Tricky Questions About Grief: Is There A Right Way To Do It? What To Say To People In Grief? And Can You Grieve For Things? | Sloane Crosley
Dan Harris speaks with author Sloane Crosley and Dr. Bianca Harris about navigating cumulative grief, including the loss of a best friend by suicide and a home burglary. They discuss the nuances of grieving for non-people, challenging the five stages of grief, and the healing power of bibliotherapy.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Introduction to Grief and Sloane Crosley's Memoir
Sloane's Personal Story: Burglary and Friend's Suicide
Challenging the Definition of Grief: For People vs. Things
The Impact of Rigidity and Resistance to Change
Cumulative Grief, PTSD, and Magical Thinking
Navigating Conversations with Grieving Individuals
Societal Taboos and Normalizing Discussions Around Suicide
The Five Stages of Grief: Original Intent and Personal Experience
Re-evaluating 'Acceptance' in the Grieving Process
Bibliotherapy and Helpful Resources for Grief
Reflections on Writing the Memoir and its Impact
Update on the Stolen Jewelry and Catharsis of Writing
4 Key Concepts
Cumulative/Compounded Grief
This occurs when several losses or difficult events happen at once or in close succession. It can lead to a feeling similar to PTSD, where the inciting incident of loss feels like it's still happening, creating a continuous state of distress.
Magical Thinking in Grief
A phenomenon where a grieving person might believe that if they can achieve a specific outcome, such as recovering lost possessions, it could somehow prevent further loss or even reverse a past loss, despite knowing it's irrational.
The Five Stages of Grief
Originally developed by Kubler-Ross, these stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) were primarily intended to describe the psychological process of a *dying person* coming to terms with their own impending death, rather than the experience of those grieving a loss.
Bibliotherapy
The use of literature, particularly novels and poetry, as a therapeutic tool to help individuals process and understand their grief. It allows people to find solace and connection by realizing their sorrows are not unique.
7 Questions Answered
The episode explores how grief extends beyond the death of people to include lost possessions and experiences, challenging the idea that 'grief is for people, not things,' as all losses are processed through the same internal system.
There is no single 'right' way to grieve; the experience is individual, and societal pressures to categorize or compete over grief are unhelpful. It's about feeling everything and not pushing it away.
A helpful response is to express gratitude for their sharing ('I'm so glad you told me that') and invite them to share more ('What was that like for you? What do you need from me?'), rather than distancing phrases like 'I can't imagine.'
The five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) were originally conceived for the *dying person* to process their own impending death, not for those left behind, which often causes confusion and struggle for mourners.
The concept of 'getting over it' or achieving final 'acceptance' in grief is often unhelpful; instead, it's about accepting that the sadness may always be a part of you, like a 'new organ that just secretes sadness,' and learning to live with it, or accepting the lack of acceptance.
Reading novels and poetry (bibliotherapy) can provide healing and a broader understanding of the human experience of loss, helping individuals feel less alone in their unique pains and sorrows by connecting them to universal themes.
For some, writing about grief may not provide catharsis or soothe the pain, but it can serve as an 'engine' to process emotions like anger or to ensure a forgotten person is remembered, even if it doesn't make the writer 'feel better' in a simple way.
18 Actionable Insights
1. Fully Embrace Grief’s Emotions
During grief, allow yourself to feel everything without pushing emotions away, keeping your eyes open to the full spectrum of feelings.
2. Prepare for Inevitable Change
Cultivate preparedness for change, as this approach can significantly reduce the suffering experienced when changes inevitably occur.
3. Acknowledge Grief and Loss
Avoid living in denial about grief and loss, as this sets you up for extra suffering when inevitable losses occur.
4. Appreciate Life’s Impermanence
Stay in touch with the ground truth of change and loss to wake up and stop taking things for granted.
5. Accept Lack of Acceptance
In the context of grief, allow yourself to accept that you may not ‘get over it’ or fully accept the loss, understanding that this is a valid part of the grieving process.
6. Practice “Let It Be” with Sadness
Instead of trying to ’let go’ of sadness, practice ’let it be,’ acknowledging that thoughts and sadness may continue throughout life without struggling against them.
7. Live Life to Crowd Out Sadness
While grief may create a ’new organ that secretes sadness,’ continue living your life, as this process will naturally crowd out the sadness and help you move forward.
8. Ask Grievers About Their Needs
When encountering someone grieving, ask ‘What was that like for you?’ and ‘What do you need from me?’ to offer genuine support and understand their specific needs.
9. Validate Shared Grief
When someone shares their grief, respond with ‘I’m so glad you told me that’ to validate their experience and make them feel heard and less isolated.
10. Normalize Despair and Mortality Talk
Talk openly about despair and mortality, as it’s part of the human condition and helps destigmatize these thoughts, making it easier for those in danger to seek help.
11. Engage in Bibliotherapy for Healing
Seek healing and understanding through novels and poetry, such as works by Jane Kenyon or ‘All My Puny Sorrows’ by Miriam Taubes, to find solace and perspective on the human experience of grief.
12. Be Selective with Self-Help
When using self-help books, especially for grief, recognize that not all advice is one-size-fits-all; ‘fish through’ and find only what genuinely resonates and means something to you.
13. Allow Non-Judgmental Grieving
Understand that there is no ‘wrong way’ to grieve, whether it’s for two months or two years, and allow yourself to process loss without self-judgment.
14. Embrace Universal Loss
Be humbled by the universal nature of loss and suffering, recognizing it as an inherent part of the human experience rather than an isolated event.
15. Utilize Meditation App for Connection
Download the ‘10% with Dan Harris’ app to access guided meditations for stress, anxiety, sleep, focus, and self-compassion, and to engage with teachers and the community in live Zoom sessions.
16. Receive Wisdom via Email and App
Sign up at danharris.com for brief, frequent emails offering wisdom, live video guided meditations with Q&A, and text chat with Dan Harris and podcast guests.
17. Try Meditation App Free
Sign up for a 14-day free trial of the ‘10% with Dan Harris’ app at danharris.com to explore its features.
18. Introverts Can Lurk in App
If you are an introvert, you can still engage with the app’s community sessions by lurking without active participation.
7 Key Quotes
luck is a dirty word when you're out of it.
Sloane Crosley
the more prepared you are for change, the less it hurts you when it happens.
Sloane Crosley
I'm so glad you told me that.
Sloane Crosley
The question everyone should therefore ask is not why otherwise healthy people kill themselves, but why they themselves should go on living.
Sloane Crosley
I have a new organ that just secretes sadness.
Dan Harris
The written word should never be mistaken for the final word.
Sloane Crosley
you cannot hope to be soothed for your grief from writing or to be caressed by your profession.
Sloane Crosley