The Ultimate New Year's Resolution | Susan Piver and Jeff Warren
Dan Harris kicks off a New Year's series with meditation teachers Susan Piver and Jeff Warren, focusing on self-love and self-compassion. They discuss how to cultivate these qualities through meditation and address listener questions about inner critics, self-acceptance, and balancing self-care with productivity.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to New Year's Self-Love Theme
Overview of the 21-Day Meditation Challenge
Defining Self-Love, Self-Acceptance, and Self-Esteem
Adding Warmth and Kindness to Meditation Practice
Meditation's Role in Cultivating Self-Compassion
Practical Steps for Developing Self-Love through Meditation
The Power of Attention as a Form of Love
Dan Harris's Experience with Physicalizing Self-Compassion
Benefits of Joining a Meditation Challenge
Overcoming Self-Comparison as a Block to Self-Love
Addressing the Inner Critic and Self-Judgment
Techniques for Working with the Inner Critic
Sustaining Self-Compassion in Daily Life
Meditation's Role in Building Confidence and Bravery
Distinguishing Self-Love from Selfishness and Indulgence
Balancing Self-Care (Caregiver) and Facing Discomfort (Warrior)
5 Key Concepts
Self-Love / Self-Compassion / Self-Acceptance
This concept is not about liking yourself or thinking you are awesome, but rather being with yourself as you are in each moment, allowing your inner experience with a sense of companionship. Self-acceptance forms the ground of love, representing a generous decision to hold all aspects of oneself, including the messy parts.
Comparing Mind
The 'comparing mind' is a subtle and sneaky internal narrative, often emerging from feelings of not being good enough or not measuring up. It can be incredibly painful and is constantly invited by the external world, hindering self-love. The key to managing it is to attend to the feeling of distress it causes, rather than getting caught in the story behind the comparison.
Inner Critic
The inner critic is an internal voice or subtle begrudged feeling that constantly criticizes oneself or one's situation, leading to a form of 'self-harm' that happens internally. Dealing with it involves noticing its stories, recognizing the harm they cause, and employing playful interventions to disarm its power and take the emotional charge out of its voice.
Attention as the Most Basic Form of Love
Quoting Zen teacher John Tarrant Roshi, this concept highlights that the act of directing one's attention, particularly in meditation, is a fundamental gesture of love. By choosing where attention is directed, one can self-liberate thoughts, introduce softening, and bless oneself and others.
Caregiver and Warrior (Inner Aspects)
These are two internal 'rules' or aspects of oneself that need to be balanced for effective self-care. The 'caregiver' knows when to withdraw from intensity to nurture oneself, while the 'warrior' is the part that opens to discomfort and challenge, building capacity. Taking care of oneself in hard times involves explicitly implementing strategies from both sides.
8 Questions Answered
Self-love is about being with yourself as you are in each moment, whether you like yourself or not, with a sense of companionship. Self-acceptance is essentially the same, focusing on allowing your inner experience, while self-esteem is an evaluation of liking certain things about yourself.
Meditation helps by countering the idea that we need to fix ourselves, instead assuming inherent wholeness. It repeatedly confronts you with your mind's nature, allowing you to practice accepting it and starting again, thereby changing your relationship with yourself.
The first step is to develop clarity in knowing when you're having a hard time, even subtly. Then, choose a different response by turning towards that hurt with concern, and making a decision to practice caring, which could involve repeating a kind phrase or engaging in self-care activities.
The first step is noticing the comparison happening, which often stems from a feeling of not being good enough. Then, give yourself a break by accepting yourself where you are, and attend to the feeling of distress without getting caught up in the story behind the comparison.
Meditation helps by first noticing the stories the inner critic tells and the harm they cause. Playful interventions, like giving the critic a name or imagining its voice as a caricature, can disarm it and take the charge out of its voice.
Acknowledge the pain without debating or beating yourself up. One technique is to write about the struggle from a third-person perspective, creating distance and softening the self-aggression.
Self-love is about caring for your own suffering, just as you would for others, and is necessary for being of service. Selfishness or overindulgence can be identified when one loses all sense of humor or becomes grim about their concerns, focusing solely on personal desires without broader perspective.
Challenges provide three key elements: instruction on how to practice, a way to reflect on what changes as you practice, and the sense of being part of a community, all of which make the practice more sustainable.
26 Actionable Insights
1. Treat Inner Self Unconditionally
Treat your inner self with the same unconditional support and kindness you would offer a loved one, rather than constantly trying to ‘fix’ yourself. This approach reduces exhaustion and cultivates self-love.
