You Should Be Taking More Risks. Here's How To Get Over Your Fear And Do It. | Sue Ashford
Professor Sue Ashford from the University of Michigan introduces "flexing" – a framework for small daily experiments to overcome perfectionism, boost confidence, and enhance effectiveness. She discusses shifting from a performance to a learning mindset, the importance of feedback, re-storying, and savoring successes.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Flexing and Overcoming Perfectionism
Defining Flexing: Flexible Growth Missions
Why People Resist Growth: Fear and Anxiety
Performance Mindset vs. Learning Mindset
How a Learning Mindset Reduces Anxiety and Boosts Confidence
Strategies for Shifting to a Growth Mindset
The Role of Self-Compassion in Personal Growth
Identifying Your Growth Focus: Pain or Future Fantasies
Unleashing Your Inner Scientist: Experimentation for Growth
Overcoming Challenges in Seeking and Receiving Feedback
The Importance of Diverse Feedback and Reflection
Managing Emotions for Effective Learning and Growth
Re-storying Negative Narratives and Savoring Successes
Strategies for Remembering Your Growth Experiments
Insights from Teaching Interpersonal Behavior
The Value of Interpersonal Effectiveness for Success
7 Key Concepts
Flexing
Flexing is a system of flexible growth, allowing individuals to approach personal and professional development in a way that integrates into their existing lives. It involves setting growth goals, trying different experimental approaches to achieve them, and being open to feedback to pivot and adapt.
Performance Mindset
This mindset, described by Carol Dweck, is rooted in the belief that one's abilities are fixed. Individuals with a performance mindset aim to prove their existing capabilities, avoid challenges that might expose perceived weaknesses, and are often tense and fearful about potential failures.
Learning Mindset
Also from Carol Dweck, this mindset believes that abilities can be grown and developed. People with a learning mindset are more willing to take on challenges, experiment, and are open to feedback, viewing setbacks as opportunities for growth rather than proof of inadequacy. This mindset fosters greater confidence and reduces anxiety.
Re-storying
Re-storying is the practice of consciously changing the narrative you tell yourself about a situation, especially when the true facts are uncertain. By reframing a potentially negative or anxiety-inducing interpretation into a more neutral or even positive one, it helps manage emotions and improve performance, even if the new story isn't definitively true.
Savoring
Savoring involves intentionally taking time to appreciate and fully experience successes and positive outcomes. This practice, drawn from positive psychology, helps individuals feel more empowered, hopeful, and self-confident by counteracting the tendency to overlook achievements and solely focus on what went wrong.
Implementation Intentions
Implementation intentions are specific, pre-planned commitments about when and how one will act to achieve a goal. Instead of just stating a goal, it involves setting an 'if-then' plan (e.g., 'if my alarm goes off, then I will stand up and go to the gym'), making it much more likely for people to follow through on their desired behaviors.
Assumptions, Perceptions, Feelings (APF)
This framework suggests that our underlying assumptions about a situation drive our perceptions of it, which in turn influence our feelings. Recognizing this connection can help individuals understand why they feel a certain way and prompt them to question their initial assumptions or perceptions, allowing for re-storying and better emotional management.
13 Questions Answered
Flexing refers to a flexible system of growth where individuals can pick up and put down growth missions as needed, integrating them into their existing lives, and experimenting with various approaches to achieve their goals.
People resist growth primarily due to fear and anxiety, as growth involves risk to one's ego, interpersonal relationships, and the comfort of staying with what is known rather than venturing into the unknown where failure might occur.
A performance mindset views ability as fixed and focuses on proving what one already has, leading to tension and avoidance of challenges, whereas a learning mindset believes ability can grow, fostering empowerment, openness to experimentation, and learning from all experiences.
Yes, a growth mindset reduces anxiety by instilling confidence that one can handle whatever challenges or setbacks may arise, knowing they can recover and learn from them, unlike a brittle performance-proof mindset that fears failure.
Shifting mindsets involves becoming aware of one's inner chatter and its costs, then asking oneself questions that open up possibilities, such as using the word 'yet' (e.g., 'I'm not perfect yet') or focusing on one's ultimate objective beyond self-proof.
