The Surprising Power of "Healthy Embarrassment" | Koshin Paley Ellison
Dan Harris interviews Koshin Paley Ellison, an author, Zen teacher, Jungian psychotherapist, and Certified Chaplaincy Educator, about his new book 'Untangled' and the Buddhist Eightfold Path. They discuss how to apply these ancient teachings to modern life, emphasizing 'healthy embarrassment' over shame and aligning actions with values.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Healthy Embarrassment and Koshin Paley Ellison
The Eightfold Path: Buddha's Recipe for Enlightenment
Connecting the Eightfold Path to the Four Noble Truths
Right View: Taking Responsibility and Cultivating Healthy Embarrassment
Distinguishing Healthy Embarrassment from Shame
Right Intent: Bridging the Gap Between Values and Actions
The Ethical Branches: Right Speech, Action, and Livelihood
Right Speech: Internal Dialogue, Truthfulness, and Gossip
Right Action: Taking Responsibility and Not 'Killing' Moments
Right Livelihood: Finding Meaning and Connection in Work
The Meditation Branches: Right Effort, Attention, and Concentration
Right Effort: Sustained Practice and Avoiding Overworking
Right Attention (Mindfulness): Deep Presence and Combating Loneliness
Right Concentration: Seated Meditation as a Culmination of Practice
The Non-Linearity of the Path and Koshin's Ninth Fold: Mystery
Embracing Imperfection Over the Pursuit of Perfection
10 Key Concepts
Healthy Embarrassment
This is an alternative to shame, allowing one to skillfully work with personal 'baggage' or 'demons' without being owned by them. It's a humbling, spacious way to acknowledge one's shortcomings and the gap between values and actions, leading to compassion and connection with others.
The Eightfold Path
Described as the Buddha's recipe for enlightenment, it is the fourth of the Four Noble Truths. It outlines eight practices or 'folds' that provide a clear guide for how to tend to a life where suffering exists and how to find a way out, requiring continuous practice.
The Four Noble Truths
These are foundational Buddhist teachings: 1) there is suffering in life, 2) there are causes of suffering (greed, resentment, delusion), 3) suffering can be changed, and 4) there is a path to change, which is the Eightfold Path.
Right View
This practice involves taking responsibility for how one creates personal suffering and 'tangles.' It means seeing that our minds are often out of control and our actions may not align with our professed values, prompting healthy embarrassment rather than shame.
Right Speech
This practice extends beyond literal utterances to include how we speak to ourselves in our thoughts and the impact of our words. It involves examining the stories we tell ourselves, asking if what we say is true, kind, and necessary, and learning when to speak up or remain silent.
Right Action
This practice involves attuning to the appropriate size and context of one's actions, recognizing how one takes up space, and taking responsibility for one's 'baggage.' It encourages acting spontaneously and lively rather than letting habitual patterns 'kill' moments or energy in a room.
Right Livelihood
This practice views work as an opportunity to observe one's mind and find meaning. It's about engaging one's work with integrity, connecting to one's values, and bringing a quality of mind that fosters connection and gratitude, regardless of the task.
Right Effort
This practice emphasizes continuous, sustained engagement with one's training, recognizing it as a lifelong journey. It involves finding the right balance between not doing enough and overworking, and courageously meeting what is hard, uncomfortable, and challenging without stepping away.
Right Attention (Mindfulness)
This practice is about paying deep, present attention to what is actually happening, both internally and externally. It involves stepping forward to care for people and fosters connection, helping to combat feelings of loneliness.
Right Concentration
This practice primarily refers to seated meditation, which is positioned at the end of the Eightfold Path. It is understood as a place of practice that is most effective when the preparatory work of addressing one's 'baggage' and cultivating the other aspects of the path has been undertaken.
14 Questions Answered
An alternative to shame and denial is to approach one's 'stuff' with 'healthy embarrassment,' which allows for skillful work with personal baggage so it doesn't own you, improving relationships and happiness.
The Eightfold Path is the Buddha's eight-step recipe for enlightenment, a clear prescription for healing and waking up that requires continuous practice and effort.
The Eightfold Path is the fourth of the Four Noble Truths, which state that there is suffering, causes of suffering, that suffering can change, and the path to change is the Eightfold Path itself.
Right view is the practice of taking responsibility for how one creates suffering and tangles, acknowledging the gap between what one values and what one actually does, often with a sense of healthy embarrassment.
Shame is paralytic and personal, making one feel something is wrong with them, while healthy embarrassment is delightful and humbling, allowing one to acknowledge mistakes spaciously, learn from them, and connect with the shared human experience of imperfection.
Right intent is the practice of having a correct perspective and actively closing the gap between one's intentions and what one is actually doing in the moment, ensuring rigor in aligning values with actions.
