Why Men Armor Up | Daniel Ellenberg
Daniel Ellenberg, a psychotherapist and President of APA's Division 51, discusses upgrading the male operating system. He explores traditional masculinity's impact on male bonding, mental health, and the importance of self-compassion and relational skills for men.
Deep Dive Analysis
19 Topic Outline
Introduction to the Male Operating System and Its Upgrade
Daniel Ellenberg's Personal Journey into Male Psychology
Three Main Obstacles to Deep Male Friendships
Parenting Boys and Navigating Emotional Expression
Strategies for Raising Emotionally Literate Boys
Role Modeling and Educating Other Men
Understanding Traditional Masculine Ideology
How to Evolve Beyond Traditional Masculinity
The Link Between Negative Masculinity and Societal Issues
Distinguishing Negative Masculinity from Toxic Masculinity
Transcending Gender Dichotomies for Wholeness
Societal and Personal Costs of Suppressed Male Emotions
Barriers and Benefits of Self-Compassion for Men
Personalizing Self-Compassion Practices
Resources and Pathways for Men's Emotional Growth
How Men Can Support Each Other's Emotional Development
How Women Can Support Men's Emotional Growth
Responding Constructively to Accusations and Triggers
Re-evaluating Societal Perceptions of Boys and Their Emotional Needs
6 Key Concepts
Intimacy
Intimacy is defined as 'into me, see,' meaning allowing others to see into your inner world, including your vulnerabilities. This process of self-disclosure is crucial for forming deeper connections, even in non-sexual relationships.
Traditional Masculinity Ideology (TMI)
TMI is a set of norms taught to boys over millennia, emphasizing stoicism, not asking for help, avoiding vulnerability, and presenting as strong, successful, and in control. It often equates weakness or 'feminine' traits with being bad, and vulnerability is considered its linchpin.
Negative Masculinity
This term is preferred over 'toxic masculinity' to avoid shaming masculinity in general. Negative masculinity describes behaviors like always needing to be in control, never admitting fault, dominating others, not asking for help, not showing vulnerability, and being unwilling to be relational, often positioning oneself above others in a hierarchy.
Ironic Processes
Based on Daniel Wegner's work, this concept explains how trying to suppress or get rid of an unwanted thought or feeling (like anxiety) can paradoxically make it stronger. The mind's monitoring system, in checking for the absence of the unwanted state, inadvertently exacerbates it.
Self-Directed Positive Neuroplasticity
Referencing Rick Hansen's work, this concept describes how consistently taking in and reinforcing positive experiences and states can physically change the brain over time, effectively turning a positive state into a lasting positive trait.
Psychoosmosis
This term describes the process by which individuals unconsciously absorb and internalize messages, beliefs, and norms from the surrounding culture through the permeable membranes of the brain. These internalized messages can influence one's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, even without conscious awareness.
5 Questions Answered
Three main factors are competition (often dog-eat-dog rather than striving together), homophobia (the fear that loving other guys implies being gay, used as a social control), and fear of physical violence if one says the wrong thing. Additionally, the 'boy code' and 'man code' teach that showing vulnerability is unmasculine.
Traditional masculine ideology is a set of norms passed down for millennia, characterized by stoicism (not showing feelings, not asking for help), avoiding vulnerability (the linchpin), not showing weakness, and being a 'success object' who is strong, in control, and has money. It often frames anything 'feminine' as bad.
Ellenberg avoids 'toxic masculinity' because he believes it can shame masculinity in general, implying that masculinity itself is bad. He prefers 'negative masculinity' to describe specific behaviors like needing control, never admitting fault, dominating, and lacking relational openness, advocating instead for men to embrace the full, healthy human repertoire of skills and aspects.
The primary barrier is traditional masculinity ideology, which associates compassion and self-compassion with weakness. Men are conditioned to 'man up,' 'suck it up,' and suppress pain rather than acknowledge it. This external referencing and avoidance of internal feelings like doubt, insecurity, and anxiety make self-compassion seem shameful.
Men often react defensively because accusations can trigger deeply installed personal 'buttons' related to fears of being unlovable or a 'monster,' especially when cultural messages are accusatory. A constructive response involves pausing (mindfulness), self-regulating, acknowledging the intense reaction, and then opening to curiosity by asking, 'Help me understand what you experienced from me that led you to that conclusion,' while also self-soothing with the understanding that internalizing cultural biases doesn't make one unlovable.
29 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Self-Compassion for Others
To unlock deeper relationships and express more caring for others, first learn to feel and express caring towards yourself. This internal self-care is a significant foundation for external compassion.
2. Practice Vulnerability for Intimacy
Allow others to ‘see into you’ by sharing your vulnerabilities, as this is a key way to build closer, more intimate relationships. This counters the competitive model where showing weakness is avoided.
3. Acknowledge Pain, Be Kind
The first step in self-compassion is recognizing that you are hurting in a given moment. Then, have the courage to be kind to yourself in that moment, rather than stuffing or denying the pain.
4. Reframe Self-Compassion as Courage
Challenge the internalized belief that self-compassion is weak or indulgent; instead, understand that it is a sign of courage, especially when it involves ‘fierce self-compassion’ or standing up for yourself.
5. Develop Internal Emotional Relationship
Counteract conditioning that leads to external referencing by paying attention to and feeling your emotions, which helps develop a deeper internal relationship with yourself. This allows for genuine self-compassion.
