The Science Of Crying: Evolutionary Roots, Benefits, And Why So Many Of Us Are Uncomfortable With It | Benjamin Perry (Co-hosted By Dr. Bianca Harris)
Dan Harris and Dr. Bianca Harris interview Reverend Benjamin Perry, author of "Cry, Baby: Why Our Tears Matter." They discuss the science and evolutionary roots of tears, gender differences in crying, its connection to shame, and how vulnerability can be misused, offering insights on reconnecting with emotional parts of ourselves.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
Introduction to the Science of Tears and Personal Discomfort
Benjamin Perry's Personal Journey with Crying and Emotional Numbness
Internalized Homophobia and Patriarchal Paradigms Blocking Tears
Gender Differences in Crying and Potential Hormonal Links
Deepening Emotional Feeling as the Key to Crying
The Role of Crying in Interpersonal Relationships
Investigating the Deeper Causes Behind Immediate Tears
Evolutionary and Physiological Theories Behind Why We Cry
Physiological and Psychological Benefits of Crying
How Vulnerability and Tears Can Be Misused or Weaponized
Personal Dynamics of Crying in Dan and Bianca's Relationship
Childhood Patterns and Anxiety's Role in Crying Aversion
Supporting a Crying Partner: Presence vs. Trying to Stop Tears
Crying as a Catalyst for Personal Transformation
Messages Parents Send to Children About Crying
The Enduring Shame Around Crying and Cultivating Emotional Curiosity
Crying in Older Age and Liminal Spaces
Crying as a Tool for Collective Transformation
5 Key Concepts
Emotional Repression
Emotional repression involves suppressing or avoiding one's feelings, often leading to a lack of crying. This practice is linked to negative health outcomes such as heart disease and stroke, as it prevents the healthy processing of emotions, particularly grief.
Social Function of Tears
Tears serve as a visible signal to others, indicating distress and a need for support or care. Research shows that seeing someone cry makes others more likely to offer help and feel gentler towards them, extending beyond infancy to adult interpersonal relationships.
Excretory Function of Tears
This hypothesis suggests that emotional tears have a different chemical composition than irritant tears, containing higher concentrations of proteins like prolactin. It posits that tear ducts might be secreting these proteins to help the brain release stress or other emotions, though more research is needed to confirm this.
Weaponized Vulnerability
This refers to the unethical misuse of tears or emotional displays to cover up truth, avoid accountability, or exert power. It involves a grandiose display of emotion to obscure underlying intentions or actions, often seen when vulnerability is combined with existing power dynamics.
Crying as a Canary in the Coal Mine
Crying can be an indicator of a deeper emotional life, revealing what a person is truly feeling. Instead of focusing solely on the act of crying, the focus should be on deepening one's capacity for feeling, as crying naturally emerges when feelings reach a critical point.
8 Questions Answered
Benjamin Perry began studying crying after realizing at age 21 that he hadn't cried in a decade, prompting him to undertake an intentional practice of daily weeping to reconnect with his emotions and overcome a paralyzing numbness.
Factors include internalized homophobia, patriarchal masculine paradigms that discourage emotional expression, and a societal acculturation that devalues deep feelings. There may also be an anecdotal link between testosterone and reduced crying frequency.
Dr. William Frey's hypothesis suggests that emotional tears, unlike those from cutting an onion, contain higher concentrations of proteins like prolactin, indicating a potential excretory function for releasing stress or emotions.
Crying can help process big emotions, increase emotional awareness, signal a need for deeper investigation into one's feelings, deepen relationships by soliciting support, and lead to personal transformation by clearing emotional blockages.
Tears can be misused as a form of 'weaponized vulnerability' to cover up truth, avoid accountability, or exert power, especially when combined with social privilege. Examples include performative weeping to evade responsibility or manipulate situations.
Instead of trying to stop the crying or making the visible manifestation go away, it's more helpful to sit with the person and be present. This communicates support and allows them to move through their experience in its fullness, even if it causes discomfort for the observer.
Parents should create a safe space where children know all their feelings are real and valid, consistently repeating messages that crying is healthy and a normal part of emotional life. This helps counteract broader societal messages that may shame crying.
Yes, through engaged and sustained effort, individuals can become people who feel more deeply. The key is to focus on cultivating and exploring emotional experiences, even small ones, to gradually deepen the well of feeling, allowing crying to happen more naturally.
9 Actionable Insights
1. Focus on Deepening Feelings
If you want to cry more, shift your focus from forcing tears to deepening your overall capacity to feel emotions, as crying naturally emerges from a richer emotional life.
2. Gradual Emotional Reconnection
For those who struggle with crying or big emotions, practice “feeling a little something” each day, holding and exploring it deeply, similar to starting a meditation practice, to gradually reconnect with your emotional self.
3. Investigate Crying’s True Source
When you find yourself crying, pause and curiously examine the underlying reasons, as the immediate trigger may not be the true source of your deep feelings.
4. Release Crying-Related Shame
Actively work to shed any shame associated with crying or not crying, recognizing that this shame is unhelpful, often externally imposed, and a barrier to emotional well-being.
5. Offer Sustained Presence to Criers
When supporting someone who is crying, instead of rubbing their back (which can signal discomfort), simply hold your hand on their back to communicate unwavering presence and allow them to fully process their emotions.
6. Respond to Tears with Empathy
When someone cries in response to your words or actions, pause and acknowledge that they are feeling deeply, choosing empathy and support over dismissing their emotions as histrionic.
7. Consistently Validate Children’s Crying
As a parent, repeatedly create a safe and accepting environment for your child to express all their feelings, consistently affirming that crying is a healthy and valid part of being human.
8. Frequent Crying for Self-Discovery
Engage in crying with more frequency to help “peel back” the layers of your emotions, leading to a deeper understanding of what you are truly feeling.
9. Intentional Daily Crying Practice
If you’re experiencing emotional numbness and struggle to cry, consider a daily practice of intentionally making yourself cry for an extended period (e.g., several months) to lower your emotional baseline and increase tenderness.
6 Key Quotes
The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence against women, but violence against the emotional parts of the self, to cut out the parts of ourselves that feel deeply.
Benjamin Perry (quoting Bell Hooks)
So often crying is not actually about what's happening in the moment.
Benjamin Perry
You are crying and I am uncomfortable with that. And I would really like you to not be crying anymore.
Benjamin Perry
Crying happens precisely in the moment of transformation.
Benjamin Perry
All of that shame is not helpful. And it's not ours. It's something that's been foisted onto us.
Benjamin Perry
The more we are able to live with emotional honesty and vulnerability that invites connection and relationship, the more we are able to build the kind of resilient social systems that are exactly what we need for the kind of large-scale monumental change that we have ahead of us.
Benjamin Perry