Why Self-Hatred Makes No Sense | Matthew Brensilver
This episode features Matthew Brensilver, PhD, discussing if self-love or self-hatred make sense if the self is an illusion. It also covers viewing anger with skepticism, the link between self-love and ethics, and finding peace with mortality.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Introduction to Self-Love, Self-Hatred, and Not-Self
Self-Love as a Spectrum of Self-Density
Loving-Kindness Practice and Uncovering Aversion
Not-Self Insight Leads to Self-Forgiveness and Innocence
Defining Love as Softening to Human Poignancy
Skepticism Towards Anger and Aversion
Gradual Nature of Practice and Humility vs. Humiliation
Connection Between Self-Love and Ethical Conduct (Sila)
Moral Unjustifiability and Effective Altruism
The Modern Bodhisattva and Radical Commitment
Why 'How Your Practice is Going is None of Your Business'
Reduced Fear of Death Through Practice and Love's Legacy
7 Key Concepts
Not-Self / Emptiness of Self
The Buddhist concept that the self is an illusion, not a fixed, solid entity. It is better understood as 'not ownership' or a fluid, flexible way of relating to the self, moving away from a dense, fixated sense of self towards non-clinging.
Self-Love (Buddhist Context)
Not arrogance or self-aggrandizement, but a deep understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance of one's limitations. It is an expression of non-clinging and a movement towards accepting the arising phenomena that comprise the self, unclenching the hand of grasping.
Dependent Origination
The understanding that our being, thoughts, and feelings arise from multiple causes and conditions, not from an isolated, personal 'me.' This insight fosters self-forgiveness and a sense of 'innocence' by revealing the multi-causal nature of our existence.
Love (Broad Definition)
A general softening of the heart, encompassing loving kindness, compassion, civility, generosity, and appreciation for the existential condition of oneself and society. It acts as a placeholder for everything good in the universe, representing anything 'north of neutral.'
Sila (Ethical Conduct)
Buddhist guidelines that lead away from suffering, articulating what one ought not to do. It also implies positive duties and an ongoing ethical evolution, where one becomes more sensitive to suffering and the moral fabric of the universe, leading to deeper commitments.
Moral Unjustifiability
A personal sense that one's life, as currently lived, is not fully justifiable given the immense suffering in the world and the privileging of trivial pleasures. Tolerating this disorientation, rather than rationalizing it away, can catalyze deeper ethical commitment and action.
Bodhisattva
A being with a deep, abiding, and relentless commitment to the welfare of others, dedicating one's heart, practice, and life to benefit all encountered. In a modern context, it involves asking how compassion translates into effective action in a world with known, tractable suffering.
8 Questions Answered
Self-love and self-hatred exist on a spectrum of 'density of self.' Self-hatred represents a fixated, solid self, while self-love, understood as deep acceptance and forgiveness, moves one towards a more fluid, non-clinging, and ultimately empty sense of self.
The insight into 'not-self' (or dependent origination) brings a raft of self-forgiveness and a sense of 'innocence,' as one realizes that thoughts and feelings arise from multi-causal conditions rather than a personal, fixed ego. This diminishes the grounds for self-hatred and increases possibilities for love.
View anger and aversion with skepticism, recognizing that while they may contain a 'seed of wisdom' (initiatory), they always coexist with delusion and 'cannot end well.' Training involves remembering to look deeper into causality, which often leads to understanding and love.
Moving towards self-love, which involves less defensiveness and deeper acceptance, is crucial for ethical evolution. As one's own suffering diminishes, there is more capacity to perceive and respond to the suffering of the world, leading to a commitment to 'sila' or positive duties to others.
Moral unjustifiability is the uncomfortable recognition that one's life, with its trivial pleasures, may not be justifiable given the vast suffering in the world. Instead of rationalizing it away, one should tolerate this disorientation, allowing it to catalyze deeper ethical commitment and action.
A Bodhisattva embodies a deep, abiding, and relentless commitment to the welfare of others, dedicating one's life and practice to benefit all beings. In a modern context, it involves asking how compassion translates into action in a world with known, tractable suffering.
This phrase encourages surrendering the compulsive tendency to constantly assess and gauge the trajectory of one's practice. Instead of obsessing over whether one is 'doing it right' or 'getting stronger' after each moment, the focus should be on simply doing the practice with sincerity, trusting that understanding will arise in its own time.
Practice can engender a sense of completion in life, making one feel that 'whatever else comes is gravy.' By exploring the mind's chambers, cultivating deep peace, and especially by fostering boundless love, one prepares for the 'grand surrender of control' at the end of life, making death less imposing.
17 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Flexible Self-Love
Cultivate self-love by deeply understanding, forgiving, and accepting your limitations, rather than fixating on self-hatred or grandiosity. This approach fosters a more fluid and flexible relationship with the self, moving closer to understanding the emptiness of self.
2. Practice Self-Forgiveness through Causality
Explore the concept of dependent origination to understand the multi-causal nature of your being, thoughts, and feelings. This understanding leads to self-forgiveness and a sense of ‘innocence,’ removing egoic stakes from self-exploration.
