Improving your skill of emotional regulation (with Shireen Rizvi)
1. Balance Acceptance & Change
Actively assess what you can change in a situation and what you must accept, as being stuck in non-acceptance or not changing solvable problems leads to suffering. This dialectical approach helps to get unstuck from misery by finding what you can influence and what you cannot.
2. Practice Radical Acceptance
Completely and totally accept the present moment or situation exactly as it is, recognizing that it could not be any other way. This reduces suffering by preventing you from adding to inevitable pain through non-acceptance or wishing things were different.
3. Validate Your Own Feelings
Practice self-validation by acknowledging that your feelings make sense, even if the situation’s interpretation might be inaccurate or the feelings are intense. This fosters self-compassion and helps prevent self-invalidation through critical ‘should’ statements.
4. Practice Interpersonal Validation
Communicate understanding and acknowledgment of others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, especially in challenging interactions. This makes others feel understood, increasing the likelihood of effective communication and cooperation.
5. Address Skills Deficits
View mental health problems as a result of emotion dysregulation and a lack of learned skills. Focus on acquiring new skills to respond differently to emotions and situations, rather than just talking about problems, to create lasting change.
6. Seek Goal-Oriented Therapy
Look for therapists who use manualized, evidence-based treatments with clear, agreed-upon goals and assign homework. This structured approach is more likely to lead to comprehensive and effective changes, as opposed to unstructured talk therapy.
7. Evaluate Therapy Quality
If therapy isn’t working, consider if the problem is with the therapist-client match or the type of therapy being delivered. Be wary of therapists who list too many diverse approaches, as this can indicate a scattered, less effective treatment strategy.
8. Prioritize Therapy for Lasting Change
Understand that while medication can alleviate symptoms, therapy teaches tools and new behaviors that lead to longer-lasting effects, even after treatment ends. Consider therapy as a primary approach for durable gains because it equips you with skills.
9. Consider Medication for Severity
For severe mental health challenges, explore medication as it can help stabilize symptoms and potentially enhance the effectiveness of therapy. However, ensure underlying life problems are also addressed rather than solely relying on medication as a quick fix.
10. Plan Difficult Conversations
Use structured communication skills like DEAR MAN (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate) to plan challenging interpersonal interactions. Writing out the steps in advance increases effectiveness and reduces impulsive reactions.
11. Practice Non-Judgmental Thinking
Avoid black-and-white thinking by consciously incorporating other aspects of a situation to form a non-judgmental interpretation. This helps to see things as more complex and reduces getting stuck in negative emotional ruts.
12. Check the Facts
Actively assess whether your thoughts or interpretations align with the objective facts of a situation. This skill helps challenge inaccurate assumptions and promotes a more dialectical, nuanced understanding of events.
13. Learn DBT Skills
Explore resources like the ‘Real Skills for Real Life’ book or the animated skills videos on youtube.com/dbtru to learn practical Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills. These resources teach user-friendly ways to practice emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance.