Escaping a cult: physically, mentally, and emotionally (with Daniella Mestyanek Young)

Nov 8, 2023 1h 17m 18 insights Episode Page ↗
Spencer Greenberg speaks with Daniela Mestinek-Young about her experience growing up in the religious cult, the Children of God, and the striking parallels she found with the U.S. military, particularly regarding coercive control and the pervasive issue of sexual violence against women.
Actionable Insights

1. Evaluate Group Labor & Return

When joining any organization, critically assess how much labor you are contributing and what tangible benefits you are receiving in return in this lifetime, as cults often exploit labor for power.

2. Beware Information Control

Be highly suspicious of any group that attempts to control or restrict the information its members can access, as this is a primary tactic used by toxic or coercive groups to maintain control.

3. Question “Not A Cult” Explanations

If a group offers a pre-prepared, practiced explanation for why it is not a cult, consider this a significant red flag, indicating an attempt to preemptively shut down critical thinking.

4. Recognize Coercive Control Tactics

Understand that groups maintain control through tactics like isolation, keeping members busy, poor, hungry, and controlling reproduction, which prevents self-reflection and departure.

5. Identify Thought-Stopping Cliches

Learn to recognize and challenge “thought-stopping cliches” (e.g., “trust the prophet,” “boys will be boys,” “you knew what you signed up for”) used to prevent critical thinking and suppress complaints within groups.

6. Understand Sacred Assumption

Be aware that once an individual accepts a leader as a prophet or a core idea as sacred, they may justify any actions or beliefs of that leader or group, leading to “bounded choice” rather than free will.

7. Abuse Is Not Love

Internalize that no amount of abuse can ever be defined as love; being taught otherwise fundamentally warps one’s understanding of healthy relationships and self-worth.

8. Beware Demonizing Idleness

In high-control or separatist communities, be cautious of any rhetoric that demonizes idleness or self-care, as this often serves to keep members constantly busy and prevent critical reflection.

9. Seek External Support

If you are in a toxic or high-control situation, actively seek and accept help from trusted individuals who recognize your struggle, as external support is often crucial for escape and recovery.

10. Healing Takes Time

Understand that recovering from deep-seated trauma, especially from high-control groups, is a long and arduous process that requires significant time and self-compassion, often more than initially expected.

11. Strategic Rebellion for Escape

If trapped in a high-control group, consider strategically committing an “excommunicable offense” or “worst sin” to provoke expulsion, which can be a calculated means to gain freedom.

12. Prepare for Shunning

Be aware that high-demand groups often engage in shunning or denigrating members who choose to leave, viewing departure as a betrayal of their mission, which can be a difficult aspect of exiting.

13. Challenge Toxic Masculinity

Actively challenge and dismantle cultures of extreme masculinity and “boys clubs” within institutions, as these environments can foster dehumanization and contribute to sexual violence against women.

14. Advocate for Accountability in Assault

Support and advocate for systemic changes that ensure leadership is held financially and legally responsible for sexual assault within institutions, as this can drive significant cultural reform.

15. Support Independent Prosecution

Advocate for policies that remove the prosecution of major crimes, such as sexual assault, from unit command, as this separation of power can lead to greater justice and accountability.

16. Learn from Culture Change

Study examples of successful culture change within large institutions (e.g., the military’s shift on DUI culture) to understand how deeply ingrained problems can be addressed by making behaviors unexplainable and unforgivable.

17. Challenge Self, Avoid Self-Punishment

While past trauma can build resilience, be mindful not to continuously push yourself to perfection or endure unnecessary suffering, as this can be a subtle form of self-punishment.

18. Recognize Cultiness Spectrum

Understand that “cultiness” is a continuum, and many groups can exhibit elements of coercive control without being traditional cults, allowing for a more nuanced assessment of group dynamics.