The Science of Persuasion | Vanessa Bohns
Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns, author of "You Have More Influence Than You Think," discusses how we consistently underestimate our persuasive power. She shares science-based strategies for observing our effect on others, overcoming the fear of rejection, and responsibly wielding our influence.
Deep Dive Analysis
21 Topic Outline
The Origin of Research on Underestimating Influence
The Universality of Underestimating Influence Across Demographics
Quantifying the Underestimation of Compliance Rates
The Difficulty of Saying No and Unethical Requests
Strategies for Saying No More Effectively
The Happy and Dark Sides of Human Helpfulness
Why Over-Assertiveness and Compensation are Often Unnecessary
The Invisibility Cloak Illusion: Others Notice Us More Than We Think
Reconciling the Invisibility Cloak Illusion and the Spotlight Effect
Behavior Contagion and Audience Tuning: How Influence Spreads
General Advice for Exercising Influence: Show Up, Speak Up, Ask
Overcoming Self-Criticism in Communication: The Gist vs. Details
The Impact of In-Person vs. Digital Requests
The Dark Side of Influence: Underestimating the Spread of Bullshit
The Distinction Between Power and Influence
How Power Can Lead to Underestimating One's Own Influence
The Responsibility Component of Power Reduces Its Appeal
Visualizing to Increase Awareness of Personal Influence
Getting Perspective vs. Taking Perspective for Better Understanding
Experiencing Your Influence Through Direct Testing
Applying Influence Principles to Parenting
6 Key Concepts
Invisibility Cloak Illusion
This concept describes our tendency to believe that others are not paying much attention to us as we go about our daily lives. Research shows that people actually notice us and our actions more than we realize, influencing their own behaviors and perceptions.
Spotlight Effect
This refers to our tendency to overestimate how much others are noticing specific things about us, especially when we are acutely self-conscious about something embarrassing or a perceived flaw. While we feel we are in the spotlight for these specific things, others are often not paying as much attention to those details.
Behavior Contagion
This is the phenomenon where behaviors spread from one person to another. When someone observes another person performing an action, they are more likely to adopt that behavior themselves, often without realizing the extent to which they were influenced.
Audience Tuning
This describes how individuals adjust their communication to align with what they believe their audience wants to hear, often to gain approval. This process can inadvertently shape the speaker's own beliefs, a phenomenon known as the 'saying is believing effect'.
Truth Default
This is the general assumption in most conversations that the person speaking is telling the truth, even if what they are saying is not fully vetted or accurate. This default assumption allows for normal conversation but also contributes to the spread of misinformation or 'bullshit'.
Fuzzy Trace Theory
This theory suggests that when we hear someone speak, we process both the specific details and the general gist of what they are saying. However, we quickly forget the specifics and primarily retain the gist, meaning that the overall message is more important than perfect articulation.
8 Questions Answered
People underestimate their influence because they focus on their own internal anxiety and perceived social risks of asking for things, failing to recognize that others are often more willing to help and find it socially awkward to say no.
People typically underestimate the likelihood of others agreeing to their requests by about twice as much as the actual compliance rate, across various types of favors and asks.
Saying no is difficult because humans are evolutionarily wired to maintain social ties, and rejection feels socially risky, implying unhelpfulness or judgment. The awkwardness of the moment often outweighs personal discomfort with the request itself.
The most effective way to say no is to buy time by not responding immediately, allowing for a mindful decision and the ability to articulate a refusal in a way that feels comfortable, often through email rather than face-to-face.
Generally, people notice us more than we think in everyday situations, a phenomenon called the invisibility cloak illusion. However, when we are acutely self-conscious about a specific flaw or embarrassing situation, we overestimate how much others are focused on that particular detail (the spotlight effect).
Asking for things in person is significantly more effective, resulting in much higher compliance rates than digital requests like email, due to the emotional connection and the immediate, on-the-spot nature of the interaction. If in-person isn't possible, a phone or video call is still better than email.
Power is a specific form of influence where one person has control over another's outcomes and resources (e.g., ability to hire/fire). Influence is a broader concept of changing how someone thinks, feels, or acts, which can occur with or without formal power, through status, likeability, or good ideas.
People in positions of power often underestimate their influence even more, as they are less likely to take others' perspectives and forget that their 'whispers' can be interpreted as 'shouts' due to the power dynamic and situational constraints felt by subordinates.
16 Actionable Insights
1. Underestimate Your Influence
Recognize that people are about twice as likely to agree to your requests and be more helpful than you anticipate. This means your desired outcomes are often more within reach than you think.
2. Wield Influence Responsibly
Be mindful that your influence can be exploited, and people find it difficult to say no, even to inappropriate requests. Take responsibility for your power and think twice before asking for something that might cause discomfort or regret.
3. Show Up, Speak Up, Ask
Your presence alone matters, as others notice you more than you think and your representation can influence conversations. Speaking your opinion, even imperfectly, and making specific requests are more impactful than you realize, increasing your likelihood of getting what you want.
4. Ask In-Person When Possible
Asking for favors in person is significantly more effective than via email, as compliance rates can be much higher due to the emotional and immediate nature of face-to-face interaction. If in-person isn’t possible, a phone or video call is still preferable to email for better engagement.
