The Scientific Case for Self-Compassion | Chris Germer
Chris Germer, a clinical psychologist and lecturer on psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, discusses self-compassion as the foundational "uber habit" for New Year's resolutions. He explains its scientific benefits, how to practice it, and its connection to healing shame and fostering authenticity and compassion for others.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to the New Year's Self-Compassion Series
Chris Germer's Personal Journey to Self-Compassion
Distinguishing Mindfulness from Self-Compassion
Initial Aversion to Loving-Kindness Meditation
Current Approach to Public Speaking Anxiety
Cultural and Personal Obstacles to Self-Compassion
Self-Compassion as the Upstream Habit for Resolutions
The Role of Core Values in Motivation
Self-Compassion and Authenticity
Addressing Skepticism: Self-Compassion and Motivation
Practical Steps to Cultivate Self-Compassion
Integrating Self-Compassion into Meditation Practice
Experiencing 'Backdraft' During Self-Compassion Practice
The Link Between Self-Compassion and Other-Compassion
Listener Voicemail: Gratitude and Shame
Listener Voicemail: Self-Criticism in Caregivers
8 Key Concepts
Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a loving awareness of the experiencer or the person, allowing individuals to hold themselves as imperfect. This capacity then enables them to more readily hold and process their difficult experiences.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a loving awareness of moment-to-moment experience, focusing on present sensations or emotions. It creates the necessary space to observe what is happening without immediate judgment.
Shame Disorder
A shame disorder is when an apparent problem, like anxiety, is actually a symptom of a deeper, underlying fear of being perceived as incompetent, fraudulent, or stupid. Addressing the shame, rather than just the anxiety, is key to resolution.
Subtle Aggression of Self-Improvement
This concept describes New Year's resolutions or self-improvement efforts that are subtly driven by inadequacy or shame. Such intentions can be demotivating and carry the seeds of their own failure.
Core Values
Core values are fundamental principles that give one's life meaning, such as creativity, adventure, or compassion. Connecting to these values provides genuine, clean-burning energy and motivation, unlike goals driven by social norms or inadequacy.
Authenticity
Authenticity means that one's thoughts, words, emotions, and actions are in alignment. This alignment fosters self-trust, reduces second-guessing, and allows one to remain unshakable even in difficult circumstances.
Backdraft (Self-Compassion)
Backdraft refers to the phenomenon where practicing self-compassion can initially bring up uncomfortable or previously unacknowledged emotions and memories. This is seen as a blessing, as it provides an opportunity to heal old relational wounds and transform difficult experiences.
Earned Attachment / Reparenting
This describes the process of developing inner security and a secure base within oneself through self-compassion practice. By consciously bringing kindness to past relational wounds, individuals can transform these experiences and essentially 'reparent' themselves.
10 Questions Answered
Mindfulness is a loving awareness of present moment experience, while self-compassion is a loving awareness directed towards oneself as the experiencer, allowing for acceptance of one's imperfections.
Resistance often stems from cultural prohibitions against self-kindness (viewed as selfish) and personal obstacles like ambition-driven habits of pushing through feelings, or fears that self-kindness will lead to weakness or failure.
Self-compassion cultivates authenticity, increases motivation, and helps individuals see more clearly who they are and what is doable. Resolutions based on self-love and core values burn cleaner and are more sustainable than those driven by shame or inadequacy.
No, research indicates that self-compassionate individuals live closer to their core values, have more energy to pursue goals, and maintain high aspirations with greater effort. True self-compassion involves caring for oneself in the deepest way, considering long-term well-being.
Begin by asking 'What do I need?' to comfort, soothe, validate, protect, provide for, or motivate yourself. Alternatively, when in a tough spot, ask 'How would I treat a really good friend right now?' to guide your response.
Self-compassion can be layered onto mindfulness meditation by intentionally bringing warmth to awareness and directing it towards oneself, often after a period of breath meditation. Experimentation is key, as individual needs and practices vary.
The practice of compassion evokes one's personal relationship history and relational wounds, causing 'backdraft' where old, uncomfortable feelings surface. This is a natural part of the healing process, as the mind brings up issues when it feels safe enough to transform them.
Yes, research consistently shows that self-compassion training increases compassion for others. The human capacity to care is omnidirectional, meaning that training one aspect of compassion tends to strengthen it across the board.
When shame arises, mindfully notice it, recognize it as a common human experience, and then drop the awareness from the mind into the body. Locate where the shame is felt and bring kindness to that specific body part through gentle touch, words, or listening to what it needs.
It's common for self-critical individuals to notice increased self-criticism when starting self-kindness practices; this is a sign that the practice is working by revealing hidden patterns. Patience and persistent cultivation of the intention to be kind will eventually lead to a deeper, heartfelt tenderness towards oneself, even if it doesn't feel good immediately.
18 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Self-Compassion as Uber Habit
Before initiating new habits like exercise or diet, cultivate a warmer, friendlier attitude towards yourself and ‘have your own back,’ as this upstream habit of self-compassion is a more effective and wiser foundation for change.
2. Base Resolutions on Core Values
When setting intentions for change, ensure they arise from love and a deep appreciation of who you are, rather than inadequacy or shame, to create a foundation for sustainable motivation.
3. Define Core Values for Motivation
Shift your focus from specific goals (e.g., ’lose 20 pounds’) to your core values (e.g., ‘be as healthy as possible’), as genuine core values energize you and provide a sustainable, kindness-based motivation.