Self-compassion helps individuals stay in a learning mindset by allowing them to acknowledge mistakes without self-berating, fostering a willingness to take risks and learn. It is not complacency; it's about treating oneself with the understanding and encouragement of a good coach.
Growth areas are typically triggered by either 'pain of the present' (something causing personal or interpersonal distress) or 'fantasies of the future' (a vision of a desired future self or role model to emulate).
People struggle to ask for feedback due to fear of negative messages, concerns about appearing insecure or unconfident, and worry that they might not be able to change or that things could worsen if they acknowledge a problem.
The feedback fallacy is the mistaken belief that asking for feedback makes one look weak or insecure; in reality, research shows it creates a positive impression, signaling care and commitment to others.
To get better feedback, tailor your request by stating what you're working on (e.g., 'I'm working on being more approachable, how do you think I'm doing?') and consider asking for 'advice' rather than 'feedback,' as studies show it yields more usable information.
Reflection is crucial because experiences are just happenings; true learning occurs when one pauses to give thought to what happened, synthesizing their role, feelings, and triggers to gain self-understanding and identify areas for improvement.
Emotions like defensiveness, anxiety, shame, or embarrassment can block self-understanding and learning by preventing individuals from hearing feedback, trying new experiments, or reflecting fully, instead allowing emotions to control their reactions.
Implementation intentions are specific 'if-then' plans (e.g., 'If X happens, then I will do Y') that help individuals follow through on their goals by pre-committing to actions in response to specific cues, making it easier to remember and execute desired behaviors.
24 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace a Learning Mindset
View your abilities as something that can be grown, which fosters a looser, more empowered approach to experiences, making you more willing to experiment, open to feedback, and ultimately more confident and successful, especially when facing challenges.
2. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Approach your challenges and mistakes with self-compassion, treating yourself like a good coach would, acknowledging errors without self-beratement. This helps you stay in a learning mindset and empowers you to take more risks and grow.
3. Monitor Your Inner Dialogue
Become aware of your internal self-talk and the stories you tell yourself, especially when striving for perfection, and recognize the emotional and productivity costs these thoughts inflict.
4. Adopt a Flexible Growth Mindset
Approach personal and professional growth by integrating small, daily experiments into your existing life, trying different things, being open to feedback, and pivoting as needed. This allows you to pick up and put down growth efforts as needed and be experimental in achieving your goals.
5. Conduct Small Experiments
To foster growth, act like an ‘inner scientist’ by trying out two or three new behaviors or approaches related to your goal, and then observe what happens.
6. Engage in Deliberate Reflection
Dedicate time to reflect on your experiences, asking structured questions about what happened, your role, your feelings, and what triggered your reactions, as learning truly comes from reflecting on experience, not just having it.
7. Actively Manage Your Emotions
Recognize and manage emotions like defensiveness, anxiety, shame, or embarrassment, as they can hinder your ability to hear feedback, learn from experiences, and be brave enough to experiment.
8. Proactively Seek Specific Feedback
Overcome the ‘feedback fallacy’ by asking for feedback in a tailored way (e.g., ‘I’m working on X, how am I doing?’) or by asking for advice (e.g., ‘I need some advice’). This makes a positive impression and yields more usable information.
9. Use ‘Yet’ to Shift Mindset
When you find yourself in a performance-proof mindset, use the word ‘yet’ (e.g., ‘I’m not good at this yet’) to mentally shift towards a learning mindset, acknowledging that abilities can be developed over time.
10. Shift Focus to Others’ Needs
To become more effective and creative, shift your ultimate objective from being self-centered (‘it’s all about me’) to focusing on what you want others to gain or walk away with (‘it’s all about them’).
11. Identify Your Growth Triggers
Determine your motivation for growth by recognizing either ‘pain of the present’ (something causing you or others pain) or ‘fantasies of the future’ (a desired future self or role model to emulate).
12. Weave Growth into Daily Activities
Instead of adding new programs, integrate growth efforts into your existing daily experiences by adding a ‘second thread’ of awareness focused on what you can learn or improve about yourself in that situation.
13. Reframe Negative Stories
When faced with unexpected or challenging situations, re-story the narrative you tell yourself in your head to a more positive or neutral one, especially when the truth is unknown, to prevent unhelpful emotions and improve performance.
