The Upsides And Downsides Of Living A More Examined Life | Matt Harris
Dan Harris's brother, Matt Harris, a partner at Bain Capital Ventures and father of six, shares his journey into deep meditation after turning 50. He discusses overcoming skepticism, integrating mindfulness into a busy life, and exploring the spiritual aspects of awareness.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Introduction to Matt Harris and his meditation journey
Matt's initial skepticism and resistance to spirituality
The 'waterfall metaphor' and thoughts not being 'me'
Matt's shift to spiritual and non-dual aspects of awareness
Joseph Goldstein's practical meditation techniques
Matt's approach to finding time for meditation
The practice of 'off-the-cushion' mindfulness
Right effort in meditation and avoiding frustration
Integrating personal history and psychological insights
Understanding relative and ultimate reality
Impact of meditation on work, relationships, and values
Confronting and relating to fear and anxiety
The question: 'What does consciousness want of me?'
7 Key Concepts
Waterfall Metaphor
This metaphor describes thoughts as the water in a waterfall, and the meditator's awareness as being behind the waterfall. This image vividly shows the distinction between oneself and one's thoughts, allowing space to witness the deluge without being swept away.
Impersonal Awareness
The idea that the 'witness' or consciousness behind one's thoughts doesn't feel like a personal 'me.' This suggests that awareness is not inherently personal and could potentially be universal or non-local, a concept that deeply intrigues Matt Harris.
Not Finding is the Finding
A concept from Tibetan Buddhism, explained as the experience of looking for a core self or 'nugget' of personal identity behind one's eyes and not finding it. The very act of not finding this fixed self is considered the discovery or insight.
Passive Tense in Meditation
A technique, taught by Joseph Goldstein, where one reframes mental experiences in the passive voice (e.g., 'thinking is happening,' 'hearing is happening'). This grammatical shift helps remove the 'I' from the experience, reinforcing the impersonal nature of phenomena and aiding in separation from thoughts.
Right Effort
A Buddhist term from the noble eightfold path, referring to the delicate balance required in meditation. It's likened to tuning a stringed instrument: not too tight (straining or forcing) and not too loose (lacking focus), implying that meditation requires some ardor but perhaps less than one initially thinks.
Relative Reality
This refers to our consensual, everyday reality where we operate as distinct individuals with personal histories, relationships, and responsibilities. It's the level where a chair is simply a chair that you can sit in, and our daily actions hold practical significance.
Ultimate Reality
This refers to the deeper, non-essential, and impermanent nature of phenomena, where things like a chair are understood as mostly empty space and spinning subatomic particles, and the ego is impersonal. Both relative and ultimate realities are considered simultaneously true.
10 Questions Answered
Generally, it's best not to try; evangelism can be off-putting and create lasting resistance, as people who get into meditation can become 'insufferably evangelistic.'
Around his 50th birthday in December 2022, he began having very different thoughts about the kind of life he wanted to live, leading to intrinsic curiosity, reading, and finally committing to daily practice, which then developed its own gravity.
His resistance was deeply entrenched against the 'woo-woo' spiritual and metaphysical aspects of Buddhism and mindfulness, rather than the acknowledged mental health benefits, which he intellectually understood.
Joseph Goldstein's method involves noticing the effortless nature of awareness (e.g., moving an arm), then using the passive tense (e.g., 'thoughts are being known'), and finally asking 'known by what?' to highlight the unfindable nature of the knower.
He recommends being playful and amused by the ego's incredible efforts to intervene during meditation, avoiding cycles of self-flagellation and discouragement, and recognizing the passive voice nature of thoughts and sensations.
He started with short 5-minute sits to build confidence, gradually increasing duration, often meditating in the evenings after his children are in bed (7:30-9 PM), and utilizing opportunities like airplane travel.
It involves prioritizing 'not thinking' during daily activities like washing dishes, by simply being aware of what's happening and letting thoughts rest, moving from thinking as a priority to doing as little of it as possible.
By gaining insights into how one's ego has been conditioned (e.g., early experiences with shame causing a desire to avoid disappointing others), one can understand these patterns and act with more agency, leading to more candid and forthright conduct.
It has shifted his focus towards relationships, candor, transparency, and directness in his work as a venture capitalist, aligning his actions with values like loving kindness and compassion rather than solely on personal brand building.
A downside is that previously unseen and uncomfortable aspects of one's mental makeup, like fear and anxiety, may become more salient; however, the upside is that the practice provides tools to handle these challenges in a more sophisticated way, rather than being blindly driven by them.
16 Actionable Insights
1. Separate Self from Thoughts
Use the ‘waterfall metaphor’ to vividly distinguish yourself from your thoughts, creating space to witness them rather than being lost in the deluge.
2. Cultivate Intrinsic Curiosity for Meditation
Approach meditation with genuine intrinsic curiosity, as intellectual knowledge alone may not be enough to commit to a daily practice.
