Communicating what you really mean (with Misha Glouberman)

Jun 15, 2022 1h 7m 9 insights Episode Page ↗
Spencer Greenberg speaks with Misha Globerman about improving communication by emphasizing active listening, transparency, and relinquishing control in conversations. They also discuss the unexpected positive aspects of divorce, including personal growth and increased self-awareness.
Actionable Insights

1. Prioritize Active Listening

Actively listen to others, especially in high-stakes situations, by truly trying to understand their point of view, even if you disagree or are trying to persuade them. This serves your own interests by providing valuable information about the other person’s beliefs and agency.

2. Be Transparent, Say the Thing

In difficult conversations, clearly articulate what needs to be said, including your feelings, interpretations, and the facts of the situation, rather than hinting or watering down your message. Avoiding short-term awkwardness by not speaking up often leads to greater long-term problems and distance in relationships.

3. Relinquish Control in Conversations

Approach conversations with the understanding that the other person has their own beliefs and agency, rather than trying to control the entire situation or force your way. Paradoxically, loosening your control leads to better outcomes because pushing people often makes them push back.

4. Distinguish Facts from Judgments

Practice separating empirical facts from your interpretations, values, and feelings in conversations, as they are different types of claims. This helps you avoid conflating them and enables more curious and effective communication.

5. Uncover the Other Person’s Story

Before making requests or assumptions, ask open-ended questions to understand the other person’s perspective and the “story” they are living. You need both stories present to resolve a situation effectively, as your own narrative is often incomplete.

6. Challenge Naive Realism Bias

Actively combat the tendency to believe your worldview is completely accurate and that others’ differing views stem from their deficiencies. Remind yourself that you are not the protagonist in everyone’s story and that your deeply held beliefs are likely wrong about some things.

7. Address Imbalanced Friendships

If a friendship feels imbalanced, identify exactly what you want from the relationship and communicate it transparently, while reassuring them you don’t want them to feel guilty. Frame it as your feeling about the dynamic, not a judgment on them, and be curious about their perspective.

8. Evaluate Relationship Risk Aversion

When deciding whether to have a difficult conversation, recognize that both raising and not raising an issue carry risks to the relationship. Overcome the bias to avoid near-term pain by considering the long-term benefits of honesty and the potential for resentment if issues are left unaddressed.

9. Embrace Vulnerability for Growth

View major life challenges, like divorce, as intense opportunities for personal growth and increased self-awareness. These experiences can force you to confront vulnerability and redefine your identity, leading to a sense of “possibility” and accelerated personal development.