3. Build a Legacy of Love
Prioritize cultivating and expressing love deeply in your life, both for yourself and others, as this is the most salient legacy at the time of death. This practice helps ensure your life feels whole and complete, preparing you for the end of life with a heart pervaded by love.
4. Approach Anger with Skepticism
When anger or aversion arises, view it with skepticism, reminding yourself that delusion is present and there’s more to be seen. This helps you avoid the negative outcomes of aversion and move towards deeper understanding and love.
5. Investigate Aversion’s Causes
When aversion or anger arises, remind yourself that it’s not the final truth and commit to looking more deeply into its causes. This practice undercuts the certainty of aversion, leading to less reason for hatred and a deeper sense of love and understanding.
6. Honest Scrutiny of Anger’s Justifications
When justifying anger or aversion, pause and rigorously examine your mental ‘case,’ looking for missing information or premises that might weaken your justification. This prevents the mind from cobbling together a biased case for anger and instead moves towards care and understanding.
7. Suffuse Mind with Loving-Kindness
Incorporate high-dosage Metta (loving kindness) practice, repeating phrases like ‘may I be happy, may I be healthy’ while envisioning yourself and others. This practice helps suffuse the mind with warmth, foster acceptance, and remove subtle aversive judgment from your mindfulness practice.
8. Recognize Impersonal Nature of Thoughts
After accepting inner thoughts and feelings, practice seeing them as impersonal, not originating from a fixed ‘self’ but as a mysterious process driven by causes and conditions. This helps release responsibility and self-blame for inner chaos, leading to deeper self-forgiveness.
9. Depersonalize Pain, Seek Humility
In moments of intense suffering or when habits feel overpowering, strive to experience humility rather than humiliation by not taking the pain or habit personally. This prevents self-hatred, softens the heart, and consolidates motivation for practice, seeing it as an opportunity for deep self-compassion.
10. Tolerate Ethical Disorientation
When confronting moral incoherence or dissonance, tolerate the resulting disorientation and resist the urge for the ego to re-establish familiar ground. This tolerance is crucial for ethical evolution and growth, allowing for deeper commitment to meeting the world’s conditions.
11. Embrace Moral Incoherence as Catalyst
Consciously live with the awareness of moral incoherence (e.g., privileging personal comforts over global suffering) without immediately shutting down or rationalizing it. This awareness can catalyze significant action and ethical evolution, fostering a deeper commitment to the welfare of others.
12. Explore Effective Altruism
Explore the questions and principles of effective altruism, considering how they might deepen your commitment to the welfare of others. This can lure your heart into deeper commitment, potentially leading to more renunciation and care for others, and help understand compassion in a world with tractable suffering.
13. Embrace Gradual Practice Training
Engage in meditation and self-observation as a gradual, long-term training, understanding that skills and strength accumulate over time. This approach helps build resilience and prevents reactivity from becoming overwhelming, allowing for more skillful responses to suffering.
14. Cease Practice Self-Assessment
When meditating, avoid the compulsive tendency to constantly assess your progress or whether you’re ‘doing it right’ after each breath or moment. Instead, surrender to the practice itself, trusting that growth will be appreciated at a reasonable cadence, not moment-to-moment.
15. Practice Brahma Viharas for Anxiety
Attend live guided meditations or access recordings focusing on Brahma Viharas (loving kindness, compassion, equanimity, sympathetic joy). These practices are designed as an antidote to anxiety and can have psychological, physiological, and behavioral benefits.
16. Cultivate Life’s Completion
Explore the ‘many chambers of mind’ and cultivate love (for self, others, and widely) to foster a sense of completion in your life. This practice can diminish the fear of death by creating a feeling that life has been ’enough’ and whole.
17. Practice Unclenching Grasping
Actively practice letting go and ‘unclenching the fist of grasping’ in daily life, whether in meditation or other situations. This repeated practice prepares you for the ‘grand surrender of control of ownership’ that occurs at the end of life, making it feel more complete.
9 Key Quotes
The self that is hated is much more difficult to forget than the self that is loved.
Matthew Brensilver
Self-love is more akin to a deep understanding of oneself and a deep forgiveness for oneself and a deep appreciation, acceptance of our own limitations.
Matthew Brensilver
No, I may see a lot of habits. I may see my greed, my aversion. I may see delusion. But none of that actually becomes an argument for more self-harshness.
Matthew Brensilver
Anger can be initiatory, but not transformative.
Ruth King (quoted by Matthew Brensilver)
May it not be humiliating. For sure, it's humbling. It's necessary. That humbling quality of practice is quite important. But humility is different than humiliation.
Matthew Brensilver
I want to think of myself as a good person, but I don't really want to change my behavior. That is a bit of a jam.
Matthew Brensilver
How your retreat is going is none of your business.
Matthew Brensilver
Lord, make me chaste, but just not yet.
Matthew Brensilver
The legacy of love, it's about the only thing that matters from what I could see.
Matthew Brensilver