The Upside of Desire | Cara Lai
Host Dan Harris and guest Cara Lai, a meditation teacher, psychotherapist, and artist, explore how to transform desires and difficult emotions into a path for meditation practice and liberation. Lai shares her unique approach to integrating all human experiences, including sexuality and anger, into mindfulness.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Initial Nervousness and Grounding Meditation
Revisiting Cara Lai's First Dharma Talk Experience
Cara's Background of Pushing Extremes and Vulnerability
Cara's Mother's Story and Family's Poverty
Cara's Personal Journey into Meditation Practice
Preparing for a Year-Long Solo Meditation Retreat
Addressing Loneliness and Fears of Extended Solitude
The Performative Aspect of Group Meditation Retreats
Embracing Full Human Experience for Liberation
Re-evaluating Desire and Wanting in Buddhist Practice
Defining Freedom and Purpose in a Meditative Context
Exploring Sexuality as Part of Meditation Practice
Working with Desire and Quirky Habits During Isolation
Cultivating Self-Compassion by Meeting Difficulty
Challenging Body Image Norms and Taking Up Space
Practicing with Anger and Aversion
Cara's Disclaimer on Her Personal Practice and Teachings
6 Key Concepts
Freedom (in meditation)
Freedom is not about escaping human life or difficulty, but rather fully allowing oneself to be exactly as they are. It involves embracing every emotion, difficulty, and personality trait, releasing the belief that one cannot handle human experience, and feeling unlimited in one's capabilities and identity.
Purpose (in meditation)
Purpose is unique to each individual and means being fully engaged in one's true calling. Being unlimited in this context doesn't mean doing whatever one wants, but rather being completely aligned with and expressing one's inherent purpose.
Dhamma Chanda (Wholesome Desire)
This Buddhist concept refers to wholesome desire, such as the desire for liberation, freedom, kindness, and love. All desires, even those not immediately obvious, are ultimately connected to this fundamental desire for happiness and freedom.
Compassion
Compassion is not an emotion to be 'layered on' or applied, but a natural and intrinsic aspect of the heart. It arises organically as a result of meeting difficulty with open-heartedness and without judgment, allowing one to truly care about their own suffering.
Wanting as a Path to Freedom
Instead of suppressing desire or labeling it as 'greed,' one can listen deeply to wanting and create space for it. By giving oneself permission to feel wanting, it can reveal deeper, wholesome desires for happiness and ease, ultimately leading towards liberation.
Anger as a Guide
When anger is given space and not immediately judged, it can serve as a powerful messenger. It can reveal important insights about what one deserves, how one should be treated, and issues of fairness and justice, helping to identify problems that need addressing.
8 Questions Answered
Cara's tendency to dive headlong into extremes, such as long-distance running or biking across the country, was a way to defend herself against the world and 'beef herself up' to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Cara is driven by an extreme amount of curiosity about what will happen during the year and the profound, transformative experiences, deep ease, happiness, and joy she has found on previous long retreats.
Cara's husband is sad but supportive, understanding her purpose even though he doesn't meditate. He is, however, afraid of how she might change during the retreat, a concern Cara tries to reassure him about.
By listening deeply to wanting, making a lot of space for it, and giving oneself permission to feel it, wanting can take one to freedom by revealing a deeper desire for happiness and liberation.
Freedom means fully allowing oneself to be exactly as they are, embracing every emotion, difficulty, and part of their personality, thereby releasing the belief that one cannot handle human experience.
One can pause before, during, or after engaging with the desired object to feel what is going on, challenging the limiting belief that they cannot handle uncomfortable feelings, which can lead to self-compassion.
When shame is lifted, there is more space to hear what one truly wants, leading to greater agency and choice rather than being controlled by the desire or feeling obligated to consume endlessly.
One can allow anger to course through the body, imagine expressing it fully (e.g., smashing pillows), and give it space without judgment, as anger can reveal important messages about what one deserves and about justice.
23 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace All Human Experience
Understand that practice is not about pretending to be calm, but about fully feeling and using every aspect of your human experience, including difficult emotions and powerful urges, as a path towards freedom.
2. Meet Difficulty Open-Heartedly
Cultivate compassion by meeting your difficulties with open-heartedness and without judgment, allowing compassion to naturally arise as an intrinsic aspect of your heart.
3. Choose to Engage Life
Lift the shame around wanting and difficult experiences by recognizing that you are making a conscious choice to be present in human life, which makes difficulties more acceptable and life more engaging.
4. Accept All Feelings for Compassion
Cultivate self-compassion and self-love by simply making room for and being okay with whatever you are feeling at any given time.
5. Stay With Uncomfortable Feelings
Allow yourself to be with uncomfortable feelings, as this practice can lead to self-compassion, self-love, and the release of limiting beliefs about your ability to handle emotions.