Right speech involves mindful communication that starts with the stories we tell ourselves, considers the impact of our words, and adheres to principles of truthfulness, kindness, and necessity, knowing when to speak or remain silent.
Gossip can be connecting with close friends when trying to understand behavior, but it depends on the context, degree, and whether it creates harm, especially when spreading untruths to people one doesn't know well.
Right action involves attuning to the appropriate size of one's actions, taking responsibility for one's 'baggage' to avoid 'killing' moments or energy in a room, and acting spontaneously and lively rather than being owned by past patterns.
Right livelihood is about finding meaning and connection in one's work, using it as a place of practice to observe the mind, and bringing a quality of presence and gratitude to tasks, recognizing how one's work serves the community.
Right effort is the capacity for continuous, sustained training, recognizing it as a lifelong journey, and finding the balance between not doing enough and overworking, courageously facing discomfort and challenges.
Right attention is paying deep, present attention to what is happening, both internally and externally, fostering connection with others, and stepping forward to care, which helps combat loneliness.
Right concentration, typically referring to seated meditation, is placed near the end because it is most effectively practiced after one has done the preparatory work of addressing personal 'baggage' and cultivating the other aspects of the Eightfold Path, creating a held context for meditation.
Koshin Paley Ellison suggests adding 'mystery' as a ninth fold to emphasize that the path is never truly 'done,' that it flows into itself, is not linear, and can be engaged on many different levels.
36 Actionable Insights
1. Don’t Squander Your Life
Live your life fully and purposefully, avoiding squandering your time and opportunities. This serves as a fundamental exhortation to make the most of your existence.
2. Prioritize Practice with a Vow
Make a conscious vow to prioritize your practice (e.g., meditation, self-reflection) and orient your life around it, rather than trying to fit it in only when convenient. This requires a deliberate decision to center practice.
3. Bridge Values-Action Gap
Cultivate ‘right view’ by examining how you create your own suffering and tangles, taking responsibility for it. Develop a humbling, healthy embarrassment about the gap between your stated values and actual behavior, using it to bridge that gap.
4. Approach Baggage with Healthy Embarrassment
Approach personal ‘baggage’ (demons, past, secrets) with healthy embarrassment instead of shame or denial. This helps you work skillfully with your issues so they don’t control you and can improve relationships.
5. Be Still with Pain
To achieve freedom, learn to be still and present with your pain. This involves allowing the ‘ouch’ of embarrassment or discomfort without avoiding it, as true freedom comes from facing it.
6. Practice for World Connection
Practice to become more intimate, serving, and connected to the world, rather than for self-centered reasons. Overcoming self-consciousness and self-centeredness reduces suffering and fosters connection.
7. Commit to Continuous Effort
Cultivate ‘right effort’ by committing to continuous, long-term practice, recognizing it as a lifetime journey. Avoid merely ’trying things out’ and instead, stay persistently engaged for sustained growth.
8. Embrace Mistakes, Keep Going
Adopt a mindset of ‘fall down seven times, get up eight times’ regarding mistakes. Cultivate a new relationship with your mistakes, viewing them as part of being human rather than personal failings.
9. Don’t Over-Personalize Mistakes
Avoid over-personalizing mistakes; instead, recognize them as part of the human experience. Stay with the discomfort of mistakes long enough to fully experience them, fostering self-compassion.
10. Align Intent with Action
Practice ‘right intent’ by rigorously examining the gap between your stated intentions/perspectives and your actual actions. Actively work to align your intentions with your behavior to close this gap.
11. Examine Internal Stories
Practice ‘right speech’ by first examining the stories and repetitive thought patterns you tell yourself about what’s happening. Recognize that your internal ‘speech’ shapes your interpretation of the world.
12. Prepare for Seated Meditation
Approach seated meditation (right concentration) after doing the preparatory work of examining and unpacking your personal ‘baggage’ and difficulties. This foundational work makes deep concentration more accessible.
13. Attend to All Eightfold Path
Understand that the Eightfold Path creates the necessary conditions for effective meditation. Attend to all aspects of the path rather than jumping directly into meditation without preparation.
14. Engage All Path Simultaneously
Engage with all aspects of the Eightfold Path simultaneously, recognizing that they are interconnected and mutually reinforcing. Embrace the dynamic, ongoing nature of practice, understanding that you are ’never done’.
15. Unpack Your “Big Bag”
Unpack your ‘big bag’ of past burdens and self-perceptions (e.g., ‘I’m great’ or ‘I’m the worst’) to act spontaneously and genuinely. This prevents you from ‘killing’ the present moment or others’ experiences by projecting your past.
16. Take Action, Don’t Wait
Counter the habit of waiting for others to take care of you; instead, show up and take action yourself. Avoid relying on a ‘great babysitter’ mentality for your responsibilities.
