Common body language mistakes and how to avoid making them (with Blake Eastman)

1. Align Behavior to Desired Perception

Define how you want to be perceived in social interactions, then consciously align your behaviors, thought processes, and perspectives to create that desired social reality. This empowers you to actively shape your social impact.

2. Focus on Perceived Reality

Prioritize understanding how your behavior is perceived by others, rather than solely on your internal intent, because perception often dictates social reality. This awareness is crucial for effective social navigation and adjustment.

3. Challenge Your Own Perspectives

Regularly explore the origins of your perspectives and beliefs, as many are formed unconsciously from upbringing or culture rather than purely rational analysis. This helps uncover biases and fosters a more nuanced understanding of the world and others.

4. Re-evaluate Self-Limiting Labels

Re-evaluate rigid self-labels like “introvert” or “extrovert,” as they can become self-fulfilling prophecies and limit your social potential. Instead of attributing social difficulties to a label, investigate underlying causes like cognitive processing issues or situational discomfort.

5. Display Social Coordination Cues

Actively show social coordination cues (e.g., nodding, smiling, leaning in, asking specific questions) in team settings, especially on Zoom, to signal you are listening and engaged. A lack of facial reactivity can cause friction and be perceived as disinterest.

6. Detect Masked Behavior

Pay attention when people try to mask or change their behavior to fit a desired perception, as overcompensation (e.g., excessive smiling/laughing or extreme stillness) can reveal underlying attempts to conceal. This helps in understanding deeper social dynamics and true intentions.

7. Build Friendships with Mutuality

To build new friendships, aim for a mutual level of social display (avoiding status games) and initiate deeper conversations quickly, mimicking the type of interactions you have with your closest friends. This fosters a sense of closeness and familiarity.

8. Cultivate Charisma via Variability

To appear more charismatic in American society, cultivate variability in your speech (tonality, cadence) and behavioral patterns (facial animation, gaze direction). This makes your communication more engaging and interesting to others.

9. Embrace Not Caring About Status

Cultivate a genuine sense of not caring about external validation or playing status games, as this authenticity and self-possession can be perceived as the highest form of social status. This allows for freeness in behavior regardless of the social context.

10. Contextualize Status Signaling

When signaling status, first “read the room” to understand what values and signals are genuinely respected in that specific social context. Aim for nuanced, less overt displays to avoid appearing as if you’re merely trying to impress.

11. Understand Contextualizers vs. Literals

Recognize that people interpret social cues differently, some as “contextualizers” (creating narratives) and others as “literals” (taking things at face value). Adjust your communication style based on who you’re interacting with to avoid misunderstandings.

12. Address Behavioral Blind Spots

Become aware of your own “behavioral blind spots,” where your intended display (e.g., intense listening) might be misread by others (e.g., anger or frustration). Seek feedback or use video to align your displayed behavior with your desired perception.

13. Overcome Not Listening Perception

If you’re taking notes or using multiple screens during a virtual meeting, make an effort to periodically re-engage with the camera or verbally confirm your attention. This counteracts the perception of not listening and ensures your active engagement is recognized.

14. Manage Gaze Direction

When speaking, allow for natural breaks in eye contact, as constant direct gaze can be perceived as unusual or creepy. When listening, maintain more consistent eye contact to signal engagement, but be aware that some individuals may look away to process information.

15. Take Responsibility for Gaze

If you need to break eye contact to process information or due to discomfort, communicate this to the other person to prevent misinterpretation. Taking responsibility for managing how your gaze is perceived fosters clearer communication.

16. Recognize Discomfort Signals

Be aware of rapid shifts in gaze, very quick or sharp facial displays (like a rapid smile), and a low blink rate in yourself and others, as these can signal discomfort and be off-putting in social interactions. Aim for smoother, more natural movements.

17. Avoid Awkward Smiles

When trying to adjust your facial expressions, such as smiling more, focus on integrating natural-looking movements that align with your overall behavior rather than forcing a generic smile. A forced smile can be perceived as awkward or creepy.

18. Smile for Social Coordination

Use smiling as a tool for social coordination and to signal non-threat, as it can be universally perceived as an indication of approachability. Be aware that context and other facial movements can alter its interpretation.

19. Read Poker Tells Individually

When trying to read “tells” in poker, focus on individual player patterns and context rather than universal heuristics, as physiological responses and behaviors are highly variable between players. This increases the accuracy of your reads.

20. Observe Card Apex in Poker

In poker, observe how long opponents look at their cards; a shorter gaze often indicates a very strong or very weak hand (representing confidence), while a longer gaze suggests a marginal or uncertain hand. This provides insight into their hand strength.

21. Note Card Rechecks in Poker

Pay attention to opponents rechecking their cards in poker; rechecking often indicates a marginal hand that they might have forgotten, whereas strong hands are easily remembered. This can signal uncertainty in their hand.

22. Concealment Effort is a Tell

Look for the effort an opponent puts into concealing their behavior (e.g., hyper-stillness) rather than just the behavior itself, as this dedication to masking can be a tell. This indicates they are working harder to hide their true intentions.

23. Contextualize Zoom Actions

On Zoom, if you’re doing something that might be misinterpreted (e.g., looking at a second screen for notes), verbally state your context to prevent others from creating their own potentially negative narratives about your engagement.

24. View High-Status People Normally

To foster genuine interactions with high-status individuals, consciously view them as regular people rather than focusing on their status. This can help negate feelings of deference or intimidation and lead to more authentic conversations.

25. Respond Literally to Trolls

When encountering “trollish” or negative comments, respond by taking them at face value as literal statements of belief, rather than reacting emotionally. This approach can de-escalate the situation and demonstrate you are not easily rattled.

26. Respond to Mean Emails Empathically

When receiving an unexpectedly mean or out-of-character message, respond with empathy by pointing out their unusual behavior and asking if everything is okay. This often elicits an apology and reveals underlying personal struggles.

27. Monitor Vocal Cues for Health

Pay close attention to subtle shifts in vocal patterns (pitch, cadence, quality) in yourself and others, as these can be early indicators of significant changes in mental or physical well-being, such as the effects of medication or emotional states.

28. Social Interactions: Moving Puzzle

Approach social interactions as a dynamic, multifaceted puzzle, recognizing that behavior is highly contextual and influenced by numerous factors (e.g., sleep, personal state, environment). This nuanced understanding allows for more effective navigation and prediction of behavior.

29. Anxiety as Study Catalyst

If you experience social anxiety or discomfort, channel that heightened sensitivity into a deliberate study of social cues and interactions. This can transform a personal challenge into a unique strength for understanding human behavior.