Your Inner Critic Won't Stop Adding Rules. Here's The Fix. | Julian Shapiro-Barnum
Julian Shapiro-Barnum, creator of Recess Therapy, discusses how adults can learn from children to handle anger, rejection, and uptightness. He shares insights on embracing playfulness, processing emotions, breaking self-imposed rules, and fostering authentic connections.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Introduction to Julian Shapiro-Barnum and Recess Therapy
The Origin Story of Recess Therapy During COVID
Recess Therapy's Unique Approach to Kids' Wisdom
The Simplicity of Children's Perspectives
Julian's Unconventional Childhood and Interview Style
The Power of Processing Emotions Like Kids
Breaking Self-Imposed Rules and Redefining Self
Normalizing Rejection and Vulnerability
Connecting with Your 'Proto Self'
Social Media's Impact on Authenticity
Entertainment Recommendations: What's Good
Julian's Other Digital Projects and Closing
4 Key Concepts
Childish Energy
Bringing the positive aspects of childhood, such as playfulness, imagination, and direct emotional processing, into adult life to enhance happiness and well-being.
Inner Grown-Up
The self-imposed internal voice or set of rules that adults develop, which often limits their identity and actions, potentially leading to uptightness and unhappiness.
Proto Self
The authentic, unburdened childhood self, containing potent philosophies and actions that remain within an adult, accessible through conscious effort and practice.
First, Second, Third Circle (Acting)
An acting concept where First Circle is too internal, Third Circle is overly performative, and Second Circle represents the ideal balance of honesty, truthfulness, and genuine connection.
7 Questions Answered
Recess Therapy aims to help adults become better by honoring and exploring the wisdom of kids, focusing on what adults can learn from children rather than just finding them adorable or witty.
Kids simplify complex issues by stripping away nuance and looking at the essence of things, which provides relief and beauty in its simplicity compared to adults who over-intellectualize.
Children feel their emotions immediately and in real-time, allowing them to pass naturally and quickly, whereas adults tend to hold onto and control their feelings, making them linger longer.
Adults can overcome self-imposed limitations by consciously breaking small, self-defined rules, starting with minor impulses like touching interesting textures, which can snowball into bigger changes and redefine their identity.
Adults can normalize rejection by adopting a child-like willingness to put themselves out there and ask for connection directly, understanding that being comfortable with 'no' opens up more opportunities.
Adults can form new friendships by seeking out spaces or activities where they share a common identity or purpose with others, which naturally breaks down social barriers and provides immediate conversation starters.
Julian prefers 'childish' because it feels accessible and casual, suggesting that these qualities are close to the surface, whereas 'inner child' often implies something deep within, hard to connect with, or even wounded.
11 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Playfulness
Combat a ‘heads down, grind through it’ mode by consciously adopting a playful or childish mindset, which serves as an antidote to feeling militaristic and mirthless.
2. Simplify Complex Issues
Learn from children to strip away excessive nuance and over-intellectualization, finding relief and clarity in the essence of a problem rather than thinking it to death.
3. Observe Childish Behavior
Pay attention to how children problem-solve, play, use imagination, and make friends, as their holistic actions often provide more profound lessons than their spoken words.
4. Process Emotions Immediately
Allow feelings to be felt immediately and in real-time, like children do, to prevent them from lingering and sticking with you for extended periods, enabling them to pass naturally.
5. Process Feelings Alone
When upset, sit with the emotion in isolation rather than rehashing it with others or seeking opinions, as this can be more productive in allowing the feeling to pass naturally.
6. Challenge Inner Rules
Actively break small, self-imposed rules to test boundaries, redefine identity, and prevent an ‘inner adult’ from overly limiting your actions and potential, fostering self-definition.
7. Act on Small Impulses
Begin by acting on small, often suppressed tactile impulses, like touching interesting textures, to build comfort in breaking self-imposed rules and snowball into bigger behavioral changes.
8. Embrace Rejection
Adopt a child-like comfort with rejection by putting yourself out there more, as this vulnerability opens doors to more opportunities and allows you to bounce back faster.
9. Share Your Full Self
Be forthcoming and share your entire being quickly when meeting new people, rather than curating a ‘right’ version, to foster cleaner, healthier, and faster friendships.
10. Seek Shared Identity Spaces
To overcome the fear of rejection and meet new people, join groups or activities where you share a common identity or purpose, allowing social barriers to naturally break down.
11. Test Vulnerability Selectively
Overcome the fear of rejection by practicing selective vulnerability, choosing one small, real piece of yourself to share to test reactions and build trust.
5 Key Quotes
Even bosses cry. You need someone to lean on even if you're an adult. It's okay to be scared and show it. So I guess really probably stick with your friends and family because they're who will be with you until the end. And if you're ever feeling sad, find someone to lean on. Even if you're an adult and you think adults aren't supposed to have strong feelings, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's a stereotype. Adults can cry too.
Sloan (eight-year-old)
I think most of it is just fun and goofy. Yes. I, I never, I don't think kids are philosophers by any stretch of the imagination. Most of what I do with kids is long form improv comedy.
Julian Shapiro-Barnum
The whole purpose of the book was that I had been doing all these interviews for years. And at a certain point I started to feel like the interviews weren't showing the entire picture of what I was learning. ... a lot of the times what I'm learning from the kids is more, I'm seeing it in the way that they move and act in the world.
Julian Shapiro-Barnum
I think the half life of anger or something like that is a minute or two. But if, if you're not processing it and you're essentially just chewing on it and ruminating and re-upping it, it can last a lifetime.
Dan Harris
I think being a more authentic version of yourself takes comfortability with yourself and a trust that the real you isn't going to be rejected.
Julian Shapiro-Barnum