Why We're All Grieving - and How To Deal With It | David Kessler
Grief expert David Kessler discusses the many "flavors" of grief, including the collective loss of normalcy during the pandemic. He shares actionable insights on managing grief, such as naming emotions, allowing them to move, finding meaning, and connecting with others.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Introduction to Grief and Personal Background
Understanding the Varieties of Grief
Strategies for Handling Grief for Normalcy
The Importance of Physical Movement for Emotional Processing
Meditation and Connection in Grief
The Role of Online Grief Support Groups
Challenges of the Mental Health Infrastructure
The Five Stages of Grief (Kubler-Ross)
Applying Grief Stages to the Pandemic
The Power of Acceptance in Grief
Introducing the Sixth Stage of Grief: Finding Meaning
Personal Experience of Finding Meaning After Loss
Practical Ways to Find Meaning in the Pandemic
Post-Traumatic Growth from Collective Trauma
Addressing Complicated Grief During the Pandemic
The Role of Hope and Patience in Grieving
Validating All Forms of Grief
6 Key Concepts
Varieties of Grief
Grief is not solely about the death of a loved one; it encompasses losses like job termination, relationship endings, moving, and the collective loss of normalcy or a way of life. Naming this discomfort as grief helps people understand and process their feelings.
Feelings on Feelings (Second Arrow)
This concept describes the tendency to judge or comment on one's primary emotions (e.g., feeling sad about being sad, angry about being angry). This 'second arrow' of self-judgment creates unnecessary suffering, whereas simply feeling the initial emotion allows it to pass.
Emotions Need Motion
Emotions are not meant to be static or suppressed; they require movement and physical release to be processed. Engaging in physical activities like yoga, running, or even walking helps to rebalance oneself emotionally and prevent feelings from becoming 'stuck.'
The Five Stages of Grief
Described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and adapted by David Kessler, these stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are common experiences in grief but are not linear or a prescriptive map. They serve as a loose scaffolding to normalize what grievers might feel, allowing them to understand that their emotions are natural.
The Sixth Stage of Grief: Meaning
Introduced by David Kessler, this stage involves finding purpose or significance after a profound loss. It doesn't remove the pain but acts as a cushion, allowing individuals to live with their grief and honor the lost loved one or experience. Meaning emerges in one's own time and often through small, everyday moments.
Post-Traumatic Growth
This refers to the positive psychological changes that can occur after experiencing a highly stressful or traumatic event. While not negating the horror of the trauma, it signifies the ability to grow, learn, and find meaning, leading to a better world or a more resilient self.
9 Questions Answered
Grief can be experienced for many types of losses, including job loss, the end of a marriage, moving, or the collective loss of normalcy and security, such as during a pandemic.
The first step is to name and acknowledge that what you're feeling is grief, which helps in gaining some control. It's crucial to allow yourself to feel emotions like anger or sadness without judgment, as suppressing them consumes mental energy.
Emotions can become stuck when we suppress them or judge them rather than allowing them to flow. Engaging in physical movement, such as yoga, running, or walking, can help release these emotions and rebalance our emotional state.
Meditation helps individuals come into the present moment, finding safety and realizing that traumatic events have ended and future worries may not materialize. It allows for a different relationship with emotions, investigating them without fighting or feeding them.
It's important to find virtual ways to connect, such as FaceTime, video calls, or online support groups. Sharing stories and having one's pain witnessed by others, even virtually, is crucial for processing grief.
The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They are not a linear map or a set of rules, but rather a loose scaffolding that helps normalize the common experiences people go through, acknowledging that grief is unique to each individual.
The sixth stage is 'meaning,' which involves finding purpose or significance after a profound loss. It doesn't take away the pain but acts as a cushion, allowing individuals to live with their grief and honor the lost. It's a process that unfolds in one's own time, often after some acceptance has begun.
Finding meaning involves recognizing and appreciating small, meaningful moments, such as new community connections, shared acts of kindness, or simple family interactions. It's about focusing on post-traumatic growth and living a life that honors those lost.
Comparing griefs (e.g., minimizing someone's grief over a canceled wedding because others have lost loved ones) is unhelpful because grief is a 'no judgment zone.' Every individual's grief experience is valid and deserves to be acknowledged and felt, regardless of the specific loss.
26 Actionable Insights
1. Feel Your Emotions Fully
Allow yourself to fully feel emotions like sadness or anger without judgment, as suppressing them requires enormous mental energy and prevents them from passing through.
2. Name Your Grief
Acknowledge and name the specific type of grief you are experiencing (e.g., loss of normalcy) to gain understanding and a sense of control over your feelings.
3. Accept Current Reality
Accept your current circumstances to effectively deal with them, as freedom is found in reality.