14. Savor Your Successes
Make a conscious effort to savor and appreciate things that went well and your successes, as this practice empowers you, increases hope for the future, and builds self-confidence.
15. Use Implementation Intentions
To overcome forgetting, create specific ‘if-then’ plans or visible reminders (like changing a contact name to your goal) that link a cue to the desired action, making you much more likely to follow through on your growth experiments.
16. Adopt a Reflection Practice
Implement efficient reflection methods such as asking structured questions after team activities, daily journaling for 20 minutes, or engaging in a reciprocal questioning routine with a friend to process experiences and foster self-understanding.
17. Gather Diverse Feedback
Actively seek feedback from a variety of people, especially those from different backgrounds, to gain a broader and more comprehensive understanding of how your actions are perceived.
18. Analyze Interpersonal Dynamics (APF)
Use the ‘Assumptions, Perceptions, Feelings’ (APF) framework to understand interpersonal interactions: recognize how your assumptions drive your perceptions, which then lead to your feelings. Use strong feelings as a signal to re-evaluate your underlying assumptions and perceptions.
19. Practice Giving and Receiving Balanced Feedback
Engage in structured feedback exercises, like ‘flowers and onions’ (giving one positive and one constructive piece of feedback), to develop skills in both providing and receiving critical interpersonal insights.
20. Practice Mindful Engagement in Experiences
Be more present and aware in your daily experiences, focusing on how you show up and where you want to grow, as learning from experience depends on your active engagement and reflection within it.
21. Shift Leadership Focus to Others
For aspiring leaders, recognize that a key transition to great leadership involves shifting your focus from self-centered goals (‘it’s all about me’) to prioritizing the needs and development of those you lead (‘it’s all about them’).
22. Invest in Self-Understanding as a Leader
View yourself as the primary ‘instrument’ through which you lead, and commit to paying attention to and understanding yourself (your emotions, assumptions, behaviors) to become a more effective leader.
23. Recognize Fear as a Growth Barrier
Understand that fear and anxiety are common reasons people avoid growth and experimentation, as growth involves risks to ego and relationships. Acknowledge this fear to begin addressing it.
24. Ask Reflective Questions
When things don’t go well, ask yourself questions like ‘What possibilities were there that I wasn’t seeing?’ to shift into a growth mindset and foster openness.
7 Key Quotes
Growth involves risk. It involves risk to your ego. It involves risk to your interpersonal relationships.
Sue Ashford
A performance-proof mindset is a very tense, structured, stiff, fearful mindset. And a learning mindset is a little looser. You feel a little more empowered because you know whatever comes your way, you're going to grow and learn from it, get better over time.
Sue Ashford
A self-compassionate approach is not about letting yourself off the hook. It's about talking to yourself the way a good coach would talk to you. You can acknowledge errors. You're just not a jerk about it.
Dan Harris
People saw it more as a sign that you cared, not that you're insecure, but you care about what we're trying to achieve enough to ask for feedback.
Sue Ashford
You don't learn from experience. You learn from your reflection on experience, that experiences are just like happenings. They're not really experiences until we've sort of given them some thought and synthesized what happened in that experience.
Sue Ashford
Our emotions get in the way of our learning about ourselves, our self-understanding. If I'm defensive, I'm not hearing the message.
Sue Ashford
Poets write that we stay busy, busy, busy, busy, so we don't ever have to explore that world within. You know, we stay well away from it.
Sue Ashford
3 Protocols
Simon's Approachability Experiment
Sue Ashford- Get to meetings on time, arriving early.
- Greet everyone when they come in.
- Sit on the side of the table, not at the end (power position).
- Smile more, especially to counteract a somber resting face.
Team Reflection Questions
Sue Ashford- What went well?
- What didn't go well?
- Where do we need to improve?
- What do we want to continue?
Superintendent's 'Listen' Reminder
Sue Ashford- Identify a person with whom you struggle to listen effectively.
- Change their name in your cellular phone contacts to 'Listen!' (or a similar reminder).
- Every time they call, the changed name serves as a prompt to practice open listening.
- Once the listening habit is established and the relationship improves, change the name back.