6. Ask for Help Courageously
Recognize that asking for help is a sign of courage and strength, not weakness, directly challenging the traditional masculine ideology of bearing burdens alone. Many men break down because they don’t seek assistance.
7. Address Personal Shadow in Parenting
When noticing negative reactions to your child’s emotions, use it as an opportunity to explore and open up to your own past experiences of shaming and blaming. This self-awareness can help you avoid passing on negative conditioning.
8. Maintain Open Child Communication
Encourage your children’s emotional expression and maintain an open channel of communication at home, providing a safe space for them to discuss their feelings without being shut down. This helps prevent them from developing intense defenses.
9. Prepare Children for World’s Harshness
Frame the world for your children by explaining that not everyone will be as sensitive or kind as your family, and encourage them to always come to you to discuss difficult experiences. This prepares them for external pressures while reinforcing family support.
10. Model Openness for Other Men
To support other men in their personal growth, model the openness you wish to see by sharing your own journey and what you’ve learned. Approach them with genuine care, rather than arrogance, to foster sincere connection.
11. Develop Relational Skills for Success
Cultivate strong relationship skills and genuinely care about other people, as this is essential for being a successful leader in today’s world. Leaders who lack these skills, despite being good at tasks, often struggle to connect effectively.
12. Pause and Inquire When Accused
When accused or triggered, pause and practice mindfulness by noticing your immediate reaction, creating space to avoid reacting impulsively. This allows for self-regulation before responding.
13. Practice Self-Compassion for Biases
Recognize that cultural biases (like sexism) are internalized through ‘psychoosmosis’ and are common; approach self-reflection with self-compassion. Ask yourself, ‘How can I be with that?’ and ‘How can I learn from that?’ instead of becoming defensive.
14. See the ‘Hurting Boy’ in Men
When encountering gruff or emotionally distant men, recognize that they likely have a ‘hurting little boy’ within them whose emotions were suppressed by past shaming or abuse. This perspective can help foster empathy and encourage them to reconnect with their sensitive nature.
15. Take Responsibility for Behavior
Understand that while past trauma or conditioning may have shaped you, you are still responsible for your actions. You must choose not to act out abusive behaviors in the world, regardless of your personal history.
16. Overcome Limiting Beliefs
Challenge ‘stupid stories’ or beliefs, such as those from negative masculinity, that hinder you from living a thriving life. Ask yourself how ‘manly’ it is to let such beliefs prevent your well-being.
17. Reinforce Positive Experiences
Engage in self-directed positive neuroplasticity by repeatedly taking in and reinforcing positive experiences with passion. This practice can change your brain over time, turning positive states into lasting positive traits.
18. Embrace Continuous Learning
Adopt a mindset of continuous learning, recognizing that while you are ‘perfect,’ there is always ‘room for improvement.’ This perspective fosters growth and self-development.
19. Share Jealousy with Friends
Openly discuss feelings like jealousy with friends, even if it feels ‘outlier-ish,’ to foster deeper connections and talk about ‘real things.’ This vulnerability can bring people closer.
20. Connect with Like-Minded Parents
Build connections with other parents who share your values and discuss how to raise boys in a culture that shames emotional expression. Consider forming support groups to collectively monitor and support children.
21. Utilize Media for Healthy Masculinity
Expose children to media, books, and movies that promote a healthy and expanded view of masculinity. This helps counteract traditional harmful stereotypes and offers positive role models.
22. Encourage Children as Role Models
Plant the seed in your child’s mind that they can be a teacher and role model for other boys and men. Reinforce that they can make a positive difference in the world, as teaching is a powerful way to learn.
23. Reinforce Positive Self-Belief
Consistently reinforce the message to your children that they can make a difference in the world. These positive ‘seeds’ can be fertilized and grow into strong self-belief, impacting their future actions.
24. Approach Men with Care, Not Fixing
If a woman wants to support a man, approach him from a place of genuine care and human-to-human connection, rather than trying to ‘fix’ him. A ‘fix-it’ mentality can trigger defensiveness and shame in men.
25. Consider ‘Threat of Loss’ (Last Resort)
While not a primary recommendation, sometimes the ’threat of loss’ (e.g., leaving a relationship) can be a powerful motivator for a man to change behavior. This strategy may be necessary when other approaches have failed to get his attention.
26. Integrate Study and Practice
Combine intellectual understanding (study) with practical application (practice) to engage multiple parts of the mind and integrate wisdom more deeply. This deliberate symbiosis enhances learning and personal growth.
27. Continue Existing Meditation
If you have already found a way to meditate that works for you, whether through YouTube, sitting in silence, or another app, continue with that practice. There are many valid paths to learning meditation.
28. Seek Male Personal Growth Resources
Explore resources like The Good Man Project (a free magazine), The Mankind Project (weekend workshops), and the APA Division 51 website (division51.net) to find support and materials for personal development and challenging traditional masculinity.
29. Explore ‘Strength with Heart’
Visit strengthwithheart.com to learn more about developing strength alongside heartfulness, fostering a deep sense of personal mission and being a good human being. This resource encourages a balanced approach to male identity.
4 Key Quotes
It's not courageous or strong to bear it alone, but it's much more courageous to actually ask for help.
Daniel Ellenberg
That which we try to get rid of tends to get stronger.
Daniel Ellenberg
You are perfect. And there's room for improvement.
Suzuki Roshi
I have a phonetic I use for intimacy because I don't associate it with sexuality, intimacy. It can be, but it doesn't have to be the phonetic of into me, see.
Daniel Ellenberg