2. Pursue Goals with Self-Love
Approach your long-term goals and resolutions from a place of self-love or self-compassion, not self-loathing or shame, to significantly increase your likelihood of achieving them.
3. Self-Love: Be As You Are
Practice self-love by simply ‘being with yourself as you are’ in every moment, accepting your current state whether you like it or not, rather than striving to feel a certain way. This fosters a gentler, more empowering inner experience.
4. Respond Like a Struggling Friend
When you are struggling, respond to yourself with the same kindness, listening, and presence you would offer a struggling friend, instead of self-criticism or trying to force different feelings. This approach cultivates self-love and compassion.
5. Self-Acceptance Grounds Self-Love
Cultivate self-love by first establishing self-acceptance, which involves sanely acknowledging and embracing your complete, messy self as you are. This foundational acceptance allows for kindness and a more human path.
6. Notice When You’re Hurting
Develop the clarity to notice, even subtly, when you are having a hard time or are caught in a self-defeating story. This initial awareness is crucial for breaking cycles of judgment and moving towards a more caring response.
7. Break Judgment with Concern
When you notice you’re having a hard time, choose a different response than judgment; instead, offer yourself a ‘slight moment of concern’ or turn towards your discomfort. This breaks the cycle of negative self-talk and opens up a more caring inner space.
8. Attention is Basic Love
Understand that directing your attention is a fundamental act of love. By shining the light of awareness on your thoughts and inner conditions, you can observe them without judgment, which allows them to self-liberate and dissolve.
9. Disarm Inner Critic Playfully
To disarm the inner critic, first notice its presence and the harm it causes. Then, try playful interventions like giving it a silly name or imagining it with a funny voice to detach from it and reduce its emotional charge.
10. Physical Touch for Emotional Pain
When experiencing emotional pain that manifests physically, place your hand on the affected area of your body and offer yourself a kind, comforting phrase. This mammalian response of self-touch and gentle acknowledgment can help calm your system.
11. Balance Caregiver and Warrior
Effectively care for yourself by balancing your ‘caregiver’ self (which nurtures and withdraws from intensity) with your ‘warrior’ self (which opens to discomfort and challenge). Know when to indulge in self-care and when to practice staying with intensity to build capacity.
12. Self-Care Enables Service
Prioritize self-care not as selfishness, but as a necessary foundation for effectively serving others. By taking care of yourself, you ensure you are not ‘a mess,’ enabling you to offer genuine and abiding care.
13. Care for All Suffering
Adopt the principle that care is the healthiest response to suffering, regardless of whether it originates from yourself or others. Extend the same level of concern and kindness to your own struggles as you would to someone else’s.
14. Meditation Dispenses Self-Aggression
Approach meditation not as a means to fix what’s wrong with you, but as a practice to relax and realize your inherent wholeness and worthiness. This perspective dispenses with self-aggression and supports confidence in your true self.
15. Turn on Warmth in Awareness
If your ’nonjudgmental awareness’ feels cold or contains hidden aversion, actively apply warmth or kindness through practices like saying a kind phrase to yourself. This can significantly improve your inner experience.
16. Practice Specific Caring Responses
Actively practice caring responses when you’re struggling, which could involve repeating a kind phrase to yourself or engaging in self-care activities like walking in nature, stretching, or watching a favorite show. Experiment to discover what genuinely shifts your inner tone.
17. Accept Inability to Accept
If you find yourself unable to accept a particular feeling or situation, practice accepting your inability to accept it. This ‘backing up’ to a broader perspective prevents further struggle and creates space.
18. Manage Comparing Mind
To manage the painful comparing mind, first notice when it arises. Then, instead of fighting the comparison or creating a new story, tune into the physical sensation or feeling of distress it causes, and let go of the narrative to allow it to dissipate.
19. Write Struggles in Third Person
When struggling with self-criticism or regret, try writing about your experience in the third person (e.g., ‘she did this,’ ‘he felt that’). This creates a helpful distance, allowing for a softer, more compassionate perspective than a first-person account.
20. Meditation Creates Creative Space
Engage in meditation to create mental space and reset your looping mind. This practice allows for the emergence of more intelligent, creative, and appropriate responses to life’s problems and challenges, rather than needing to know specific solutions beforehand.
