Why Self-Hatred Makes No Sense | Matthew Brensilver
Matthew Brensilver, PhD, explores self-love and self-hatred in the context of the illusory self. He discusses viewing anger with skepticism, the link between self-love and ethics, tolerating moral incoherence, and finding peace with mortality through a deep commitment to love.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Self-Love and Self-Hatred in the Context of Not-Self
Spectrum of Self-Density and Non-Clinging Self-Love
Insight into Not-Self and Self-Forgiveness
Defining Love as Softening to the Human Condition
Viewing Anger and Aversion with Skepticism
The Gradual Nature of Practice and Humility
Connection Between Self-Love and Ethical Evolution (Sila)
Tolerating Moral Incoherence and Disorientation
Effective Altruism and the Modern Bodhisattva
The Bodhisattva Vow and Radical Commitment
Balancing Indulgence with Ethical Responsibility
Why Your Practice's Progress Is None of Your Business
Reduced Fear of Death Through Practice and Completion
Love as the Mechanism for Peace with Mortality
5 Key Concepts
Not-Self / Not Ownership
This concept suggests that the 'self' is not a fixed, solid entity but rather an illusion or a fluid, flexible collection of phenomena. Moving towards understanding not-self involves a process of unclenching from rigid ideas about who we are, leading to greater self-acceptance and forgiveness.
Self-Love (Buddhist Context)
In this context, self-love is not grandiosity or arrogance, but rather a deep understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance of one's own limitations. It is an expression of non-clinging, making the self less fixated and easier to 'forget' or view with less attachment, moving closer to the emptiness of self.
Sila (Ethical Conduct)
Sila refers to the Buddhist rules of training or guidelines that steer individuals away from suffering. It encompasses both what one ought not to do (e.g., harm others) and, in a broader sense, the positive duties and ethical commitments one has towards others and the world.
Moral Incoherence / Unjustifiability
This is the nagging sense that one's life, as it is lived, is not fully justifiable given the immense suffering in the world and the privileging of trivial pleasures over the well-being of others. Tolerating this disorientation, rather than rationalizing it away, can be a catalyst for ethical growth.
Bodhisattva
A Bodhisattva embodies a deep, abiding, and almost relentless commitment to the welfare of all beings. It involves dedicating one's heart, practice, and life to benefiting everyone encountered, representing a radical and profound ethical commitment.
6 Questions Answered
Self-hatred represents a very fixated and solid sense of self, while self-love, understood as acceptance and non-clinging, is a more fluid way of relating to the self that moves one closer to understanding its illusory nature.
Realizing the multi-causal nature of our being and that what feels intimately 'me' originates outside of a fixed self, fosters a deep sense of forgiveness and 'innocence' for our thoughts and feelings, as the ego is no longer at stake.
When anger or aversion arises, one should view it with skepticism, remembering that delusion is always coexisting with it. This prompts deeper investigation into its causes, leading to less reason for hatred and more for love and understanding.
Moving from a defensive, congealed self towards self-acceptance and understanding the emptiness of self is crucial for ethical evolution. This reduces defensiveness, allowing one to become more sensitive to suffering and more committed to ethical actions and duties towards others.
A Bodhisattva represents a deep, unwavering commitment to the welfare of others, making one's life beneficial for all encountered. In a modern context, this translates to actively addressing tractable suffering in the world, often through rigorous analytical thinking and quantitative efforts, but fundamentally driven by love.
Practice can engender a sense of completion in life, making one feel that 'it was enough,' and whatever else comes is 'gravy.' This comes from deeply exploring the human condition, the possibilities for well-being and peace, and cultivating a legacy of love for oneself and others.
26 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Self-Love & Forgiveness
Practice self-love by deeply understanding, forgiving, appreciating, and accepting your limitations, which fosters a fluid relationship with yourself and moves you towards understanding the emptiness of self. Recognize that seeing your habits (greed, aversion, delusion) does not justify self-harshness or self-hatred.
2. Practice Loving-Kindness (Metta)
Incorporate high-dosage Metta (loving-kindness) practice into your meditation to uncover and address subtle aversions in your mindfulness practice, suffusing your mind with warmth and acceptance.
3. View Thoughts as Non-Personal
See whatever arises in your mind as a function of causes and conditions, not personal, to foster self-forgiveness and reduce self-blame, recognizing the ‘innocence of our being.’ Understanding the multi-causal nature of thoughts and feelings reduces ego’s defensiveness, fostering courage for deeper self-exploration.
