden, while still maintaining secrecy from the original relevant individual.
Secret vs. Privacy
For information to be considered a secret, there must be a specific intention for it to remain unknown to certain people. If information is simply not discussed because it hasn't come up in conversation, or would be shared with close individuals, it is considered privacy, not a secret.
Being Secretive vs. Keeping a Secret
Keeping a secret refers to the isolated act of intending to withhold specific information. Being secretive, on the other hand, describes a general disposition where an individual is closed off, reluctant to share information about their private life, thoughts, or feelings, and often unwilling to ask for help, which can be recognized by others.
9 Questions Answered
Secrets are burdensome not primarily because of the act of hiding them, but because of the internal rumination and the feeling of being alone with the secret, which prevents finding healthy ways of thinking about it through conversation with others.
You can talk to someone else, a trusted confidant, about the secret. This allows you to get help and perspective without revealing it to the person you're hiding it from, potentially reducing the burden.
While there isn't a difference in the rate of secrecy, women tend to confide their secrets in others more often than men. Men are more likely to keep a secret entirely to themselves, possibly due to gender stereotypes around seeking help and vulnerability.
People look for confidants who are compassionate, empathic, caring, kind, warm, and assertive (someone who might push you to act). They tend to avoid those who are merely polite or overly social/extroverted, especially if there are overlapping social networks.
The cost can be treating the secret as your own, leading to a similar burden, or requiring emotional labor. The benefit is the understanding that confiding a secret is an act of intimacy and trust, signaling vulnerability and strengthening the relationship.
The biggest misconception is that the harm from a secret comes from the stress of actively hiding it in conversation. The actual harm primarily stems from being alone with the secret and the internal rumination it causes.
Secrecy is incredibly common; the average person has about 13 secrets from a list of 38 common categories, and 97% of people have at least one such secret.
In controlled lab studies, people generally cannot tell when someone is actively concealing specific information. However, in long-term relationships, one might sense when someone is not fully opening up, and a general disposition of being 'secretive' is noticeable and can lead to a lack of support.
Societal structures and strictures can incentivize secrecy by making people feel ashamed or unsafe to reveal certain information (e.g., sexual identity, experiences of abuse, political beliefs), thereby blocking meaningful conversations and change that should be happening.
16 Actionable Insights
1. Distinguish Shame from Guilt
When feeling bad about a secret, distinguish between shame (“I’m a bad person”) and guilt (“I did something wrong”); focus on guilt, as it allows you to recognize that your actions can change, leading to a healthier outlook and a path forward.
2. Avoid Solitary Secrecy
Strive to avoid having secrets, but if you do, ensure you talk about them with at least one person so you are not alone with the secret, as being alone with a secret is the most burdensome aspect.
3. Confide in a Trusted Third-Party
If revealing a secret to the person it concerns would cause too much pain or damage, confide in a trusted third party to get help and support, which can alleviate the burden while maintaining secrecy from the original person.
4. Choose Confidants Wisely
When seeking a confidant, look for someone compassionate, empathic, caring, kind, warm, and assertive, who can provide both support and the necessary push to act.
5. Seek External Perspectives
Talk to others about your problems or secrets to gain new perspectives and challenge your own thinking, as relying solely on your own mind is less effective and healthy.
6. Address Difficult Conversations Promptly
Do not put off difficult conversations, as they tend to get harder over time; instead, seek help from others to plan how and when to reveal sensitive information.
7. Focus on Present and Future
When reflecting on secrets, shift your focus from past events (which cannot be changed) to the present and future, as this approach is more productive and less harmful.
8. Model Openness and Vulnerability
If you want others to open up, model this behavior by opening up to them first, as reciprocal disclosure feels natural and fosters comfort.
9. Leaders Model Vulnerability
Individuals in leadership positions should model basic humanity and frailty by openly discussing their own anxieties or struggles, as this incentivizes others to be themselves and fosters psychological safety.
10. Integrate Study and Practice
Combine learning (study) with practical application (practice) to engage multiple parts of the mind and integrate wisdom more deeply.
11. Live an Ethical Life
Strive to live as ethically as possible, as this can reduce the number of secrets related to perceived misbehavior, leading to a “bliss of blamelessness.”
12. Consider Confidant Network Overlap
Be cautious about confiding in someone who has overlapping social networks with the person you are keeping the secret from, as this places a significant burden on the confidant.
13. Avoid Unhelpful Confidants
Avoid confiding in people who are merely polite, overly concerned with social norms, or highly social/extroverted, as they may be less helpful or more likely to inadvertently reveal your secret.
14. Value Any Confidant Response
Even a lukewarm or not overtly positive response from a confidant can be helpful, as the act of confiding itself can make you feel better and relieve the burden of secrecy.
15. Recognize Shared Secrecy
Understand that having secrets is incredibly common and that many people keep similar types of secrets, which can help you feel less alone and more comfortable discussing your own.
16. Reduce Unnecessary Secrets
While it’s acceptable to have some secrets, aim to reduce the number of unnecessary ones you keep, as many people hold more secrets than they need to.
5 Key Quotes
It turns out to be less about the moment of hiding and more about what it means to be living with a secret, alone with a secret.
Michael Slepian
People feel inauthentic for having a secret from the people around them. And it turns out it doesn't matter how much you hide it. It's the more you find yourself thinking about that secret, the more you feel inauthentic for having it.
Michael Slepian
You don't have to reveal the secret to the person you're hiding it from. But, you know, if you choose carefully and if you choose the right person, you can get so much help while it still remains a secret.
Michael Slepian
The biggest misconception is that the way in which a secret hurts you is the stress of hiding it in conversation. And the reason why it's not helpful to have that idea, besides that it's wrong, is you're not understanding where the real harm is.
Michael Slepian
The only way to connect with other people in this world is by sharing experiences with them. That is what the connections are made out of. And so to hold back from that, you're sort of holding back from the primary way of connecting.
Michael Slepian
1 Protocols
Coping with Secrets
Michael Slepian- Recognize that the burden of a secret comes from being alone with it and internal rumination, not primarily from the act of hiding it.
- Talk about the secret with at least one trusted confidant, even if not the person it's being kept from.
- Choose a confidant who is compassionate, empathetic, caring, kind, warm, and assertive, and someone you trust to be discreet.
- If the secret involves a past action, shift your focus from 'I'm a bad person' (shame) to 'I did something wrong' (guilt) to feel more capable of change.
- Consider if the secret has a timeline where revealing it sooner might be better, and use a confidant to help plan how to reveal it if appropriate.
- If in a position of authority, model vulnerability and openness to create psychological safety for others to feel comfortable sharing their own secrets or concerns.