3. Begin Meditation with 5 Minutes
Give yourself permission to start meditating for just five minutes daily, as this short duration is an enormous building block for developing a consistent practice.
4. Flexibly Fit Meditation into Life
Be flexible and experimental in finding time and locations for meditation, fitting it into your life’s conditions rather than adhering to rigid expectations.
5. Prioritize Non-Thinking Off-Cushion
Prioritize spending as much time as possible not thinking during your day, instead just being aware of what’s happening and gently putting thoughts to rest.
6. Engage Mundane Tasks Mindfully
Perform mundane tasks like brushing teeth or washing dishes without distractions, quieting your mind to avoid unconscious rumination and cultivate presence.
7. Apply Passive Voice in Meditation
During meditation, use the passive voice (e.g., ’thoughts are being known’) to remove the ‘I’ from the experience, helping to separate from thoughts and recognize impersonal awareness.
8. Diffuse Awareness Beyond the Head
Practice experiencing awareness as diffuse throughout your entire body, particularly from your core, rather than solely confined to your head, to better separate awareness from thinking.
9. Approach Ego Playfully in Meditation
Cultivate a playful attitude towards your ego’s attempts to intervene during meditation, finding amusement in its efforts to avoid cycles of frustration and self-flagellation.
10. Accept and Accommodate Fear
When experiencing fear or anxiety, acknowledge and accommodate it by telling yourself ‘it’s okay to feel this,’ as this acceptance can help to defang and dissipate the uncomfortable sensation.
11. Examine Personal History & Shadow Work
Dedicate time to understanding your personal history and ‘shadow work’ to gain insights into your psychological makeup and conditioned egoic patterns.
12. Embrace Candor and Directness
Practice candor and directness in your relationships and professional life, as withholding thoughts can subtly withdraw you from others, whereas directness fosters connection.
13. Integrate Relative and Ultimate Reality
Understand that both relative (personal identity) and ultimate (impersonal, interconnected) realities are simultaneously true, allowing you to navigate the world with personal patterns while not taking them too seriously.
14. Ask ‘What Does Consciousness Want?’
Use the question ‘What does consciousness want of me?’ as a guiding principle for decision-making, accessing the wisdom of your awake and aware self for more authentic choices.
15. Explore Universal Awareness Connection
Engage with the spiritual and metaphysical aspects of mindfulness, considering the possibility that your awareness is connected to a universal consciousness, to deepen your practice.
16. Avoid Evangelizing Meditation
Do not try to press meditation on people close to you, as it can make you ‘insufferably evangelistic’ and create lasting resistance in others.
6 Key Quotes
I've been gluten free for a week and I'm already annoying.
Dan Harris
Eh, you know, I'm more like a pamphlet.
Matt Harris
The not finding is the finding.
Dan Harris
The ego is a slippery motherfucker.
Dan Harris
The resistance is the problem.
Matt Harris
Life is the dance, Dan. I mean, come on, you're the dancer.
Matt Harris
3 Protocols
Joseph Goldstein's Method for Connecting with Awareness
Dan Harris (attributing to Joseph Goldstein)- Notice the effortless nature of being aware of sensations (e.g., moving an arm) to understand that knowing requires no effort.
- Reframe mental experiences into the passive tense (e.g., 'thoughts are being known,' 'hearing is being known') to remove the 'I' from the experience.
- Ask 'known by what?' to explore the nature of the knower, recognizing that the 'not finding is the finding' of that which is aware.
- Optionally, ask 'who's asking this question?' to explore the nature of the ghostly inner narrator.
Matt Harris's Approach to Starting and Sustaining Meditation
Matt Harris- Give yourself permission to start with very short sessions, like 5 minutes, as an enormous building block.
- Build confidence in shorter sits and gradually increase duration (e.g., stretching to 10 minutes, aiming for 20 minutes for much more benefit, and going as long as 45 minutes).
- Be playful and amused by the ego's incredible efforts to intervene during meditation to avoid frustration and discouragement.
- Practice recognizing the passive voice nature of the thoughts and sensations (e.g., 'thinking is happening').
- Shift the experienced geography of awareness from being primarily in the head to being more diffuse throughout the body, particularly the core.
- Be flexible with timing, fitting meditation into available slots like evenings (7:30-9 PM) or during travel (e.g., airplanes).
Handling Fear and Anxiety in Meditation
Matt Harris (attributing to Joseph Goldstein and Dan Harris)- Acknowledge the presence of fear or anxiety when it arises, rather than disassociating from it.
- Mentally check: 'Can I live with this?' or 'It's okay to feel this,' to empower yourself to handle the uncomfortable sensation.
- Recognize that resistance to the uncomfortable feeling is often the problem, causing it to feel more real and intense.
- Hold the feeling with acceptance, understanding that it doesn't have to go away for you to be okay, which can lead to its dissipation.