21. Reapply Self-Compassion Consistently
Continuously reapply self-compassion and gentle counteractions to your habitual negative storylines, understanding that changing decades of conditioning requires persistent effort. This ‘self-compassion on top of self-compassion’ approach is crucial for long-term change.
22. Meditation Builds Inner Fierceness
Recognize that consistent meditation not only builds self-compassion but also cultivates an unexpected ‘inner fierceness’ or confidence. This newfound strength can empower you to take chances, change patterns, and confront difficult aspects of yourself or your life.
23. Know Your Coping Strategies
Develop a personal ‘medicine shelf’ of coping strategies you know will help you disengage from intense discomfort and take care of yourself, such as watching Netflix, taking a nature walk, or stretching. Be explicit about these strategies so you can apply them when needed.
24. Humor Reveals Selfishness
Discern between self-love and selfishness by observing your sense of humor: if you’ve lost all humor and are grimly bearing down on yourself regarding a concern, you’ve likely tipped into selfishness. Self-love, conversely, allows for lightness and a sense of humor about your concerns.
25. Life’s Dynamic Balancing Act
Recognize that life involves a dynamic, active balancing act between self-care and caring for others, and that imbalance is natural. Use the principle of care to notice when you’re unbalanced, then consciously adjust to bolster resources for yourself or others as needed.
26. Consistency in Meditation Practice
To make meditation practice sustainable, ensure you have clear instruction on how to practice, a method for reflecting on your experiences, and the sense of being part of a community (even if unseen). These elements provide a strong foundation for consistency.
7 Key Quotes
You are much more likely to achieve your long-term goals if you pursue those goals not out of self-loathing or shame... but instead with self-love or self-compassion.
Dan Harris
Self-love means something more like being with yourself as you are in each moment. When you like yourself, when you don't like yourself, when you're confused about self-love, and when you're clear about it.
Susan Piver
Self-compassion doesn't really care about who you are. You can be any way. However you are is still worthy of care.
Jeff Warren
Attention is the most basic form of love. Through it we bless and are blessed.
Susan Piver
Feel the feeling and drop the story.
Susan Piver
It's sort of like we have a mass self-harm epidemic happening out there, except it's all happening on the inside.
Jeff Warren
When I have lost all sense of humor, I'm in the wrong place. I'm doing something selfish.
Susan Piver
4 Protocols
New Year's Meditation Challenge Participation
Dan Harris- Download the 10% Happier app from the Apple App Store or Google Play store.
- Register an account if new, or sign in if you already have one.
- Join the Challenge by tapping the prompt or banner within the app.
- Your goal is to meditate at least 15 out of 21 days (daily-ish).
- Each day, you'll receive a short video from Dan Harris (often with a teacher).
- Follow the video with a guided meditation, approximately 10 minutes long.
- If you miss days, pick it back up as there's enough overlap to continue progress.
- You can choose any meditation in the app and still get credit in the challenge.
- Optionally, invite family and friends to do the challenge side-by-side for accountability.
Working with the Inner Critic (Susan Piver's Writing Technique)
Susan Piver- Acknowledge the excruciating pain of not liking yourself.
- Isolate the specific thing you don't like about yourself (e.g., weight gain, procrastination, regret).
- If comfortable with writing, take this instance and write about it from a third-person perspective (e.g., 'she said this,' 'he did that,' 'they went over here').
- Frame the story from a distance to get out of the fight with yourself and create a purview that includes softness.
Working with the Inner Critic (Jeff Warren's Playful Intervention)
Jeff Warren- Notice when the inner critic's stories are happening inside you and recognize the harm or 'violence' in them.
- Consider a more playful intervention, as the inner critic often has a one-dimensional, caricature quality.
- Lightly and playfully make fun of your inner critic, for example, by giving it a name (like 'cartoon Hulk') or imagining its voice as a caricature (like the Swedish Chef or an adult from Charlie Brown).
- This playful approach changes your relationship to the critic, disarming it and taking the charge out of its voice.
Balancing Self-Care (Caregiver) and Facing Discomfort (Warrior)
Jeff Warren- Activate your 'caregiver' side: know when to withdraw from intensity and nurture yourself (e.g., watching Netflix, taking a nature walk, stretching, or other known self-care strategies).
- Activate your 'warrior' side: practice staying with intensity and opening to your discomfort and challenges to build capacity.
- Be explicit about balancing both sides, sometimes deliberately turning towards intensity and sometimes deliberately turning away, recognizing that this is an art, not a science, and you will sometimes get it wrong.