The Sex Episode | Devon and Craig Hase
Dharma practitioners Devon and Craig Hase discuss integrating mindfulness and meditation into sex, exploring how to use sexual energy for awakening. They offer practical steps to enhance intimacy and dismantle cultural narratives around sex, drawing from their personal experiences including a year of celibacy.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Introduction to Sex and Buddhism
Reasons for Buddhism's Silence on Sex
Vajrayana and Tantric Sex Practices
Dangers of Advanced Tantric Practices
Integrating Levity and Humor into Sex
Cultural Influences on Sex: Patriarchy, Objectification, Consumerism
Sex as a Path to Awakening and Freedom
Bringing Meditative Practice into Everyday Sex
De-centering Intercourse in Sexual Practice
Maintaining Mindfulness and Communication During Sex
Dan's Personal Experience with Meditation and Sex
The Practice and Impact of a Year of Celibacy
Re-engaging with Sexuality After Celibacy
Addressing Resistance to Extended Sexual Exploration
Integrating Mindfulness into Dating and New Relationships
Self-Knowledge and Acceptance for Better Sex
The Concept of Not-Self (Anatta) in Sexual Intimacy
5 Key Concepts
Vajrayana/Tibetan Buddhism's Sexual Practices
This lineage includes sophisticated and technical practices involving subtle body work with channels, winds, and drops (prana, nadi, bindu) to control energy circulation, including sexual practices. These are not widely taught due to the potential for energetic imbalance if one lacks a strong meditation foundation.
Trinity of Bad Sex
This framework identifies three cultural constructs that unconsciously shape negative sexual experiences: Patriarchy (prioritizing men's pleasure), Objectification (viewing oneself from an external perspective), and Consumerism (treating the body as a commodity). Meditation practice can help dismantle these internalized biases.
De-centering Intercourse
This is a shift in perspective that moves away from ejaculation or penetrative sex as the sole or primary goal of sexual encounters. It opens up space for more creative, diverse, and extended forms of sensual and intimate connection, including various types of touching, massage, and breathing techniques.
Radical Allowing in Sex
This concept involves applying moment-to-moment mindfulness to sexual experience, openly acknowledging and communicating all arising sensations, emotions (like shame, insecurity, or fear), and thoughts. It encourages being authentic with a partner rather than adhering to prescribed formulas or expectations.
Not-Self (Anatta) in Sex
Applying the Buddhist concept of not-self to sexual experience means viewing arising sensations and emotions as impersonal nature unfolding, rather than taking them personally. This perspective helps reduce suffering, fosters freedom, and allows for a deeper understanding of interdependence and connection.
8 Questions Answered
Buddhists often avoid discussing sex because, in mainstream culture, people generally don't talk about it. Additionally, early Buddhist traditions, particularly Vipassana, were heavily monastic and celibate, leading to a reticence passed down through lineages.
Tantric sex practices, found in Vajrayana Buddhism, are highly technical and sophisticated. They involve subtle body work with channels, winds, and drops (prana, nadi, bindu) to control energy circulation, but are not widely taught due to the potential for energetic imbalance without a strong meditation foundation.
Cultural narratives, described as a 'trinity of bad sex,' include patriarchy (men's pleasure prioritized), objectification (viewing one's body from an external perspective), and consumerism (treating the body as a commodity). These unconsciously shape expectations and can lead to feelings of numbness, emptiness, or separation during sex.
Mindfulness brings awareness back to the body, allowing one to feel sensations from the inside out and wake up to the complexities of emotions like shame and insecurity. This practice helps dismantle cultural conditioning and fosters authentic connection.
Yes, de-centering intercourse means moving beyond ejaculation as the primary goal, which can unlock more creativity and allow for a wider range of sensual and intimate experiences, including various forms of touching, massage, and breathing techniques.
Maintaining mindfulness involves 'radical allowing'—being real with your partner about what's happening in your mind and body, including distractions or fantasies, and communicating these experiences without adhering to prescribed formulas. It also involves not taking things personally, viewing experiences as nature unfolding.
They undertook a year of celibacy, including no two-person or one-person sex, during a life transition to concentrate more fully on meditation practice and mark a clear boundary. It led to Craig experiencing more freedom with his sexual energy, no longer obsessing over ejaculation, and Devon unpacking a 'superiority complex' about celibacy, exploring self-touch, and discovering a wellspring of energy and wholesome desire.
The more one understands their own heart, mind, and sensational body through meditation, the more playful and connected they can be with their partner. Self-knowledge reduces fear of one's inner world, allowing for greater acceptance of a partner's intensity and fostering deeper intimacy and understanding.
21 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Self-Knowledge & Acceptance
Deepen self-knowledge and acceptance through meditation by observing your heart, mind, and body, embracing your authentic self and the ’not-self’ view (anatta) to see experiences as nature unfolding without personal attachment, which enhances intimacy, connection, and overall well-being.
2. Dismantle Unconscious Biases
Use meditation practice to identify and decouple from unconscious biases (e.g., patriarchy, objectification, consumerism) related to sex and body image, recognizing them as illusions to foster genuine intimate connection.
3. Engage Sex as Meditation
Engage sex as a meditation practice to learn about your mind, body, and heart, recognizing its potential for awakening within the spiritual path.
