White People, Drop the Shame and Get Curious | Shelly Graf
This episode features Shelly Graf, a social worker and Dharma teacher, who discusses how white people can use mindfulness to examine their racial biases and conditioning without shame, fostering deeper self-awareness and engagement with racial justice.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Introduction to Examining White People's Thoughts on Race
Shelly Graf's Background and Intersection of Dharma and Whiteness
Importance of Authentic Relationships with People of Color
Critique of Solo Meditation Practice and the Role of Sangha
Ethical Conduct and the Concept of Belonging to One Another
Individual vs. Collective Responsibility in Awakening
Whiteness as an Invisible System and its Characteristics
Working Skillfully with White Guilt and Shame
Exploring Defensiveness as an Aspect of Whiteness
Shelly's Method for Working with Defensiveness in the Body
Perfectionism as an Aspect of Whiteness and Ambition
Distinguishing Motivation for Achievement: Altruism vs. Ego
Clinging to Power and the Need for Control
A Sophisticated Approach to Intellectualizing and Listening
The 'What Are You Doing to Fix This Problem?' Koan
Staying Engaged and Embracing Discomfort in Anti-Racism Work
How White Supremacy Harms White People
5 Key Concepts
Whiteness (as a system)
Whiteness refers not to white people, but to the systems, patterns, and values that influence everyone in the United States, like air that is breathed in without conscious awareness. It promotes ideas like individualism, objectivity, and disconnection, making dominance and certain ways of living seem natural and invisible.
Stars vs. Constellations
This metaphor, attributed to Ruth King, suggests that white people often tend to focus on individual suffering (seeing the 'stars'), while people of color frequently perceive collective or systemic issues (seeing the 'constellations'). The goal is to learn to see both individual and collective realities.
White Guilt and Shame
These emotions are described as self-centered cul-de-sacs that center whiteness and can be paralytic. Instead of getting stuck in guilt, which makes the issue about oneself, the practice is to acknowledge these feelings as impermanent and work with them skillfully to stay engaged and take constructive action.
Post-Mindfulness
This term describes the practice of noticing and processing an experience, such as defensiveness or other unskillful reactions, *after* it has occurred. It allows for later reflection, understanding, and potentially apologizing for actions taken in the moment, even if real-time mindfulness was not achieved.
Dukkha, Anicca, Anatta
These are three core Buddhist concepts: Dukkha (suffering or unsatisfactoriness), Anicca (impermanence), and Anatta (non-self). Shelly Graf mentions observing these directly when working with difficult emotions like defensiveness, recognizing that the unpleasant feelings are impermanent and not a fixed part of one's identity.
6 Questions Answered
Engaging with race and forming authentic relationships with people of color is crucial for meditation practitioners interested in liberation, as it helps understand how internal and external experiences collide and how greed, hatred, and delusion manifest in social and oppressive forces. It's essential for learning how we belong to each other and for collective awakening.
White people should expect shame and guilt to arise, but understand that wallowing in them centers whiteness and can be paralyzing. The practice is to connect with the body, feel these emotions, and trust that they are impermanent, allowing them to move through the body so one can stay engaged and act skillfully.
When defensiveness arises, immediately notice it in the body to become mindful of it and not be subject to its rule. Observe its physical sensations and the urge to lash out or claim righteousness. Instead, work with the body by moving, breathing, and allowing the energy to shift, realizing it's not personal but a conditioned pattern.
Perfectionism, as an aspect of whiteness, manifests as a forceful striving energy to be good or better, often involving comparison and a need to prove oneself. While ambition can be a human drive, in Western culture influenced by whiteness, it can be intertwined with consumerism and capitalism, making it important to inquire into the underlying motivations (e.g., altruism vs. ego gratification).
The urge to intellectualize is a common 'white heart's quickest way to happiness' due to a need to be smart and right. A more sophisticated approach involves staying connected with the body's sensations as questions arise, tracking what's interesting, and getting curious about any unpleasant pulls in the heart. This helps interrupt the pattern of intellectualizing and access deeper understanding.
Staying engaged requires continuous inquiry, like asking 'What are you doing to fix this problem?' and 'What is this moment calling for?' It involves both private and public commitment, doing one's own work, listening to people of color without blindly deferring, and embracing discomfort. Engagement can take many forms, from mindfulness practice to direct action, reading, and advocating.
54 Actionable Insights
1. Deepen Self-Knowledge via Race
View discussions about race as an opportunity to know your mind better, similar to meditation practice, to avoid blindly acting out habit patterns and conditioning.
2. Apply Mindfulness to Racial Injustice
Utilize your mindfulness and meditation practice to awaken to racial injustice, leveraging these skills to gain clearer, deeper insight into previously unrecognized issues.
3. Prioritize Learning Over Rightness
Shift your focus to prioritizing continuous learning and growth rather than striving to always be correct in interactions and understanding.
4. Grapple with Interconnectedness
Engage in the inquiry of how all humans belong to each other, understanding that both silence and engagement contribute to the state of the world.
