Communities of belief vs. communities of chemistry (with Tyler Alterman)

1. Host More Events

Actively host more social gatherings to build your network before you need it, improve social skills, practice public speaking, enhance dating and relationships, and maintain friendships.

2. Be Interesting by Hosting

The most accessible way to be interesting and meet interesting people is to host well-run events, as the bar for a good meetup or happy hour is low, allowing you to add immediate value by connecting people.

3. Add Value Before Asking

In networking, prioritize adding value to others before ever asking something from them, as this builds genuine connections and makes people more receptive to your requests.

4. Balance Structure & Unstructured Time

Design events using a ‘compress and release’ method, alternating between structured activities (compression) and unstructured social time (release) to manage energy and build anticipation for conversation.

5. Host Two-Hour Events

Advocate for two-hour social gatherings with clearly stated start and end times to compress the initial awkward zone into a manageable 10-20 minutes and prevent the party from dwindling.

6. Use Online RSVP Platforms

Utilize free online RSVP platforms like Mixely, Partyful, or Luma, especially as a new host, to gain confidence by knowing who will attend and to provide social proof for guests.

7. Implement Double Opt-In Invitations

When inviting guests, first ask, “May I send you the info?” before sending full event details and an RSVP link; this makes the initial ask lighter and allows for easier mass messaging and reminders.

8. Gauge Core Group Interest First

For new hosts, send initial invites to 5-10 close friends asking, “If I host, would you come?” to ensure a core group will attend, reducing anxiety and guaranteeing a good time.

9. Leverage Core Group as Social Proof

Once your core group commits, have them RSVP publicly to provide social proof, which builds your confidence and encourages a wider circle of acquaintances to attend.

10. Provide a Loose Event Agenda

Communicate a general idea of what to expect throughout the event’s duration, even if you don’t strictly adhere to it, to encourage timely arrival and prevent guests from missing key parts.

11. End Parties on a High Note

Aim to end your party when things are going well, rather than letting it fizzle out, to leave guests with a positive memory and increase their likelihood of returning to future events.

12. Manage Party Ending with Clear Signals

Set expectations for the end time, make a ’last call’ 15 minutes prior, and make a thank-you announcement at the scheduled end time (turning up lights, lowering music) to give guests permission to leave and allow for final connections.

13. Send Multiple Reminder Messages

Send three reminder messages: one a week before, another 3-4 days before, and a final one the morning of the event, to keep it top-of-mind, provide logistics, and build anticipation.

14. Use Name Tags for Mixed Groups

Always use name tags at social events where not everyone knows each other, as they act as a visual unifier, signal that meeting new people is encouraged, help remember names, and promote inclusivity.

15. Proactively Make Introductions

As a host, actively create introductions between guests, especially when mixing different friend groups, as this is a key role of the host to help people connect.

16. Use Small Group Introductions

Instead of large group icebreakers, put people into smaller groups (3-5 people) at the beginning of the gathering to create stronger connections and provide an easier ramp-up for social interaction.

17. Design for Guest Speaking Time

Structure events to maximize the amount of time guests get to speak themselves, as their happiness with an event is nearly directly correlated to their participation.

18. Use ‘Green Level’ Icebreakers Early

Start with easy, non-judgmental ‘green level’ icebreaker questions (e.g., favorite breakfast) to get people talking easily, reveal personality, and avoid causing anxiety or overthinking.

19. Use ‘Value-Additive’ Icebreakers Later

Towards the end of an event, use ‘value-additive’ icebreakers (e.g., favorite secret spot in the city, great piece of media consumed recently) where everyone’s answer provides new ideas and leaves guests feeling energized.

20. Use Interest-Revealing Icebreakers

Incorporate icebreakers that reveal shared interests, such as “What’s a topic you could talk about for hours?”, to help guests identify specific people they’d like to connect with further.

21. Host Goes First & Directs Intros

When facilitating introductions, the host should always go first to model the desired behavior and then clearly direct the flow (e.g., “Can I go to you next?”) to reduce guest anxiety.

22. Physically Move Guests

As a host, encourage movement by physically directing groups to different parts of the room for activities or by gently guiding individuals to new conversation groups to break up bottlenecks and encourage mingling.

23. Assign Small Duties to Guests

Give arriving guests small duties (e.g., bar, coat check, high-fives) to provide them with immediate waypoints and interactions, making them feel integrated and less awkward.

24. Personally Introduce New Arrivals

Actively walk new guests to existing groups and introduce them, asking the group to make them feel welcome, to prevent them from standing awkwardly alone.

25. Create ‘Quest Cards’ for Introductions

Prepare cards for guests upon arrival, each suggesting one or more specific people they might enjoy meeting, to provide a fun quest and facilitate targeted connections.

26. Send Thank-You Follow-Up with Photo

Send a follow-up thank-you message the morning after the event, including a group photo, to express gratitude and provide a memorable keepsake.

27. Collect & Share Guest Bios

Before the event, collect guest bios (name, socials, 1-2 sentences about them) from half or more attendees and share them in reminder messages to build anticipation and provide conversation starters.

28. Facilitate ‘24-Hour Reply-All Thread’ (Advanced)

For advanced hosts, set up a ‘24-hour reply-all thread’ after the event, where guests can share links to their projects, media, or events, but ensure proper in-party facilitation to ensure participation and manage expectations.

29. Ask to Add Acquaintances to Event List

When you meet someone you gel with, ask if you can add them to your event invitation list; this is a low-commitment, scalable way to maintain ‘weak ties’ and keep them in your orbit.

30. Send Annual Personal Newsletter

Consider sending an annual or quarterly personal newsletter (even via BCC) to friends and acquaintances, providing updates on your life and adding value by sharing interesting media or ideas, rather than just a diary.

31. Offer Practical Assistance to Visitors

When connecting with interesting people visiting your city, offer practical, high-value assistance like airport pickup and direct transport to their hotel, providing a VIP experience and quality one-on-one time.

32. Always Use Double Opt-In for Intros

When making an introduction between two people, always get explicit consent from both parties beforehand to ensure mutual interest and prevent unwanted or awkward connections.

33. Ask Less Likely Party First for Intros

When originating an introduction, first ask the person you think is less likely to want the intro; if they agree, then ask the other person, streamlining the process and ensuring mutual interest.

34. Gently Defer Intro Requests to Famous People

If someone asks for an intro to a famous person you know, gently suggest they first try direct outreach (tweet, DM, email) and only offer to help if those attempts are unsuccessful, protecting your contact.

35. Offer ‘Call Me Anytime’ for Casual Chats

Instead of scheduling random coffee meetings or phone calls, offer your phone number and invite people to ‘call me anytime’ (linking to a blog post explaining your unstructured approach) to protect your calendar while remaining accessible.

36. Don’t Host if Misaligned with Goals

Avoid hosting events if your primary focus (e.g., building a startup) requires connecting with a very specific, geographically distant group that your event won’t attract, as it can be a distraction.

37. Arrive Early to Parties as a Guest

As a guest, aim to arrive early to parties to get more quality time with the host before they are in ‘host mode’ and to ease into the social environment as the party gradually builds around you.

38. Ask Host for Specific Introductions

Upon arriving early to a party, chat with the host and ask, “Is there anyone here you think I’d especially enjoy meeting?” to get targeted introductions to people you’d genuinely connect with.