Why Am I Like This? | Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach
Dan Harris hosts best-selling author Glennon Doyle and two-time Olympic gold medalist Abby Wambach, who discuss their new book "We Can Do Hard Things." They explore why self-help authors still struggle, how trauma impacts memory, navigating grief through acceptance, understanding family roles, and the possibility of personal change.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach's New Book
Personal Struggles Leading to the Book's Creation
Why Self-Help Authors Also Struggle and Forget Their Own Wisdom
Trauma, Anxiety, and Dissociation's Impact on Memory and Wisdom
The 20 Fundamental Questions Explored in the Book
Navigating Grief: The Question of 'How Do I Go On?'
Acceptance of the Unknown and the Role of Structure
The Buddhist Perspective on Impermanence and Letting Go
White Lotus Season 2: Enlightenment and Finding Meaning
The Question: 'Why Am I Like This?' - Family Roles and Dynamics
The Possibility of Personal Change and Breaking Old Patterns
Attachment Theory and Recognizing 'The Chase as Love'
Cultivating Self-Love and Standing Up for Oneself
Overcoming Fear of Abandonment vs. Engulfment in Relationships
5 Key Concepts
Mini Dissociation
This is a phenomenon where, during hard times or high anxiety, individuals become disconnected from their own wisdom and knowledge, making it difficult to access what they've learned or taught. It's like a temporary forgetting of one's own internal resources.
Family Roles
These are specific parts or identities individuals adopt within their family dynamic, often to serve an unconscious purpose for the family system. Examples include the 'sick one' (scapegoat) or the 'hero,' and stepping out of these roles can disrupt the entire family dynamic.
The Chase as Love
This concept describes how early experiences of needing to pursue attention or affection, particularly in large families, can program an individual to associate the act of 'chasing' with love in adult relationships. This can lead to attraction to aloof or challenging partners, as that dynamic feels familiar and like 'love'.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
A therapeutic model that views the mind as being made up of multiple 'parts,' each with its own feelings and beliefs. Abby Wambach mentions using this approach to understand and heal wounded, younger parts of herself that sought protection.
Fear of Engulfment vs. Abandonment
A dynamic often seen in intimate relationships where one partner fears being consumed or losing their identity (engulfment) while the other fears being left or losing connection (abandonment). This can lead to a push-pull dynamic.
7 Questions Answered
Even self-help authors and personal growth experts can struggle because when under stress or anxiety, the fear center of the brain (amygdala) fires, making it difficult for the rational part of the brain to access learned wisdom and teachings.
Trauma can lead to dissociation, a state where individuals become disconnected from their own wisdom and knowledge, making it harder to remember past learnings or apply self-help principles when they are most needed.
Going on after grief involves a process of deep therapy and eventually accepting what is, even when there are no definitive answers or explanations for loss. It requires moving from seeking justice or factual explanations to embracing the uncertainty and maintaining presence.
Structure can provide a sense of safety and a bulwark against the groundlessness of uncertainty. However, true peace may come from admitting there is no ultimate safety and stopping the frantic search for it, instead relaxing into the flux of life.
Our individual characteristics and behaviors are significantly shaped by family roles we were assigned (e.g., 'the sick one,' 'the hero'), unhealed family trauma, and the specific culture we were raised in. Attachment theory also suggests that what we were taught was 'love' in childhood dictates what we seek in adult relationships.
Yes, personal change is possible, though often difficult and gradual. It begins with becoming aware of one's tendencies and historical patterns, which makes them more 'tractable.' Even small, consistent changes can add up over time.
While completely stopping old patterns might be hard, parents can be transparent with their children about their struggles. By explaining their behaviors (e.g., judgmentalism stemming from fear) and encouraging their children to see them through their own clearer lens, parents can help children avoid adopting those same patterns.
24 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Self-Awareness
Make an effort to become aware of who you are and why you operate the way you do, as this curiosity is the first step towards potential personal change.
2. Embrace Acceptance of Uncertainty
Cultivate acceptance of what is, acknowledging that you don’t know everything and cannot control the universe, which can lead to a sense of peace and reduce suffering.
3. Identify Your Behavioral Tendencies
Gain a clear sense of your personal behavioral tendencies, as recognizing these patterns makes them more manageable and changeable over time.
4. Step Out of Assigned Family Roles
Embark on a ‘hero’s journey’ to consciously step out of the family roles you were assigned, even though this can be challenging and may disrupt existing family dynamics.