4. Distinguish Control & Release
Practice identifying what is within your control and what is not, then focus your energy on what you can influence and release attachment to what you cannot.
5. Incorporate Physical Movement
Engage in physical activity like yoga, running, or walking to help process emotions and regain balance after a loss, as ’emotions need motion'.
6. Meditate to Process Emotions
Use meditation to tune into and investigate emotions without fighting or feeding them, allowing you to develop a different relationship with your feelings and find peace.
7. Focus on the Present Moment
Practice bringing yourself into the present moment, especially when dealing with trauma, to find safety and realize that the traumatic event has ended and future fears may not materialize.
8. Virtually Connect with Others
Actively seek virtual connections through video calls (FaceTime, Zoom) or phone calls to combat isolation and witness each other’s grief, especially during times of social distancing.
9. Engage in Deep Conversations
Use virtual or phone connections to engage in deeper conversations beyond small talk, discussing big, difficult emotions with trusted individuals or professionals to metabolize grief and foster growth.
10. Witness and Be Witnessed
Seek out opportunities for your grief and pain to be witnessed by others, and in turn, witness the grief of others, as this is a crucial part of the healing process.
11. Validate All Griefs
Avoid comparing griefs or minimizing others’ experiences; instead, validate all forms of grief and disappointment, recognizing that ‘grief is a no judgment zone’.
12. Allow Space for Grief
Create and allow space for yourself and others to grieve and feel whatever emotions arise, as acknowledging ‘what is’ is key to living through it.
13. Release Anger Healthily
Acknowledge anger as a natural emotion in grief and find safe, healthy ways to release it without harming yourself or others.
14. Join Online Grief Support
If experiencing grief, join online support groups (like the Facebook group mentioned at grief.com) to receive peer-to-peer support and connect with others who understand.
15. Support Others in Grief
If you have processed your own grief and are doing well, consider offering support to others in online groups or communities, practicing collective love and care.
16. Find Meaning in Mess
Actively seek to find meaning in challenging situations, as this can help manage grief and lead to post-traumatic growth.
17. Seek Meaning as a Cushion
Actively search for meaning in difficult experiences, as it can serve as a cushion to help cope with pain, even though it doesn’t eliminate the pain itself.
18. Allow Time for Meaning
Understand that finding meaning after a significant loss takes time and cannot be rushed; it’s a process that unfolds when you are ready.
19. Identify Small Meaningful Moments
Look for and name small, meaningful moments in your daily life (e.g., community connections, simple interactions) to foster post-traumatic growth.
20. Grow Bigger Than Grief
Instead of trying to shrink your pain or grief, focus on becoming ‘bigger’ yourself, expanding your capacity to hold and process the experience.
21. Limit Death’s Power
Refuse to let death destroy your love, relationships, or life after loss; instead, find your power to live a life that honors those who have died.
22. Work Towards Collective Meaning
Actively work towards creating a better world and finding collective meaning from shared tragedies, honoring those lost by striving for growth and positive change.
23. Create Virtual Community
Even when physically disconnected, actively work to create and participate in virtual communities to combat isolation and provide mutual support during grief.
24. Borrow Hope from Others
If you feel hopeless, allow others to hold hope for you until you can find it again, recognizing that your loss of hope is temporary.
25. Act on Acceptance
Once you reach a moment of acceptance, focus on what you can do to make the new reality work, finding power in what you can control.
26. Share Useful Content
If you find an episode or content particularly useful, share it with friends or on social media to help spread valuable information and reach more people.
10 Key Quotes
I often feel it is a profession that chooses you. You don't choose it.
David Kessler
Pain is mandatory. Suffering is optional.
David Kessler
My mind is like a bad neighborhood that I never want to go into alone.
David Kessler
Our emotions need motion.
David Kessler
Your grief is as unique as your fingerprint. There's no one way to grieve.
David Kessler
Freedom is found in reality.
David Kessler
Meaning doesn't take away the pain, but it becomes a cushion that we deal with to our pain.
David Kessler
There is no storm that doesn't end. There is no night that is not followed by a day. And we can grow from this.
David Kessler
The worst grief is your grief.
David Kessler
Grief is a no judgment zone.
David Kessler
1 Protocols
Processing Grief for Normalcy
David Kessler- Name the discomfort you're feeling as grief.
- Accept your current circumstances to deal with them.
- Allow yourself to feel your feelings (anger, sadness) without judgment or suppression.
- Engage in physical movement (yoga, running, walking) to allow emotions to get out.
- Practice meditation to find safety in the present moment and investigate emotions without fighting or feeding them.
- Connect virtually with trusted human beings (friends, family, professionals) to talk about your feelings and have your grief witnessed.