6. Listen Deeply to Desires
Give yourself permission to deeply feel and make space for your desires, as listening to them can guide you towards a sense of freedom and reveal their wholesome root.
7. Pause Before Acting on Desire
Before acting on a desire (e.g., eating a cupcake), pause to feel what’s truly going on, identify any uncomfortable feelings you might be avoiding, and challenge the belief that you can’t handle those feelings.
8. Allow Wanting for Greater Agency
By allowing yourself to fully experience wanting without shame, you create more internal space, which enables you to truly listen to what you deeply desire and make conscious choices.
9. Direct Wanting Energy Mindfully
Instead of shaming desires, use the vibrant energy and excitement of wanting to mindfully direct yourself towards what you truly and deeply desire, beyond surface-level cravings.
10. Clarify True Wants
Through desire meditation, you can clarify that surface-level wants often mask deeper needs (e.g., not wanting to feel lonely), revealing that acting on the surface want might lead to more suffering.
11. Grounded Desire Exploration
For strong desires, place attention on a grounding anchor (feet, breath) while letting the desire and imagination run wild, creating space for the energy to move and reveal deeper wants, without getting lost in fantasy.
12. Grounded Anger Exploration
Apply the grounded exploration technique to anger, allowing it to course through your body and imagining its full expression, to create space for it and understand its messages about fairness and what you deserve.
13. Outwardly Express Anger Privately
If you have sufficient meditation practice to remain present, allow anger to be expressed outwardly and physically in private, such as smashing pillows or screaming, to let the energy course through your body and prevent it from getting stuck.
14. Allow Your Body to Take Space
Challenge cultural norms by consciously relaxing your belly and allowing your body to take up its natural space, affirming your inherent right to exist as you are.
15. Connect Body for Intuitive Wanting
By allowing your body to be as it is and taking up space, you can open yourself to deeper, intuitive forms of wanting, as all experience and wanting are felt within the body.
16. Practice Openness About Feelings
Don’t pretend not to feel nervous or to have everything together; instead, be open and honest about your true feelings as an embodiment of humility and part of your practice.
17. Reframe Nervousness as Performance Aid
View nervousness as your body preparing to act, which can actually enhance performance rather than hinder it.
18. Practice Inner-Guided Meditation
Allow your meditation practice to be guided from within, extending beyond traditional sitting and walking meditations, to explore what feels right for you personally.
19. Explore Sexuality as Practice
Engage with your sexuality as a practice, recognizing its immense power and potential as an unexplored field of experience that can be integrated into your path towards freedom.
20. Begin Short Daily Meditation
Start meditating for a short duration, like 7-8 minutes a day, as even this brief practice can lead to profound experiences within a few weeks.
21. Build Mind Steadiness First
Before deeply exploring desires without shame, cultivate a certain level of mental steadiness and ability to be present, as this practice is not recommended for beginners without that foundation.
22. Practice Non-Judgmental Desire Awareness
When engaging with desire, focus on being present with the wanting without judgment or the pressure to control subsequent actions, which helps to dismantle shame and fosters deeper understanding.
23. Approach Practice Provisionally
Approach your personal practice with humility, acknowledging that you are figuring things out for yourself rather than claiming expertise, and recognizing that your methods may not be universally applicable.
6 Key Quotes
I want my Dharma talks to be just as much a part of the practice as anything else. And so that doesn't mean pretending to not be nervous or pretending to be feeling something that I'm not feeling.
Cara Lai
I think what's stronger than the fear is just this extreme amount of curiosity, like what's going to happen during the year?
Cara Lai
I'm not saying that I'm going to be touching my hoo-ha the whole time. But I'm also not saying that I'm not.
Cara Lai
Buddhism, it must be kept in mind that Buddhism has been passed down by a lot of men for many generations. And the view of sexuality really is, I think, a male-oriented view of it feels like we have to escape it or transcend it somehow, rather than what might be considered a more feminine approach to it, where we really feel and we land in our human experience.
Cara Lai
Compassion is really just the result of meeting difficulty with open heartedness. When we actually just meet our difficulty and don't judge it, then compassion is there. It's a natural and intrinsic aspect of the heart.
Cara Lai
I'm just trying to figure out how to be happy. I'm just trying to figure out how to live life in a way that feels good to me.
Cara Lai
1 Protocols
Working with Strong Desire (Beginner-Friendly)
Cara Lai- Notice a strong pull or desire within yourself.
- Put your attention on a grounding point in your body, such as your feet, butt, or breath.
- Let the wanting energy course through you, allowing your imagination to run wild with it (e.g., imagining consuming all the desired food).
- Stay present with your chosen anchor to keep your mind tethered to the present moment and avoid spinning out into pure fantasy.
- Do not put pressure on yourself to control your behavior afterwards; give yourself permission to act on the desire if you truly want to, as the goal is to be with the wanting, not to suppress it through shame or control.