When You Don't Know What You Actually Want: How To Say No, When To Say Yes, and The One Question That Cuts Through It | Yara Shahidi
Yara Shahidi, actor and host of The Optimist Project, discusses cultivating optimism as a daily practice. She shares how a 'year of no' led to her 'hard yes list' of joy-inducing activities, and the value of intentionally pursuing things you're bad at to foster curiosity and growth.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Yara Shahidi and How to Be a Better Human
Yara's Early Passions and Education Journey
Navigating Conflicting Passions: The 'And' vs. 'Either/Or' Dilemma
Optimism as a Daily Practice vs. Personality Trait
Battling Pessimism and the Excitement of Not Knowing
Finding Hope in History and the Hard Yes List
Optimism as a Serious, Cultivated Practice
Historical Perspective on Societal Setbacks and Progress
Navigating Shifting Public Opinion and Personal Values
The Concept of 'Highest Order' for Guiding Actions
Being on Intimate Terms with Catastrophe
Public Commentary, Informed Opinions, and Social Media Pressure
Embracing Multiple Identities and Passions
The Value of Side Projects and Full Life Experiences
Post-Graduation Identity Definition and Purpose
The Joy of Pursuing Hobbies You're Bad At
5 Key Concepts
Optimism as Practice
This concept views optimism not as a fixed personality trait or naive bliss, but as a daily cultivation and a continuous fight for joy amidst life's challenges. It requires consistent effort and the use of various tools to function effectively in the world.
Hard Yes List
A personal inventory of specific things, ranging from colors and foods to people and conversations, that reliably bring genuine joy and provide a material reset. This list is built through basic observation of one's day-to-day experiences.
Year of No / Year of Yes
A two-phase approach to discernment where one first precisely says 'no' to non-essential commitments to free up time and energy. This is followed by a 'year of yes' that involves being equally discerning, only committing to things that truly align with one's life journey, not just career.
Highest Order
A framework for identifying one's core priorities or purpose, typically the three main things that drive or should drive one's actions. This concept can be applied to guide decisions on both a macro life scale and for specific projects.
Intimate Terms with Catastrophe
A phrase suggesting that a fundamental part of life involves a deep and granular awareness of the world's difficulties, injustices, and potential for disaster. It implies an acceptance of these challenges as an inherent part of the human experience.
6 Questions Answered
Optimism is a daily cultivation and a fight for joy amidst life's challenges, requiring effort and tools to function effectively in the world, rather than a natural state of blissful ignorance.
Realize how little you know, as this opens the door to learning and new possibilities, and draw hope from history by remembering past societal struggles that were overcome with effort.
The 'Hard Yes List' is an arsenal of things that bring you joy, ranging from colors and foods to people and conversations, created through basic observation of your day-to-day experiences to provide material resets.
Give yourself space to pursue all your interests, as side projects and diverse experiences can enrich your main pursuits and help define who you are beyond singular labels like 'student' or 'actor.'
Intentionally pursuing activities you are an amateur at opens doors that might have been preemptively closed due to fear of embarrassment or not being good enough, leading to immense joy and new hobbies.
Identify your 'highest order,' which are the three main things that drive your actions or that you want your actions to be driven from, applicable to both macro life goals and specific projects.
10 Actionable Insights
1. Practice Optimism Daily
View optimism not as a fixed trait but as a daily practice and a continuous fight for joy amidst challenges. This mindset acknowledges difficulties while actively working towards a better state.
2. Build a Hard Yes List
Create an ‘arsenal’ of specific things that reliably bring you joy, such as a color, food, person, or activity. This list serves as a material reset to turn to during difficult moments.
3. Define Your Highest Order
Identify your ‘highest order’ by determining the three core priorities or purposes that drive your actions. This framework helps guide decisions on both macro life goals and smaller projects.
4. Intentionally Pursue Being Bad
Deliberately engage in activities you are not good at, such as learning a new instrument or hobby. This opens doors previously closed by fear of embarrassment, fosters curiosity, and provides immense joy without pressure.
5. Battle Pessimism Through Learning
Combat feelings of pessimism and a closed door of possibility by actively seeking new knowledge and realizing how little you know. This perspective reveals endless possibilities and inspiring paths forward.
6. Find Hope in History
Draw hope and perspective from historical moments where society faced extreme difficulties and required immense effort to push through. This reminds you that current struggles are part of a larger, ongoing process.
7. Grant Space for Clarity
Allow yourself the space and time to sit with new obstacles and stakes without expecting immediate answers or clarity. It’s unfair to demand instant solutions and you deserve time to think things through.
8. Be Granular in Public Commentary
For your voice to have impact, be selective and granular about what you speak on publicly. It is acceptable to admit when you lack sufficient information or to defer to well-informed experts.
9. Embrace Side Projects
Allow yourself to pursue diverse interests and ‘side projects’ beyond your main career or focus. These seemingly random pursuits can enrich your primary work, provide valuable life experience, and contribute to your overall development.
10. Use Year of No, Then Hard Yes
Start by having a ‘year of no’ to precisely define where you want to spend your time by rejecting non-essential commitments. Follow this by being equally discerning with a ‘year of yes,’ focusing only on things that genuinely align with your life journey.
6 Key Quotes
optimism is the consideration that you may not get much done, but at least you're doing more than nothing.
Yara Shahidi
there's nothing as exciting as realizing how little I know. It means that the door of possibility is just only slightly cracked open.
Yara Shahidi
if joy is the feeling, optimism is the practice and it is the fighting for that joy, even amidst all of the challenges.
Yara Shahidi
some of being a part of life is being on intimate terms with catastrophe.
Professor Cornell West (quoted by Yara Shahidi)
Those things that we think of as side projects really do help us develop even what our main career is.
Yara Shahidi
I'm not particularly good at, but I pull immense joy from.
Yara Shahidi
1 Protocols
Hard Yes List Protocol
Yara Shahidi- Practice basic observation of your day-to-day life.
- Identify and track specific things (e.g., a color, a food, a person, a conversation, live music) that reliably bring you joy and make you feel 'filled up.'
- Compile these observations into a 'hard yes list' to build an arsenal of positive experiences.
- Refer to this list during difficult moments to provide an immediate, material reset.