5. Buy Time to Say No
When asked for something face-to-face, avoid immediate rejection by saying, ‘Let me think about that,’ and offer to respond later via email. This allows you to mindfully decide and articulate your refusal without the pressure of an on-the-spot confrontation, helping you maintain your priorities.
6. Avoid Over-Aggression or Payment
Do not assume people need to be paid or pushed aggressively to agree to your requests, as money often doesn’t increase compliance, and overly aggressive arguments can cause people to shut down. A more subtle, gentle, and direct approach is often more effective.
7. Focus on Gist, Not Perfect Phrasing
Don’t hold back from speaking up due to fear of imperfect phrasing or awkwardness, as people tend to remember the broad strokes of what you say rather than specific details. Simply expressing your opinion or stance is more important than perfect articulation for shaping understanding.
8. Guard Against Spreading Bullshit
Be aware that people tend to assume what you say is true, even if you haven’t vetted it, leading to the proliferation of misinformation, especially if it’s emotionally charged. Take responsibility for the information you share, as your casual comments can set norms and have far-reaching, potentially toxic, impacts.
9. Power Amplifies Unseen Influence
If you are in a position of power, be especially aware that your influence is greater than you perceive, with even mild suggestions being interpreted as commands. You may also be less adept at understanding others’ perspectives, so remember that subordinates feel more constrained and less able to say no than you might.
10. Recognize Your Visible Presence
Understand that people notice you more in your everyday life than you think, even when you feel invisible. Be aware that your ordinary actions and behaviors are observed and can influence others through ‘behavior contagion.’
11. Be Mindful of Behavior Contagion
Recognize that your actions, such as adopting new behaviors, are noticed by others more than you realize and can spread through social networks. This tells them what the norms of the situation are and leads them to adopt similar behaviors.
12. Visualize Your Role in Dynamics
To better understand your influence and contribution to group or relationship dynamics, practice taking a third-party, ‘fly-on-the-wall’ perspective. This allows you to visually see yourself within a scene and recognize your impact more clearly.
13. Get, Don’t Just Take, Perspective
Instead of merely guessing what others are thinking or feeling (which is often inaccurate), actively ‘get’ perspective by asking direct questions. Collecting information from outside your own head, ideally by asking them directly, leads to much more accurate understanding of their thoughts and how your actions affect them.
14. Actively Test Your Influence
Proactively test your influence in positive domains by asking for things or giving compliments, as you’ll often find that people are more receptive and less rejecting than you expect. This direct experience helps you realize the extent of your positive impact on others.
15. Write Down Your Speaking Points
To overcome anxiety and loss of thought during public speaking, write down what you want to say and don’t be afraid to read it. This helps ensure you can articulate your points clearly and effectively.
16. Speak Once to Your Children
Avoid repeating instructions to children over and over, as they may tune out overly assertive communication. Instead, trust that they hear what you say, even if they don’t acknowledge it immediately, and the message may percolate and be acted upon later.
6 Key Quotes
You are describing this horrible experience, but I'm looking at this data. And actually most people seem to be saying yes to you. And even when they're not, they seem to be being really nice to you. So, you know, what's going on? What's this sort of disconnect between how you experienced those interactions with people and how they were actually going?
Frank Flynn (as quoted by Vanessa Bohns)
We are more helpful than people anticipate us being, and that's true both ways, right? Like other people are more helpful than we anticipate. So there's actually a happy story here. But there's also sort of a darker story, which we find as well, which is that it's also just really hard to say no in the moment when someone's asking you for something.
Vanessa Bohns
With great power comes this responsibility that actually you do want to think twice before you ask someone for something, because they may actually find it difficult to say no to you if they don't want to do it.
Vanessa Bohns
When we think about how much influence we have, the first mistake we make is underestimating how much other people pay attention to us.
Vanessa Bohns
When you're in a position of power, your whisper sounds like a shout.
Adam Glinski (as quoted by Vanessa Bohns)
For you, it feels like the world is ending, but for everybody else, it's only mildly amusing.
Dan Harris (quoting a former boss)
4 Protocols
Strategy for Saying No
Vanessa Bohns- When asked for something on the spot, say 'Let me think about that.'
- Take time to make a mindful decision about whether to agree.
- Communicate your decision, ideally over email, to allow for careful wording and explanation of your refusal.
Visualizing to Understand Personal Influence
Vanessa Bohns- Recall a past interaction or argument.
- Imagine the scene from a third-party, 'fly-on-the-wall' perspective.
- Observe your own actions and contributions to the dynamic as if you were an outside observer to better understand your impact.
Getting Perspective for Accuracy
Vanessa Bohns- Instead of guessing what someone else is thinking or feeling, actively seek information.
- Ask the person directly, 'What do you think about this thing?'
- Collect outside information from people around them or relevant resources to gain accurate insight into their perspective.
Experiencing Your Influence (Positive Domains)
Vanessa Bohns- Conduct small 'experiments' by asking people for things you genuinely need help with or want.
- Observe that people are more likely to agree and respond positively than you expect.
- Practice expressing compliments and gratitude to others, noticing their positive reactions and how it makes you feel.