5. Integrate Internal, External Practice
As a meditation practitioner, be interested in how internal and external experiences collide, learning through interactions how greed, hatred, and delusion manifest in your life.
6. Watch Mind, Practice Ethical Conduct
Cultivate ethical conduct in daily life and learn to watch your mind during all activities, as these intentional actions are crucial for personal and collective awakening.
7. Examine Core Motivations
For ambitious pursuits, deeply inquire into your core motivations—whether it’s to help others or for ego gratification—to guide your actions more skillfully.
8. Practice Radical Honesty
Employ your mindfulness practice to be radically honest and sincere about your motivations, acknowledging when they are not purely altruistic, because knowing how things truly are is valuable.
9. Cultivate Surrender, Curiosity
Address perfectionism and forceful striving by embracing surrender and curiosity, shifting focus from constantly trying to be better to a mindset of continuous learning.
10. Use Body for Deeper Knowing
When your mind defaults to intellectualizing, acknowledge this tendency and then actively use your body to access a deeper, more sophisticated understanding beyond mere intellectual answers.
11. Track Body Sensations, Interrupt Intellectualizing
When intellectual questions arise, maintain connection with your body’s sensations and track any unpleasant feelings with curiosity to effectively interrupt the pattern of intellectualizing.
12. Notice Defensiveness in Body
Immediately observe defensiveness or any strong emotion by noticing its physical sensations in your body, which allows you to become mindful and not be ruled by it.
13. Move Body to Shift Energy
When defensiveness arises, engage in subtle physical movements like walking, breathing, or shifting your posture to help the energy move and transform, preventing impulsive reactions.
14. Watch Patterns, Respond with Love
Rather than attempting to eliminate patterns like defensiveness, observe them as they arise and respond skillfully with love for yourself and others, recognizing their impersonal nature.
15. Skillfully Navigate Shame, Guilt
Anticipate feelings of shame and guilt when addressing racial issues, then learn to work with them skillfully to avoid being paralyzed and to maintain engagement.
16. Feel Emotions, Let Them Move
Practice connecting with the body to feel emotions such as shame and guilt, trusting their impermanence and allowing them to move through you to prevent getting stuck.
17. Avoid Paralytic White Guilt
Bypass the unhelpful cul-de-sac of white guilt by observing inner biases with dispassion, which prevents paralysis and allows for constructive action.
18. Wake Up to Whiteness Tenets
Consciously identify and become aware of how the invisible tenets of whiteness, such as individualism, objectivity, and disconnection, influence your actions and perceptions.
19. Research White Supremacy Culture
Consult online resources listing aspects of white supremacy culture and consistently keep them in mind to recognize their influence on your thoughts and feelings.
20. Learn Country’s Founding History
Actively learn about the historical foundations of the country, including slave labor and stolen land, to comprehend the structural forces and perpetuated values.
21. See Individual and Collective
Cultivate the ability to perceive both individual suffering and the broader collective context, understanding their inherent interconnectedness.
22. Extend Belonging to All
Challenge the limits of your sense of belonging by asking if it extends to all human beings, and actively question why silence is acceptable regarding cultural and systemic atrocities.
23. Foster Mutual Belonging for Growth
Cultivate a deep understanding of mutual belonging to enable willingness to say hard things, ask hard questions, and make mistakes, fostering reciprocal challenge, learning, and growth.
24. Listen, Observe Defensiveness
When listening to people of color, actively observe your mind’s defensive reactions and questions without acting on them, sometimes following their lead to practice ‘power with’ rather than ‘power over’.
25. Listen, Lead, Do Your Own Work
Adopt a sophisticated approach by listening to and sometimes following the lead of people of color, while also doing your own internal work to develop contributions and take responsibility for resolving racial injustice.
26. Allow Questions, Prioritize Listening
Permit intellectual questions to arise without immediately seeking answers, instead prioritizing deep, non-hostile listening in the moment.
27. Practice Body Awareness for Conversations
Cultivate sophistication in difficult conversations by consistently practicing breath awareness and tracking felt sensations in the body, preparing you to engage more skillfully.
28. Keep “What Are You Doing?” Alive
Continuously hold the question ‘What are you doing to fix this problem?’ as an active inquiry in your mind to sustain engagement and motivation.
29. Ask Each Other: “What Now?”
Regularly ask yourself and other white people ‘What are you doing right now?’ to maintain an active and ongoing inquiry into anti-racism work.
30. Prioritize Anti-Racism Daily
Elevate anti-racism work to the same level of daily importance and commitment as fundamental self-care activities like eating and brushing your teeth.
31. Diverse Anti-Racism Engagement
Engage in anti-racism work through varied actions like mindfulness practice, advocacy, reading, and consuming alternative news, continually asking ‘What is this moment calling for?’ to guide your next step.
32. Stay in Race Conversation
Make a conscious commitment to remain engaged in conversations about race, both in private discussions and public forums like podcasts, as a continuous effort.
33. Develop Systematic Race Plan
Create a long-term, systematic plan to consistently engage with and address issues of race, ensuring efforts are intentional rather than haphazard.