5. Cultivate Self-Love
Actively engage in the process of cultivating self-love by asking yourself why you might struggle with it and exploring what self-love truly means for you.
6. Stand Up for Yourself Immediately
Practice standing up for yourself in the moment when you feel challenged or teased, as this brave action can foster self-respect and self-love.
7. Practice Equanimity and Letting Go
Find pleasure and peace by relaxing into the flux of life, letting go of the need to frantically control everything, and allowing things to unfold naturally.
8. Practice Presence and Gratitude
Strive to be present in the moment and grateful for your current circumstances, rather than grasping at what others have or pretending to be different.
9. Let Time Give Life Meaning
Cease the active search for esoteric or metaphysical meaning, and instead surrender to the idea that time itself, and being present within it, is what ultimately gives life meaning.
10. Cultivate Positive Relationships
Prioritize and nurture positive relationships with others in your life, as love and connection with those around you can provide profound meaning and support.
11. Externalize Wisdom for Hard Times
During difficult periods, externalize your wisdom and hope by collecting ‘glimmers of wisdom’ or snippets of knowledge, creating a resource you can revisit to remember what you know when you feel disconnected from your own insights.
12. Seek Reminders from Close Ones
When experiencing stress or anxiety and forgetting what you’ve learned, rely on the people closest to you to help remind you of your wisdom and insights.
13. Understand Brain’s Stress Response
Recognize that during stress or anxiety, the brain’s fear center (amygdala) fires, making it difficult for the rational part to function, leading to forgetting learned wisdom.
14. Bravely Ask Hard Questions
Be brave enough to ask yourself difficult questions about your identity and behaviors, understanding that many others share these questions, which can reduce feelings of loneliness.
15. Explain Personal Flaws to Children
Be transparent with your children about your personal flaws and coping mechanisms, explaining the underlying reasons for your behaviors (e.g., fear) so they can interpret your actions without adopting your ’lens.’
16. Encourage Children’s Independent Perspective
Encourage your children to trust their own perspective and ‘clearer lens,’ allowing them to make their own judgments and mistakes, rather than adopting your ingrained biases or fears.
17. Respond to Teasing with ‘Are You Okay?’
When someone is teasing or being judgmental, respond by asking ‘Are you okay? Do you need something right now?’ as this can be a brilliant way to address the underlying insecurity or need.
18. Recognize ‘Chase as Love’ Pattern
Understand that if you were taught that love involves chasing attention or affection, you might be attracted to aloof or challenging partners, mistaking the ‘chase’ for genuine love.
19. Address Insecurity and Worthiness Needs
Recognize that behaviors like immediately trusting and loving everyone might stem from insecurity and a deep need to feel loved and worthy, prompting self-reflection on these underlying motivations.
20. Process Unresolved Grief
Actively work through any unprocessed grief from your past, as new losses can trigger and bring to the surface all previous unaddressed emotional pain.
21. Reassure Partner Before Addressing Grievances
When discussing a grievance with a partner who fears abandonment, preface the conversation with explicit reassurances of love and commitment (e.g., ‘I love you. I’m not going to leave you’) before addressing the issue.
22. Understand Abandonment/Engulfment Fears
Recognize common relationship patterns where one partner fears abandonment and the other fears engulfment, as understanding these dynamics can help navigate intimate relationships.
23. Regularly Seek Reminders for Growth
Understand that personal change is possible but requires regular reminders and reawakening to stay on track, even for those who teach personal growth principles.
24. Attend Live Meditation Mini-Series
Attend a live meditation mini-series focusing on Buddhist practices like loving-kindness meditation, which are designed to cultivate positive emotions and reduce anxiety.
7 Key Quotes
Is there anything you can remember that I said that you could tell me back that might help me?
Glennon Doyle
When we are going through a hard time, when we need wisdom the most, when we need to remember I've been here before, I am not new on this planet, I have walked this path, and I have wisdom to lean on, that's when it's hardest to access.
Glennon Doyle
Accepting never knowing anything is where I try to get to every day. Pretending to know things is usually where I live a lot of my day. And the balance and the tension between those two things is, in fact, I think, kind of the human suffering struggle that we all go through.
Abby Wambach
Is this how it's always been to exist in the face of suffering and death and somehow still keep singing?
Glennon Doyle
I'm happy you have a beautiful face. I'm happy you have a beautiful life. And I'm just grateful to be at the table.
Glennon Doyle
Time is what gives my life meaning.
Glennon Doyle
The only problem with that is it goes against what life is.
Glennon Doyle