Academic group think, free speech norms, and the psychology of time (with Anne Wilson)
1. Thoughts Shape Emotions
Understand that your thoughts create all of your emotions. By actively changing your distorted thoughts, you can fundamentally alter how you feel.
2. Lead with Empathy
When someone is upset, always start by empathizing with their feelings and validating their experience. This builds trust and rapport, preventing them from feeling invalidated.
3. Reframe Negative Emotions Positively
Instead of dismissing negative feelings like sadness, anger, or anxiety, explore what they reveal about your core values and how they might be helpful. This honors your feelings and opens the door for change.
4. Set Realistic Emotional Goals
After positive reframing, decide on a healthy, reduced level (e.g., 10-15% instead of 100%) you want to feel for each negative emotion. This acknowledges the value of emotions while setting achievable reduction targets.
5. Externalize & Defeat Negative Self
Imagine your negative thoughts as a separate ’negative self’ and engage in a dialogue where your ‘positive self’ actively defeats these attacks. This technique helps you practice crushing negative thoughts and build resilience.
6. Anticipate and Prepare for Relapse
Recognize that relapses in negative feelings are inevitable. When you are feeling good, anticipate common relapse thoughts and proactively practice crushing them by identifying their distortions.
7. Record Relapse Counter-Arguments
Record your successful counter-arguments to common relapse thoughts on your phone. This provides a readily available tool to listen to and use when you inevitably experience a setback.
8. Recognize Thinking Errors
Actively learn to identify common cognitive distortions (e.g., mental filtering, emotional reasoning, all-or-nothing thinking, self-blame) in your negative thoughts. This awareness is the first step to challenging them.
9. Actively Challenge Distortions
Once you identify a distorted negative thought, actively work to prove to yourself that it is not valid. This process helps to ‘smash’ the thought and reduce its power over your emotions.
10. Apply Double Standard Technique
When you find yourself being self-critical, ask yourself if you would say the same harsh things to a friend or someone else in a similar situation. This highlights self-cruelty and promotes self-compassion.
11. Uncover Deeper Beliefs
When a negative thought arises, use the ‘downward arrow technique’ by repeatedly asking, ‘If that were true, what would that mean to you? Why is that upsetting?’ to uncover the deeper core beliefs and values driving the initial thought.
12. Embrace Acceptance Paradox
When challenging negative thoughts, accept a small, realistic part of the criticism (e.g., ‘I will make mistakes’) while still dismissing the overall negative thought. This makes your counter-arguments more robust and less defensive.
13. Confront Fears Directly
For anxiety and phobias, collaboratively and gradually confront the feared situations or objects directly, rather than avoiding them. This helps to overcome avoidance and demonstrates that feared outcomes are manageable.
14. Measure Therapeutic Progress
If you are a therapist, use brief mood surveys and patient feedback scales (empathy, helpfulness) at the start and end of every session. This provides immediate data to identify and correct therapeutic errors, rapidly developing your skill.
15. Deliberate Empathy Practice
For therapists, rigorously practice empathy techniques (e.g., disarming, thought empathy, feeling empathy, inquiry, I-feel statements) through role-reversals and receive immediate feedback. This challenging practice builds strong rapport and trust with patients.
16. Disarm Criticism with Agreement
When faced with hostile criticism, find truth in what the other person says, even if it seems unfair or exaggerated, and genuinely agree with it. This paradoxical technique can instantly de-escalate conflict and build connection.
17. Embrace Joyous Failure
Be willing to check your ego at the door and fail in front of others when learning new skills or techniques. This humility and willingness to expose weaknesses allows for tremendous growth and learning.
18. Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and compassion, especially when you make mistakes or feel down. Avoid self-blame, as it is a common cognitive distortion.
19. Transform Relationship Conflicts
View conflicts or ‘raw spots’ in relationships not as threats, but as potential opportunities to grow closer and strengthen the bond. Open communication about these issues can lead to deeper connection.
20. Don’t Let Fear Control You
Make a conscious effort to not let fear hold you back from doing something valuable or worthwhile. Distinguish between rational dangers and irrational anxieties that prevent personal growth.
21. Complete Therapy Homework
As a patient, diligently complete homework assignments provided between therapy sessions. This practice reinforces new skills and strategies, accelerating your progress and recovery.
22. Exercise for Health, Not Mood
Engage in physical exercise for its proven physical health benefits, but do not rely on it to directly boost your mood or cure depression. Its mood-enhancing effects are primarily placebo-driven, not physiological.