4. Bring Mindfulness to Sex
Bring mindfulness meditation into sex by coming home to your body, feeling sensations from the inside out, and allowing all emotions (shame, insecurity, fear) to arise, which can free you from cultural conditioning and neuroses.
5. Unplug, Slow Down, Re-inhabit
Unplug from all screens (phones, computers, TV) and lie down with your partner for 10-20 minutes to let the day wash off, then initiate gentle physical contact like holding hands or making eye contact, and re-inhabit your body by feeling its sensations (even unpleasant ones) to act authentically and foster genuine sexual union.
6. Decenter Intercourse
Decenter intercourse by breaking down the traditional script of sex (e.g., obsession with ejaculation as the endpoint) to allow for more creative and varied sensual and sexual encounters.
7. Practice Mindful Communication
Practice moment-to-moment mindfulness during sex by radically allowing whatever arises (thoughts, fantasies, distractions, sensations) and communicating it honestly to your partner, breaking free from prescribed formulas.
8. Apply ‘Not-Self’ View
Apply the ’not-self’ view to sex by not taking experiences personally, seeing them as nature unfolding, which reduces seriousness, performance anxiety, and fosters self-knowledge and freedom.
9. Break Through Sex Resistance
Practice breaking through resistance to sex (similar to meditation) by engaging in ‘unsexy foreplay’ like slowing down and unplugging, allowing difficult emotions to arise, and being silly to find openness and learn from the experience.
10. Explore Self-Touch
Explore self-touch and personal sexuality to understand resistance, shame, and what feels good in your body, fostering a sense of wholeness and independence in intimate encounters and tapping into a wellspring of energy and wholesome desire.
11. Prioritize Sensuality
Prioritize sensuality (alone and with others) beyond intercourse, using meditation principles to dismantle biases through everyday sensory experiences, conversations, and shared activities, treating these as important ‘foreplay’ for deeper intimacy.
12. Seek Open-Minded Partners
Seek partners who are open to a more playful, open, spontaneous, and mindfulness-oriented approach to sexuality, and invite them to explore these practices early in a relationship.
13. Communicate Early Interests
Communicate your interests and desired approach to intimacy early in a relationship (e.g., by sharing books or discussing preferences) to ’train’ your partner and set expectations.
14. Be Embodied During Sex
Be embodied during sex to wake up your body, making it more alive and vivid, which can open your heart, senses, and contribute to a more whole and full human experience that extends into daily life and meditation.
15. Reawaken Eros
Re-engage in sexual exploration after a period of celibacy to reawaken eros and a special sense of connection with a partner, beyond spiritual friendship.
16. Identify Autopilot Areas
Identify areas of life (like sex or eating) where you operate on autopilot and intentionally bring mindful awareness to them for exploration and growth.
17. Use Goofy Warm-ups
Use goofy warm-up exercises (shaking, laughing, dancing) before intimacy to shake off stress and prepare for genuine connection.
18. Consider Celibacy
Consider a period of celibacy (no two-person or one-person sex) to concentrate more fully on meditation practice and mark life transitions.
19. Shave Head for Non-Clinging
Shave your head (especially if female) as a practice of non-clinging and to explore identity beyond body image, accepting the initial difficulty for potential joy and freedom.
20. Dance to Shake Nerves
Dance to incredibly stupid pop music to shake out jangled nerves before an important event or conversation.
21. Sign Up for Challenge
Sign up for the ‘Summer Sanity Challenge,’ a free 21-day meditation challenge offering daily short videos and guided meditations, to start or deepen a meditation practice.
7 Key Quotes
most people don't talk about sex... and when we asked them further like well do you talk to your partner about sex and do you talk about sex during sex at least the people that we were asking they said no no.
Craig Hase
I think you can get imbalanced energetically very easily through meditation and you might have even experienced this you know when we go on a long retreat we sit for a long time there's a kind of concentration that builds in the mind we're really front face to face front and center with all of our neuroses and it's easy to get unbalanced.
Devon Hase
this trinity of bad sex is what we call it so we talk about patriarchy which says that men are first and everybody else's comes later and then objectification which is the sense of looking at ourselves from the outside right all of the culture of social media and self-use etc and then consumerism which is like my body is a commodity to either be given away or to own.
Devon Hase
the personal being political absolutely and I think you know part of our interest in sex and sexuality is that it can actually have the potential for awakening.
Craig Hase
the more you can break down the script the more creative the sexual encounter will become and you don't even necessarily know where it will go.
Craig Hase
freedom is really allowing ourselves to be completely authentically who we really are and that's inspiring to me what is it that's here it's really what motivates all of my meditation is like there's so much here that does not meet the eye and is beyond what i perceive.
Devon Hase
when the cooler you can get with your dumpster fire the cooler you will be with your partner during sex and as you said devin the cooler you will be with everything and therefore everything gets better.
Dan Harris
1 Protocols
Three Steps for Mindful Sex
Craig Hase- Unplug: Turn off phones, computers, and TV. Get away from screens and lie down together (e.g., on the living room floor) for 10-20 minutes to let the day wash off without pressure to be sexual.
- Slow Down: Come into contact with each other, perhaps by holding hands or making eye contact, to begin the process of coming together.
- Take Back Your Body: Re-inhabit your physical form, feeling what it feels like (even if it's numbness, resistance, or agitation), to allow for authentic interaction and genuine sexual union.