4. Understand Core Values for Self-Compassion
To genuinely be compassionate with yourself, understand your core values, as these define who you are and what gives your life meaning, allowing you to be kind to the authentic person you are.
5. Practice Deep Self-Care
Understand that true self-compassion involves caring for yourself in the deepest way, considering both short-term and long-term benefits to avoid actions that diminish your quality of life or lead to resignation.
6. Ask “What Do I Need?” Regularly
Make it a profound self-compassionate act to regularly ask yourself, ‘What do I need?’ and then explore specific needs like comfort, soothing, validation, protection, provision, or motivation.
7. Treat Yourself Like a Friend
When in a tough spot, ask yourself how you would treat a really good friend in the same predicament, then apply that same attitude, words, and actions to yourself instead of defaulting to self-criticism.
8. Be Patient on Self-Compassion Journey
Recognize that cultivating self-compassion is a long-term process requiring patience, and practice self-compassion towards yourself when you notice you’re struggling or not applying the skills.
9. Cultivate Authenticity
Strive for alignment between your thoughts, words, emotions, and actions, as this fosters self-trust and allows you to be unshakable, leading to a more genuine and compassionate self-relationship.
10. Cultivate Mindfulness for Self-Compassion
Practice any form of meditation that allows you to stop and self-observe, as this builds the capacity to be present to your experience in daily life, creating space for a compassionate response.
11. Add Intentional Warmth to Meditation
Complement mindfulness by intentionally adding warmth to your meditation practice, directing it towards yourself through images, warming the breath, kind language, or self-touch, especially after initial mindfulness settles the mind.
12. Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation
Sit on a cushion and repeat kind phrases to yourself, such as ‘May I be safe, may I be peaceful, may I be healthy,’ especially when feeling frightened or distressed, as this can comfort yourself and reduce self-absorption.
13. Use Physical Self-Soothing
When feeling anxious, place a hand over your chest or belly and gently rub your body while making soft sounds like ‘oh, yeah,’ to activate a physiology of safety and security.
14. Explore Resistance to Self-Compassion
When encountering difficulty with self-compassion practices (like putting a hand over your heart), explore what comes up for you and ask why it feels difficult, as this can reveal underlying training or beliefs.
15. Embrace Discomfort as Healing
When practicing self-compassion, expect uncomfortable feelings or old wounds to arise; this ‘backdraft’ is a natural part of the process, as the mind reveals what needs healing, offering an opportunity to reparent yourself with kindness.
16. Focus on Goodwill, Not Feelings
Understand that loving-kindness meditation is about cultivating the intention of goodwill towards yourself, rather than solely seeking pleasant feelings, as difficult emotions will inevitably arise as part of the healing process.
17. Apply Three Aspects to Shame
When gratitude triggers shame, mindfully notice the shame, recognize it as a common human experience, and then direct kindness to the physical sensation of shame in your body (e.g., by rubbing the area, talking to it, or listening).
18. Be Patient with Self-Criticism
When cultivating self-kindness, expect to become more vividly aware of your inner self-criticism; continue to saturate yourself with kindness and patience, trusting that your heart will eventually open.
8 Key Quotes
Self-compassion very quickly turns into compassion for others.
Chris Germer
Public speaking anxiety, for me, was a shame disorder.
Chris Germer
Mindfulness is kind of a loving awareness of moment-to-moment experience, like this physical sensation or this emotion. Self-compassion is a loving awareness of the experiencer or the person.
Chris Germer
There's often a subtle aggression to self-improvement.
Dan Harris
It's not kind to ourselves to live a life of resignation. It's not kind to ourselves to be sloppy.
Chris Germer
Love reveals everything unlike itself.
Chris Germer
Loving kindness meditation is not about good feelings. It's about goodwill.
Chris Germer
Because as we are, our hearts are a little closed from suffering. And so we cannot place the holy words in our hearts. So we place them on our hearts until one day our hearts open and the words fall in.
Chris Germer
4 Protocols
Responding to Anxiety with Self-Compassion
Chris Germer- Realize when you are feeling anxious.
- Put a hand over your chest, maybe a hand over your belly.
- Gently rub your body in that way.
- Make some sounds like, 'oh, yeah, oh, yeah.'
- This activates a different physiology of safety and security.
Starting the Journey to Self-Compassion (Two Questions)
Chris Germer- Ask yourself the quintessential self-compassion question: 'What do you need?' (e.g., to comfort, soothe, validate, protect, provide for, or motivate yourself).
- When in a tough spot, ask: 'How would I treat a really good friend right now?' (What would I say, do, or what would my attitude be if they were in the same predicament?).
The NEFF Three-Step for Difficult Emotions
Dan Harris- Mindfully notice the difficult emotion or experience that comes up.
- Get some perspective by knowing that millions of other people are likely suffering from something very similar (common humanity).
- Bring some kindness to the experience, such as putting a hand on the part of your body where you're feeling it or saying kind words to yourself.
Addressing Shame During Gratitude Practice
Chris Germer- Mindfully notice when shame arises while practicing gratitude.
- Understand that this experience is part of common humanity.
- Drop the awareness out of the mind and down into the body, finding where the shame is located (e.g., throat, chest, belly).
- Be super kind to that part of your body that is holding the emotion; you can rub it, talk to it, or listen to what that part wants you to know.