17. Balance Effort, Avoid Overwork
Practice ‘right effort’ by finding a balance between not doing enough and overworking. Avoid driving yourself into the ground; instead, assess if you’re making things unnecessarily difficult for yourself.
18. Embrace Discomfort in Practice
Expect practice to be hard, uncomfortable, and challenging. Meeting these difficulties is a sign of genuine engagement; if you’re not facing discomfort, you may not be truly practicing.
19. Attune to “Right Amount” of Effort
Learn to attune your effort to the ‘right amount,’ avoiding both too much and too little. This balance is essential for sustainable and effective practice in all areas of life.
20. Seek Support in Hard Practice
When practice gets hard, be clear and courageous, focusing on whether you are truly engaged and not stepping away from your stated intentions. Seek support from teachers and companions, as this journey cannot be done alone.
21. Let Go of Rigid Ideology
Learn to let go of rigid ideologies or beliefs that you are ‘charging ahead’ with. Putting these down can be relaxing and allow for more spontaneous, kind action, rather than being a ‘killer’ of energy.
22. Work as Mind Practice
View your work as a ‘place of practice’ to observe your mind. Use your job as an opportunity to understand your mental processes and reactions, bringing mindfulness to your daily tasks.
23. Connect to Work’s Purpose
Connect deeply with the purpose and impact of your work. Understanding how your work serves others or contributes to the world fosters a sense of belonging and meaning.
24. Mindfully Serve in Undesirable Tasks
Approach even undesirable tasks (like cleaning toilets) with a mindful attitude, recognizing them as opportunities to serve the community and bring your full attention. This transforms mundane chores into acts of care.
25. Pay Attention, Care for Others
Counter loneliness by actively stepping forward and paying attention to others, demonstrating care. Make a conscious effort to remember to pay attention, fostering deeper connections.
26. Practice Buddhism as Action
Treat Buddhism (and the Eightfold Path) as something to do rather than just believe in. This emphasizes active practice and following instructions to integrate teachings into daily life.
27. Notice Distractions, Gently Return
Develop an ‘acuity of attention’ to notice distractions and gently return to your practice. This involves a loving and acute awareness without judgment, continuously bringing your mind back.
28. Use “Story I’m Telling Myself”
When communicating, use the phrase ‘The story I’m telling myself is…’ to express your interpretations without sounding accusatory. This fosters open dialogue and is a form of right speech.
29. Speak Kindly, Helpfully, Necessarily
Before speaking, ask yourself if your words are kind, helpful, and necessary, and if they truly need to be said at that moment. This helps practice mindful communication and prevents harsh speech.
30. Practice Silence, Allow Discovery
Practice silence and restraint in conversation, allowing others space to discover and speak. This means not always feeling the need to fill space or say everything you think.
31. Speak Up, Take Space
If you tend to withhold speech, practice sharing more and speaking up to take up appropriate space in conversations. This balances the tendency to be too quiet and ensures your voice is heard when needed.
32. Speak Truthfully, Avoid Lies
Before speaking, verify if what you are about to say is true. Practice speaking the truth and avoid covering up facts, as this is a core aspect of right speech and integrity.
33. Mindful of Words and Silence
Recognize that both words and silence have consequences. Avoid harsh speech, including silence when it means not speaking up against injustice, as both can have significant impact.
34. Gossip Mindfully with Close Friends
When engaging in ‘gossip’ with close friends, do so with the intent of understanding people or with a sense of humor, ensuring it does not create harm. Be mindful of the context (time, degree, condition, place).
35. Attune to Action’s “Right Size”
Practice ‘right action’ by attuning to the appropriate ‘size’ of your actions in any given space and time. Be aware of how much space you are taking up and adjust accordingly to avoid ‘killing’ the energy in a room.
36. Prioritize Liveliness, Not Perfection
Prioritize liveliness, service, love, and vitality over the pursuit of perfection or control. Recognize that perfection is not the goal of a meaningful life and can lead to sadness.
9 Key Quotes
Oh, house builder, thou art seen at last. The ridge pole is shattered. Nevermore will you build a house of sorrow.
Shakyamuni Buddha (as recounted by Koshin Paley Ellison)
It's not something to believe in. It's something to do.
Dan Harris
Fall down seven times, get up eight times.
Koshin Paley Ellison
You'll never be free until you can be still with your pain.
Sensei White
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Koshin Paley Ellison
Every word has consequences. Every silence, too.
Koshin Paley Ellison
Our work is to put the bag down and pull out all the things that we are just carrying around that burden us.
Koshin Paley Ellison
It's just so painful that so few people stay with their training.
Maizumi Roshi (as recounted by Koshin Paley Ellison)
Perfection is not so important. I've never met a dying person who's like, I'm so glad I tried to control everything and was trying, oh, so perfect yet to meet someone like that.
Koshin Paley Ellison