34. Use Reminders for Privilege
Place external reminders, such as post-it notes, to counteract the buffering effect of white privilege and keep the importance of anti-racism work present and personal.
35. Stay in Discomfort with Body
Consciously use your body to remain present and engaged with discomfort, confusion, and ‘heat’ during anti-racism work, accepting that this will be an ongoing part of the process.
36. Embrace Future Discomfort
Commit to embracing and becoming accustomed to discomfort, anticipating a future where being white will be less comfortable as various racial justice movements gain prominence.
37. Inquire: How Has White Supremacy Hurt Me?
Actively ask and reflect on how white supremacy culture has personally harmed you, using this inquiry to penetrate the buffer of privilege and foster deeper understanding.
38. Reflect on Disconnection, Mistrust
Consider how white supremacy has led to a disconnection from your own heart and capacity to care, and how it contributes to difficulties and mistrust in authentic relationships with people of color.
39. Build Authentic Relationships
Actively seek and cultivate authentic relationships with people of color where power dynamics are balanced, focusing on caring, loving, befriending, and joining in activities.
40. Engage Virtually with POC
When face-to-face opportunities are scarce, utilize technology platforms like Zoom, Instagram, or reading materials to engage with and listen to people of color.
41. Engage with Social Forces
Actively find ways to engage, learn, and listen to social and oppressive forces, as true awakening requires moving beyond a personal bubble.
42. Embrace Three Buddhist Jewels
Fully integrate all aspects of the Buddhist path, including mind training, the teachings (Dharma), and the community (Sangha), for comprehensive awakening.
43. Mindfulness Impacts Social World
Understand that your mindfulness practice will naturally extend beyond personal experience, influencing your social world as mindful awareness grows in strength.
44. Strive for Skillful Engagement
Make a conscious effort to be skillful and abide in goodness during conversations, as this engagement and contribution create a sense of belonging and positive impact.
45. Plant Skillful Karmic Seeds
Recognize the power of karma by consciously planting intentional seeds of skillful actions and intentions, which will support ongoing positive efforts.
46. Observe Control Instincts
Pay attention to your instinct to control situations, especially when plans are disrupted, as this reveals a manifestation of clinging to power.
47. Notice Need to Be Right
Become aware of your desire to be right in conversations and the impulse to dismiss differing opinions, as these are manifestations of clinging to power.
48. See Perfectionism as Nature
Reframe perfectionism as a collective ‘force of nature’ rather than an individual problem, allowing for a broader, less personal approach to its observation and understanding.
49. Recognize Intellectualizing Tendency
Become aware of your tendency to intellectualize and seek academic validation when encountering challenging concepts, understanding it as a common head-based reaction.
50. Examine Uncomfortable Race Thoughts
Instead of submerging or swatting away horrifying thoughts about race, drag them out of the subconscious and take a hard look at them to know your mind better.
51. Approach Bias with Friendliness
Engage in the work of examining racial biases with mindfulness and friendliness, understanding that guilt and shame are self-centered cul-de-sacs that hinder progress.
52. Evolve Meditation Motivation
Begin meditation for personal reasons like reducing suffering, but allow your motivation to deepen over time to include playing a more positive role in the world.
53. Practice Post-Mindfulness
If you react defensively, later reflect on the conversation to notice where you got caught, allowing the experience to pass and apologizing if necessary, a practice known as ‘post-mindfulness’.
54. Surrender to Being Learner
Before engaging in tasks, acknowledge that there will be a mix of wisdom and delusion, and consciously surrender to the role of a continuous learner in the moment.
8 Key Quotes
Guilt and shame are just self-centered cul-de-sacs.
Dan Harris
We didn't summon these thoughts. They were injected into us by the culture.
Dan Harris
The most obvious thing, we'll just find yourself in authentic relationships with people of color and see where they go, right?
Shelly Graf
Whiteness is an elusive thing. Its job is to be invisible.
Shelly Graf
White people tend to see the stars and people of color tend to see the constellations.
Ruth King (quoted by Shelly Graf)
My job, I don't feel like is to get rid of defensiveness or perfectionism or individualism or anything like that. I just have to watch.
Shelly Graf
Sweetie, it's going to be a mixed bag tonight, some wisdom, some delusion, and you know, it's not going to be other than that. So just surrender to being a learner in this moment.
Shelly Graf
What are you doing to fix this problem?
Willie (quoted by Dan Harris)
1 Protocols
Working with Defensiveness
Shelly Graf- Immediately notice defensiveness in the body (e.g., in the heart or chest).
- Become mindful and aware of it, so you are not subject to its rule.
- Observe its physical manifestations, such as a force in the chest, rising to the throat, or an urge to lash out or claim self-righteousness.
- Work with the body by moving (e.g., head, arms, shoulders), shrugging, rolling back, or taking breaths.
- Allow that energy to move, change, and shift, realizing it is impermanent and not personal.
- Respond skillfully with love for yourself and others, trusting that it is a force of nature and not inherently 'you'.