4. Approach Anger with Skepticism
View anger and aversion with skepticism, acknowledging that while there might be a seed of wisdom, delusion is always present and the certainty of that mind state needs to be undercut. When experiencing these emotions, remind yourself that they cannot end well, are not the final truth, and always omit something.
5. Look Deeper into Causality
When anger or aversion arises, follow the causal thread deeper into its origins to find more reasons for love, forgiveness, and understanding, recognizing that hatred always leaves something out. Be rigorously honest and discerning when your mind tries to justify aversion, noticing when you’re omitting information that weakens your case.
6. Respond to Suffering Ethically
Recognize that wherever there is suffering, there ought to be ethical commitments (sila), and respond to this call to evolve ethically as individuals and as a species.
7. Tolerate Moral Disorientation
Tolerate disorientation when evolving ethically, as egoic mechanisms will try to re-establish familiar ground, understanding that it is safe to fall and explore new ethical territory. Use dharma practice to become more comfortable with this ‘free fall’ and the absence of familiar egoic reference points.
8. Don’t Assess Meditation Progress
When meditating, focus on simply doing the practice (‘clock in and clock out’) rather than constantly assessing its progress or trajectory, and avoid using the pleasantness or unpleasantness of a moment as the sole barometer for its effectiveness.
9. Prioritize Love as Life’s Legacy
Prioritize loving well and living carefully, as the legacy of love is the most important thing at the end of life, and it’s about the only thing that matters from what can be seen.
10. Practice Letting Go of Grasping
Repeatedly practice ‘unclenching the fist of grasping’ (letting go of control and ownership) in daily life and meditation as preparation for the final surrender at death.
11. Reflect on Life’s ‘Enoughness’
Reflect on what makes life feel ’enough’ to counteract the endless desire for more time or experience, cultivating a sense of completion in life that can diminish the imposing nature of death.
12. Engage in Gradual Training
Understand that overcoming deep-seated habits like aversion takes time and consistent gradual training, similar to an athlete, to prevent getting overwhelmed by reactivity.
13. Aim for Humility, Not Humiliation
When overwhelmed by suffering and reactivity, aim for humility rather than humiliation, recognizing that pain or negative habits are not a personal commentary on your deepest being.
14. Use Suffering to Soften Heart
When mindfulness techniques fail and you’re in deep pain, use it as an opportunity to return to love and compassion for yourself, allowing the intensity of your habits to soften your heart through surrender, which can deepen your motivation to practice.
15. Reduce Defensiveness for Ethics
Move away from arrogance and self-hatred towards deeper self-acceptance and understanding of ’emptiness of self’ to reduce defensiveness, which is crucial as you evolve ethically.
16. Confront Moral Incoherence
Reflect on your own life’s moral unjustifiability, particularly regarding privileging trivial pleasures over the suffering of others, and instead of shutting down or rationalizing, tolerate the discomfort this brings.
17. Explore Effective Altruism
Explore effective altruism and consider what modern compassion (bodhisattva-like action) looks like in addressing tractable suffering in the world.
18. Utilize Freed Energy for Others
As your personal suffering diminishes through practice, use the freed-up energy to open your eyes more fully to the suffering and well-being in the world, leading to a deeper commitment to meet its conditions.
19. Stay Conscious of Ethical Questions
Stay conscious of ethical questions (e.g., how high do we live while others die) and live with them, allowing them to catalyze changes in your own behavior.
20. Approach Ethical Growth with Wonder
Approach ethical development with wonder, seeing it as a dynamic process of transformation rather than static rule-following.
21. Surrender to Meditation Practice
Practice surrendering to the present moment and the intensity of the human condition, simply paying attention to the breath and sensory events without judgment.
22. Cultivate Multi-Faceted Love
Practice a multi-faceted approach to love: love yourself deeply (appreciating strengths, goodness, foibles, limitations), love others in sustained relationships, and love widely/radically for all beings, including those you’ll never meet.
23. Experience Boundless Love
Engage in practice to experience the boundless, pervasive nature of love, allowing it to serve as a ‘North Star’ amidst daily challenges and leave a lasting impression on your heart.
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5 Key Quotes
The self that is hated is much more difficult to forget than the self that is loved.
Matthew Brensilver
Anger can be initiatory, but not transformative.
Matthew Brensilver (quoting Ruth King)
I want to think of myself as a good person, but I don't really want to change my behavior, that is a bit of a jam.
Matthew Brensilver
How your retreat is going is none of your business.
Matthew Brensilver
The legacy of love, it's about the only thing that matters from what I could see.
Matthew Brensilver